Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][In SAKURA's room, some dialogue comes from the closet.]
Rubedo: Is this place?
Albedo: It's too dark! I'm afraid of the dark! I need my blankie!
Nigredo: Where are we?
Rubedo: Whose hand is that?
Nigredo: Sorry.
Rubedo: Not that one, the other one!
Albedo: Sorry Rubedo.
Rubedo: IT'S STILL THERE
Albedo: Well, I'm not that sorry.
[They eventually spill out into the room and meet SAKURA. SOME STUFF HAPPENS. There are a lot of cutscenes and dialogue. RUBEDO, NIGREDO, and ALBEDO meet the female URTV VARIANT named CITRINE.]
The writer: I am so glad I never made a joke about "Citrinitas, the lost member of the URTVs".
[MORE STUFF HAPPENS. SAKURA/RUBEDO is the OTP apparently. SAKURA makes RUBEDO promise to look after her sister and mother. MORE STUFF HAPPENS. For more detailed write-ups, please purchase premium content access for a one-time fee of $5. Eventually the party ends up in the SUBCONSCIOUS DOMAIN (SUMMER), an actual dungeon, thank god.]
Monster: I LOATHE YOUR BEAUTY
Jr.: Wonder who he's talking to. I just know it's not Shion.
KOS-MOS: That would be me.
Monster: I LOATHE YOUR CHARM
Jr.: ...I have no idea.
chaos: i think that might be me?
Jr.: I guess that's as plausible as anyone else.
[The party moves on and finds a dumb river puzzle that takes forever and requires lots of tedious backtracking to reset it.]
Shion: Did you guys know that rocks become completely indestructible when they come in contact with logs? It's true. I'm a scientist, I know these things.
Jr.: You're full of shit.
[SHION demonstrates that the rocks do indeed become indestructible as soon as any rock in the nearby vicinity touches a log.]
Shion: This is why I am a scientist and you are some weird child soldier artificial human failure thing.
Jr.: I hate you and everything you stand for.
Shion: That's how I know that I've won.
[In the next area, URTVs become infected by U-DO and attack RUBEDO's party in the past, as well as JUNIOR's party in the present.]
Shion: You know, if any of us knew Esuna we could clear this right up.
KOS-MOS: Esuna is not in this game, and the status healing spells we do have are all terrible and worthless.
Shion: I did notice that. Someone needs to tell game developers that when players say they want status ailments to be game changing, they don't mean for the enemies and never the players.
KOS-MOS: It's an easy mistake to make.
Shion: No it isn't.
KOS-MOS: No it isn't.
Shion: This is the best game.
KOS-MOS: No it isn't.
Shion: No, it really isn't.
[As they enter the next area, an INFECTED URTV splits apart and a BOSS emerges!]
Jr.: ...I don't remember this being quite so disgusting the first time.
BOSS FIGHT:
LEVEL 4
Shion: That is a stupid name for a boss.
Jr.: Okay guys, we need a plan for this thing. I'm going to take point, with MOMO and KOS-MOS backing me up. We'll drop an Analyze on it, then figure out how to break its guard. We'll all stock up to full, healing as needed, then KOS-MOS will-
Shion: No, we're not doing that.
[SHION casts LEVEL 4 DEATH.]
Jr.: Oh come on, that's not even a real spell! It's Level 5 Death!
Shion: You know that and I know that, but your mother's a whore.
Jr.: I don't even know my mother.
Shion: Yeah, that tends to happen to people whose mothers are whores.
Jr.: Wow, I ran right into that...
chaos: not that this discussion isn't fascinating, but can we move on?
[They see YOUNG!ALBEDO beating a generic URTV to death.]
Albedo: This is for existing while I am Albedo!
Rubedo: Albedo, stop that!
Albedo: Why?
Rubedo: ...What do you mean, "why?" Because you're fucking beating him to death for no reason! God, you are such a creep.
Albedo: D-don't call me a creep!
[RUBEDO walks away.]
Albedo: RUBEDOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[They end up back in the institute, and follow the trio outside.]
Rubedo: Albedo. That URTV is seriously injured. The fuck is your problem.
Albedo: Pfft, big deal, he can just regenerate.
Rubedo: ...Regenerate?
[ALBEDO blows his head off.]
Rubedo: WHAT THE GODDAMN
Nigredo: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-
[ALBEDO regenerates his head.]
Albedo: You see?
[RUBEDO punches him.]
Rubedo: You. Are. The. DUMBEST. Person.
Albedo: R-Rubedo?
Rubedo: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REGENERATE, YOU IDIOT.
Albedo: You mean... you can't?
Rubedo: Of course not!
[ALBEDO begins to cry.]
Albedo: No! I don't wanna be alone! You can't die and leave me behind.
[ALBEDO hugs RUBEDO.]
Jr.: ...It was then that I realized that he had serious issues.
Shion: It took you THAT long?
Jr.: ...I was not a smart child. And he was never the same after that.
Ziggy: Death is rest for the soul. If you can't die, the world becomes your prison. Nobody wants to live forever. Other cliches.
Jr.: Albedo and I were born cojoined twins. That's why we have similar powers. But after we were separated, our powers went in different directions.
Shion: Wait, you have powers?
Jr.: ...yes.
Shion: I mean, beyond that stupid energy burst thing that you only use in cutscenes?
Jr.: Oh! Well, I dunno. It's possible.
Shion: ...Anyway, I sympathize with Albedo, in that I too was cursed with amazing talents. And beauty. You should try approaching him one last time.
Jr.: It's never helped before.
Shion: But now we have backstory that shows him as sympathetic instead of just a generic asshole!
Jr.: Well, I can't argue with that.
[They follow the phantoms to the dive chambers. HELMER, JULI, and YURIEV are watching the variants.]
Helmer: Awfully young, aren't they?
Yuriev: That is why they're called "child soldiers", Helmer. Don't be so sentimental.
Helmer: ...So tell me, Yuriev, how's your brother doing?
Yuriev: Last I heard, he had roped his son into becoming one of his pilots.
Helmer: Fascinating.
[RUBEDO, ALBEDO, and NIGREDO dive into the beach area again. The party follows. It's winter this time.]
Jr.: Hey guys. Guess what?
Shion: What.
Jr.: That last dungeon was so fun
Jr.: We're gonna do it again.
Ziggy: I assume that the snowfall has changed the dungeon's layout in new and interesting ways, forcing us to take new paths and solve new puzzles?
Jr.: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jr.: Seriously though, let's get started.
[They move on through the SAME AREAS as before...]
Shion: Are you seriously still wearing that swimsuit? It's fucking freezing out.
KOS-MOS: I'm a robot in a swimsuit that boosts my combat abilities. You're a human in a tube top that only boosts your whorishness. Which one of us is the real fool here?
Shion: ...Touche, KOS-MOS.
KOS-MOS: Less "touche" than "check and mate".
Shion: You had me at "mate".
KOS-MOS: ...Again, there's that whole "whore" thing...
[...Solving the SAME PUZZLES as before...]
Jr.: You know what the best part of this stupid log puzzle is? Doing it twice, with nothing changed.
Shion: KOS-MOS, can't you just jump over and get the items for us?
KOS-MOS: Yes.
Shion: ...
Jr.: ...So is she going to-
Shion: No, she isn't.
[...Finding treasure in ROUGHLY THE SAME PLACES as before...
KOS-MOS: My exterior frame has been contaminated. Maintenance requested.
Shion: "Maintenance".
KOS-MOS: Yes Shion that was the joke.
Shion: This isn't any fun when you play along.
Shion: ...Oh.
KOS-MOS: You are enlightened.
[...And fighting palette swaps of the SAME ENEMIES as before.]
Infected URTV: Zaaaazazaaaa!
Infected URTV: Daaaaagadaaaaa!
Infected URTV: Goooooduraaaa!
Jr.: You know, all these years, I've never been able to figure out what they were saying when they died.
Shion: "Saaakuraaaaaaa".
Jr.: ...
Infected URTV: Saaakuraaaaaa!
Infected URTV: Saaakuraaaaaa!
Jr.: Holy shit I can't unhear it.
Infected URTV: Saaakuraaaaaa!
Jr.: Oh my god Shion I hate you SO MUCH right now.
Shion: What? You asked!
Jr.: And this is the ONE time you had to actually listen to me?!
Shion: Yes. And I didn't even get a thank you for it.
Ziggy: That was kind of a dick move Jr.
chaos: very much so.
Jr.: But... but...
[They head into the penultimate area, which isn't ANYTHING LIKE its equivalent in the summer.]
Ziggy: Well this is new.
chaos: strange things are afoot in the subconscious domain.
Jr.: Guys, none of this is even real. It's a mental realm, so it can change radically between visits.
Shion: More specifically, one area of it can change radically while everything else just becomes whiter.
Jr.: I think that was implied.
[They reach the final area. RUBEDO, ALBEDO, NIGREDO, and SAKURA are there.]
Rubedo: All right, easiest mission ever. Let's head to the beach now.
Sakura: Rubedo, look!
[RUBEDO looks behind him and sees that his shadow has become that of a weird... demon... thing...]
Rubedo: Fucking Mephiles.
Albedo: This is wonderful! You're a monster as well!
Rubedo: Okay, first of all, shadows don't work like this. Second of all, don't act like you know what's going on here.
Albedo: But I do!
Rubedo: No you don't! I refuse to believe that you're not just screwing with me!
Sakura: Rubedo, calm down.
Rubedo: It's not my fault Albedo's being a dick!
[ALBEDO begins to laugh, and his laugh slowly transforms into that of PRESENT DAY!ALBEDO.]
Albedo: Be a dick, to you, Rubedo? I wouldn't dream of it!
MOMO/Sakura: Be careful it's a trap! ...Again!
[RUBEDO and JUNIOR both start screaming out of control.]
Allen: Chief! The Encephalon field structure is starting to collapse! We've officially been played.
Shion: Yeah, I guess we really should have seen this coming.
Ziggy: You're saying that Albedo had two face-down trap cards?
Shion: Exactly.
[ALBEDO, RUBEDO, NIGREDO, and SAKURA all vanish, to be replaced with ADULT!ALBEDO. He immediately grabs JUNIOR in a headlock.]
Albedo: Say "uncle", Rubedo!
Jr.: I
Jr.: AM GOING
Jr.: TO KILL YOU
Shion: Jr., calm down. Don't you want to make peace with your brother?
Jr.: HE IS LITERALLY STRANGLING ME TO DEATH AS WE SPEAK
Shion: Even better! Do you want to die before making amends with him?
Jr.: I DON'T WANT TO DIE AT ALL
Shion: Well, then it might be a good idea to come to terms with him so he'll stop choking you.
Jr.: ...........
Jr.: Albedo... please... I'm begging you... kill... Shion... first...
Albedo: Sure thing.
[ALBEDO stabs his hand through JUNIOR's stomach. JUNIOR starts to do the useless red energy burst thing again.]
Albedo: I lied. I am a liar.
Jr.: HATE... YOU...
Albedo: Say it. Say "uncle" and I'll let you go.
Jr.: ......
[JUNIOR blasts him away.]
Jr.: *cough* Uncle. *hack* ...motherfucker.
BOSS FIGHT:
ALBEDO
[The party tries to guard break ALBEDO.]
Albedo: nope.avi
Jr.: Always a good sign when a game has one major mechanic and then decides to throw enemies at you that are immune to it.
[ALBEDO's arms are numb!]
Jr.: ...I'm confused, does that mean that what we're doing is working, or is he just fuckin' cold?
KOS-MOS: It is 87% likely that one more hit should-
[JUNIOR shoots ALBEDO's arms off.]
KOS-MOS: ...do that.
Jr.: Awesome.
Albedo: Did you forget about my powers, Rubedo?
Jr.: Sorry, you had your chance back in the cutscene. This is gameplay, now.
[KOS-MOS airs ALBEDO, allowing JUNIOR and MOMO to wreck him.]
Jr.: Note the difference.
Albedo: Well played... but you made a mistake. Now we're back in a cutscene! I'm completely unharmed!
Jr.: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-
[JUNIOR begins to do the pointless energy burst thing again.]
Shion: Jr., seriously.
Shion: This NEVER WORKS.
Jr.: But-
MOMO: No, she's right. Stop!
[MOMO activates her cutscene powers, causing a lightshow.]
Albedo: You were wrong. I actually had three face-down trap cards! You're so easy to manipulate, ma peche.
MOMO: Forgive me for being in a JRPG.
Albedo: My ridiculously circuitous plan is nearly a quarter complete! AHAHAHAHAHA
[Back in the real world, everyone is removing their ENCEPHALON visors.]
chaos: ...wait, could we have done that at any point?
Shion: No.
chaos: oh.
Shion: At almost any point, though, yeah.
chaos: ...then why didn't we-
Shion: You didn't ask.
chaos: ...............
[MOMO wakes up.]
Shion: MOMO, you're awake!
MOMO: I-
Shion: More importantly, Dr. Mizrahi, what happened to the Y-Data?
Juli: It's gone. The thing we feared the most these last fourteen years... The key...
Shion: Uh.
Juli: Summary: this is about as bad as it could possibly be.
Shion: We'll see about-
Juli: THAT WASN'T A CHALLENGE SHION
Shion: Aww.
[The camera shows ALBEDO in his E.S.]
Albedo: This is it. The Key to the Abyss. The gospel that will awaken Miltia. Look, Rubedo! No hands!
[ALBEDO's E.S. begins to glow, then vanishes. JUNIOR feels a pain in his chest and slumps over.]
Jr.: This pain... Albedo's heartbeat... It's fading. It can't be...
Shion: ...
Ziggy: ...
chaos: ...
MOMO: ...Ding dong, the witch is dead.
Shion: Which old witch?
MOMO: The wicked witch!
Jr.: dammit you guys
chaos: hmm...
[chaos remembers something.]
chaos: can't be albedo, it's not even mid-game yet.
chaos: wait... then does that mean that we're-
PLEASE INSERT DISC 2 [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
god we're not even half done yet
i might take a break in the middle of this, just so I don't completely dominate in the recent posts thing
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show]Shion (narrating): Albedo opened the way to Old Miltia. The Immigrant Fleet and the Federation both dispatched ships, but the Immigrant Fleet knew that this would happen, so they caught the Federation unprepared. Now the Federation, working with the Subcommittee, Second Miltia, the Kukai Foundation, and Vector, are deploying a special ops team on a mission to Old Miltia. Jr., chaos, Ziggy, MOMO, Jin, and Canaan make up the party. ...Which means they're leaving out the main character and the most powerful one. So, you know. That's awesome.
[MARGULIS and THE POPE discuss the events.]
THE POPE: It seems that all the good-aligned factions are mobilizing. Can you handle them.
Margulis: Indeed. A disheveled Federation will never expect the U-TIC Inquisitors. Our two weapons are... no, actually, I changed my mind, I'm not doing that reference.
[JULI talks to MOMO.]
Juli: MOMO... You're needed for this mission, but it'll be incredibly dangerous. It's just like Ziggurat said, you and Sakura are completely different people. I want to get to know you better, so please, make sure you come back safe.
MOMO: kay
The writer: Let's play a game, kids at home. Here's the entirety of Juli's dialogue during this cutscene:
Juli: Judging by the situation, it seems the journey to Old Miltia needs to
happen as soon as possible.
Juli: According to Representative Helmer, if they use your 100-Series prototype
special navigational skills, they could potentially travel to Old Miltia
undetected.
Juli: It
Editor
this one deserves a content warning, seriously. Like, a "not safe for work, home, or anywhere" content warning. It's all text, but still.
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][SHION's group gets on board the ELSA.]
Jr.: God. No. This is the WORST THING that's ever happened to us.
chaos: shion, what are you doing here?
Shion: The plot fairies were telling me to go to Old Miltia. Rather forcibly, too.
Jin: What a coincidence, we got the same spiel from Helmer.
Shion: It's almost as if the NPCs are a lot better at taking obvious plot hooks and eventually got sick of us dicking around and decided to just railroad us.
chaos: "almost"
Matthews: So, are we departing for Old Miltia now?
Shion: There's no time to lose!
Shion: BUT FIRST I NEED TO MAKE THIS MIXED DRINK
Shion: I AM A BARTENDER
Shion: And talk to the Professor, who is part of the Elsa crew for some reason now! Hey, do you have Erde Kaiser for me, or what?
Professor: No, but-
Shion: Then you are useless to me. Matthews!
Matthews: what.
Shion: Full speed ahead!
[KOS-MOS steps forward.]
KOS-MOS: So um, are we trying to wreck this ship?
Matthews: What? No!
KOS-MOS: Then we might want to try plotting a less stupid course.
Matthews: Doesn't exist.
MOMO: I found one.
Matthews: goddammit
MOMO: I checked the records of an old smuggler and learned about this technique that involves flying between two black holes. It'll let us make the Kessel run in twelve parsecs!
Tony: Sounds dangerous.
Shion: I am curious about this route.
Tony: COUNT ME IN
[They do it, but then something huge gates out right in front of them. It is the ORMUS STRONGHOLD.]
Allen: Looks like a space stat-
Shion: THAT'S NO MOON, IT'S A SPACE STATION
Allen: ...
Tony: We can't avoid it without getting caught in one of the black holes.
Jr.: Then we've only got one choice. Ramming speed. We'll take it out in the most inefficient way possible!
Matthews: That's your solution to everything.
Jr.: And yet it keeps working.
Hammer: We won't last long against that Ormus Stronghold.
Tony: Longer than we will against those black holes. We're going in!
[The ELSA charges in, gets shot down, but manages to land safely on the ORMUS STRONGHOLD. The combat party of SHION, KOS-MOS, MOMO, ZIGGY, JUNIOR, chaos, and JIN leave; for some reason CANAAN stays behind despite the fact that we're taking the E.S. ASHER, which, as we learned in the intro, is supposed to be really fuckin' hard for non-CANAANs to pilot.]
Jr.: We'll take the E.S. for this mission.
Ziggy: Why?
Jr.: Makes it easier to wreck shit.
Shion: Jr., remind me again why we're not best friends yet?
Jr.: Because I hate everything about you?
Shion: Oh, right.
Jr.: It's kind of a deal breaker.
[They move on and, indeed, wreck shit for no real reason other than because it's there. Then again, at least this time, they're doing it in an enemy stronghold, as opposed to just some guy's house or whatever.]
Shion: You know, in the first game, E.S. models were phenomenally powerful, and just one was a match for the entire Federation fleet plus an entire contingent of Gnosis. Now we're at a point where we're using three of them simultaneously. Pellegri has one, Canaan has one, Wilhelm had one before I stole it... I don't even know where we got the fuckin' Zebulun.
Ziggy: I had it in my attic.
Shion: what.
Ziggy: It was just collecting dust.
Shion: ...
Jr.: I still say we should have just gotten the 3-for-1 deal at CostCo.
Shion: Aren't these things supposed to be stupidly rare?
Jr.: That's why it was such a good deal! We should have bought like eight.
Shion: Eight threepacks.
Jr.: Yup.
Shion: Of E.S. models.
Jr.: Yeah-huh.
Shion: ......
Jr.: The sales rep told me that if I bought eight or more he'd throw in a couple Excaliburs for fr-
Shion: OKAY THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE
[They reach an elevator.]
Shion: Okay, let's get out of here.
chaos: it's not working. i think that's the switch over there.
Shion: You mean, on that ledge? Just out of reach?
chaos: yes.
Jr.: Well, let's backtrack and see if we can find another way around.
Ziggy: There was another path we didn't take a while back, I bet it'll lead us straight to that switch.
MOMO: I'll use my observational skills to look for the quickest route back!
Jr.: Good thinking, MOMO!
Jin: You guys can leave any enemies that might have respawned to me.
KOS-MOS: I will assist as well.
Shion: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT E.S. MODELS CAN FUCKING FLY, RIGHT?
[They go back and do it the long way.]
Shion: Have I mentioned I fucking hate you guys?
Ziggy: All the time.
Shion: Well, clearly I didn't mention it enough.
[They use the elevator and enter the next room. The doors seal behind them. Two mechs drop from the sky.]
Richard: My name
Richard: is Richard!
Richard: Got it memorized?!
Jr.: Hello, Dick! Up again so soon after your last (hilariously short and unsatisfying) performance?
Shion: You seem to be on good terms with this fellow. One might even say that you seem to like Dick quite a lot.
Jr.: I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you over all your literally being attracted to machines.
Shion: ...
KOS-MOS: He's got you there, Shion.
Shion: I know, KOS-MOS. Thank you.
Richard: If we may proceed?
Ziggy: Of course.
MOMO: I don't think that conversation was appropriate for someone my age to be listening to, anyway.
Shion: Oh please, your first line was literally "Fuck you".
MOMO: My character wasn't developed yet, you can't blame me for that.
Richard: Can we PLEASE proceed?
Ziggy: You need to learn to just ignore them, seriously. But yes, please continue.
Richard: Ahem... You know us as Team U-TIC and we fight for what is wrong!
Hermann: We're tired of our motto so we thought we'd try a song!
Richard: Richard!
Hermann: Hermann!
Richard & Hermann: At the speed of light, prepare to fight!
MOMO: MOMO, that's right!
Richard: GODDAMMIT
Hermann: Richard-
Richard: SHE RUINS EVERYTHING
Hermann: The cyborg is right, we need to ignore her!
Richard: ...All right, fine. Just continue the song.
Hermann: Ahem. I am the handsome one!
Richard: I am the gorgeous one!
Richard & Hermann: Looking good is lots of fun! We do some things wrong, but we keep rolling along!
Richard & Hermann: We want to capture that Realian, that is our only aim! And when we do we'll be the new stars of this video game!
BOSS FIGHT:
SCUTUM & PILUM
Jr.: This is really, really stupid. We beat you guys last time on-foot. How did you suddenly get so moderately competent?
Richard: We spent our entire savings on upgrading our mechs!
Jr.: ...So what you're saying is that you blew your load, Dick?
Richard: ...............
Richard: ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL
[There seems to be something wrong with Richard!]
Jr.: ...pffffffffffahahahahaha
Jr.: OH MY GOD IT JUST WRITES ITSELF.
Jr.: "I swear, this has never happened to me before!"
Richard: THAT DOES IT
[RICHARD pulls out his INCREDIBLY PHALLIC CANNON.]
Entire party (even the ones who are generally above this stuff like chaos and Ziggy): ........pfffahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jr.: Oh my fuckin' god. You're trolling me, aren't you. You're trolling me and I fell for it.
Ziggy: I've heard of overcompensating but this is ridiculous.
Jin: Whoa, slow down. You're gonna have to at least buy me a drink first.
KOS-MOS: My scanners detect an unusual heat source. Is that a plasma rifle or are you just happy to see me?
chaos: you know, it's not the size of the cannon, it's what you do with it!
Shion: Go easy on me! It's my first time.
Richard: THAT is IT
[RICHARD begins charging his cannon.]
Hermann: Richard! You can't fire that thing in here! Richard, do you read me?!
Shion: ...
Jr.: ...
Shion: So do you want this one, or...
Jr.: No, I think it needs a woman's touch. Go for it.
Shion: "Aah! No, don't shoot it inside!"
Jr.: "Today's not a safe day for that!"
MOMO: Hahaha! ...I don't get it.
chaos: god, do i envy you.
Jr.: Oh man. I'm dying here.
[RICHARD fires, inflicting about 45% damage.]
Jr.: Oh man, I'm literally dying here. Okay, if you guys are finished cracking wise, let's finish up here and move on to bigger and better things.
Shion: That's what she said!
Shion: ...about Richard.
Jr.: Shion, that was some of your finest work-
Shion: Thank you.
Jr.: -but we really do need to kill these guys now.
[After much smacking each other around, the party wins.]
Richard & Hermann: Looks like Team U-TIC's blasting off again!
[There is no blasting off. They just explode and die.]
Jin: Thank god. That gag stopped being funny like four paragraphs ago.
Ziggy: I disagree on the basis that this gag was never funny.
chaos: agreed.
MOMO: I still say I really shouldn't have heard any of this.
Shion: Oh, give it a rest. You are not nearly as innocent as you act.
MOMO: Bite me.
MOMO: OWWW!
Jr.: What happened?
MOMO: She freaking BIT ME!
Shion: Well, you asked. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][They move on. In the upcoming rooms are VIVE and CALX. They approach this person as she enters.]
Calx: Aren't you the crazy chick who killed me?
Shion?: Err... no... I am Shi-... shi... Cecilia. Shi-Shi Cecilia. And I'm here to do the OPPOSITE of kill you.
Calx: Oh, you must be that doctor we called for.
Shi-Shi Cecilia: Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I am.
[SHI-SHI CECILIA gives CALX and VIVE a check-up, writes them each a prescription, receives her modest payment, and exits.]
Calx: What a pleasant doctor.
Vive: Very professional.
[Some time later, CALX and VIVE are killed by SHION.]
[The party moves on until they reach an elevator.]
Shion: Okay, hit the button for the top floor. Or bottom floor. Wherever we're going.
Ziggy: The terminal is inactive. It says we need to solve a puzzle first.
Shion: No it doesn't shut up.
chaos: i think it probably has to do with these boxes
Shion: No. No no no no no NO NO NO NO NO WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN
Jin: I think if we can add a certain number of these boxes, the increased weight will allow the elevator to take us down to a certain floor.
Shion: .............................
Shion: If anyone needs me, I'll be outside.
[SHION walks away.]
Entire party (except Shion): ...
Jin: Is there even an "outside" here?
Jr.: Well, there's space. That's like outside, in that it's not inside.
Jin: ...Somebody should probably stop her, then.
Jr.: Whooooa there, let's not be hasty here. Frankly, I can see an upside to this.
Jr.: Mostly that it's everything I could have ever asked for and so much more.
Jin: chaos?
chaos: what.
Jin: You promised.
chaos: ..........so i did.
Jr.: What? You promised to protect Shion? You TRAITOR.
chaos: he forced me into it!
Jr.: You and I? We are no longer bros. I'm going to fill out the brofficial paperwork, then take it downtown and have it brotarized at the Department of Brotor Vehicles.
chaos: do as you like.
[chaos leaves to retrieve SHION.]
Jr.: ...Ziggy, how do you feel about Shion?
Ziggy: Still hate her.
Jr.: Right on. We are now brofficially bros. We'll take rides on my broped down to the brocean, we'll go on brocations and stay at nice brotels, and you'll never leave me heart broken.
Ziggy: ...This converstion went to kind of a weird place.
Jr.: i realized that about halfway through but by that time i couldn't do anything about it.
[chaos returns with a severely distraught SHION.]
Shion: all of my hate. all of it. searing, blinding, burning up inside me. it longs to escape, to consume this pitiful world, to set fire to humanity just to watch them burn. i wait for that day with bated breath. and when it comes, i will look upon the flames, those flames which signal the end of creation itself, and i will toast marshmallows upon them.
Jr.: Yeah that's great Shion. Now let's get to work on this puzzle.
Shion: ......
[They finish the elevator puzzle, only to be greeted with a sliding block puzzle.]
Shion: .........................
Shion: i looked upon the puzzle like a deity looking upon a defiled shrine. the one responsible for this would pay. they would know the fury of the gods, unfettered, unadulterated, unmerciful, unending. there are people in this world for whom death is too kind. i know that now. such a truth would have once disturbed me; now, it brings me comfort. these are people whose very spirits i can crush until nothing remains, and humanity will thank me for it.
chaos: i think if we slide this block up, then everything else to the right, then up, then left, then up, it'll be simple.
[They kick the first block up to use as a stopper for the other blocks, then kick the next block to the right, then up.]
chaos: all right, jr., kick it to the left now.
Jr.: Nah.
chaos: what.
Jr.: I don't feel like it.
chaos: ...
Jr.: There's not enough room.
chaos: there's plenty of room. there's as much room as you'll ever have in a puzzle like this.
Jr.: Not. Nearly. Enough.
chaos: ........
[They leave the room and reenter to reset the puzzle, then do it a different, much stupider way, because XENOSAGA EPISODE II: JENSEITS VON GUT UND BOSE's programmers slept through their programming classes. Also their "don't have a whore for a mother" classes.]
Shion: once there existed a girl. she's dead now. in her place is a tombstone forgotten by time. there were once flowers resting upon it, an offering to a tormented soul, forced to wander in search of a sleep that will not come. those flowers have long since dried, decayed, been scattered by the winds. the tombstone shudders with each passing storm, a lone vigil, the last piece of the girl's innocence, ready to fall apart at any moment, until no piece of it that exists is any larger than a grain of sand in an hourglass...
Ziggy: We need to fix her.
Jin: Not possible. Believe me, I've tried.
Ziggy: No, I mean we need to fix her current state.
Jin: Oh.
Ziggy: It's somehow even more annoying than usual.
Jin: Okay, let's brainstorm.
All: ...
Jr.: Well, I'm out of ideas.
[They move on and find the orange and blue one-way elevator puzzle room.]
Shion: i am reminded of a time in my youth, when my commanding officer-
Jr.: Okay, this has gotta stop. Right now.
chaos: kos-mos, you tolerate shion's existence. can't you do something about this?
KOS-MOS: ...
KOS-MOS: What's the difference between a man and a dog?
Ziggy: ...
chaos: ...
Jin: ...
Jr.: what the
MOMO: I don't know, what?
KOS-MOS: One wears trousers, the other pants!
All: ......
Shion: *twitch*
Shion: Fuck you, KOS-MOS.
Shion: I mean, that doesn't even make any goddamn sense.
Shion: What the hell kind of question is "what's the difference between a man and a dog" anyway?!
Shion: You are the worst joke teller in the world!
Jr.: I instantly regret this decision.
KOS-MOS: You're welcome.
[They take the long green elevator to the bottom, then go back up a bit and enter a plot room.]
Orgulla: Confess all of your sins.
Jr.: I'm sorry, who are you? Actually, I take that back, I'm not sorry at all. Who are you?
Orgulla: I am Orgulla. Do you not wish to confess your sins?
Jr.: Is this going to be a stupid thing where no matter how we answer, we end up fighting you?
Orgulla: No, actually. I was captured by U-TIC many years ago, and have been unallowed to leave this place ever since. The only method I have for granting solace to myself is to grant solace to others. So, I ask again: have you any sins to confess?
Shion: ...Okay, sure, I'm up for this.
[17 hours later.]
Shion: ...and then I killed them a second time. Whew, feels good to get that monkey off my back. Thanks, Miss Orgulla!
Orgulla: Holy shit. Holt shit. ...I think I need to kill you now. For the good of all living things.
BOSS FIGHT:
ORGULLA
chaos: goddammit, shion.
Ziggy: Just so you know, we're not helping you with this.
Shion: Hey, it's not my fault! I mean, aside from all that terrible stuff I did, which directly led to this happening. But I can't be blamed for that!
MOMO: Orgulla, Orgulla, she's our ma'am! If she can't do it, no one can! Gooooo Orgulla!
Ziggy: Since when are you a cheerleader?
MOMO: Since I stopped being a magical girl?
Ziggy: ...I guess that's as good an answer as any.
Shion: Okay, Jr., Ziggy, and MOMO are jerks. Jin? Little help here?
Jin: I thought you wanted me to act more like a doctor? I took an oath to do no harm.
Shion: god. KOS-MOS, you're programmed to protect me, and chaos, you promised to!
chaos: i think this is better for you in the long run because it'll teach you a lesson.
KOS-MOS: Sounds about right.
Shion: Welp, guess I don't have a choice then except to-ERDE KAISER
[beat]
Shion: That would have been a good time for an exception in the whole "we lost all our abilities" thing.
Orgulla: Indeed it would have.
[ORGULLA stabs SHION and then shoots her in the face.]
MOMO: ORGULLA WINS. FATALITY.
Shion: still not dead here
MOMO: QUICKLY ORGULLA, FINISH HER BEFORE SHE FINDS A BS WAY OUT OF THIS
Orgulla: You guys realize that you're next for harboring this psychopath, right?
The party: ...
[10 seconds later...]
Orgulla: and that's how i learned my lesson.
Jr.: Not too late to switch teams, you know.
Orgulla: Actually, I think I'll just BREAK MY LIMITER
[beat]
Orgulla: ...I see that I have already broken my limiter.
Jr.: How unfortunate for you.
Orgulla: Yeah.
Orgulla: Yeah, it really is.
[One beatdown and several MEDICAs aimed at SHION later...]
Shion: Well, aren't you guys glad you didn't just help me to begin with now?
MOMO: Yes.
Ziggy: Yes.
Jr.: Yep.
Jin: Uh-huh.
chaos: very much so.
KOS-MOS: Affirmative.
[JUNIOR smashes some energy columns, dropping the ORMUS CORE UNIT SYSTEM into the pool of water below.]
Jr.: FUCK this base.
[They then enter the CORE UNIT SYSTEM and find a puzzle to activate the self-destruct mechanism.]
Jr.: I am so glad enemy bases have these.
Shion: All right, hit the giant red button and let's blow this popsicle stand.
chaos: it says here that we need to solve a puzzle first.
Shion: ...
Shion: his words echoed like a coyote, howling at an uncaring moon. distant, cold, always watching over the world from afar, fading away and then reappearing, like clockwork, never taking an active approach, never stopping for just one moment to project any warmth onto those it observed...
Jr.: KOS-MOS, fix it.
KOS-MOS: A man walks into a bar looking distraught. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I could really use a parasympathetic ear right now." So the bartender says, "Oh, calm down."
Shion: ...
Shion: That's actually pretty funny.
KOS-MOS: Yes, I thought so.
[This puzzle is actually pretty clever. You have to shorten or length fuses so that four charges get set off simultaneously.]
Jr.: Okay, we got it this time, let's set it off and get the hell outta dodge.
MOMO: Hold on, just one more round.
Jr.: ...
MOMO: I've almost got a high score!
Jr.: ...
MOMO: ...it's surprisingly addictive.
Jr.: ...
MOMO: ...Are you okay?
Jr.: I just clued on to how creepy it is that my love interest is mentally a 12 year old.
MOMO: Huh?
Jr.: Nothing.
Ziggy: chaos, how did we end up with these people?
chaos: i don't know, but i'm really glad at least you, me, and jin don't have to deal with any weird relationships.
Jr.: Hey chaos.
Jr.: How's Canaan these days.
chaos: ...shutting up now.
Jr.: Yeah that's what I thought. Now let's blow this thing to hell as a message to U-TIC: "you put a city-sized space station in our path, so we blew it up and sent it careening into a black hole. your move."
[JUNIOR activates the self-destruct. ORMUS STRONGHOLD will self-destruct in 30 minutes.]
Shion: You know, we probably should have checked and made sure the Elsa was repaired before doing that.
All (except MOMO): ...
chaos: yes i can see how that would have been a good idea.
All (except MOMO): ...
All (except MOMO): ......
All (except MOMO): .........
Jr.: It's probably repaired by now.
Ziggy: Definitely plausible.
All (except MOMO): ...
Jin: Well. We'll never know unless we go and find out.
Shion: I'm okay with that.
Jr.: Self-preservation instinct failing you yet again, Shion?
Shion: What? No. We can get away in the E.S. models.
All (except MOMO): ...
KOS-MOS: Technically, she's not wrong.
All (except MOMO): ......
Ziggy: I still can't help but feel like this is the stupidest thing we've ever done, and it's worse because we can't even blame Shion or Jr. for it like usual.
Jr.: Hey!
MOMO: What are you guys talking about?
All (except MOMO): Nothing.
chaos: everything is okay.
Ziggy: We just need to get out of here.
KOS-MOS: As soon as possible.
All (except MOMO): ...
MOMO: Well, then let's go!
All (except MOMO): ...okay.
[They rush back to their E.S. models and suit up.]
Shion: Okay, next stop, anywhere but here.
Pellegri: Neither my subordinates nor the Patriarch's toys are of any use. The Inquisition will not allow you to escape.
MOMO: How unexpected!
Jr.: MOMO, stop that.
MOMO: But-
Pellegri: Disengage your weapons and surrender!
Shion: Okay.
[They do so.]
Pellegri: ...Uh.
Jr.: So what's your brilliant plan now? Are you going to escort us off this exploding base?
Pellegri: Well-
Jr.: Because I don't think you can keep track of three E.S. models, out in open space, in only one mech yourself.
Pellegri: I was-
Ziggy: Or are you going to stay here and sacrifice yourself?
Pellegri: What? No.
Shion: Then I guess you just didn't think this through very well, now did you?
Pellegri: ...Screw it, I'm attacking you guys anyway.
Jin: That's fine. We didn't even actually disengage our weapons.
BOSS FIGHT:
E.S. ISSACHAR
Pellegri: One E.S. model is a match for three E.S. models, right?
All: No.
Pellegri: Oh. That could be a problem, then.
[The E.S. ISSACHAR gets its ass kicked, mostly thanks to WINGS OF LIGHT spam.]
Jin: I am the best pilot. You should all thank me for helping you.
Jr.: That's not how we do things around here and you know it.
[Despite losing, PELLEGRI is fine afterwards. Did you expect anything less?]
Pellegri: I'm terribly sorry but I can't allow you to escape. This fortress has already begun to disintegrate. It's only a matter of time before it's swallowed by the Abyss. It'll be a fitting memorial to you. I suggest you spend your final moments praying for a peaceful slumber.
Shion: Oh no! We're all going to die here! She's going to sacrifice herself to stop us! She's just going to guard constantly and stall for time against us until-
[The E.S. ISSACHAR flies away.]
All: ......
Ziggy: I don't think she's coming back.
Shion: Then what the fuck was her big speech about, goddamn. "I can't allow you to escape. Now, I will depart, without setting up so much as a piece of string to thwart your escape, should you attempt one seconds later."
Jr.: Maybe she's hoping we'll keel over laughing or overanalyze her stupidity until time runs out?
Shion: ...You know, that's actually not a bad strategy against us.
Jr.: I know.
Shion: Quite.
Jr.: Indeed.
Shion: Mm.
KOS-MOS: CAN WE PLEASE ESCAPE NOW
Shion: Why, it's not like we're being timed.
Shion: ...
Shion: oh fuck, the time limit!
[They scurry back to the ELSA.]
Shion: Please tell me this thing is repaired?
Tony: You wanted it repaired?
Shion: ...
Tony: ...
Shion: ...yes.
Tony: We were kind of assuming you'd steal a ship from them or something.
Shion: That's the kind of thing you should have communicated to us before we left.
Tony: Well, can't you just go back and get one? Not like we're going anywhere.
Shion: ...yes. yes we can do that.
[SHION and the party leave the room.]
Shion: I didn't have the heart to tell them.
Jr.: I'm sure they've figured it out. They know us. They knew we'd blow this place up. They're just screwing with us.
Shion: They've got minutes to live and they're screwing with us?
Jr.: Yes.
Shion: Sounds plausible.
chaos: guys can we please discuss this later
Shion: What's the point? We're doomed no matter what. I still say we should grab the E.S. models and use them to save... our... selves...
Shion: ...
Shion: I have a plan. We're gonna get the three E.S. models, get behind the Elsa, and floor it.
chaos: that's crazy. we'll be a sitting duck.
Shion: Wrong. The Elsa's weapons still work. With Canaan and Jin targeting manually to provide counter-fire, we should be okay. Plus, if we don't need the thrusters, we can redirect power from them directly to the Elsa's shields.
Ziggy: We'll never be able to pull it off. Tony was able to pilot us in, but we'd need some sort of artificially created super-navigation machine in order to direct the six of us back out.
MOMO: Yo.
Jin: ...You know, this could actually work.
Shion: We don't have much time. I'm not 100% sure what speed we'll need to hit to clear the blast radius, but it's gonna be close no matter what. Everyone know their assigments?
All: Roger!
Shion: Then let's rock and ro-
[The ELSA suddenly jostles.]
Mary: Li'l Mastah, this is tha Durandal. Stand by ta be rescued!
Jr.: ...what. who even told you we were here?
Shelley: Master Gaignun did.
Jr.: ...........oh right, I guess that makes sense. heheh.
[The rest of the party throws death glares at JUNIOR.]
Jr.: Hey, what's the big deal? We're saved now, right? You guys should be happy about this.
Shion: sigh. the best laid plans of mice and men... [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
now with even more xenosaga
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show]Jr.: So where is Gaignun anyway?
Shelley: He left for Fifth Jerusalem in a hurry.
[Cut to GAIGNUN, who is acting weird and having a flashback.]
Citrine: You're just like us. Our duty is to manage and subdue the Red Dragon's violent nature. Didn't you find it strange that you don't react to the U-DO simulator?
Nigredo: I'm going to be honest with you.
Nigredo: I don't know what the goddamn hell you're talking about.
[Cut to a similar but different, different but similar flashback.]
Yuriev: Follow my orders.
Nigredo: Fuck your orders!
[NIGREDO pulls out a gun and shoots YURIEV. End flashback. GAIGNUN falls to the floor and grabs his head in pain as his hair begins to turn bright yellow.]
[Back on the DURANDAL, the party receives a message from HELMER to get back to work. They depart on the repaired-yet-again ELSA for OLD MILTIA immediately.]
[Back to GAIGNUN, who now resembles YURIEV and has his voice.]
The player: WHAT THE FUCK. You can't just take over the hottest character in the game! Fuck you, Yuriev.
Soldier (not THE Soldier): It's good to see you awake again, Dr. Yuriev.
Yuriev: Right. Catch me up.
[The soldier summarizes the situation.]
Yuriev: All right. Ready my forces.
Soldier: ...you have forces?
Yuriev: ...yeah, sure, probably.
Soldier: ...Are you feeling okay?
Yuriev: I uploaded my mind to the internet as part of a scheme to bodyjack someone and live forever. Do I look okay?
[Back to the ELSA, which is at OLD MILTIA.]
chaos: come good people and all believe...
Shion: Know the ground has twice upheaved...
chaos: the land of mu will disappear
Shion: Make sure the people hear!
chaos: some will leave and some will stay...
Shion: Some will watch the earth give way...
chaos: some will go and face the past
Shion: We're here and here to last!
chaos: ...
Shion: ...
chaos: ...
Shion: It's a good song.
chaos: it is.
Shion: Less so when bastardized to fit this game, though.
chaos: yes.
Matthews: All right, this is as far as I'm going. You guys need to handle the rest on foot.
Jin: Right. Our target is Labyrinthos.
Ziggy: No, we put that to a vote. We're not doing that.
Jr.: He's right, we totally did.
Shion: I wasn't there when this happened, but I agree on the basis that the name "Labyrinthos" fills me with dread. And fear. And another emotion which I can't quite identify.
MOMO: Desire to round up everyone in the world, put them on a spaceship, and pilot it into the sun?
Shion: Yes but more so than usual.
MOMO: Totally natural.
[They land at the SUNKEN CITY and deploy the E.S. models. The area is fairly uneventful, until...]
BOSS FIGHT:
O-88 DELPHINUS
Shion: Goddamn bosses that are only marginally stronger than regular enemies.
Jr.: It is stupid, but at least it's also easy.
[Suddenly, the DELPHINUS appears.]
Vyse: Which one of you stupid looking robots is named Delphinus?
O-88 Delphinus: I am!
[The DELPHINUS pastes the O-88 DELPHINUS with its MOONSTONE CANNON.]
Vyse: Wrong.
Shion: Hey you know, when you do that, we don't get experience.
Vyse: So?
Shion: So could you maybe stop doing it?
Vyse: I'm sorry, who here is a pirate again?
Vyse: Oh right. I am.
Vyse: Wow, look at how much I don't have to listen to you, then.
Vyse: spoilers it's a lot
[The DELPHINUS exits.]
Shion: Hate that guy.
[They move on and run into another O-88 DELPHINUS.]
Shion: Oh, I guess it wasn't a boss. I was bitching for nothing.
chaos: ...
chaos: wait, you're under the impression that the rest of the time, you're not bitching for nothing?
[They move on and find a downed battleship... and hear a familiar voice coming from it!]
X-Face: YOU ARE ALL COMPLETELY WORTHLESS. IF I VOMITED, AND THEN A DOG ATE THAT VOMIT AND VOMITED IT BACK UP, THE RESULTING VOMIT WOULD STILL BE A BETTER SOLDIER THAN ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER. AND WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU LAUGHING? I SWEAR TO GOD WE HAVE A TRASH COMPACTOR AND I'D JUST LOVE TO LET IT COMPACT TRASH LIKE ALL OF YOU.
Shion: Hey, it's that guy! Let's say hello to him!
KOS-MOS: ...I don't think that's a good idea.
Shion: Sure it is! HEY MR. VANDERKAM!
Vanderkam: ...WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL?! ENEMIES?! ALL MEN, REMOVE YOUR HEADS FROM YOUR OWN ASSES AND ASSUME BATTLE POSITIONS!
Shion: I think he's happy to see us.
BOSS FIGHT:
NAGLFAR
KOS-MOS: Running diagnostic... The Naglfar Main Cannon is protected by a shield. The shield will be directed elsewhere on every fourth turn.
Jr.: What? What possible reason do they have to send it elsewhere? The ship has been downed and this the only part we can even target. If they were smart, they'd keep it up 100% of the time.
KOS-MOS: If we were smart, we'd just walk away instead of engaging this downed ship that has no way of pursuing us for no reason.
Jr.: ...Touche.
[They defeat the NAGLFAR. The party tries to examine the NAGLFAR in further detail, but...]
???: Let's leave it alone.
Shion: ...Who said that?
chaos: wasn't me, that was a capital l.
Jr.: Wasn't me, I'm in favor of dicking around here.
Ziggy: Wasn't me, I never contribute anything to the plot.
Jin: Wasn't me, I haven't had like any lines in the last five hours.
MOMO: Wasn't me, I'm too busy playing Chu Chu Self-Destruct Sequence.
KOS-MOS: Wasn't me, I couldn't care less about what we do to this thing.
Canaan: IT WAS ME
Canaan: ...Okay, no, it wasn't, I just wanted a line so badly. You guys know I'm technically in your party right now, right? ...Hell, does anyone here even remember my name?
chaos: i do.
Canaan: Anyone BESIDES chaos?
chaos: ...
[chaos changes his FACEBOOK relationship status to "single".]
Jr.: Nobody cares, Canine.
Canaan: Canaan.
Jr.: Whatever.
Shion: ...So who the fuck said that?
All: ...
Shion: ......You know, I think we should leave. Quickly.
All: Agreed.
[Just past the downed NAGLFAR is LABYRINTHOS. The party leaves their E.S. models behind and heads inside.]
Jr.: In order to get to the center of Labyrinthos, we'll have to pass through this waterway.
Shion: ...So what you're saying is-
Jr.: We were COMPLETELY justified in voting not to do this.
Shion: Fucking sewer levels.
[They come upon a WATER LEVEL puzzle!]
chaos: the instructions say that, in order to proceed, we need to set the water level to zero. but we can only adjust it in increments of +6/-6, -5/+5, and -2/+2.
Shion: So this water serves no practical purpose, and in order to just get through the waterway normally, it needs to be set EXACTLY to 0, but there's no "set it to zero" button? Can you imagine how staff meetings went down here?
Shion: "All right, I'm under contract, but I really hate working for you guys, and technically there's nothing in my contract that says I have to do my job well, so all of my systems are going to be puzzle-based."
Shion: "Quit being a dick, Barry."
Jr.: You're pretty good at that.
Shion: I've had a lot of practice.
[They reach a room that looks differenty.]
Jin: This room seems different from the others, as if it's still in use.
MOMO: Nanomachines?!
Ziggy: I have heard stories of nanomachines running amok long after their users abandoned them.
Shion: That's ridiculous sci-fi mumbo-jumbo.
Ziggy: What kind of world do you think we live in?
Shion: No, this is clearly the work of your regular, every day phenomenally powerful consciousness that is beyond human understanding.
Jr.: It's U-DO. Definitely.
MOMO: U-DO makes webs?
Jr.: ......yes.
MOMO: Is
MOMO: Is it a spider
MOMO: Because I'm afraid of spiders.
Shion: Hey MOMO!
Shion:
MOMO: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THAT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jr.: Don't be a dick, Shion.
MOMO: ;_________;
Jr.: Look what you did. She's literally in the corner crying now.
Ziggy: MOMO, that's not a spider. It only had six legs.
MOMO: Oh, okay!
Shion: How does that work?
MOMO: Poor, foolish Shion. Poor, poor, foolish, stupid, dumb, moronic, annoying, silly, obnoxious, irritating, ugly, idiotic, leaves-people-stunned-from-the-fact-that-she-remembers-how-to-breathe Shion.
Shion: ...
MOMO: ...
Shion: Yes?
MOMO: Oh. I can't be afraid of six-legged spiders because they don't exist!
Shion: That's not a reason at all. 12 year olds are afraid of tons of things that don't exist. Like the boogeyman, or competent politicians, or Throat Wolves.
MOMO: "Throat Wolves".
Shion: Listen.
Shion: You don't want to know about Throat Wolves.
Shion: Just trust me on this.
[The party moves on and finds a TRAIN, waiting to be used.]
Shion: I don't suppose we can hope that this is a dope-ass Disney train that'll take us to the fun part of the game?
Jr.: GodDAMMIT
chaos: you owe me $20, i knew she wouldn't make it through this dungeon without a kingdom hearts reference
Jr.: I don't know why I even made that bet.
chaos: because i questioned your manhood?
Jr.: Oh. Right.
[chaos slips SHION $10. The party moves on to an area with an elevator, blocked by a gate, which needs to be disengaged from two different locations.]
Jr.: So why am I not in the combat party anymore?
Shion: Because we realized that I kill robots dead in way less turns.
MOMO: Then why am I not in the combat party anymore either?
chaos: because we realized that i kill human foes dead in way less turns.
Canaan: Then why am I not in the combat party anymore?
Ziggy: You were never in the combat party.
Canaan: In the opening-
Ziggy: That doesn't count and you know it!
Jr.: So why is KOS-MOS still in the combat party? She doesn't have any elemental advantages.
KOS-MOS: ahahahahahahaha
KOS-MOS: Oh wait, you were serious. Let me laugh even harder.
Jr.: I shouldn't have to take this. I'm the party leader.
Shion: Excuse me? I think I'm the party leader here. I am the main character, after all.
Jr.: No you're not! You're not even tangentially related to the A Plot, or the B Plot for that matter. You're C Plot at best.
Shion: You realize that the C Plot is just as important as the A Plot, right?
Jr.: No it isn't.
Shion: Sure it is! They're equally important because A be C.
Jr.: ...
Shion: ...
Jr.: ............
[JUNIOR's eyes begin to drift apart.]
Jr.: ...........................
Shion: I think I broke him.
[Red liquid begins to trickle out of JUNIOR's ears.]
Shion: Okay wow I wasn't expecting that. MOMO! EMERGENCY!
MOMO: Did you say the ABC thing again.
Shion: I didn't think it would work a second time!
MOMO: Shioooon...
Shion: Look, I already apologized!
MOMO: What? No you didn't. Saying "I am dumb" is not an apology.
Shion: I am dumb.
MOMO: STILL NOT AN APOLOGY SHION
[They move on and find a maze of boxes and ladders, all alike.]
Shion: This is so dumb.
chaos: at least we're getting items out of it.
Shion: Hands up, everyone who's used an item this game.
[beat]
chaos: ...point taken.
Jr.: Oh no, I sure hope a monster doesn't pop out of this next box.
[JUNIOR blows up the next box. A monster pops out.]
Monster: BLARGLE
Jr.: This is shocking. I am... yawwwwwn... shocked. Is this room done yet?
[They disengage the first lock, head back, and go to the left this time.]
Jin: Well now, this puzzle is sort of clever.
[There are stacks of boxes of varying heights which can be toppled over, at which point they cannot be moved further for some reason. The group must topple the correct stacks, and in the correct directions, to create a bridge for them to cross. It seems novel until they solve it in about 15 seconds, before even really understanding how it works.]
Shion: Eh, still longer and more difficult than Portal.
chaos: buh-zing.
Jr.: SACRILEGE
[Before they can disengage the second lock, they encounter CALX and VIVE again.]
Calx: Halt, villain!
Shion: Sorry, you're mistaking me for Albedo. It's an easy mistake to make, we both live through crap that should kill us, commit terrible atrocities, and are hated by everyone. You can tell us apart because he's way prettier.
Vive: We will avenge... uh... ourselves. Our past selves.
Shion: How'd that work out for you last time?
Shion: Oh.
Calx: This time will be different! With our past selves on our side, we can't lose!
[CALX and VIVE's past selves appear.]
Shion: ...So that wasn't metaphorical, eh.
Vive: Now, Shion Uzuki! We challenge you to combat by champion!
Shion: I accept your... wait, the fuck? If it's combat by champion, what possible advantage do your weaker past selves give you?
Calx: They support us in spirit!
Shion: ...
Shion: i see.
Jr.: This is taking entirely too long.
[JUNIOR shoots all the CALXES and VIVES.]
Jr.: There, was that so hard?
Shion: They're going to come back. They always come back.
chaos: maybe you guys could try not killing them? just once?
Shion: I don't follow.
[JUNIOR shrugs.]
chaos: you guys
chaos: seriously
chaos: this is a problem.
[They enter the LABYRINTHOS CORE.]
Jin: All right, let's get down to business.
Canaan: You mean, get this over with. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][They quickly solve the puzzle because LABYRINTHOS' security system is terrible.]
Canaan: Okay, get this data out of me. Now.
Shion: What exactly is it, anyway?
Jin: It's the identity of the mastermind behind the Miltian Conflict.
Shion: Joachim Mizrahi?
Jin: ...no shut up. It's someone else entirely.
[SHION clutches her head.]
Shion: Retcons. Why did it have to be retcons?
Jin: U-TIC was once a part of the Federation, made to study the Zohar, but Joachim was secretly turning it into a military operation. But that required funding. Most of the companies that funded U-TIC behind the scenes were just dummy corporations. All except Hyams, led by a man named Heinlein. Also known as a Cardinal in the Immigrant Fleet.
Jr.: So U-TIC has connections to the Immigrant Fleet?
Shion: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT. Don't act like this is surprising!
MOMO: So was Daddy connected to the Immigrant Fleet too?
Jin: No, he was just being used.
MOMO: That's... better... I guess?
Jin: The entire Miltian Conflict was masterminded by the Immigrant Fleet, but their plan didn't account for a couple very important things.
Jr.: Like U-DO awakening?
Shion: And the Gnosis appearing?
Jin: Yeah you can see why it didn't exactly end well for them... Joachim Mizrahi wasn't a madman. He just saw what was going on, went "screw this noise", and decided to sacrifice Miltia in order to seal all that bad stuff away. And then he entrusted the rest... to you, MOMO.
MOMO: ...If he had the ability to lob an entire planet into a black hole, why didn't he just use it to own the Immigrant Fleet directly?
Jin: Uh.
Jin: ...
Jin: The time for questions has ended. I need to send this data to Helmer. You all go on ahead.
Shion: ...Wait, if you knew all this all along, why did we come all this way to extract it from Keenan's head?
chaos: canaan.
Shion: Whatever.
Canaan: Have you ever had a really catchy song stuck in your head? Just playing over and over, on infinite loop, for weeks at a time? Well, that's what I've been going through for FOURTEEN years. God forbid you take a slight detour to help me out with this. We didn't even go out of the way at all, the Zohar is like two rooms away, down a linear path.
Shion: Okay fine, but I'm counting this as a sidequest and expecting a reward.
Canaan: I will give you this Decoder.
Shion: I see. Which Segmented Address does it correspond to?
Canaan: One that has at least a 30% chance of not being entirely fictional and made up by me just now.
Shion: I like those odds!
[The party, minus JIN and CANAAN, move on. They take an elevator and end up face to face with an old friend...]
Ziggy: Hey, you're that guy!
Margulis: So you've finally made it here. I see that Helmer has managed to assemble quite a motley crew. Indeed, each one of you is more motley than the last.
Shion: Yeah, we've got a URTV, an android superweapon, a Realian Prototype, a cyborg, a whatever-the-hell-chaos-is, and of course, me, Shion, the best one of them all.
Margulis: Unfortunately, you're too late. We've already accomplished our goal.
Shion: Funny how JRPG villains tend to only say that when it's really not true at all, and at the very least, the heroes can delay the villainous group significantly by killing whoever said it.
Shion: Incidentally, anyone up for a good killing?
Jr.: I am.
Shion: We have a second. Well then, let's get started, shall we?
Margulis: Hmph. I'll destroy you like I destroyed Ariadne!
[The party winces.]
chaos: dude. too soon.
Margulis: I'm sorry, what's my alignment again? Oh right. EVIL.
Ziggy: He's got us there.
Margulis: Now then, you seem to currently be without any Bleach characters in your party. Therefore, you don't stand a chance against me! Hado 31: Shakkaho!
[MARGULIS shoots a wimpy fireball at the party.]
Shion: We may have fought off E.S. models with our bare hands, but I think this dumb, tiny fireball is EXTREMELY SCARY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jr.: And I am worried about it also even though I was literally created for combat AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Suddenly, a blast of ice cancels out the fireball!]
Jin: The only good use for a sword... is protecting the people you care about. You're using that blade all wrong, Margulis!
Margulis: I can't believe you're still a part of this, Uzuki.
Jin: Really? It sounds exactly like something I'd do.
[The two begin to clash swords. The fight would end in about ten seconds if either of them had thought to bring a dagger or other side arm, to whip out during their opponents' theatrics and use for a quick kill. Ah, well.]
Jin: I won't allow a monster like you to inherit my grandfather's techniques!
Margulis: And I won't allow a fool like you to have the Daikatana!
Jin: I... wait, what?
Margulis: Nothing! Die, Uzuki!
[MARGULIS manages to wrestle JIN's sword away from him, but JIN blocks MARGULIS' attack with one finger.]
Jin: Bleach character.
Margulis: Right, dammit, I keep forgetting.
[JIN manages to get his sword back somehow.]
Jin: I shouldn't have spent my time running a used bookstore. I regret that now.
Shion (from off-screen): THAT MAKES TWO OF US!
Jin: I... yes, thank you, Shion.
Margulis: I'll make sure you die a painful death someday, Uzuki!
Jin: ...Someday?
Margulis: Yes!
Jin: But not today, specifically?
Margulis: No, I... wait. Shit. Okay, no, I'll make sure you die painfully today, Uzuki!
Jin: I don't think you will, not with that attitude!
Margulis: Well uh... I'm going to at least grievously wound you!
Jin: I doubt it, honestly!
Margulis: I could totally wound you if I wanted to! I just don't feel like it right now.
Jin: Can we just get on with it? Please?
Margulis: No. I mean, yes. Shut up, I'm going!
BOSS FIGHT:
MARGULIS
Jr.: Incidentally, while you were talking we realized it was the perfect opportunity for us to surround you. So, we did. Ha!
Margulis: Oh dear, that's the sound of me being screwed.
Jin: What a "shame".
Margulis: I'll have to use that technique. KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!
[MARGULIS summons a CHAAYA CLONE.]
Jin: No fair, I thought you were a Bleach character.
Margulis: Fool! I'm a character in every shounen anime!
[The party smacks the CHAAYA CLONE around a bit.]
Margulis: Ha! All your attacks do is heal my clo- What the hell, why am I injured?
Jin: Damage inflicted to the Chaaya Clone is absorbed by it, but you lose the same amount of health.
Margulis: What? That's not how it works!
Jin: Yes it is, RTFC.
[MARGULIS reads the spell text.]
Margulis: ...Fuck. Uzuki, you believe in giving your opponents do overs, don't you?
Jin: No.
[JIN finishes off MARGULIS. The party scores a 10x SKILL POINTS BONUS HOLY CRAP.]
Jr.: KOS-MOS! What does the scouter say about our Skill Points earned?!
KOS-MOS: It says that a third of them were wasted on Jin.
Jr.: ...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
[After the battle, MARGULIS is wounded, but not as wounded as he should be.]
Margulis: Ugh... It doesn't matter. You'll never be able to change anything. I hope you savour your abject despair. You're powerless.
Jin: If we're powerless, what are you?
Margulis: Escaping!
[MARGULIS hops onto an E.S. that suddenly appears.]
Shion: ...Where the fuck did that come from, how did it get in here, how is it going to get out, and why didn't we come in the same way?
Margulis: The answer to all of those questions and more is "fuck you, Shion".
Shion: ...Fair enough.
Margulis: We shall meet again... if you survive, that is!
[MARGULIS exits. The group moves on to the room with the ORIGINAL ZOHAR.]
Shion: This is the place Nephilim and Febronia kept explicitly telling me to go to even though I ignored them like half the time. I wonder if that means-
[SHION notices two young, female REALIANS kept in stasis chambers. They are hideously deformed; their limbs are bloody stumps at best, their skin is sloughing off, and in several places their bones are visible, exposed to the open air. It seems that are only kept alive by, and fused to, the machinery around them.]
Shion: .................this is... Cecily... and Cathe...
Jr.: Are those... Realians?
MOMO: Jr., what's wrong?
Jr.: MOMO, don't look!
[MOMO catches a glimpse of the bodies and instantly turns away.]
MOMO: Oh god...
Shion: ...
Shion: .................................
chaos: shion... are you okay?
Shion: ...
Shion: I'm so goddamn sick of this. I can't... I just can't take it anymore.
Jr.: Isn't this exactly the sort of thing you should have been expecting? Need to toughen up, tbqh.
Shion: Yeah why couldn't I have been raised from birth to be a soldier like you?
Jr.: Okay, point taken...
chaos: is there anything we can do to save them?
KOS-MOS: Are you serious? Look at them.
chaos: i'd rather not.
[DEREK STILES appears.]
Derek Stiles: I'm a doctor! I won't let this patient die!
KOS-MOS: No, this is a plot thing. We can't do the "random character X appears and resolves everything to save time" gag here.
Derek Stiles: But... but... There should never be diseases that cannot be treated!
KOS-MOS: Yes, you are an endless barrel of catchphrases. Now get out.
[DEREK STILES exits, dejected. He was never heard from again.]
Jr.: Why would anyone do this?
[Suddenly, THE POPE appears.]
THE POPE: Because it was easier for us to use them this way.
Jin: Why would the leader of the Immigrant Fleet be here?
THE POPE: ...Um. It probably has something to do with that.
[He points to the ORIGINAL ZOHAR.]
Jin: ...It was a rhetorical question.
THE POPE: Nice save.
THE POPE: Anyway, we are Ormus. The true owners of the Zohar. Our organization has existed since the dawn of man, and it shall exist until the Zohar carry us to a higher plane. That is God's will, and that is our mission.
Jr.: God, huh? Now we're talking. Get your God in here so we can make numbers pop out of his head until the plot is resolved.
THE POPE: ...I'm going to ignore that.
Shion: ...For such
Shion: trivial
Shion: CRAP
Shion: you did
Shion: ALL THIS
Shion: TO THEM?!
THE POPE: Is that a problem? They are tools-
Shion: No, you shut the FUCK up! A couple other villains have already done this whole schtick and it's gotten really old by now! If you intend to fight us, then fight us, but I won't tolerate any more of this generic villainous bullshit!
THE POPE: ...Hm. You don't know what you're bargaining for, girl.
[THE POPE activates the ZOHAR.]
THE POPE: This is the power granted to us by God!
Jr.: It's... the voice of U-DO! We need to stop the system before U-DO wakes up again!
KOS-MOS: Shion, stand back. I will destroy the entire system, cutting power to the Zohar.
Shion: KOS-MOS, wait!
[SHION gets in front of KOS-MOS.]
KOS-MOS: ...This is your big plan. Get in front of me when I've got work to do.
Shion: ...I suppose so, yes.
KOS-MOS: How'd that work out for the last person who tried it?
KOS-MOS: Oh right.
KOS-MOS: Dead.
Shion: You can't shoot me, I'm Vector personnel.
KOS-MOS: Implying you still have a job there.
Shion: What? Why wouldn't I still have...
Shion: ...
Shion: Oh right, all that stuff I did...
[KOS-MOS prepares to fire, but time suddenly stops and FEBRONIA appears.]
Febronia: Shion, since you apparently have the attention span of a goldfish, I'm appearing yet again to remind you about your quest. That is, the quest that is about to be completed, vis-a-vis the shooting, except that you're actively preventing it from being completed.
Febronia: Despite the fact that it's YOUR QUEST.
Shion: The quest was to HELP them!
Febronia: This will help them. This is the only help they can be given now!
Shion: They'll die!
Febronia: That's the point!
Shion: And you're okay with that?!
Febronia: ...It's better than the alternative.
Shion: ...
Febronia: ...
Shion: If they die... then I've failed.
Febronia: ...You can't always win, Shion.
Shion: Yeah... Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you...
[Time restarts. SHION moves out of the way.]
Shion: ...Do it.
[KOS-MOS opens fire, destroying the system and killing CECILY and CATHE.]
THE POPE: Too little, too late.
[In the background, a very gaudy looking golden mech awakens and begins to integrate the ZOHAR through plug-and-play technology.]
Jin: It can't be! Proto Omega! It's been completed?!
Jr.: You've got us at a disadvantage here, Jin.
THE POPE: Allow me to explain. It's a big fuck-off mech. It'll completely eradicate the Gnosis and subjugate the entire star cluster under Ormus' rule. Any questions?
Jr.: Just one.
[JUNIOR steps in front of SHION and draws his pistol.]
Jr.: Is it weak to antique handguns?
Shion: Oh sure, save the kids, "no you can't it's impossible Shion". But if you want to take on a MacGuffin-powered super robot with a handgun from 4000 years ago, "that sounds plausible Jr. please go for it". I fucking hate this game.
[JUNIOR and KOS-MOS open fire on the PROTO OMEGA, but it doesn't work.]
THE POPE: Wasting your time!
[The PROTO OMEGA sends out an energy pulse and the entire party is turned into trophies.]
THE POPE: Now... let the festival begin!
MOMO: What festival?
THE POPE: Um.
MOMO: I hope they have carnival games! And a Ferris wheel!
THE POPE: It will be a very... uh... dangerous festival. A festival celebrating your doom.
MOMO: Oh, the annual doom festival.
THE POPE: You've heard of it!
MOMO: Albedo ran the last one.
MOMO: Except there was no festival.
MOMO: Only rape.
THE POPE: ...
MOMO: ...
THE POPE: I hate that URTV.
MOMO: Listen.
MOMO: I'd say you're preaching to the choir.
MOMO: But that would imply that you can even come close to hating Albedo as much as I do.
MOMO: So it's more like you're throwing teaspoons of grape juice into the ocean and claiming it's saltwater.
THE POPE: That is a very specific analogy.
MOMO: I'll admit I can't throw it around as much in casual conversation, and yet it comes up surprisingly often.
THE POPE: ...Anyway, this is an entirely different doom festival.
MOMO: Unaffiliated with Albedo's doom festival, is what you're saying.
THE POPE: Yes. I hope I can count on your attendance?
MOMO: I don't know, the whole idea of doom festivals has been kind of poisoned for me.
THE POPE: What if I called it a destruction festival? Or a despair festival?
MOMO: That might be better, plus you wouldn't have to worry about Albedo suing you then!
THE POPE: I didn't even consider that! Thanks, MOMO!
MOMO: Sure thing, mister!
THE POPE: ...
MOMO: ...
THE POPE: You realize that the doom festival is an analogy for me killing you, right?
MOMO: Yes.
THE POPE: Just checking.
[The PROTO OMEGA disappears from sight, and the planet starts exploding.]
Jr.: ...And that's our cue to exit.
[The group runs like hell back to the ELSA, and escapes just in time, as MILTIA becomes an active volcano and destroys the entirety of the surrounding IMMIGRANT FLEET and FEDERATION FLEET... which really doesn't seem like a good idea, I mean, the IMMIGRANT FLEET had to have known this was going to happen, and those weren't small ships. Based on their name - IMMIGRANT FLEET - it seems likely a lot of those ships housed civilians, too. I just can't imagine this is good for PR, is all. Anyway, from inside the planet, a massive, planet-sized mech appears.]
Shion: ...Unicron, eh? Matthews! Can the Elsa transform and roll out?
Matthews: What? No.
Shion: Then we are seriously screwed.
chaos: ...so um, did anyone remember to pick up canaan before we left?
All: ...
chaos: goddammit, you guys. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
i swear i was not intoxicated while writing this (that's why it isn't very good)
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][Meanwhile, in SOME PLACE...]
U-TIC Dude: Miss Pellegri... uh... ma'am. Reporting in on our evil plans. They're, uh, going very evilly. Over.
[U-TIC DUDE is shot from off-screen.]
???: Going, going, gone, in fact.
Pellegri: What the?! Are you okay?! Respond! Over.
[The mysterious shooter is YURIEV.]
Yuriev: He's dead. I shot him. You saw me. Yet you ask if he's okay? I see Margulis' taste in henchmen leaves something to be desired.
Pellegri: You! Over.
Yuriev: I've already taken Parliament. Next, I'll take you down.
Pellegri: But... you died! Fourteen years ago! Over.
Yuriev: Give your commander a message for me. Tell him I will never die.
Pellegri: Okay, but you know, you should really end your transmissions with the word "over". Over.
Yuriev: Correction. The only thing that's over... is this transmission.
[YURIEV shoots the monitor. Meanwhile, THE POPE stands in front of many computer screens.]
THE POPE: Reinforcements? Damn the Federation! Do they really want to destroy us that badly? If this keeps up, there won't be any Immigrant Fleet left for me to destroy pointlessly, even though it would have been really easy to tell them to evacuate. Ah well. Margulis! Take what's left of the fleet and annihilate them.
Margulis: Ahahahahahaha no that's not gonna happen.
THE POPE: I AM YOUR MASTER! GO OUT AND DIE POINTLESSLY FOR ME. If you survive, you will have the honor of being sacrificed by me for no adequately explained reason. That should be motivation enough.
Margulis: We Inquisitors serve only one master. That guy, that the writer has been glossing over because he assumed he was unimportant.
THE POPE: You can't mean... err... what was his name again?
[MARGULIS shrugs.]
THE POPE: I think it started with an H. This is gonna bug me all day.
Margulis: Lucky then that today will be a very short day for you. What I'm saying is that you are going to die. Have a good one.
[MARGULIS exits.]
THE POPE: ...I wanna say, Hennison...
The writer: Your guess is as good as mine.
[Meanwhile, SHION is moping around on the ELSA. JIN enters.]
Jin: The rest of the party is already on the Durandal. If you don't hurry, you'll be left behind. The party was very specific about that. In fact, I'm risking my position to tell you.
Shion (sobbing): Why did it have to be me? Why did Febronia pick me?! It's just like fourteen years ago! She... Febronia died and all I could do was run away! I never wanted to feel like that again! So... why did she choose me?!
Jin: I think she had another sister, one she loved as much as her real sisters. She wanted to protect that sister. That's why she chose that sister for such a painful task.
Shion: ...
Shion: Were those points connected or did you just kind of make that up as you went along?
Jin: Eh.
Shion: I mean, if she loved me like a sister and wanted to protect me, I'm logically the last person she would have picked for such a dangerous and mentally draining mission.
Jin: Listen.
Jin: It wasn't even established in Xenosaga 1 that you knew this person beyond vaguely recognizing her.
Jin: Just roll with it.
Shion: No. I have far too much angst now. I'm going to need something more than picking of nits to motivate me. Can you drum up a dramatic speech?
Jin: sigh
Jin: Okay, so... something like...
Jin: Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Run and be free of pain or stand and face your... sudden and wholly unsatisfying angst! Now is the time to barge your way in on Jr.'s story! The plot is in your hands!
Shion: A dramatic speech, plot nitpicking, and plagiarism. That's enough to convince me!
[SHION exits, but not before shooting JIN a
Jin: I'm hopeless. Febronia, I envy you. You were able to do for Shion what I, her own brother, could not do for her... force her to kill two children. But what can I do for Shion now? And perhaps more importantly, what can I do about MY OWN dark and troubled past?!
Jin: ...
Jin: ......
The director: Cut! Jin, what's the problem?
Jin: I'm just marveling at how awful that line was.
The director: Jin-
Jin: I don't need to take this.
The director: Jin, just say the damn lines.
Jin: I was Goemon Ishikawa AND Shunsui Kyoraku, you know.
The director: We know, Jin. Please just say the lines? Please?
Jin: I hate this game so much.
[On the DURANDAL's bridge...]
100-Series: Got a call coming in. Should I put it on the main screen?
Jr.: Make it so.
[YURIEV appears.]
Yuriev: It's been a while, Rubedo.
Jr.: Dad! You bastard! .........Should I overlook the fact that you look exactly like Gaignun and that due to our constant telepathic link I should have figured out what happened to him pretty much immediately?
Yuriev: Would you?
Jr.: No. Fuck you.
Yuriev: Listen. We've got bigger issues.
Jr.: Something about a planet that might be destroyed? Oh wait. You were the one who was willing to let that happen when we confronted U-DO, weren't you.
Yuriev: Sacrifice one planet to save the entire star cluster. It was an acceptable ante. Unfortunately, I had to go all in with two jokers and a how-to-play-poker card showing.
Shion: Acceptable losses... I hate that term.
Shion: ...
Shion: Did you guys hear me? I SAID ACCEPTABLE LOSSES? I HATE THAT TERM.
Yuriev: Is she always like this?
Jr.: Worse, usually.
Yuriev: Never mind. We've got bigger issues. You need to stop Albedo. Preferably by killing him.
Jr.: We've tried that, it never sticks. I think we should try reasoning with him.
Yuriev: Albedo has no reason to listen to you.
Jr.: ...ugh. That one was REALLY bad.
Yuriev: Sorry. In any case, I look forward to seeing how hilariously badly this goes for you. Good luck!
[YURIEV ends the communication and is quickly body-unjacked by GAIGNUN.]
Gaignun: Jr.... Don't trust... my words...
Gaignun: If only... I had... some kind of... telepathic... communication... channel... directly to... Jr....
Gaignun: Unfortunately... as far as I know... no such thing... even exists... in this universe... much less... specific to... me and Jr. personally...
[Back to the party.]
Shelley: To take out the Proto Omega, you'll need to find and remove the Original Zohar. The Elsa is waiting for you. Good luck. You'll need it. The thing IS the size of a planet, after all. In truth, you pose no threat to it whatsoever. I mean, if I were in your shoes-
Jr.: Thank you, Shelley.
[They return to the ELSA and find CANAAN.]
Canaan: Hey so thanks for your help back there, guys. Not that I'm bitter or anything kill you all in your sleep except chaos.
Shion: Why does chaos get excluded from the sleep killings?
Canaan: You don't want to know.
Shion: I really do.
chaos: well i don't. seriously, leave me out of this.
Canaan: ...
[CANAAN changes his FACEBOOK relationship status to "single". The ELSA departs for the PROTO OMEGA.]
[The ELSA has arrived at the OMEGA SYSTEM.]
Jr.: We'll take the-
Shion: E.S. for this mission, yes, I know. Gotta stretch out the game length somehow, might as well do it with an even slower battle system.
[They encounter enemy ANATHEMA mechs.]
Enemy pilot: It's not about the machine, it's the pilot!
Jr.: ...No, I'm pretty sure it's the machine.
Enemy pilot: Pffft, no way.
Shion: No seriously, we've got a mech here that can use Ethers. On other mechs.
Enemy pilot: Wait what, really?
Jin: It's true.
MOMO: I'm a pilot!
Enemy pilot: Wow, I've been going about this all wrong!
Ziggy: Happens to everyone.
chaos: perfectly understandable.
[Moving on, they encounter a point where they must abandon their E.S. models to continue.]
Shion: I really wish these things were still optional.
Jr.: We ALL wish these things were still optional, Shion.
[They cross a big bridge to push some buttons to open some giant metal doors, while an enemy ANATHEMA mech on a lower level just watches them curiously.]
Jr.: ...So um, he does realize he could shoot us, right?
Shion: Obligatory reminder that we beat an E.S. model to death on-foot.
Jr.: ...I hate it when the things you say make no sense at all, and yet are completely true and answer my questions perfectly.
[The ANATHEMA mech waves to the party.]
Jr.: Yeah. Yeah, hi there. Hello to you too.
[The party waves back awkwardly before moving on and encountering some KNIGHTS!]
Jin: Is it just me or are these guys more of a threat than Margulis was?
Jr.: Well, to be fair, we don't outnumber them 3-to-1 and they don't waste time summoning and dismissing useless allies who do more harm than good.
Jin: So, is it just me or are these guys more of a threat than Margulis was?
Jr.: No, it's not just you.
Jin: Thought not.
[They eventually win, mostly thanks to KOS-MOS, JUNIOR, and SHION, as usual.]
Jr.: Our weapons are guns!
Shion: Science!
KOS-MOS: And... ugh... love.
Shion: We talking physical love, romantic love, or platonic love?
KOS-MOS: Based on the first game? All three.
Shion: Kinky.
Jr.: This conversation is where witty references go to die.
Shion: Oh yeah, quoting other JRPGs, real witty. Weren't you mocking that back in the Encephalon in Episode 1?
Jr.: Tales isn't as overused as Final Fantasy. In any case, I think the two encounters with Dick alone put us really close to the bottom of the barrel, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't keep breaking out the shovels.
Shion: Heheh... encounters with Dick.
Jr.: THAT does it. I'm taking myself out of the battle party. MOMO, you're in.
MOMO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[They encounter and defeat even more knights.]
Knight: What am I doing?!
Shion: Fighting and dying pointlessly for a corrupt religion devoted to double-crossing everyone within arm's reach.
Knight: Oh god. This is a JRPG, isn't it?
Shion: 'Fraid so.
Knight: I've got to fire that agent.
chaos: i'm going to regret asking this, but why didn't you know what was going on?
Knight: I drank a lot last night.
chaos: oh. understandable.
Knight: Never again, though. My extensive collection of all sorts of adult beverages will go to waste.
Party: ...
Jr.: We are willing to help with that.
[Moving further on, they encounter an E.S. ELEVATOR. However, to work, it requires someone to run ahead of the elevator on foot and deactivate gates that will block the elevator's descent and cause it to return to the previous floor. This actually happens.]
Shion: Why would anyone install something like this in their own base?!
Ziggy: If I had to guess, I'd say that moving E.S. around from floor to floor is a rare occasion, so when that happens, they just station someone at each console and it's very simple. The system is probably set up like this in the first place for safety reasons; an elevator that large, designed to carry giant war machines, needs failsafes like this.
Shion: ...
Ziggy: ...
Shion: ...
Ziggy: ...
Shion: I hate elevator puzzles! This game is stupid! Assorted additional complaints!
Ziggy: sigh
MOMO: If it makes you feel better, I feel like I've learned something today!
Ziggy: Thank you, MOMO.
Shion: Jin! Beer me!
[After meeting the E.S. on the next floor down and getting back inside, the party moves forward and is immediately attacked by a weird... laser... squid?]
BOSS FIGHT:
INVERSION
Shion: This fight looks rather complicated, but I'm willing to bet we can still win by spamming Square and healing as needed.
Jr.: I'm not going to take that bet.
Shion: Oh god it's got a lot of HP. We're going to need so much vodka to survive this.
Jin: We've got a lot of vodka.
Shion: Not enough.
[INVERSION begins counterboosting whenever it gets hit.]
Shion: Not. Nearly. Enough.
Jr.: chaos! Break out the rum.
[The party moves on and finds a room full of boxes.]
chaos: the instructions say we can only destroy each box from one side.
Shion: ...So it's a puzzle. Everyone take a drink.
chaos: no, there's no way to fail. there's just a lot of backtracking.
Shion: Ah, an artificial game lengthener. Everyone take two drinks.
Ziggy: I really think this drinking game is a bad idea.
Jr.: Complaining about nothing. Everyone, finish your drink.
[They move on and find a room where one wall is stacked full of RED, YELLOW, and BLUE boxes, in a TETRIS ATTACK-esque manner.]
Shion: I'm jus'... I'm jus' saying. Every room... there'z more... more boxes. I wonder if the... if the... if the... the uh... Proto Omega. I wonder if it's a box factory.
[KOS-MOS giggles.]
KOS-MOS: I'm analyzing a 30% likelihood of our vectors being coefficient to the variable of the paradigm and also that this is a puzzle.
Ziggy & Jin: Ninety-nine colored boxes on the wall, ninety-nine colored boxes... you shoot one down, IT BLOWS UP ALL AROUND!
chaos: JUNIOR
Jr.: what.
chaos: JUNIOR
Jr.: WHAT
chaos: WHY IS THE RUM ALWAYS GONE
Jr.: ...shut up, chaos.
chaos: IT IS A COMICAL REFERENCE
Jr.: yes thank you chaos, we get it.
chaos: BECAUSE
chaos: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS IN THE MOVIES
Jr.: Thank you, chaos.
chaos: HEY SHION! WHY IS THE RUM ALWAYS GONE
chaos: SHION
chaos: SHION
chaos: SHION STOP MAKING OUT AND LISTEN TO MY REFERENCE
KOS-MOS: Heehee. Sorry, chaos!
[While the adults are screwing around, MOMO solves the puzzle. Down one path - the path opened by the puzzle - are broken enemies that will certainly kill the party. Down the other path are annoying, dangerous, tedious E.S. battles.]
Shion: We're not... we're not gonna... gonna go down that path again. Lez do... lez do the other one... the E.S. one.
MOMO: But we can completely avoid the enemies in this one. There's literally no threat if we have any restraint at all.
MOMO: ...
Ziggy & Jin: Nine-thousand four hundred seventeen colored boxes on the wall, nine-thousand four hundred seventen colored boxes... you shoot one down, IT BLOWS UP ALL AROUND!
chaos: GUYS
chaos: GUYS
chaos: GUYS
chaos: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COUNT DOWNWARDS
Jr.: zzzZZZZZZzzzzzz... shaddup, chaos... zzzzzzzZZZzzz...
KOS-MOS: I love you guys. We should do stuff like this more often!
MOMO: .......The other path it is.
[After nearly dying several times and being forced to run from a random encounter for the first time all game - we'll blame the fact that most of the party has no hand-eye coordination anymore - the party ditches their E.S. models and reaches a big, complicated, fragile-looking doohickey.]
Shion: ...
[SHION smashes it. A save point appears.]
chaos: SHION YOU ARE THE SMARTEST PERSON
Shion: The who's the what now?
chaos: ...HUH?
Shion: What?
chaos: SAY AGAIN?
Shion: Eh?
MOMO: Let's just move on. Please.
[They move on, taking a moving platform to a big room that says "boss fight here". Suddenly, a giant CASTLE pops out of the ground and attacks the party.]
Party: .........
[The party simultaneously and without conference proceed to toss their remaining bottles of liquor.]
BOSS FIGHT:
CATHEDRAL
Jr.: this is real. this is a real thing.
Cathedral: THE CATHEDRAL DEMANDS VIRGIN SACRIFICES.
Jr.: this is actually happening to us.
KOS-MOS: Hey Shion! psst psst psst psst
Shion: Yer not... actually telling me anything... KOS-MOS... Yer jus'... saying "psst psst" over and over.
KOS-MOS: psst psst psst
Shion: stop it kos-mos
Shion: you're an android
Shion: you can't whisper
Shion: you don't even have vocal chords
MOMO: Does anyone have a plan for this fight?
Ziggy: I love the mountains!
Jin: I love the clear blue sky!
Ziggy: I love big bridges!
Jin: I love when great whites fly!
Ziggy: I love the whole world!
Jin: And all its sights and sounds!
Ziggy & Jin: Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda...
MOMO: ...
MOMO: And that's when I realized that it was up to me. chaos, can we air this thing?
chaos: THAT IS RIDICULOUS IT IS A CASTLE OF COURSE WE CANNOT
MOMO: ...Can we down it?
chaos: ABSOLUTELY JUST SAY THE WORD
[After rigorous character swaps, lots of stocking, lots of boosting, lots of casting of QUICK, more than one casting of REVERT, and many, many minutes of beating on the castle for peanuts worth of damage, it dies.]
Shion: Make a note - if you're drunk, then die and get revived, you don't remain drunk.
Jr.: So noted.
Shion: You do, however, become hung over.
MOMO: No, that's just the pain of our brains trying to comprehend why we just got ambushed by a very angry cathedral.
chaos: maybe someone shot an arrow at it and then repeatedly failed to comprehend that cathedrals are buildings?
All: ...
chaos: what? i can't make a reference now and then?
Ziggy: You and I are supposed to be above this.
chaos: meh. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
almost, almost, almost, ALMOST done
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][The party moves on and finds THE POPE.]
THE POPE: blah blah blah you've done well to make it this far, still insignificant, etc.
Jr.: Generic anger.
Shion: Questioning of villainous plan.
???: DYNAMIC ENTRANCE
[ALBEDO appears.]
Albedo: I've heard enough. This plot isn't going to go anywhere unless I hijack it myself.
Jr.: Albedo! You're alive!
Entire party except Jr.: Goddammit.
Albedo: Yo, Rubedo! You seem happy to see me. Yo, everyone else! You're wholly unimportant and should have killed yourselves years ago.
THE POPE: Ah, if it isn't the previous game's main villain. I'm afraid you're too last season to affect the current plot.
Albedo: You're annoying and a C-grade villain at best. Nobody will care if I off you just to prove I'm still relevant.
Shion: He's right, we really won't.
Albedo: How about it? Want some help, Rubedo?
[ALBEDO leaps into action. He shoots lasers at THE POPE and the PROTO OMEGA, but can't bypass their AT FIELDs. The PROTO OMEGA retaliates and blasts ALBEDO into a wall.]
Albedo: Knocking me into a wall... my one weakness.
THE POPE: Keep talking. I'm reloading my Proto Omega.
Albedo: ...Actually, I do seem to be vanishing at an alarming rate. Unfortunately for you, I won't die, even if you kill me.
THE POPE: Really?
Albedo: I dunno, probably.
THE POPE: Let's find out together.
[ALBEDO laughs as he vanishes.]
Jr.: Damn you! You bastard! You're gonna pay! Additional assorted generic statements of anger!
THE POPE: Um I think you should be thanking me, really.
MOMO: Thank you.
THE POPE: You're welcome, MOMO!
Jr.: The only one allowed to take Albedo out is me! And possibly an additional two people, if we work together! Or maybe three unrelated people, as long as I'm at least somewhere in the party! But never you.
BOSS FIGHT:
PATRIARCH
THE POPE: I don't need the Proto Omega to defeat you!
Jr.: Why, do you have some combat abilities yourself?
THE POPE: ......What do you mean?
Shion: Generally people who fight us at least carry weapons or have some offensive abilities. Or are buildings, apparently.
THE POPE: ...Huh. I didn't know that. I just thought that-
Jr.: Nope, we're done here.
[JUNIOR shoots THE POPE, ending the battle. The results screen pops up, but...]
THE POPE: I may not have combat abilities, but I can still break the fourth wall!
Shion: Oh yeah? Join the club, it's called "everyone" and we-
[THE POPE destroys the results screen! (This actually happens!)]
Shion: WHAT
Jr.: Well NOW I'm impressed.
Shion: WHAT
chaos: hmm, and here when we break the fourth wall, it's just to make stupid jokes.
Shion: WHAT
Jin: Seems he wants a rematch. Everyone get ready.
Shion: WHAT
BOSS FIGHT:
PATRIARCH
THE POPE: Get them, Proto Omega!
Jr.: What a novel idea, actually using your superweapon against us.
KOS-MOS: It is rather impressive except for the fact that Shion does more damage on her average turn. Just how much HP did Albedo have?
MOMO: The correct amount.
Jr.: 1 HP.
MOMO: Like I said.
THE POPE: Stop blathering and die already!
Shion: ahahahahahahaha
Shion: Oh man. If it was that simple, we'd done with the game already.
Shion: Seriously though let's just air this guy and go home.
THE POPE: ...What do you mean, air-
[They air THE POPE and finish him off.]
THE POPE: Hahaha! You'll never defeat me! The results screen is dead! You can't win! You-
[THE POPE is impaled from behind.]
Results screen: Guess who.
THE POPE: What?! But you're... urk...
Results screen: Looks like the fourth wall...
[sunglasses]
Results screen: Just broke you.
Shion: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THE POPE: Ugh... Completely incomprehensible... Why are you all doing this?!
Jr.: .......Um.
[JUNIOR points at the PROTO OMEGA.]
Jr.: One, I need the Zohar.
Jr.: Two, you've got a superweapon that we don't trust you with.
Jr.: Three, you killed my brother.
Jr.: And four, you BLEW UP A PLANET.
THE POPE: Oh right. I guess I really should have expected this...
Jr.: Yeah, probably.
THE POPE: Regardless, I don't have time for this. Witness Proto Omega's U.M.N. Phase Transfer Cannon, and despair!
Shion: If you could do something like that, you'd have done it earlier.
THE POPE: ...Shut up, no I wouldn't have. When you reach the afterlife, tell Helmer I said hello!
Shion: What? You killed Helmer off-screen? What the hell! What does this game have against good NPCs?!
THE POPE: Now... FIRE!
[Nothing happens.]
THE POPE: ......Give it a minute.
Shion: I told you he couldn't do it. Pay up, Jr.
Jr.: Dammit.
THE POPE: C'mon, work! I... okay, let's try troubleshooting. Yadda yadda, try restarting your system. Can you guys hold on while I restart this thing?
chaos: we've got nowhere to be.
[A minute or so passes while the PROTO OMEGA restarts.]
THE POPE: Okay, let's try this again. FIRE!
[Nothing happens.]
THE POPE: One sec... No, that didn't solve my problem... "If the problem continues, contact your Proto Omega administrator."
THE POPE: That's not so bad. I just need to... call... Margulis...
THE POPE: ...
THE POPE: Goddamn him.
THE POPE: I'm serious, God. Do it. You owe me!
Shion: This is the part where we get to slaughter the villain, right?
KOS-MOS: We must act quickly, before he can get away unharmed like so many other villains of ours have an annoying habit of doing.
THE POPE: ...Just let me try restarting again. I bet it'll work this time.
[Suddenly, VIRGIL (still in disguise), the RED-CLOAKED MAN, and a BLACK-HOODED MAN appear, as well as several mechs and other machines.]
Red-Cloaked Man: The plot device doesn't exist for you alone.
THE POPE: ...You mean the Zohar?
RCM: Eh.
Shion: Hey, I know you! Hi, Virgil! Eat anyone good lately?
THE POPE: Testament! ...God, now that I'm on the other side of it, some of the religious symbolism in this game is really shoehorned in.
Red-Cloaked Man: Speaking of which, shouldn't you not be using the Lord's name in vain?
THE POPE: Shouldn't I not want to kill tons of people?
Red-Cloaked Man: ...Touche?
Virgil (henceforth Testament): Yes, you're the dumbest villain. We know. Please exit stage left. Your act is over. Don't make us get the big hook.
[TESTAMENT blows up the PROTO OMEGA.]
Testament: Looks like that's the end for Proto Omega.
Shion: Man, you didn't even do the sunglasses thing. It doesn't work without the sunglasses.
THE POPE: No! I am all power-
[THE POPE gets blasted to dust.]
Shion: Guess that was a testament to his real power level.
Testament: You can't pull off lines like that, Shion, don't even try.
[TESTAMENT looks to the silent BLACK-HOODED MAN.]
Testament: What's the matter with you? See someone you know?
Ziggy: It's you.
[ZIGGY has a flashback. He sees the BLACK-HOODED MAN standing over a pool of blood and a child's shoe.]
Ziggy: You! VOYAGER!
Shion: I'm not buying it. Anything that ties Ziggy into the main plotline can't possibly be true.
Jr.: Agreed.
[ZIGGY fires a bunch of missiles at the BLACK-HOODED MAN, who is possibly named VOYAGER, but that's a dumb name so we'll call him BHM for as long as we can. In any case, the missiles vanish into his AT FIELD and reappear behind ZIGGY, with hilarious results.]
Testament: Now you're thinking with portals!
Shion: Were you surprised that Ziggy was completely ineffectual? Because I wasn't surprised that Ziggy was completely ineffectual.
Jr.: I'm surprised he's still alive.
Ziggy: You guys can help me whenever you want.
Jr.: This is payback for the end of the Song of Nephilim in Xenosaga 1, you bastard. Don't think I forgot about that.
Red-Cloaked Man: Okay, bored now. Back to work, everyone.
[The three mysterious strangers use their mysterious powers to reveal ALBEDO.]
Albedo: So what happened to the Patriarch? Oh right. Some people actually die when they die. Sucks for him!
[ALBEDO begins to absorb U-DO waves.]
Jr.: Stop it! This is not what you were born to do!
Albedo: Yeah, I should've broken the spiritual link and then proceeded to dick around for 14 years instead.
Jr.: Words hurt, Albedo.
[The three men disappear.]
Albedo: Come, Rubedo. Come to my world! Let's have some fun!
Jr.: ...I'm only going to come if you promise not to try to have sex with me.
Albedo: Well then, we seem to be at an impasse.
[KOS-MOS walks forward and activates her AT FIELD.]
KOS-MOS: I can keep this up for 3 minutes. You all might want to escape in that time. And no "boo-hoo KOS-MOS we'll all die together rather than listen to you when you tell us you can escape on your own". You know as well as I do that I have ways of getting out of crap like this.
Shion: I'm more concerned about us not having a way out.
KOS-MOS: Break down that wall.
Shion: We can break down the walls? Then why the fuck do we bother doing dungeons the normal way?!
[ZIGGY gets up and smashes the wall, destroying his arm in the process.]
Ziggy: Don't worry. I can always be repaired.
Jin: Gee, and here I was, ready to use my "capable of cutting mechs in half" fake impossible swordsmanship to destroy the wall. But sacrificing parts of your body under the assumption that obsolete technology can be repaired easily and at no cost works too.
Ziggy: You know, I wasn't there when you did that, and you haven't done it again since. Forgive me for trying to stay in character.
Jin: You're forgiven, but don't let it happen again.
[The wall crumbles away, revealing the ELSA.]
Allen: Hurry up! We're almost out of time! My entire character is limited to shouting generic warnings at you!
[They get on board. The ELSA gets the heck outta dodge and docks at the DURANDAL. The OMEGA SYSTEM disappears/transforms into the SPACE TIME ANOMALY.]
Voice of Albedo: Behold, Rubedo! At long last, my time has come! The time to join the eternal chain!
Jr.: I thought you were the perfect chain already?
Voice of Albedo: That
Voice of Albedo: That's something else entirely.
Jr.: "Oh". [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][The party exits the ELSA and heads to the DURANDAL's bridge.]
Shion: ...It occurs to me that we lost our extremely powerful mechs back when the Omega System kerploded.
Jin: Nah, we got them back.
Shion: How? They weren't anywhere near us.
Jin: Well, KOS-MOS managed to get back, right?
Shion: Did she?
KOS-MOS: Yo.
Shion: This just raises further questions.
Jin: Well, however KOS-MOS got back, she brought the three E.S. with her.
Shion: That doesn't make any sense at all.
Jin: And yet it makes just as much sense as the version where just KOS-MOS managed to get back.
Shion: Because sense-making bottoms out at 0! Neither version makes any sense at all!
Jin: So you agree that us still having the E.S. models is plausible, then.
Shion: No! That is exactly the opposite of what I believe! And furthermore-
Jr.: Shion?
Shion: What?
Jr.: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
Shion: No, why would I have?
Jr.: Because they're making headlines.
Shion: ................................
[SHION falls over dead.]
Jr.: Give me like five minutes before Reverting her. Please. I ask for so little.
KOS-MOS: I'll give you ten if you let me use that joke later.
Jr.: Go nuts. Shelley! How's the Elsa and the assault craft?
Shelley: Damaged, but they can be repaired.
Jr.: Make it so. We're gonna... you know, do that thing we always do. Pilot a craft into the center of the Bad Thing, get out, and beat up anyone who looks at us funny until the Bad Thing explodes. Let me know when everything's repaired. You're in charge until then.
Shelley: Understood.
[JUNIOR exits.]
chaos: ...so he's going to head off alone, isn't he?
Shelley: Oh yeah.
KOS-MOS: Definitely.
chaos: should we, i dunno, try to stop him?
Shelley: Meh.
[JUNIOR is sitting around being all depressed in the PARK AREA. SHION, having been reverted, shows up to annoy him.]
Shion: Hello.
Jr.: go back to bed, shion
Shion: I want in.
Jr.: No, I've got to do this myself.
Shion: No you don't.
Jr.: yes i do. I totally do.
Shion: No you don't! You've had your chance. If we let you go alone, you're going to try the stupid red energy bursts and end up dead.
Jr.: Very possible.
Shion: I demand to come along.
Jr.: Too bad. I'm the commander here and I say I'm the only one going.
Shion: But uh... Will you even be able to fight him? I mean he's your brother, after all.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: I've fought him like three or four times already, you realize.
[beat]
Shion: I wanna come!
Jr.: Too bad. This is my story, you're not a part of it, it'll go the way I want it to, etc etc.
[At this point, SHION goes wildly off-script.]
Shion: What about ME? What about MY story? What about my angst?
Jr.: Your angst is boring, we've already covered it thoroughly, and nobody even cared the first time.
Shion: But I'm the main character! And oh my god I have so much angst.
Jr.: You are literally the main character in name only. And even then-
Shion: OH MY GOD SO MUCH ANGST I NEED TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS ANGST
Jr.: Enough! God! Nobody CARES, Shion! In fact, let's ask - does ANYONE here care about any Shion-related plot?
The party: No.
The villains: No.
The NPCs: No.
The extras: No.
The random encounters: No.
The bosses: No.
The cameos: No.
The writer: No.
The player: No.
The editor: No.
The reader(s): No.
The director: No.
The casting agent: No.
The stage hands: No.
The cameramen: No.
The Producers: No. And besides, we need you out of here within an hour so we can set up for Springtime for Hitler.
Shion: Can I have a role?
The Producers: ...Yes.
[long beat.]
Shion: I still wanna come.
Jr.: someonewhoisn'tcomingsayswhat?
Shion: What?
Shion: ...
Shion: Oh you magnificent bastard.
Jr.: I'm glad we could reach an understanding.
[JUNIOR hastily exits, hoping to get out while he's ahead. Meanwhile, in the ZIGGY MAINTENANCE ROOM...]
Juli: If only someone in your party had a handheld device capable of vaporizing walls. Or was a fake impossible swordsman. Or could blow up steel barriers by shooting them with horribly outdated pistols somehow. Or could shoot energy blasts. If anyone like that was in your party, you wouldn't have had to grievously injure yourself and rely on me to find replacement parts. Do you have any idea how many antique shops I had to call? But oh well, I guess it can't be helped, nobody like that was in your party. Right?
Ziggy: Thank you, Dr. Mizrahi.
Juli: I'm just saying.
Ziggy: Thank you.
Juli: I'm just sayin'! Fake impossible swordsman, RIGHT THERE, probably could have done the job faster too!
Ziggy: I needed to be plot relevant. Just once.
Juli: How's that working out for you?
Ziggy: Well, it got me into a 5 minute conversation with you, so I'm going to say "poorly".
Juli: Serves you right. Be dumbass, experience dumbass consequences. It's a lesson. It's the moral of this game's story, if you think about it. Right, MOMO?
MOMO: I dunno. If that was true, Shion would be dead by now.
Juli: ...Thank you, MOMO.
MOMO: You're welcome!
Ziggy: sigh
Juli: Speaking of be dumbass, I heard that you're still not willing to extend your lifespan even though the plot really wants you to. Keep in mind that this is going to happen, and it can either be in a licensed doctor's office or after you get captured by the villains and brainwashed or some such. Your choice.
Ziggy: Can I at least think about it for a while?
Juli: It won't make any difference, but sure. Just one last thing.
Ziggy: What's that?
Juli: MOMO.
Ziggy: I don't follow.
Juli: MOMO.
Ziggy: I don't-
Juli: MOMO.
Ziggy: you're not going to guilt me into agreeing to extend my life.
Juli: Oh I think I am.
MOMO: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Juli: Well, one of us is.
Ziggy: you people.
Ziggy: seriously.
Ziggy: get a hobby.
[JUNIOR enters.]
Jr.: lol whoops eavesdropping again.
Ziggy: It's fine, I gave up on caring a long time ago. MOMO, I
Editor
had to split part 12 into two parts (this actually happened)
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode II, click to show][A bit later, JUNIOR is sitting around crying.]
Sakura: What's wrong, Rubedo?
Jr.: My brother just died.
Sakura: Is that why you're crying?
Jr.: YES. Jesus Christ do I not need this right now. Leave me alone.
Sakura: Were you really that weak, Rubedo? That's not the Rubedo I know.
Jr.: The Rubedo you know doesn't cry over the death of someone he loves? Wow, thanks for that, Sakura. While we're on this topic, the Sakura I know wasn't quite as much of an insensitive bitch.
Sakura: Get up! There are people waiting for you. Don't let them down now! Remember the promise you made me!
[SAKURA turns into MOMO.]
MOMO: Remember the promise you refused to make with me!
[MOMO turns back into SAKURA.]
Jr.: By golly, you're right, Sakura! I promised to protect your sister! I never promised MOMO I'd come back, but I did make a promise to you, and as we all know, I can't leave MOMO alone for like two minutes without her being put in serious physical danger, so I'd better hurry back right away!
Sakura: That's the Rubedo I know! That's the Rubedo that I... that I love!
Jr.: I love you too, Sakura! And if you die again somehow, I'll keep your advice in mind and only be sad about it for, like, 20 seconds, tops.
Sakura: ...That's not quite what-
Jr.: NO TIME FOR DIALOGUE NOW SAKURA I NEED TO GO ATTEND TO YOUR MORE ATTRACTIVE SISTER
[JUNIOR approaches SAKURA, but instead ends up being hugged by chaos.]
chaos: you did well, jr. come on, let's go back to the others.
Jr.: can you turn back into sakura
chaos: no
Jr.: ...and nothing of value was lost
[JUNIOR hugs chaos tighter.]
chaos: ...not sure i like where this is leading
[NEPHILIM appears at the scene.]
Nephilim: Finally. He'll be able to find peace.
chaos: yes, but... the series isn't over yet.
Nephilim: No. This is just the beginning. Well, not really the beginning. If I had to guess I'd say this is like 2/3rds of the way in, give or take. Anyway. A small stone may only make a small ripple at first, but someday it will be a wave. Even if we have to rust away here!
chaos: yes. and that's why i want him to rest. even if that rest is... wait, did you just quote final fantasy tactics?
Nephilim: DON'T BLAME ME, BLAME YOURSELF OR THIS STUPID FANFIC
chaos: i choose the latter
[The SPACE TIME ANOMALY disappears, revealing the ORIGINAL ZOHAR. JUNIOR and chaos return to the DURANDAL's bridge.]
Jr.: Sorry to worry you all.
Shion: Then why did you do it in the first place when all of us were volunteering our help?
Jr.: Actually, I'm not sorry at all, I was lying.
MOMO: I'm so glad you're okay!
Jr.: Yeah. I promised, after all.
MOMO: What? No you didn't. Like, even within the context of the actual game, you never promised to return.
Jr.: Yeah, that sounds like me.
MOMO: Jerk.
Jr.: Really, it was chaos who saved me.
chaos: who's not plot relevant now, folks?
[chaos flips everyone off and then takes the elevator down.]
Shion: So did you make up with him?
Jr.: Nope. I accidentally killed him and he said he hated me before he died.
Shion: Oh.
Shion: So it was just a big family squabble, then?
The player: FAMILY SQUABBLES DO NOT END WITH THIS MANY PEOPLE DEAD OR SERIOUSLY HURT
Shion, Jin, MOMO, and Jr.: Ours do.
[They start working to collect the ZOHAR.]
100-Series Realian: We have a Zohar confirmed at point 3-E. Referencing the coordinates with the simulator. There's a 93% probability it's the original that was on Miltia.
Jr.: What? Only 93%?
100-Series Realian: I'm rounding down from 100%.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: you are not a very good realian
[They try to collect the ZOHAR, but because this game's plot has "JUST ONE MORE SCENE" syndrome, A MASSIVE GNOSIS gates out at that exact moment, consuming the ZOHAR. It is big. Really, really big. No, bigger than that. Even bigger. Keep going. No, more. Look, we're talking CATHEDRAL SHIPs for jewelry - it is big!]
Wilhelm: It's coming... Abel's Ark...
[chaos is standing on top of the DURANDAL. In open space, so congratulations chaos on your ability to breathe in space. Even beyond that, you'd think that if the DURANDAL was moving at all, he wouldn't be able to just stand there like that, right? I mean, astronauts are tethered to their ships for a reason. chaos watches ABEL'S ARK om nom nom the ZOHAR and then vanish.]
Wilhelm: It's been a long time... Yeshua. I'm pleased that you've come. But... didn't you say you weren't going to intervene?
chaos: I've made up my mind. I won't hold back anymore. I'm going to break out the Jesus Beams and everything.
Wilhelm: That's wonderful. I'm thrilled... that you'll finally be more plot relevant than Ziggy, or Canaan, or Allen.
chaos: thanks.
Wilhelm: Or Miyuki.
chaos: that's enough. thanks.
Wilhelm: I could go on.
[FINALLY, the credits start to roll. You might think that's the end of the game but NO, there are still like FOUR MORE SCENES. On the DURANDAL's bridge...]
Jr.: Pssst! Mary! Do you think it would be okay if I kept a dog on the bridge?
Mary: Well-
Jr.: ahahahahahahaha why am i asking you, I'm the commander around here, I can do whatever the fuck I want.
[JUNIOR holds up a white dog.]
Jr.: I named him Alby! Who's a good little infinite telomerase? You are! Yes you are!
[In the SECOND MILTIA SPACE PORT, MOMO and ZIGGY exit a boarding gate and see JULI MIZRAHI. MOMO runs over to her.]
Juli: Welcome back, MOMO.
MOMO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Juli: MOMO please stop that you're making a scene
MOMO: Sorry.
[ZIGGY approaches.]
Juli: I'm going to be living with MOMO for a while. I may need to call on you to protect her again. Trouble follows her around like a lost puppy, in case you haven't noticed.
Ziggy: I have.
Juli: What are your plans?
Ziggy: The Kukai Foundation hired me because I'm marginally more competent than unnamed NPCs, but don't talk as much. At least, that's the phrasing he used.
MOMO: Who?
Ziggy: Jr.
MOMO: He is such a jerk.
Ziggy: Yes.
MOMO: Well, I don't think of you as an unnamed NPC, Ziggy.
Ziggy: Thank you, MOMO.
MOMO: ...Though to be fair, you didn't have a name when we met.
Ziggy: YES I DID
[Over to where the ELSA is docked.]
Jin: I'm leaving to investigate the Ormus organization.
Shion: In other words you're changing jobs again.
[beat]
Jin: Yes, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
Shion: Well, this is a step up from the bookstore, at least...
Voice of Matthews: HURRY UP
Jin: ...I'd better go.
Shion: Jin!
Jin: Hm?
Shion: Don't get killed, okay?
Jin: I'll do my best.
[JIN boards the ELSA. The ELSA takes off with chaos on board as well.]
Miyuki: Shion! Welcome back, Shion! It sounds like a lot happened!
Shion: Who are you, again?
Allen: OH MAN SO MUCH CRAZINESS HAS HAPPENED I NEED TO TAKE A VACATION
Miyuki: It'll have to wait! I had to pull some strings to get Mr. Wilhelm not to fire you both.
Shion: What kind of strings?
Miyuki: Allen has to do all the paperwork for the entire company, and I'm your new boss.
Shion: ...
Shion: No.
[SHION punches reality, conveniently making WILHELM overlook the fact that she stole secret VECTOR property and caused untold millions of dollars in damages.]
Shion: Now then. Let's go, KOS-MOS.
KOS-MOS: ...why am i suddenly naked.
[There may have also been other effects.]
[When the credits finish, there is FINALLY, FINALLY the last scene of the game. It involves WILHELM talking to TESTAMENT and the other two guys. THE WRITER couldn't really follow this scene at all because of the angles, masks, and lack of screen time for the characters involved making it difficult to identify them by voice. So WILHELM will be summarizing the important parts.]
Wilhelm: The Y-Data is incomplete. The answer lies in the Unus Mundus. When the path to Lost Jerusalem is opened, KOS-MOS will awaken.
[...Oh, and there's also the part at the end where a WHITE CLOAKED MAN shows up.]
Wilhelm: Welcome...
Wilhelm: ...weaver of the eternal circle of Zarathustra.
TO BE CONTINUED
[...However, in the BETA VERSION of the game, there was ANOTHER SCENE at the end, after that message. We now bring you that scene, completely unedited.]
Shion: Can't fucking believe I'm in this for another game.
chaos: i just hope that guy in the white mask isn't me. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode III, click to show][KRYPTON, moments before planetary annihilation... Seems the planet is under GNOSIS attack, but then, the DC UNIVERSE isn't new to retcons of this magnitude.]
[Young KAL-EL is sealed into a shuttle and launched off-planet.]
[We then join TESTAMENT, which seems to be the name of the entire group. They're gathered around a tomb.]
Blue Testament: So, this is our princess? I'm in love already.
Red Testament: ...
Red Testament: That didn't read as "creepy" to me so much as "Brock from Pokemon".
[Meanwhile, in SECOND MILTIA, SHION and MIYUKI are piloting an AMWS and are engaged in an aerial dogfight.
Shion: I didn't expect them to deploy macrophages!
Miyuki: Because you just made that word that up.
Shion: No I didn't.
Miyuki: Okay fine but you're using it wildly incorrectly.
Shion: At least I know how to pilot this thing, you just press buttons at random.
Miyuki: Works for Soul Calibur.
Shion: RING OUTS ARE NOT FAIR AND YOU GODDAMN KNOW IT
[They're saved by a second AMWS, piloted by CANAAN and a woman named DOCTUS.]
Shion: Doctus!
Doctus: Hi there, I'm yet another new character even though this series can't provide ample screen time to the characters it already has.
[Both AMWS land and the pilots get out.]
Miyuki: Nice flying, Canaan!
Shion: We don't have time for that kind of thing, Miyuki.
Miyuki: What, being pleasant?
Canaan: Exactly. This is Xenosaga, young lady.
Doctus: You can get yourself killed if you want, but there will be hell to pay if anyone in this series treats anyone else with respect.
Miyuki: All right, all right, god. Why's everyone picking on me?
The player: That is a VERY good question and I suspect we won't be getting an answer.
[They prepare to proceed.]
Shion: Is this the place?
Miyuki: Yeppers! This is Vector's S-Line Division.
Shion: Then the top secret data we need is just up ahead.
Doctus: I'll stay behind and provide cover.
Miyuki: You're not coming with us?
Shion: You shouldn't depend on others for help, Miyuki. Now stay out of my way and let me handle this.
Miyuki: Before we go, you should check the Database for info they were too lazy to actually put in the game.
[SHION does so.]
Shion: So Doctus is Mokoto Kusanagi. They're literally the same character. Wow.
Shion: I also see here that I'm not with Vector anymore. I guess punching reality to get my job back wasn't the best idea...
Miyuki: It gets better. Read the summary of what happened after Episode II but before this game.
Shion: Blah blah blah, Gnosis terrorism... GrimGrimoire... Jin's group... blocked by Doctus... Nephilim captured... Juli Mizrahi attacked by Gnosis... Stormed the lab with KOS-MOS... My dad is involved with Vector who are evil now? What the FUCK. This is a WHOLE OTHER GAME.
Miyuki: Yeeep.
Shion: THIS IS MORE PLOT THAN WHAT HAPPENED IN XENOSAGA II.
Miyuki: yes.
Shion: WHAT THE FUCK, BAMCO?
Miyuki: ...bamco?
Shion: nothing, shut up, let's just move on
Canaan: Good.
Shion: as soon as i do the most important thing of all
[SHION changes into her VECTOR uniform.]
Shion: That plugsuit was ugly as sin.
[They move on.]
Shion: skipping the tutorial kthx
Miyuki: But there's NEW stuff here!
Shion: like what
Miyuki: Like this ANALYZE BALL!
Shion: So it's a Magic Lens from the Tales series.
Miyuki: Well, it lets you analyze an enemy in battle-
Shion: So it's a Magic Lens from the Tales series. MOVIN' ON.
[They come across a SECURITY SYSTEM.]
Canaan: So who at Vector actually thought systems like this were a good idea?
Shion: We outsourced our security to Fisher-Price.
Canaan: ...That doesn't answer anything. In fact it raises more questions than before.
Shion: Well, this is Xenosaga.
[They move on through a bunch of very cool LOOKING rooms, but ones which have no puzzles whatsoever and thus are extremely boring. However, there IS combat...]
Shion: So this is just like the first two games, right?
Canaan: Further back than that.
Shion: I don't follow. You mean Xenogears?
Canaan: Further back than that. Outside this series.
Shion: ...Chrono Trigger?
Canaan: Further.
Shion: Final Fantasy 1?
Canaan: About on that level, yes.
Shion: ...So the battle system in Xenosaga 2 was so boring that they decided to overhaul it and turn it into an EVEN MORE BORING battle system?
Canaan: Well, for right now, at least. I dunno, maybe it gets better later.
Shion: i am not filled with confidence by that statement.
[They face remarkably little resistance and quickly find themselves in the MAIN SERVER ROOM.]
Shion: The current objective is to acquire the top secret data. Let's access it through that terminal.
Miyuki: ...You keep saying "top secret data" and then saying things that imply it's anything but.
Shion: Yep.
Miyuki: Oh, so you're cognizant of that, then.
Shion: Yep.
Miyuki: i see.
[They access the terminal.]
Shion: Vector never created the UMN. It was there all along.
Miyuki: What does that imply?
Shion: i dunno
Miyuki: .......please tell me that wasn't the whole reason for this crazy ass mission
Shion: yep.
Miyuki: ................
Miyuki: you'd think I'd be used to this kind of thing from you by now.
Shion: Yeah, probably. Gotta get with the program, Miyuki!
Miyuki: By the way, I'm picking up some particle disturbance. Started 300 seconds ago.
Shion: ...So why are you just telling us NOW, Miyuki? Actually, never mind, I guess "Miyuki" covers that one. So what is it?
Miyuki: Can't tell.
Shion: Is it a Cathedral Ship? A vengeful god? A squadron of E.S.? Zombie Albedo? Wilhelm? An evil version of KOS-MOS? Out with it!
Miyuki: I DON'T KNOW!
[A dragon appears!]
BOSS FIGHT:
SIGRDRIFA
Shion: ...Oh, it's just a dragon. Man, and I was worried for a second there.
[SHION beats it to death with her bare hands.]
Shion: Next.
[A bunch of GNOSIS show up.]
Shion: ...I'm still thinking we can take 'em.
[DOCTUS arrives in her E.S.]
Doctus: No, we're outta here! Realian, you're with me. Shion, Miyuki, don't get left behind!
Canaan: My name
Canaan: IS CANAAN
[SHION calls out her E.S. and suits up while MIYUKI tries to but fails hilariously. Oh, MIYUKI... you silly goose. They try to escape, but the BOY FROM THE END OF XENOSAGA 1 appears in SHION's vision.]
Boy: Don't shoot.
Shion: ...
Shion: Again, there's that "two questions for every answer" thing.
Shion: Miyuki, cut it NOW!
[Everything fades to static. SHION hops out of her E.S.; she's on the beach, in a two-piece swimsuit. THE PLAYER doesn't know what the fuck but would ragequit if this turned out to be a KOBAYASHI MARU deal. In any case, MIYUKI contacts SHION on the videophone.]
Miyuki: Shion, are you-grkt
Shion: ...Something wrong, Miyuki?
Miyuki: Sudden nosebleed. Just ignore it. so hot.
Shion: Please tell me we got the data that time despite your screw ups.
Miyuki: Just barely.
Shion: Thank god.
[DOCTUS and CANAAN contact the other two.]
Doctus: Not bad, former Chief of Vector's First Division.
Shion: Well, that is what my friends call me.
Doctus: I'll analyze this data and get back to you.
Shion: kthx
[DOCTUS and CANAAN hang up their videophones.]
Miyuki: Shion, you're not mad, are you?
Shion: I don't make a habit of fussing over details.
[beat]
Miyuki: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shion: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Miyuki: Haha... ha... haaa... really had me going there for a sec...
Shion: Seriously though if you screw up again I'm replacing you with one of those water-drinking-bird desk toys.
Miyuki: Are you okay with doing this? It is a crime, you know.
Shion: We need to know what Vector is doing with the UMN they constructed.
Miyuki: ...
Miyuki: What.
Miyuki: Say that again.
Shion: We need to know what Vector is doing with the UMN that already existed.
Miyuki: You don't even have the slightest idea what's going on, do you?!
Shion: Not as such, no.
Miyuki: Ugh. Just... answer me this. Are you doing this because your dad is involved?
Shion: Not sure.
Miyuki: Not sure? You're not sure why you're doing this.
Shion: Correct.
Miyuki: goddammit, shion.
Shion: I just know that KOS-MOS might have been constructed for reasons less savory than initially proposed, and I want to protect her.
Miyuki: I thought you were over her, Shion.
The player: Okay, I've removed my yuri goggles and there's still no way to interpret this conversation other than "Shion and Miyuki are having sex regularly".
Shion: Be careful, Miyuki. You're in more danger than the rest of us since you're still working at Vector.
Miyuki: Oh, you. Quit trying to scare me, Shion!
Shion: no seriously i'm like 90% sure that was foreshadowing.
Miyuki: not gonna scare me shion
[MIYUKI hangs up.]
Shion: ...
Shion: Welp, she's dead.
[SHION takes a step forward and is suddenly hit by a wave of red pain.]
Shion: AUGH
Shion: that has been happening to me a lot lately
Shion: probably just stress
Shion: stress does that, right? yeah, sure it does. I am a scientist, after all. I know these things. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
ladies and gentlemen, welcome to xenosaga 3
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
[Spoiler for Xenosaga III, click to show]
[We then join TESTAMENT, which seems to be the name of the entire group.
They don't really have a name collectively. Individually they're just called [Color] Testament, or by their name if it is known. Like Virgil being the Blue Testament.
Miyuki: All right, all right, god. Why's everyone picking on me?
The player: That is a VERY good question and I suspect we won't be getting an answer.
It's Shion. Really though, Shion has been a jerk to Miyuki ever since Xenosaga I. Which is a shame, because Miyuki is a much better character than Shion. And I don't even mean this in my general "lol Shion" sense.
Shion: Blah blah blah, Gnosis terrorism... GrimGrimoire... Jin's group... blocked by Doctus... Nephilim captured... Juli Mizrahi attacked by Gnosis... Stormed the lab with KOS-MOS... My dad is involved with Vector who are evil now? What the FUCK. This is a WHOLE OTHER GAME.
I know.
In fact, you know the best part? IIRC, there is either some kind of like cell phone game or novel - only released in Japan, of course - that details all of this. It's name? IIRC, Xenosaga: The Missing Year. They don't even try to hide it!
Also in the only in Japan realm, Ziggy's entire backstory. And Voyager's. You'll get parts of it throughout Xenosaga III, but it's really kind of hilarious.
Shion: THIS IS MORE PLOT THAN WHAT HAPPENED IN XENOSAGA II.
...Maybe only in the sense that it looks like more stuff happened. The plot in Xenosaga II was more important overall though.
Shion: Final Fantasy 1?
Canaan: About on that level, yes.
Shion: ...So the battle system in Xenosaga 2 was so boring that they decided to overhaul it and turn it into an EVEN MORE BORING battle system?
...
*Final Fantasy X
Maybe a bit below that. Unless you are calling FFX's system FF1 level, then this is trolling and hyperbole. And since FFX is like a Top 5 battle system, this is not a bad thing. Especially compared to the first two games. [/spoiler]
---
xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
That doesn't explain why everyone else is being a jerk to her, though. <_<
In fact, you know the best part? IIRC, there is either some kind of like cell phone game or novel - only released in Japan, of course - that details all of this. It's name? IIRC, Xenosaga: The Missing Year. They don't even try to hide it!
wonderful.
well that's fine, xenosaga, i didn't even want to know your story anyway. it's not like i'm playing y-you because i l-like you or anything, i was just b-bored and needed something to do. [/spoiler]
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode III, click to show][SHION explores PEDEA ISLAND.]
Riku: Wanna race? Winner gets to name the raft.
Shion: hate you so much
[SHION ends up back at her cabana and receives an e-mail. It's from ALLEN.]
Allen: The KOS-MOS Project has been transferred to the military, who will be creating a new model. I got transferred along with it and am on Fifth Jerusalem now. You should maybe come and visit? Please?
[SHION flashes back to resigning from VECTOR.]
Allen: You have no reason to blame yourself for the events of Xenosaga Episode 2.5. It was all Grimoire.
Shion: Was it? I'm still kind of unclear on what even happened.
[She flashes back to even earlier than that.]
Shion: A female form?
Kevin: Yes. Since ancient times women always healed people's hearts and granted them hope.
The player: FAST FORWARDING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
Kevin: If the Gnosis represents a truth we haven't known before, then I want to know what that is.
Shion: ...
Shion: Can you teach me how to talk a lot without saying anything?
Kevin: I think that may actually be the shortcut to saving this universe.
Shion: What, saying things that mean nothing?
[End flashback.]
Shion: So the project's canceled. KOS-MOS won't be satisfied like this. ...No, I'm the one who really won't be satisfied. I need to go see KOS-MOS, so that we can satisfy each other.
Shion: ...
Shion: Yes, that means exactly what it sounds like.
[Cut to WILHELM.]
Red Testament: Some data from the S-Line Division was leaked.
Wilhelm: It's her handiwork. Seems she's been quite busy... after stealing my awesome ship. Not that I am BITTER or anything. It's actually quite endearing. I am being SO SINCERE right now.
Red Testament: Extremely sincere.
Wilhelm: Never mind. How did things go at Rennes-le-Chateau?
Red Testament: Very cryptically.
Wilhelm: Excellent.
[The two discuss their evil plans.]
END OF PROLOGUE
[...We now join JULI MIZRAHI.]
Juli: This is awful.
Helmer: Yes. This battle resulted in the destruction of the 87th Division fleet.
Juli: No, I mean, the fact that you're still alive even though the Patriarch implied he had killed you in Xenosaga 2.
Helmer: ...That's awful?
Juli: Did I say awful? I meant AWESOME.
Both: HIGH FIVE! *clap*
Helmer: ...did you high five the screen also
Juli: yes i did.
Helmer: Anyway, bad things are goin' down. And I hear the Tactical Warship Merkabah has nearly been completed?
Juli: Technically I think it existed already. Dmitrii's just using the Y-Data which he somehow acquired when Albedo acquired it as well.
Helmer: You made all of that up.
Juli: No, I swear, this is what's actually happening.
Helmer: Well, in that case, keep an eye on Dmitrii.
Juli: Who?
Helmer: ...
Juli: I mean sure.
[HELMER hangs up. CANAAN enters.]
Canaan: Check this out, yo. It's the Rennes-le-Chateau, a piece of landmass. From Lost Jerusalem. We know about it because of the data we got unofficially from Vector.
Juli: You mean the data you stole.
Canaan: That's right. Should we assemble an expedition team? I'm thinkin'... chaos, Jr., Ziggy, MOMO, and Jin. Maaaybe KOS-MOS.
Juli: Already taken care of.
Canaan: ...How?
Juli: Oh, because I'm a telepath.
Canaan: ...
Juli: I already have.
Canaan: Prove it.
Canaan: ...
Juli: Yes you do.
Canaan: I don't believe you.
Canaan: GODDAMMIT.
[Cut to the DURANDAL.]
Gaignun: Jr., we can't ignore this request from Juli Mizrahi, so... you know... chop chop.
Jr.: More importantly, why are you talking to me directly and yet not warning me about the whole you-got-bodyjacked thing?
Gaignun: Uh... because I have to go now bye.
[GAIGNUN hangs up.]
Mary [still in a terrible accent]: Little Master, will you be okay with just the Elsa? Shouldn't we come as well?
Jr.: No... no no no no no no. No. No. There could be a terrible accent I MEAN ACCIDENT. Just... just stay there. And keep trying to contact Soldier.
[Cut to MICHTAM, where MARGULIS is chillin'.]
Pellegri: I've put Richard and Hermann in charge of the fleet heading to Rennes-le-Chateau.
Margulis: ...They're alive?
Pellegri: I know, I was surprised too!
Margulis: Well, they're never done anything else right, but this time they've got E.S. craft.
Pellegri: They've also been working on their stamina.
Margulis: You get one. Everybody gets one. Then I cut you down where you stand.
Pellegri: ...Understood.
Margulis: While we're here, should we infodump about our villainous plans and the history of Michtam and Rennes-le-Chateau?
Pellegri: Nah.
Margulis: I concur.
Ormus soldier: Margulis, sir, a PC-class starship has been spotted approaching Rennes-le-Chateau!
Margulis: Helmer's dogs! Also, possibly Jr.'s dog, Alby. Prepare the Prodigium! We're going to Rennes-le-Chateau.
[Cut to the ELSA. JUNIOR and chaos are piloting the E.S. ASHER despite the fact that it's CANAAN's craft, ZIGGY and MOMO are in the E.S. ZEBULUN, and JIN is piloting the E.S. REUBEN. They approach RENNES-LE-CHATEAU.]
chaos: this isn't an asteroid. it looks like it was just cut out of a planet and transported to this location.
Jr.: It looks like fantasy JRPG bullshit to me.
chaos: tomato, tomahto...
[Suddenly, attacking!]
Jr.: It's Ormus. Are you surprised? Because I'm not surprised.
Ziggy: I'm surprised they still think they can stop us.
[The party quickly wins, but is attacked by a single, black E.S. It easily bests the ASHER and the ZEBULUN, but the REUBEN swordfights it to a draw.]
Jin: A black E.S.... Its agility...
Margulis: Black is the new red... UZUKIIIIIIIIII!
BOSS FIGHT:
E.S. LEVI
Margulis: Oh god. Turn-based combat.
Jr.: Welcome to the town of speed-is-irrelevant-now. Population: you.
[They easily kick the LEVI's ass.]
Jin: My name is Jin. Jin Uzuki. The sword that smites evil!
Jin: There's nothing my Colossal Blade cannot cut!
[JIN triggers an ANIMA AWAKENING and all-but cuts the E.S. LEVI in half.]
Jin: Well, Margulis? Looks like I win again.
Margulis: Wrong. This cutscene will save me where gameplay could not!
Jr.: He's too powerful!
Jin: no he's not stop that.
MOMO: Um, guys? Not to interrupt but plot is happening around the landmass.
Jin: Good plot or bad plot?
MOMO: Bad. Get away from there!
[JIN tries to escape but MARGULIS grabs him.]
Jr.: MATTHEWS! Save him in the most inefficient way possible!
Matthews: But-
Jr.: DO IT MATTHEWS
[The ELSA rams the E.S. LEVI.]
Margulis: Okay seriously this isn't fun anymore.
[MARGULIS throws his sword at the ELSA, which somehow cripples it(???).]
Matthews: We've been out-inefficiented! What a load of crap.
Margulis: Bleach character.
Matthews: ...dammit. I can't argue with that.
[The ELSA falls backwards into the energy plot hole.]
Margulis: No! They're intruding upon the Holy Land! How dare they!
Jin: What? You're the one who did it!
Margulis: Shut up no I didn't!
Jin: Yes, you did! You're the one who was trying to keep us from escaping!
Margulis: ...
Margulis: ......
Margulis: They're intruding upon the Holy Land! How dare they!
Jin: sigh
Voice: Margulis, stop that and return. We already went ahead and did everything without you.
Margulis: But
Margulis: But
Margulis: but i'm the main villain now =(
Voice: yeah sure you are.
[JUNIOR tries to stop MARGULIS from escaping for some reason(???) but is stopped by ORMUS' big fuck-off battleship which just appeared(???).]
Margulis: Uzuki. We'll settle this on a later date. For now, you need to save your friends.
Jin: Uh... kaaay...
[Cut to the DURANDAL.]
Jr.: Please tell me you tracked the Elsa's location.
Mary: Did it get shot down?
Shelley: No, we didn't detect any explosions.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: You know what, on second thought, you guys are completely worthless. We'll handle this, at least we know a crazy-ass energy swell wormhole when we see one.
END OF CHAPTER 1 [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
Shion: Okay, let me see if I've got this straight.
Shion: The important part here is that Grimoire is a guy who exists within the UMN as a non-corporeal entity, and is searching for Nephilim.
Shion: But he's also being controlled by a branch of Vector that has been wiped from the records.
Shion: Vector is linked to Ormus and U-TIC. I mean, this was obvious, but to be fair I wasn't really surprised to find out, so...
Shion: Anyway, there was also that name I found. "Suou Uzuki".
Shion: That's why I quit. To atone for all the people who died. Or maybe to get back at my late father.
Shion: ...Nah, I'm not really feeling either of those motivations.
Shion: Oh well.
Shion: Not having a motivation to be involved with the plot has never stopped me before.
Shion: I'll just play this thing by ear.
[SHION's ship lands at a space station.]
Xenosaga
Episode III
Also sprach Zarathustra (Thus Spoke Zarathustra)
[Cut to GAIGNUN, who is in THE RED ZONE.]
Gaignun: No! NOOO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES!
Yuriev: ...Charles?
Citrine: Something wrong, sir?
Yuriev: Issues with family bonding, I'm afraid.
Citrine: Yes, well... Sellers wants to see you.
Yuriev: Fine, let's go.
[They go to see SELLERS.]
Sellers: Our new weapon is almost ready. However, there are a few issues.
Yuriev: Out with it already.
Sellers: Well, we don't have the correct pilot.
Sellers: And we're using a jury-rigged energy source.
Sellers: And nobody competent is on the project anymore because you were paranoid about Vector.
Sellers: But we could be falling into a Vector trap regardless.
Yuriev: ...
Sellers: There's also a small "it's completely uncontrollable" issue.
Yuriev: Sounds like it's ready for a demonstration.
Sellers: I concur.
[Cut to VECTOR.]
Togashi: Where's Allen? We need to get KOS-MOS ready for the upcoming weapon demonstration.
Vector employee: They picked KOS-MOS as an opponent? Really?
Togashi: They want to beat a Vector creation so they'll look better than us.
Vector employee: ...That doesn't explain why they picked KOS-MOS.
Togashi: No, you're right, I'm not saying it was a smart idea.
Togashi: Frankly, there are only two ways this is gonna go down.
Togashi: Either their thing goes berserk and KOS-MOS stops it.
Togashi: Or KOS-MOS goes berserk and their thing is unable to stop her.
[Back to SHION, who is wandering around FIFTH JERUSALEM looking for the HOTEL that ALLEN reserved a room at.]
Shion: Aha! The Mobius Hotel.
Bystander: It is nice, but it's hard for couples to sleep here because all the beds only have one side.
Shion: ...
Shion: that was terrible.
[SHION enters and immediately sees ALLEN.]
Allen: Hey Chief, it's good to see yo-
Shion: Not Chief anymore.
Allen: But-
Shion: Seriously.
Shion: Stop.
[The two head up to the room ALLEN reserved for SHION so she can drop off her things, despite not having any luggage with her. When there, they get a call from Miyuki.]
Miyuki: Allllennnnnnn, are you all alone with Shion now? Ooooooh, bet you're happy about that!
Allen: stop that miyuki
Miyuki: Are you going to have some "quality time" with her after this nudge nudge wink wink?
Allen: miyuki-
Miyuki: Because if you do I will gut you like a fish.
Allen: ...
Miyuki: ...
Shion: could both of you please act normal?
Miyuki: never.
Allen: what she said.
Miyuki: Anyway, Allen, I need you to get back to work and send me the weapons data for KOS-MOS' thing tomorrow.
Allen: But I already took the day off.
Miyuki: That's a shame!
Allen: ...
Miyuki: ...
Allen: sigh
Allen: Fine, fine. Sorry about this, Shion.
Shion: I really couldn't care less. I will definitely be attending that demonstration, though. Anytime I get to see KOS-MOS make someone else look like a chump is time well spent.
[ALLEN exits and MIYUKI hangs up. SHION takes a nap, and when she wakes up immediately gets another call. It is chaos.]
chaos: i can't believe i'm about to say this, but: we need your help, shion.
Shion: ...
chaos: ...
Shion: Pfffffffffffffahahahahaha. Put Jr. on. I want to see his reaction to all this.
chaos: can't. he's in the corner pouting.
Shion: Glorious. So what's going on?
chaos: we lost the elsa.
chaos: literally lost.
Shion: ...I leave you guys alone for a year...
chaos: i know, i know.
Shion: Can't even keep track of a spaceship.
chaos: are you going to help us or not?
Shion: Sure.
chaos: well that's a relief. we brought the whole durandal here before making sure.
Shion: Oh. In that case, no.
chaos: ...
chaos: please?
Shion: This is quickly becoming the best day ever for me.
[They meet up at the nearby cafe.]
chaos: so that's the story.
Shion: I can't help you.
chaos: ...
chaos: you're not serious.
Shion: Seriously serious.
chaos: ...you're not going to muscle your way into the plot anyway?
Shion: Nope.
chaos: ...are you feeling all right, shion?
Shion: I've just been a little tired late-
[SHION keels over and ends up in THE RED ZONE.]
???: Shion?
Shion: Is this... U-DO? Seriously? This is where they're going with the plot? U-DO is contacting me?
???: Are you... Shion?
Shion: Yes. Who are you?
[SHION wakes up in the hotel.]
Shion: ...dammit. nothing about this game's plot will ever be cleared up. ever.
[She is called by ALLEN.]
Allen: Chief? Are you okay? I've been calling you over and over.
Shion: I'm fine. Are you at the demonstration?
Allen: No I'm in the hotel lobby.
Shion: ...So why didn't you come and get me, goddamn. Whatever, I'll be there in a minute.
[They head to the demonstration. An android named T-ELOS, who looks exactly like KOS-MOS, is one of the weapons being shown off.]
Shion: Evil KOS-MOS. Fuckin' called it.
Allen: Nah, this one is fine. It's the other one that has me worried.
Shion: "This one is fine"? This is literally the Justice Lords version of KOS-MOS. Haven't you ever seen the Justice League cartoon?
[T-ELOS easily defeats a group of GNOSIS that were shipped in just for the demonstration.]
Shion: Such power! That's almost a third as impressive as what KOS-MOS did.
Shion: Two games and multiple upgrades ago.
Shion: Next.
[The next weapon to be brought out looks exactly like the PROTO OMEGA.]
Shion: Spoilers - it's going to be really unimpressive and then stop working halfway through.
[KOS-MOS is brought out. KOS-MOS lands a few hits for marginal damage and dodges most of the OMEGA's attacks. It does manage to land one on her... for 12% damage, making it less impressive than what the PROTO OMEGA did against the previous version of KOS-MOS, which was already really unimpressive. Suddenly, halfway through the battle, the OMEGA RES NOVAE stops working.]
Allen: ...Really?
Shion: Sorry, did I ruin the fight for you? We so need real life spoiler tags.
[KOS-MOS knocks the OMEGA RES NOVAE over with a kick.]
Shion: So Allen, when are they bringing out the new weapons that are supposed to save humanity from Gnosis?
Allen: Those were the-
Allen: Oh.
[The OMEGA RES NOVAE starts going berserk and attacking the audience.]
Togashi: I am literally shocked with surprise.
[KOS-MOS throws herself in front of an attack by the OMEGA RES NOVAE that would have hit the area where SHION and ALLEN are sitting.]
Shion: That was nice of her, wasn't it?
Allen: Yes but I feel like no one is actually going to acknowledge it.
Shion: Well to be fair, I don't think we were actually in any danger. I've tanked hits from the previous version of the Omega, and we have actual statistics that show it's weaker than this one.
[The OMEGA RES NOVAE is shut down by JULI MIZRAHI and her team. ROTH MANTEL, the mysterious man behind T-ELOS and OMEGA RES NOVAE, pays SHION and ALLEN a visit.]
Roth: Hello. Shame about KOS-MOS' demonstration.
Shion: ...Were you watching the same fight I was?
Roth: I actually wasn't watching at all, I considered the result to be so obvious that it wasn't necessary.
Shion: Well. Your inventions kinda sucked it up out there.
Roth: Do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Shion: I don't know. Do I detect a hint of smug idiot?
Roth: Ha! Joke's on you, it's way more than a hint!
[ROTH MANTEL exits.]
Shion: Well, this was a big letdown and I'm still all psyched up for a bloodbath. Wanna go see Space Vampire vs. WereGnosis VI: This Time, There's a Laser Squid?
Allen: I'll pass.
Shion: Your loss.
[As they're leaving, they run into JULI MIZRAHI.]
Juli: Hello Shion. You look well. I'm sorry about the KOS-MOS demonstration.
Shion: Let me guess. You weren't watching the fight either?
Juli: Why, did something happen?
Shion: god. I thought you were in charge of the Omega Res Novae!
Juli: I was.
Shion: ...
Juli: ...
Shion: one would think that would require you to actually pay attention to what is happening.
Juli: you'd think so, but no.
Shion: i am enlightened.
[A young boy wanders over. He is ABEL and he looks similar to the boy from the end of the first game. He stares at the pen on the table.]
Juli: Oh? Is this what you want, Abel?
[JULI gives him the pen. ABEL wanders off and starts doodling on the floor.]
Juli: My job here is mainly to babysit him.
Shion: Then shouldn't you not be letting him write on the floor?
Juli: Meh.
[SHION looks at the boy's drawing. It is NEPHILIM.]
Shion: what.
[The boy then wanders off.]
Shion: Well, I should really go try to talk to that boy, or maybe question you about it, because this seems extremely important.
Juli: You could do that OR I could tell security to let you into the Vector maintenance room so you can see your old friends.
Shion: ...
Juli: ...
Shion: I choose the former.
Juli: Too bad. Get moving.
[SHION and ALLEN walk through a bunch of rooms until they reach the VECTOR room.]
Everyone: omg it's shion
Shion: hello
Togashi: Shame about the KOS-MOS demonstration, huh?
Shion: ...
Shion: .........
Shion: you can't be serious.
Togashi: Oh, you actually watched the fight?
Shion: yes.
Togashi: Well then, that makes two people total.
Shion: thank god, I was starting to think I was hallucinating.
Togashi: I know the feeling, believe me.
[SHION goes to see KOS-MOS, who is in her little pod thing and being repaired.]
Shion: Sooo... Nice work out there, KOS-MOS. Next time you might want to fire a few rounds into the audience, though, maybe then they'll actually notice that you won.
Shion: ...
Shion: Ah, who am I kidding, this thing was totally rigged from the start. I just wish I still had the authority to yell at everyone until they agreed with me just to get me to shut up. Sorry, KOS-MOS.
[ALLEN approaches.]
Allen: You okay?
Shion: Just feeling like the plot has left me behind.
Allen: ...
Allen: That happened a long time ago, it's just now you've started to notice it.
Shion: ...Oh. Well then. Guess I'll go back to my hotel room and mope, then.
Allen: Hey, wait! Do you want to... maybe... I mean... doyouwannagoouttodinnersometime?
Shion: Sure.
Allen: ...Really?
Shion: Yeah, friends have dinner together all the time. You don't have to act so nervous.
Allen: ...
Allen: actually i was thinking it would be more like a date
Shion: Oh.
Shion: ...
Shion: pfffffahahahahahahaha
Shion: Let's do it. Miyuki will be so mad, it'll be hilarious.
[SHION exits. A bit later, ROTH MANTEL enters.]
Togashi: You here to gloat?
Roth: Maybe. Is that a problem?
Togashi: Considering both your creations sucked up a storm, yes.
Roth: That's the second time today someone has said that. I'm starting to think I should have actually watched the battle, but that would get in the way of my "smug idiot" routine.
Togashi: Look, man, I'm just sayin'.
Togashi: These are anti-Gnosis weapons.
Togashi: Your thing had trouble hitting a small target, shut down in the middle of the battle, and spent half of the fight attacking civilians.
Togashi: It's quite literally the worst anti-Gnosis/pro-humanity weapon I have ever seen, and keep in mind that this is coming from an employee of the company that created a space motorcycle.
Roth: ...
Togashi: Seriously, get the fuck out before I throw you out.
Roth: Fine. But the Subcommittee wasn't watching the fight either. They've voted to have KOS-MOS scrapped.
Togashi: What?!
Roth: Seems they've wisely decided to pour all of our limited resources into T-elos' development.
Togashi: Hold on, Shion gave me a card to read to you in case you brought up something like that.
Roth: ...Really?
Togashi: She said she knew you'd show up to brag. Aha, here it is.
Togashi: "greater than sign greater than sign implying t-elos wouldn't have been obsolete compared to KOS-MOS two games ago"
Roth: What does that even mean?
Togashi: Hold on, she gave me another card to read in case you asked that.
Togashi: ...Okay this one just says "go fuck yourself" like twenty times.
Roth: Lovely.
Roth: Well, look, the decision is final. Your facts are meaningless here.
Roth: Deal with it.
[ROTH MANTEL exits. Cut to SHION, back at the hotel, speaking to DOCTUS over videophone.]
Shion: I recorded the top secret weapon testing today. Can you analyze it for me? Maybe see if there was some kind of Somebody Else's Problem field up or something else that prevented everyone from understanding what actually transpired?
Doctus: Sure. But you've got guts, recording something like this.
Shion: I steal top secret government data now. This is peanuts. Speaking of which, I could really go for a tin of assorted nuts right now...
Doctus: Can't help you there, but I did analyze the data. We found a word.
Shion: Just one? Pretty inefficient data storage, there.
Doctus: No, but this is the only interesting word. "Canaan".
Shion: what.
Doctus: Not that Canaan.
Shion: Oh.
Shion: ...
Shion: Then why is this interesting.
Doctus: Because of the Realian.
Shion: So by your logic, if we knew a guy named Bill, and we stole some mail from a company, and one of the letters contained the word "bill"-
Doctus: It would be very interesting.
Shion: ...
Shion: i see.
Doctus: Really though, this Canaan is some program or system used for observation and investigation.
Shion: You know what does those things?
Shion: Realians.
Doctus: It's not the same Canaan! This one has been in use for hundreds of years.
Shion: You know would could presumably live that long?
Shion: Realians.
Doctus: IT'S NOT THE SAME CANAAN!
[The call ends. NEPHILIM appears.]
Nephilim: Trying to protect someone does not always lead to happiness.
Shion: In bed.
Nephilim: Shion, why you gotta ruin my day? I'm trying to be your plot fairy here.
Shion: Sorry, I thought you were reading a fortune cookie. You know because all your advice is cryptic, indecipherable, and inapplicable to real life.
Nephilim: ...
Nephilim: Fine then, now you're getting the EXTRA LONG version of my backstory.
Shion: Oh god, what have I done?
[Time passes.]
Nephilim: ...And that's the 53rd reason Grimoire was misguided.
Shion: nrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh
Nephilim: Now then, let us discuss the nature of the universe...
[Time passes.]
Shion: i'm so sorry nephilim i will never be mean to you again please just give me the short version i am so sorry i am so sorry nephilim i am begging you...
Nephilim: ...Fine, I guess you've learned your lesson. A sad individual is trying to destroy the universe because he thinks it'll make somebody he cares about happy.
Shion: does he realize that the universe includes that person?
Nephilim: Do people who want to destroy the universe ever realize any of the huge, glaring flaws in their plans?
Shion: I suppose not.
Nephilim: Well, there you go.
Shion: So what do I do?
Nephilim: Only KOS-MOS knows that. And only you can open KOS-MOS' heart.
Shion: In bed.
Nephilim: .......
Nephilim: Next time I show up, I will be bringing a copy of Twilight and will be reading it in its entirety.
Shion: THAT'S NOT FAIR
Nephilim: Twilight and New Moon.
Shion: But that-
Nephilim: And Eclipse. Go ahead. Speak up again. Make my day.
Shion: ...
Nephilim: ...
Shion: ...
Nephilim: ...
Shion: In bed.
Nephilim: AND BREAKING DAWN.
Shion: Oh fuck me, why did I say it.
Nephilim: BYE SHION LOOKIN' FORWARD TO OUR NEXT MEETING.
[Cut to
Nephilim: I knew I wouldn't be able to tell her. The truth is too hard for Shion right now.
chaos: truths can be hard. it's a fact. she's a jrpg protagonist though, she can probably handle it.
Nephilim: Are you sure?
chaos: she can definitely probably handle it.
chaos: i mean, she did break down when she saw cecily and cathe despite being all but outright told what was going on by you and febronia, but...
chaos: ...
chaos: not sure where i was going with that one.
chaos: little help, nephilim?
Nephilim: In any case, it's only a matter of time before Shion's heart and body are-
chaos: fatalism.
Nephilim: ...Did you cut off my probably-insanely-important sentence just to say that.
chaos: it seemed necessary at the time.
Nephilim: I don't think there's a single future. I mean, that should be obvious, because my entire reason for bugging Shion relates to changing the future, so uh... pretty sure it's possible.
chaos: i dunno, they dropped that plotline pretty fast.
chaos: and by "pretty fast" i mean "immediately, like, within seconds of you first revealing it".
Nephilim: ...thanks for that, chaos.
chaos: welcome.
Nephilim: Weren't YOU the one who taught people that they could change the world in the first place?
chaos: very possible. i am jesus, after all.
[Cut to CANAAN and JULI.]
Canaan: Couldn't find anything suspicious about Roth Mantel aside from the fact that he's a smug idiot.
Juli: Yuriev's probably done the same, but I imagine he also determined that Roth Mantel gives off the same waves as the people of the Immigrant Fleet.
Canaan: Nicely done, now we don't have to summarize that cutscene.
Juli: Yes.
Canaan: I also have data about the Elsa. We'll need something with as much punch as the Omega to break the hypersphere and rescue it.
Juli: So get the Erde Kaiser.
Canaan: ...we lost it.
Juli: So get a fucking E.S., goddamn.
Juli: You people act like the Omega is actually powerful when we have actual, factual numbers that say it isn't.
Canaan: We could also use KOS-MOS equipped with the Tertiary Weapons System. That has as much output as an E.S., so it could pull it off.
Juli: ...
Juli: ......
Juli: Canaan, are you defective?
Juli: If you need something with the output of an E.S., GET A FUCKING E.S.
Juli: They are literally everywhere. You can't throw an E.S. without hitting another E.S.
Juli: Here, take one of mine! I won't miss it! I'm up to my ears in E.S. models as is.
Canaan: no i'm pretty sure we need kos-mos
Juli: ............
Juli: .....................fuckin' hate this game
[Cut to MARGULIS and HEINLEIN, where HEINLEIN is represented by some weird energy crystal lightshow deal.]
Margulis: Can I get the Omega back?
Heinlein: No.
Margulis: But-
Heinlein: It's already been taken care of. It's with its rightful master.
Margulis: Can I ask for an explanation?
Heinlein: You sure can.
Margulis: ...Could you explain that?
Heinlein: Yes, I could.
Margulis: ......
Margulis: How would you explain that?
Heinlein: Very carefully.
Margulis: ...
Heinlein: ...
Margulis: i see
Heinlein: Dismissed, Margulis.
[We'll skip the WILHELM and RED TESTAMENT scene because it would just be another joke about them saying things that are completely indecipherable currently. We now join ALLEN, who is leaving work.]
Allen: How am I supposed to explain to Shion that KOS-MOS is being scrapped?
Juli: You won't have to.
[Cut back to the hotel. SHION is talking to DOCTUS again.]
Doctus: I watched that footage. It's certainly astonishing that people thought KOS-MOS lost there.
Shion: yes.
Doctus: Couldn't find anything out about T-elos, by the way. Except that Ormus is maybe involved in her production.
Shion: What leads you to believe that?
Doctus: Well, one of their transport ships docked recently, and weighed in at 3751 tons-
Shion: Makes perfect sense!
Doctus: I didn't even finish explain-
Shion: Makes. Perfect. Sense.
* MiyukiChan has joined #topsecretillegalplanning
*** Topic in #topsecretillegalplanning is 'Seriously guys we have got to get a more secure method of doing this'
Miyuki: You guys started without me?
Shion: That's what she said.
Miyuki: Yes! It is what I said!
Shion: ...
Miyuki: ...
Shion: In bed.
Doctus: Stop it you two. Shion, we finished researching your father.
Shion: What did you find out?
Miyuki: It's possible that he wasn't evil, but merely criminally incompetent!
Shion: ...
Doctus: miyuki, you are the worst friend of all time.
[SHION gets a call from ALLEN, but just as she answers, she gets a BLAST OF RED PAIN and keels over. Again. She wakes up in bed, with ALLEN sitting next to her.]
Allen: Chief! Are you okay?
Shion: Yes, I'm completely fiNO I AM NOT OKAY
Allen: A doctor was here, but he just said it was probably overexertion.
Shion: PEOPLE WHO OVEREXERT THEMSELVES DO NOT PASS OUT MULTIPLE TIMES IN A ROW LIKE THIS
Shion: IT IS A SIGN OF A SERIOUS PROBLEM
Shion: I NEED MEDICAL HELP
Allen: Really?
Shion: Nah I'm probably fine. Med Kits heal everything. [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
Juli: No, I mean, the fact that you're still alive even though the Patriarch implied he had killed you in Xenosaga 2.
I believe the implication was that when Sergius (the Patriarch) was about to use Proto Omega's Phase Transfer Cannon after the boss fights, that he was targeting Second Miltia (or wherever Helmer is, pretty sure he's there though) however, the Testaments stopped it from firing before he could.
Sellers: Our new weapon is almost ready. However, there are a few issues.
Yuriev: Out with it already.
Sellers: Well, we don't have the correct pilot.
Sellers: And we're using a jury-rigged energy source.
Sellers: And nobody competent is on the project anymore because you were paranoid about Vector.
Sellers: But we could be falling into a Vector trap regardless.
Yuriev: ...
To Yuriev's credit, he's being quite genre savvy trying to keep everyone else out of his project.
[T-ELOS easily defeats a group of GNOSIS that were shipped in just for the demonstration.]
Shion: Such power! That's almost a third as impressive as what KOS-MOS did.
Shion: Two games and multiple upgrades ago.
Shion: Next.
Literally stated that T-ELOS had a limiter on the entire time. Allen literally states that the combat specs are multiple times KOS-MOS's.
[KOS-MOS is brought out. KOS-MOS lands a few hits for marginal damage and dodges most of the OMEGA's attacks. It does manage to land one on her... for 12% damage, making it less impressive than what the PROTO OMEGA did against the previous version of KOS-MOS, which was already really unimpressive. Suddenly, halfway through the battle, the OMEGA RES NOVAE stops working.]
...Were you paying attention to the battle? KOS-MOS dodges like one significant attack, then gets hit by the next one for 12% damage, and Omega Res Novae decides to stop firing to let her recover before resuming the attack. If it just fired on her while she was crushed into the wall, it would have won. KOS-MOS also literally does no damage to it despite firing X-Buster in its face. It is painfully obvious that Omega Res Novae was going to win that fight if it had continued, hell, it would have won had it fired on her earlier when she was first hit.
[The OMEGA RES NOVAE starts going berserk and attacking the audience.]
You mean the pilot went berserk. They never lost control of Omega Res Novae, hell Juli makes this exact point that if they don't cut the power that that is a risk.
Shion: Well to be fair, I don't think we were actually in any danger. I've tanked hits from the previous version of the Omega, and we have actual statistics that show it's weaker than this one.
...
...
*Sigh*
(Also: Literally claiming statistics here when actual plot statistics were used with T-ELOS)
Togashi: "greater than sign greater than sign implying t-elos wouldn't have been obsolete compared to KOS-MOS two games ago"
Fun Fact: T-ELOS was referenced back in Xenosaga I if you were paying attention. By name.
Juli: You people act like the Omega is actually powerful when we have actual, factual numbers that say it isn't.
...
...
I'd like to take the time now to point out to you that you never actually stopped Proto Omega. It trolled you in Labyrinthos and was only ever really "stopped" in the Omega System when the Testaments crashed the party, were implied to cut the power to it, and then gotten rid of it. The party AND Albedo never even came close to scratching the thing. Hell, it damn near killed Albedo, and his whole thing was regeneration to the point of immortality. Hell, Sergius basically implies he's been trolling you in those fights and not really using Proto Omega anywhere close to its full potential while fighting you. [/spoiler]
---
xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
Actually, what he says is:
Allen: "According to the specs, both her reaction time and Hilbert strength are three times KOS-MOS
Editor
Shion: Conversing awkwardly with you reminds me of Kevin.
Allen: Did you used to converse awkwardly with him often?
Shion: listen
Shion: you have NO idea
[Cut to CANAAN. He is alone, doing some work at a computer.]
Canaan: All right, so that's finished.
[CANAAN stretches.]
Canaan: Last order of business for today...
Canaan: ...determine why Doctus decided to spy on my boring desk job.
Canaan: For hours on end.
[DOCTUS becomes visible.]
Doctus: You could have mentioned this earlier. I was falling asleep there.
Canaan: I'm spiteful. Deal with it.
Doctus: What do the words "Program Canaan" mean to you?
Canaan: Searching database...
Canaan: No results found for "Program Canaan". Did you mean Project Chaos?
Doctus: That's the remixed Sonic 3 & Knuckles soundtrack.
Canaan: No, that's Chaosic Rune.
Doctus: No, Chaosic Rune is a manga.
Canaan: That's Runescape.
Doctus: No, Runescape is an MMORPG.
Canaan: That's Scapegoat.
Doctus: No, Scapegoat is a Yu-Gi-Oh card.
Canaan: That's goatse.
Doctus: ...No, it really isn't.
Canaan: Really?
Doctus: Google image search it and find out.
Canaan: ...
Canaan: Oh, fuck you.
Doctus: Hmm... I guess you really don't know anything about Program Canaan. Well, here's some information about it. It's a program in your head that runs without your knowledge and is evil.
Canaan: So... a virus?
Doctus: No, it was included by your creators.
Canaan: Oh.
Canaan: So like Norton Anti-Virus then.
Doctus: Precisely. And if it gets in our way, even if you're not responsible, we'll eliminate you.
Canaan: ...You'll put me on a reality show?
Doctus: That's Elimidate.
Canaan: No, Elimidate is a wizard.
Doctus: That's Elminster.
Canaan: No, that's someone who goes for optimized builds.
Doctus: That's a Min/maxer.
Canaan: No, Min/maxer is the best name of all time.
Doctus: That's Max Power.
Canaan: ...I thought that was a DBZ meme.
Doctus: That's 'his power is maximum'!
Canaan: The Touhou song?
Doctus: That's Maximum Moving About.
Canaan: Oh, I always mix that up with thisgagabout.
Doctus: ...What's thisgagabout?
Canaan: It's about 5 minutes too long. Get out.
Doctus: But-
Canaan: OUT.
[SHION ascends the ORBITAL ELEVATOR and boards the DURANDAL.]
Jr.: Shion. You're looking well.
Shion: You're being civil? What's wrong?
Jr.: I'm feeling a bit ill.
Jr.: Mainly because I'm going to have interact with you.
Jr.: AGAIN.
Shion: There's the Jr. I remember.
[JIN appears.]
Shion: Oh right, you're here too.
Jin: You should really be more punctual, Shion. Everyone else is already here.
Shion: By everyone else do you mean "Juli Mizrahi and no one else because they were on board the ship already"?
Jin: ...Yes.
Shion: Apology accepted.
[SHION heads up to the bridge. JULI MIZRAHI, ALLEN, and MIYUKI are waiting.]
Shion: Oh, you guys are here too. I see.
Jin: Apology accepted.
Shion: shut up jin.
Juli: Movin' on. Shion, have you heard about KOS-MOS?
Shion: I basically created her. Of course I've heard about her.
Juli: Okay, no, let's approach this from a different angle. Have you heard that the Subcommittee voted for have her scrapped?
Shion: ...
Shion: so none of them watched the battle either.
Juli: We assumed she'd lose!
Shion: funny
Shion: that doesn't seem like an adequate explanation to me
Jr.: More importantly, look at this hypersphere.
Shion: ...
Jr.: ...
Shion: does this logically follow
Juli: We're getting there, just hold on.
Jr.: This hypersphere swallowed the Elsa during the battle with Ormus. The Durandal and the E.S.s can't even damage it.
Canaan: I thought you said-
Juli: I never said that, you're lying, nobody listen to him.
Canaan: ...
Juli: We need to do technobabble technobabble in order to break it and rescue the Elsa.
Jr.: Totally impossible.
Shion: KOS-MOS could do it.
Jr.: ...Oh, now I see where this conversation is headed.
Shion: You weren't briefed ahead of time?
Jr.: I guess not.
Allen: But KOS-MOS has been slated for scrap!
Shion: So we'll fucking steal her, goddamn. We already stole highly sensitive information and all.
Allen: You did what?
Shion: ...HAHA
Shion: i am kidding
Shion: because i am shion and i frequently say things that make little sense in an attempt to be humorous
Allen: Well. That does sound like you.
Shion: yes.
Juli: Then it's decided.
Shion: We'll leave as soon as-
[SHION gets hit by a wave of RED PAIN and collapses. Again.]
Shion: okay this is really starting to get inconvenient.
Jin: Nah we had a doctor in here. He said you were just exhausted.
Shion: i don't think that-
Jin: Probably because you're working with Scientia.
Shion: ...
Shion: Jin. I didn't realize you were psychic.
Jin: *shrug*
Jin: Anyway, it's none of my business, as long as you're healthy.
Shion: ...
Shion: I AM CLEARLY NOT
[JIN exits, leaving an herbal remedy behind.]
Shion: Oh right, he's a doctor, isn't he.
Shion: ...
Shion: Which really just raises further questions...
[SHION exits her room and talks to JULI.]
Juli: EVERYONE ENVIES YOU SHION
Shion: AWESOME
Juli: ALSO YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN KOS-MOS AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Shion: OKAY
The player: please
The player: i am begging you
The player: some gameplay
The player: gaaaameplayyyy
[The party decides to meet at the hotel, so SHION heads back there. Why couldn't they have just met there from the start? Because you gotta stretch out the game length somehow.]
Allen: Shion, our mission is going to be extremely dangerous. Therefore, I'm going to authorize use of the Skill Line feature. Furthermore, I'm sending you my Skill Points. Make use of them as you will.
Shion: ...
Allen: ...
Shion: ...
Allen: Well, whaddaya think? I sounded pretty cool, ri-
Shion: no.
[The party heads to the facility.]
Miyuki: All right, I messed with the security. You're in.
Shion: Hope you didn't make any huge mistakes this time.
Miyuki: if you're so worried about that, you could've asked scientia for help
Shion: But you're so fun to mess with. Plus, this is our problem, I don't want to involve Scientia.
Miyuki: Ah-hah, I knew it! You're only using me because there's no one else!
Jr.: "Using her".
Shion: It is EXACTLY what it sounds like.
[They head into the facility and easily beat up some dudes.]
Miyuki: Should we really be killing so many innocent people?
Shion: Yes.
Miyuki: ...
Miyuki: ...I really don't think you're right.
Shion: Yes I am. I totally am.
Miyuki: Oh, okay!
[They reach the elevator.]
Jr.: Easiest mission ever.
Shion: Yep. I have to hand it to you, Miyuki, I really didn't think you'd be able to pull it off, but I was-
chaos: guys, the elevator doesn't want us.
Shion: -completely right. Goddammit, Miyuki.
Miyuki: What do you mean, it doesn't want us?
chaos: it doesn't want us.
Elevator: BZZT
Miyuki: ...I see.
Jr.: Well, Shion and Miyuki are with us. I don't blame it.
Miyuki: sniffle
chaos: look what you did, you made her cry.
Jr.: 10 points!
Shion: High five!
Jr.: Fuck you!
Ziggy: ...
chaos: ...
Ziggy: we are not a very good team.
chaos: no we really aren't.
[They take the other way around.]
Terminal: Purge restraint power unit?
Shion: Yes do it.
Miyuki: Wait!
Shion: SORRY MIYUKI CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS GOOD IDEA
Jr.: We need to do it to proceed, anyway.
Miyuki: But that makes no sense.
Jr.: It makes perfect sense if we assume my dad is an idiot.
Miyuki: ...
Jr.: ...
Miyuki: Is-
Jr.: Yes.
Shion: So we're all agreed that I can do this?
chaos: no, wait-
Shion: SORRY chaos I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE AGREEMENT
[SHION hits the button. We see a scene of a giant GNOSIS' restraints breaking... which then falls into place as part of a walkway.]
Shion: i did a good thing today.
[They come upon a second terminal.]
Terminal: Purge restraint power unit?
Shion: Let me at it!
[ZIGGY, JIN, and chaos hold her back.]
chaos: just let us think about this situation for two minutes!
Shion: NEVER
[SHION manages to break free and hit the button. We see a scene of the GNOSIS being completely unrestrained now.]
Shion: There, see? Nothing went wrong.
[They cross the bridge they created by purging the power restraints and find a room with the giant GNOSIS behind a pane of glass.]
Jr.: ...
Jr.: I'm not sure who I hate the most right now. Shion or my dad.
Ziggy: It's Shion.
Jr.: But-
Ziggy: No, listen to me.
Ziggy: It's Shion.
Ziggy: It's always Shion.
[The GNOSIS attacks the glass, then flies off.]
Jr.: I've decided who I hate the most.
Shion: Yourself?
Jr.: You.
Shion: Why?
Jr.: BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SET IT FREE ON US
Shion: Maybe it'll just leave?
PA system: A large Gnosis has escaped into sector 18. Personnel in the area are advised to evacuate immediately.
Shion: Okay, this is not a big deal.
Jr.: YOU HAVE RECREATED A HORROR MOVIE
Shion: Which one?
Jr.: ALL OF THEM
Shion: The girl always survives the horror movie. I'm still feeling okay about-
Jr.: THE INNOCENT BUBBLY GIRL SURVIVES THE HORROR MOVIE. THAT IS MIYUKI NOW.
Shion: Oh fuck me.
Miyuki: YES!
Jr.: Probably not a good idea if this is a horror movie.
Miyuki: ...Wait, what?
MOMO: I'm confused.
Ziggy: Don't even listen to them, MOMO.
[They move on and fight an AG-01 and a VX-7000 AGWS.]
MOMO: I never thought we'd up fighting them. It feels rather strange.
Party: ...
Shion: I don't follow.
MOMO: Those were the AGWS models we had in the first game.
Jr.: Were they?
MOMO: I think so.
Shion: Hands up, everyone who even remembers that we used AGWS in the first game.
[MOMO raises her hand, no one else does.]
MOMO: It was a major part of the game!
Party: ...
MOMO: Well, it was definitely a part of the game, at least.
[They move forward and end up in the area the elevator would have brought them to.]
Miyuki: See, look! Now the elevator is working! Just look at it!
[beat]
Shion: WE DON'T FUCKING NEED IT ANYMORE
Miyuki: ...
Shion: YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST
Jr.: Miyuki you realize that this means you're to blame for that Gnosis being loose, right? Are you proud of the fact that you put the entire party in severe danger?
Miyuki: .......sniffle
Jr.: 10 points!
MOMO: It'll be okay, Miyuki, you'll get used to them after a while.
Miyuki: R-Really?
MOMO: No. My advice is to just run and never look back.
Miyuki: But-
MOMO: IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME MIYUKI JUST RUN GO GO GO
Shion: stop that momo
[They get in a different elevator and head down, but the elevator just skips their floor entirely. Why does it skip their floor? Why are there two elevators right next to each other that go to completely different places? Who knows? The party sure doesn't.]
Shion: All in favor of blaming Miyuki for this?
Party: Aye.
Jin: This isn't her fault. We are being led somewhere by someone... or something.
Shion: Oh.
Shion: ...
Shion: All in favor of blaming Miyuki for this?
Party: Aye.
[The elevator stops and the party exits. They're in the OMEGA RES NOVAE hangar.]
Jr.: That thing's enormous! What the hell is my idiot father planning to do with that thing?!
Ziggy: Kill lots and lots of people and/or Gnosis.
Jr.: Oh.
Ziggy: What else would it be used for?
[As SHION stares at the OMEGA RES NOVAE, she starts to get assaulted by RED PAIN. Yes, a-fucking-gain. Thankfully, ZIGGY catches her before she passes out. More importantly, they spot ABEL at the other end of the room.]
Abel: Sad being, this way.
Shion: Hey, wait!
[ABEL exits.]
Jr.: You know him?
Allen: He's the pilot of Omega Res Novae.
Shion: ...what
Allen: Yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell you earlier.
Shion: Am I the only one who has a problem with this?
Allen: What could possibly go wrong?
Shion: ...
Shion: HE COULD FUCKING BREAK DOWN WHILE PILOTING THE OMEGA RES NOVAE LIKE HE DID DURING THE DEMONSTRATION
Allen: The chances of that are so low, though.
Shion: RIGHT NOW THEY ARE ONE FOR ONE
Jr.: Anyway, we could follow him, but it might be a trap.
Shion: Yeah, they decided to cunningly send out an extremely valuable pilot to use as bait in order to get us to... follow him down the only path we can possibly go. Genius.
Jr.: You're assuming they're smart.
Shion: ...
Shion: All right, let's follow, but everyone stay on guard in case it's a trap.
Miyuki: ...Am I the only one who's completely lost?
Shion: Yes, now hurry up or we'll leave you behind.
[They follow ABEL across a bridge, which collapses behind them.]
Jr.: That... does not seem like something that a properly maintained facility should be doing.
Shion: Nah, I'm sure nobody uses this part of the building.
[The next room is a big research center with dozens of chairs and computers. One room to the north is ABEL'S ROOM, last seen at the end of XENOSAGA EPISODE I.]
Shion: goddammit.
[Following ABEL to the west, they end up in the SCRAP ROOM.]
Shion: Right next to living and working quarters, makes perfect sense.
Jr.: Nothing about this facility's layout makes any sense at all. You're just now noticing?
[They find KOS-MOS amidst all the junk.]
Shion: KOS-MOS! How could they do this to you?! Abandoned in a place like this... lying there unconscious... covered in grime...
Shion: .....................
Shion: Could you all give me a momen-
Party: NO.
MOMO: Ziggy, is this how you imagined your life?
Ziggy: No.
MOMO: So it's not just me, then...
[SHION uses her portable computer thingy to analyze KOS-MOS.]
Shion: Miyuki, what's this task?
Miyuki: Um, I dunno.
Shion: Add another item to the list of things Miyuki doesn't know. Fine, I'll run a stalking program and ask Doctus about it later. Right now I'm just going to turn KOS-MOS on.
Jr.: WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME
Jin: Jr. stop encouraging her.
[KOS-MOS is rebooted.]
Shion: Good morning, KOS-MOS.
KOS-MOS: My sensors detect nothing good about it. ...But good morning.
[SHION approaches KOS-MOS slowly and seriously gets within centimeters of locking lips with her. But she ends up just hugging her.]
Jr.: Oh just FUCKING KISS already, goddamn! Stop being so dramatic about this!
Jin: Do you get EXP for killing tender moments like this?
Jr.: No, I do it for the sheer joy.
Shion: I'm so sorry, KOS-MOS.
KOS-MOS: Is something wrong?
Shion: No. It's nothing. I'm just happy, that's all.
KOS-MOS: I'm detecting a rather large chance of you passing out within the next two minutes.
Shion: I'm just happy is all, KOS-MOS. Really.
[beat]
KOS-MOS: You can stop hugging me any time now.
[SHION does so.]
Shion: Miyuki, you're out of the combat party.
Miyuki: What? I was never in the combat party!
Shion: Yeah, but now you're out of the even potentially combat party. We need to make room for KOS-MOS.
Miyuki: But... it's not like the "potential combat party" is a physical space. There can be ANY NUMBER of people in it.
Shion: Even so, you're out of it. Permanently.
Miyuki: But I barely got to fight!
Shion: Miyuki, Miyuki, Miyuki... Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes Xenosaga Episode III isn't fair. For all those reasons and more, I don't give a damn. If you want to fight so much, make your own game.
Miyuki: Maybe I will! I'll call it Super Miyuki RPG and it'll be awesome!
Shion: Miyuki.
Miyuki: What?
Shion: If you make that game, and I don't believe you will, I am never going to play it.
chaos: i think we can use this elevator to get out of here.
Shion: Okay, then let's-
[RED PAIN. SHION collapses. Yes. Again. THE WRITER swears that he's not adding any of these episodes, they all actually happened in the game.]
Voice: Shion... I want to know. To know you. To know your world.
Shion: Who are you?
Voice: I am the will of the universe. You identify me as U-DO.
Shion: Oh right.
Shion: ...
Shion: I guess I established that within seconds of you first contacting me.
U-DO: Yes, it really seems like that was an error in the script.
Shion: So...
U-DO: What do you desire from the world?
[SHION wakes up.]
Jr.: Are you okay?
Shion: Yeah, I'm fine now.
Jr.: Well, it's a good thing I don't believe you, or I'd be really disappointed.
[They take the dumping elevator upwards and start to escape; the walls open up when they do so and a dozen AGWS pour out.]
Shion: KOS-MOS, can we escape?
KOS-MOS: At our current speed, every single AGWS will catch up to us before we can make it out of the room.
Shion: And they each get a free hit on us when engaging us from behind... Welp, guess the smart thing to do is not run at all then, and just engage a dozen AWGS head on.
Jr.: Shion...
Jr.: That was the smartest thing you've ever said, and I both support and endorse it.
Jr.: If it somehow involved ramming a ship into them I'd like it even more!
[They eventually dispatch the dozen AGWS.]
chaos: that... that was interesting, all right.
MOMO: I feel no desire to ever do that again.
Ziggy: Remember back in the first game when I said that myself and MOMO were no match for three AGWS? Whatever happened to that?
Shion: You got characters in your party who aren't obsolete and/or twelve year old girls.
Ziggy: ...
Shion: That's what happened.
Jin: Really, half of us probably could have solo'd them.
Ziggy: ...
MOMO: So is this why you stopped nitpicking the plot after we joined the larger party?
Ziggy: yes.
MOMO: I don't blame you.
Ziggy: thank you, momo.
Shion: Anyway, let's just get to a save point before something kills us and we have to fight all those AGWS again.
Jr.: As terrible as it makes me feel, for the second time in a half hour, I agree with Shion.
[The giant GNOSIS bursts out of the floor.]
Jr.: God.
Shion: Fucking.
Jr.: Damn.
Shion: It.
BOSS FIGHT:
ALUDRA CALF
Shion: So, have we unlocked the ability to use strategy yet?
Jr.: Not really.
Shion: Got it. Time to mash Attack until the game lets us progress, then.
[After far too long, the boss dies.]
Shion: You know what I miss? Boss fights being over in four rounds.
KOS-MOS: Yeah, but that was because every fight involved doing the same thing.
Shion: EVERY FIGHT IN THIS DUNGEON HAS BEEN WON BY USING THE BASIC ATTACK COMMAND OVER AND OVER
[beat]
Allen: Well, at least we rescued KOS-MOS.
chaos: yes. now let's get out of here and go rescue the elsa.
[They do so. The DURANDAL departs from FIFTH JERUSALEM. Meanwhile, ROTH MANTEL stands on the roof of the ORBITAL ELEVATOR. BLUE TESTAMENT appears.]
Blue Testament: Are we just gonna let them go?
Roth: THE WHEEL OF FATE IS TURNING! They'll reach the Thirteenth Key whether we intervene or not.
Blue Testament: ...
Blue Testament: Well, I guess I'll take your word for it.
END OF CHAPTER 2 [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
KOS-MOS: At our current speed, every single AGWS will catch up to us before we can make it out of the room.
Shion: And they each get a free hit on us when engaging us from behind... Welp, guess the smart thing to do is not run at all then, and just engage a dozen AWGS head on.
I am almost positive you can get out of there before all/most of them can engage you. [/spoiler]
---
xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode III, click to show][Outside the HYPERSPHERE, the party's E.S.s are battling GNOSIS.]
Shion: Gnosis?! Why are they here?!
Jin: Did you really just ask that. We've been fighting them for like two minutes now.
Shion: Well... my point still stands.
Jr.: No it doesn't. Gnosis are fucking everywhere. You can't throw an E.S. without hitting a Gnosis.
Shion: STILL STANDS.
KOS-MOS: So can I shoot this hypersphere yet or what.
[KOS-MOS is standing on the hood of the E.S. DINAH.]
Shion: Yeah sure go ahead.
[KOS-MOS warps in a couple MAGs.]
KOS-MOS: Firing.
[Her big fuck-off laser does fuck-all to the HYPERSPHERE.]
KOS-MOS: My MAGs aren't working, Shion.
Shion: That's because you have to feed them first.
KOS-MOS: We don't have time for that.
Shion: In that case, it's time for the usual approach.
Jr.: Ramming?
Shion: Taking the output up to 11.
[KOS-MOS overclocks her MAGs, destroying them and blasting an opening in the HYPERSPHERE.]
Ziggy: How convenient that now we won't be able to use that extraordinarily powerful weapon in combat.
Jr.: Shut up and hurry into the blasthole!
Ziggy: ...never say that again.
[Cut to ROTH MANTEL and BLUE TESTAMENT, who are in the CRYPT from the beginning of the game.]
Blue Testament: So now you're going to use the daughter in place of the imperfect mother?
Roth: Don't you own that video?
Blue Testament: Don't change the subject. Do you know what this is going to cause?
Roth: Yes.
Blue Testament: Oh, okay. I'll help you out, then. We just need to destroy KOS-MOS, right?
Roth: Only T-elos can destroy KOS-MOS.
Blue Testament: Objection! Also Shion with a handgun.
Roth: the players are supposed to have forgotten about that by now.
[The party contacts the ELSA's crew and boards.]
Hammer: We can't escape because the logical drive isn't working.
Jr.: I guess that makes sense, given that you're still here. So what's our plan?
Hammer: ...
Tony: ...
Matthews: ...
Hammer: We kind of assumed that our rescue party would be handling that.
Jr.: No, we just blasted a way in, which has closed by now.
Hammer: ...........
Jr.: By the way, do you guys have some water and oxygen the eight of us can use up, effectively cutting the time we have to find a way out in half?
Matthews: .........................................
Shion: When we get back - IF we get back - I've got some words for Dr. Mizrahi about this plan.
The Professor: Something in that landmass must be causing the logical drive to malfunction.
Matthews: You could have told us that earlier. We'd have nuked it from above.
The Professor: Meh.
Jr.: Well, now that we're here, we'll handle it in the most inefficient way possible!
[They take the E.S.s and head out, finding themselves in an underground cavern. They are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. They encounter some enemies.]
Jr.: Time to put those new Generators to the test!
Shion: Hey... Is it just me, or...
MOMO: No, I get it too.
chaos: me too.
Shion: THIS IS FUN. And unique! And not barebones! And fast! Why can't the regular battle system be this?!
Ziggy: Maybe it just seems better compared to the E.S. battle system in the previous-
Jr.: SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW
Ziggy: yikes. did I insult your mother or something?
Jr.: Worse. You reminded me of the last game's E.S. battle sys-
Ziggy: SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW
Ziggy: ...Oh, I see how it works.
Jr.: You are enlightened.
[They find some purple gemeralds.]
MOMO: That's Geocrystal, also known as DIAMOND - IN SPACE. We can't destroy it.
Shion: I take that as a challenge.
[SHION knocks a huge chunk of GEOCRYSTAL onto more GEOCRYSTAL. Both shatter.]
Shion: Ha.
Ziggy: That's all well and good, but this chunk here is actually in our way. We should really let MOMO or KOS-MOS drop the next one, because they can do it with computer-like precision.
Shion: Nah, I'm pretty pro like that.
[SHION misses.]
Shion: ...i'm sure there will be another geocrystal in a suspiciously perfect location.
Ziggy: obviously.
[It takes them like five hours of bumbling around in the caves to find it.]
Shion: told you.
Ziggy: hate you so much.
[MOMO knocks it down, opening the path for them. They proceed into a large cavern that says "BOSS FIGHT HERE".]
Jr.: What's that tablet on the wall say?
Shion: "Boss fight here".
Jr.: No I mean below that, in Hebrew... Or Aramaic, or... hell, I can't read that. I just pretend to be octlingual.
MOMO: "And, behold, there was a great EQ: for the Pokemon of the Lord got STAB on it, but I mean, he would have used it anyway, because it's a great attack even if you're not Ground-type."
Jr.: You can read it?
MOMO: No, I recognize it. It's exactly the same words that I've seen on Smogon. Also similar to a message stored in the Y-Data that had nothing to do with Pokemon.
[Suddenly, the party is attacked from behind. It is BLUE TESTAMENT, atop an E.S.]
Blue Testament: Don't you know it's rude to come into someone's home uninvited?
Shion: What? This is your home, Virgil?
Blue Testament: What? No. I mean, it might be. You don't know who I am.
Shion: I JUST SAID YOU WERE VIRGIL.
Blue Testament: BEHOLD, FOR I REMEMBER YOU AS WELL, SHION UZUKI! I REMEMBER THAT YOU LET ME DIE!
[BLUE TESTAMENT removes his mask, revealing that he is VIRGIL.]
Shion: Shock.
Jr.: I'm shocked that Shion was actually right about this.
Shion: HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE VIRGIL. It wasn't hard to guess!
Jr.: You can't just recognize who people are based on their voice. That's impossible.
Virgil: Listen up, yo. I've got business here. Out of my way.
[VIRGIL has the E.S. NAPHTALI attack, but the party dodges.]
Shion: Wait! Can't we come to an understanding!
Virgil: No.
Shion: Okay, then we'll just kill you.
Shion: Again.
KOS-MOS: It won't take long. I have a lot of experience in this area.
Virgil: I don't think so. Not in those E.S.s, you won't.
[The tablet starts glowing, causing the E.S.s to glow also.]
chaos: if only canaan was here. being the only one of us actually familiar with e.s.s, he might be able to explain this.
Jr.: ...who the fuck is Canaan?
Shion: Seriously Virgil, what's going on?
Virgil: It's quite simple! That is the kind of place this is, to those Vessels of Anima you're using.
Shion: ...
Shion: That explains less than nothing.
Shion: Sometime in the future, an explanation that we were SUPPOSED to hear will instead be eaten by your anti-explanation.
Virgil: You're not very bright, are you?
Shion: CLEARLY I AM NOT
BOSS FIGHT:
E.S. NAPHTALI
Virgil: ROAR, DEATHTALI
Jr.: This isn't good. He outclasses us and we can't cheese him with healing spells like in the last game.
Shion: Look, we don't have all that many options. We'll just attack him until he dies.
[They attack, but VIRGIL dodges.]
Virgil: Instead of shooting at where I was, you should have shot at where I was GOING to be!
chaos: guys, i think we might need to use strategy here.
Jr.: Well that isn't fair.
KOS-MOS: No, we just need maximum firepower. Ignore all defenses and healing!
Shion: And uh... start off with a higher accuracy attack, I think that affects the accuracy of later attacks.
[They take VIRGIL down to about half health.]
Virgil: Ooh, scary. You might force me to... go berserk!
[VIRGIL awakens some ANIMAs. He brings out a big-ass cannon.]
Virgil: You look soft and squishy. G'bye.
MOMO: We've got like 5000 HP still, there's no way-
[VIRGIL blasts the ZEBULUN, taking it out.]
MOMO: Welp, that's the end of us.
Ziggy: Sorry, everyone.
Jr.: Don't apologize, the way I see it, you just saved us from having to spend a turn swapping you out for Jin.
Ziggy: Implying we had enough money to buy a better Generator for the Reuben.
Jr.: ...Oh fuck me.
Jin: It'll be fine. I'll beat him myself if I have to, Generator or no Generator!
[The DINAH and the ASHER go down on the same turn.]
Jin: ...
Jin: Holy shit you guys, I was just kidding! You can't take me seriously like that!
Shion: I blame Jr. for this.
KOS-MOS: That would seem appropriate, considering it was his fault.
Jr.: You're the one who told us to ignore defenses and healing!
chaos: children, children...
[The E.S. REUBEN engages the E.S. NAPHTALI one-on-one.]
Jin: Guess it's down to you and me.
Virgil: Guess so. But you don't think you can really win, do you?
Jin: Yeah, actually. I am a Bleach character, after all. Winning duels like this is what I do. But I don't think we've been properly introduced. Here, take my card.
[JIN gives VIRGIL his card.]
Virgil: ...What's this about your Colossal Blade?
Jin: I'm glad you asked.
[JIN awakens some ANIMAs.]
Jin: My name is Jin. Jin Uzuki. The sword that smites evil!
Jin: THERE'S NOTHING MY COLOSSAL BLADE CANNOT CUT!
[JIN finishes VIRGIL off with his special attack.
Jin: Once again I have cut a worthless object.
Virgil: Damn! My E.S. can't withstand pop culture references of this magnitude!
Virgil: That said, I am completely unharmed.
Jin: fuck.
Shion: Virgil, you died. You're supposed to be dead. People die when they are killed. You were killed, so therefore you should be dead. Yet you are not. Yet you were killed, which should indicate that-
Jr.: Stop. Right now.
Virgil: How did I get here? Is that your question? Am I alive or am I dead? It doesn't really matter. That isn't even important. Then again-
Shion: Unless you're going to answer me, shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. Your new name is Schrodinger.
White Testament: What she said. The time has come, so quit dickin' around.
Jr.: That voice! I'd recognize it anywhere! Albedo?!
[WHITE TESTAMENT magically removes the VESSEL OF ANIMA from the E.S. NAPHTALI. Both TESTAMENTs exit.]
Jr.: Wait, Albedo!
[The other E.S.s lose energy and then stop responding entirely.]
Blue Testament: That's what I meant by... whatever it was I said. Good luck~
Shion: ...
Jr.: ...
Party: ...
Jin: Welp. Guess we'll have to hoof it from here.
[They find a room with lots of platforms made of rock suspended in the air. Using ancient stone computer terminals, they can cause these to move and reassemble into walkways.]
MOMO: Shion, you're a scientist.
Shion: That statement is 100% accurate.
MOMO: How does this system work? What causes these rocks to hang in midair, and what force redirects them for our purposes?
Shion: Well CLEARLY it is an extremely light-weight polymer that hangs in the air due to the unusual gravity present here, and is influenced by incredibly subtle magnetism which we provoke through the electrical impulses caused when we receive visual input that leads us to believe it is rock rather than what it really is.
Shion: Or, in other words, it works because we take it for granite.
MOMO: ...
MOMO: why do i even talk to you
[The party engages some GNOSIS. Being hit by a GNOSIS causes them to become crystallized in three turns.]
Shion: Funny how fighting Gnosis never caused this to happen to us before.
Jr.: Yeah, that really was an oversight. I'm glad they fixed it.
Shion: Of course, the fact that winning the battle or using an item fixes crystallization just raises further questions.
Jr.: I'm also not sure why KOS-MOS can be crystalized.
KOS-MOS: I can't. I just get tired of winning all your battles for you.
Shion: Jerk.
[The party exits the dungeon to the surface.]
Jr.: What is this place?
Ziggy: That is a very good question. I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be daylight here. There's no sun.
Shion: This is the place from my dreams!
Jr.: ...
Party: ......
Ziggy: mystery solved.
[The scene becomes black and white and SHION sees NEPHILIM for a split second before RED PAIN causes her to start to pass out again.]
chaos: shion, are you okay?
Shion: Yeah... just... bad memories of Turok 2 all came flooding back to me at once. Let's move on. And try to find the Celebral Bore.
[They head back underground and end up in a graveyard/mass tomb type place.]
Jr.: These graves are all empty. Did some graverobbers beat us here?
Shion: Check them all anyway, there are usually items hidden in graves.
MOMO: Um, guys? Did you read the names on any of these graves?
Shion: i find that just humanizes the target
Jr.: You've done this before.
Shion: Not my first JRPG, Jr.
MOMO: SERIOUSLY GUYS READ THE NAMES
Jr.: Asher... Dinah... These are all E.S. names!
Shion: definitely not important
Jr.: i concur, back to looting
MOMO: sigh
[They eventually move on and find the place from the end of KOS-MOS' SUBCONSCIOUS DOMAIN in XENOSAGA I, where she was crucified.]
Shion: ...This is impossible on so many levels. And I get the feeling we're going to be interrupted before we get any answers.
[SHION grabs the ARCADIAN RESOURCE that is on top of the nearby tome and exits back into the large graveyard room, where T-ELOS appears. She fires at the party, but KOS-MOS blocks the attack.]
Shion: PROPHET.
Jr.: A boss fight, in this large empty room at the end of the dungeon? How did you ever guess? Shion, are you a wizard?
Shion: Yes.
Jr.: ...the fact that you don't realize i'm mocking you is what i hate the most.
[T-ELOS deactivates her special eyewear, revealing her blue eyes.]
T-elos: I'm here for the Thirteenth Key. Also to kill you.
Jr.: Okay, after that, it's what I hate the most.
Ziggy: What is she?
MOMO: She's KOS-MOS.
KOS-MOS: No, I'm KOS-MOS.
Shion: Try to keep up, MOMO.
MOMO: But-
chaos: this presence... but wait, she can't be!
Shion: You have us at a disadvantage here, chaos.
chaos: well then, allow me to explain. she- [EXPLANATION EATEN BY VIRGIL'S ANTI-EXPLANATION]
Shion: ...
Shion: fucking virgil.
T-elos: Less talking, more bleeding.
BOSS FIGHT:
T-ELOS
KOS-MOS: Preparing to enter combat mode at maximum out-
Shion: Nope, you had your chance back at the demonstration.
KOS-MOS: I didn't even fight her during the demonstration!
Shion: My point exactly. Should've been pro enough to take the initiative and hunt her down.
KOS-MOS: But-
Shion: SORRY KOS-MOS I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW PRO I AM. Ziggy, chaos, you're in.
chaos: got it.
Ziggy: Understood.
Shion: Ziggy, snap her neck.
Ziggy: I already did.
[T-ELOS is lying on the ground. She does not move.]
Shion: Oh. You know, you should really wait for orders before-
Ziggy: SORRY SHION I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW PRO I AM.
[KOS-MOS summons her chaingun and fires a thousand rounds into T-ELOS, causing an explosion.]
Shion: Easiest fight ever.
Jr.: What a piece of piss. I hope the rest of my dad's weapons aren't this lousy.
KOS-MOS: Heads up, she's about to do the Sephiroth thing.
Shion: The what?
[T-ELOS casually strolls out the inferno, unharmed.]
Shion: Oh, that Sephiroth thing.
KOS-MOS: I will delay her for as long as I can. Please use that time to escape.
[KOS-MOS engages T-ELOS, and after about five minutes of CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON-esque martial arts, gets knocked flat onto the ground.]
KOS-MOS: ...Or you could not escape at all and thus squander my sacrifice.
Shion: Don't act surprised, you knew this would happen.
KOS-MOS: ...
KOS-MOS: i dared to dream, though.
Shion: well let this be a lesson to you.
Jr.: So KOS-MOS lost again. Can we just re-kill T-elos and get out of here or what?
Roth: It's useless.
[ROTH MANTEL appears.]
Roth: We've already analyzed her combat patterns.
Shion: You mean that task? I knew I should have sent that to the recycle bin.
Roth: Yeah, probably. Anyway, KOS-MOS' fate is to die here, so... you know. Let's get going with that.
Shion: What are you and T-elos even doing here?!
Roth: Um excuse me it is pronounced "Thyphenelos".
Shion: ...Thyphenelos. why.
Roth: Because the hyphen don't be silent.
Shion: ...
Roth: ...
Shion: What are you and T-elos-
Roth: THYPHENELOS.
Shion: -doing here?
Roth: The answer is simple.
Shion: then stop stalling and fucking tell me.
Roth: I'm here to observe you.
[ROTH MANTEL becomes RED TESTAMENT.]
Shion: ...this explains nothing.
Red Testament: You have no time to be surprised. Your princess is losing.
[SHION notices that KOS-MOS is fighting T-ELOS again.]
Shion: Medica.
Roth: ...
Shion: Anyway, where were we?
Roth: She's losing again.
Shion: MEDICA. You said you were here to-
Roth: OH MY GOD SHE IS LOSING SO BADLY
Shion: MEDICA M, goddamn.
KOS-MOS: Shion, at this rate I will only last 140 seconds.
Shion: That's why we keep trying to get someone more competent to take over!
[T-ELOS tries to attack SHION directly but KOS-MOS blocks the blow, destroying her arm in the process.]
Shion: ...KOS-MOS do you remember 10 minutes ago when I got hit by T-elos like 50 times and was fine? The Ziggy School of Trying-to-Relevant is not worth it.
Ziggy: It's really not, all it gets you is a long, annoying conversation with Dr. Mizrahi.
KOS-MOS: ...
[KOS-MOS tosses T-ELOS into the air and summons her chaingun. She unloads 10000000 shots into T-ELOS while JUNIOR joins in with his antique handguns.]
Jr.: Damn you!
Ziggy: Good contribution, Jr.
Jr.: I don't see you busting out your SEMI-AUTOMATIC GODDAMN ROCKET LAUNCHER, old man.
[T-ELOS is unharmed except for a cut on her face.]
Shion: So what I'm getting out of this is that she absolutely can be damaged... just... our previous attacks did nothing... but a hail of gunfire causes a cut on her face... so...
Shion: ...
Shion: Never mind. This doesn't make any goddamn sense.
T-elos: KOS-MOS, what is the actual reason for your existence? Tell me.
KOS-MOS: I have nothing to say.
KOS-MOS: ...
KOS-MOS: I had a gesture for you, but then you went and broke my arm.
T-elos: Cute words from an empty vessel. If that's all, then die so that I may awaken!
[T-ELOS activates her PHASE TRANSFER CANNON.]
Shion: Oh dear, that's the sound of us being screwed.
T-elos: TESTS FOR THE TESTAMENTS
T-elos: KOS-MOSES FOR KOS-MOS' TOMB
[T-ELOS fires her PHASE TRANSFER CANNON; KOS-MOS shields the others and ends up broken down on the floor. SHION's pendant starts to glow. T-ELOS briefly appears as a young woman before turning back into T-ELOS. T-ELOS places a foot on KOS-MOS chest.]
Shion: Jr.? Little help? Red Dragon Mode? Anything? No? Okay then.
Shion: Jin, you can canonically one-shot AMWS with your fake impossible swordsmanship. Wanna step in, maybe?
Shion: Ziggy, you... you don't care about being completely ineffectual. Maybe shoot a few rockets at her? For old time's sake?
Shion: chaos, you said you were gonna stop holding back. Maybe you wanna back up that statement?
Shion: No? We're just gonna watch this happen?
Shion: I'd say it seems out of character, but it's been established that this is just what our party does in situations like this...
[T-ELOS crushes KOS-MOS.]
T-elos: I AM ORDER! NOT YOU, KOS-MOS!
[SHION's pendant reacts again, and begins to resonate with KOS-MOS, whose eyes turn blue and whose body begins to glow. Meanwhile, one of the tombs also begins to glow blue.]
Red Testament: Now, reveal yourself to us.
[On the DURANDAL...]
Shelley: We have to leave. Plot is happening and we just can't cope with that.
[Cut to WILHELM, whose COMPASS OF ORDER AND CHAOS seems to be fully functional now... Or maybe it's the same, who knows, THE WRITER is surprised he even knows what its name is.]
Wilhelm: It has begun. Once again, in the same place, it has begun.
[Back to SHION's group.]
Shion: This
Shion: is
Shion: BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
END OF CHAPTER 3 [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Fire Emblem 6, chapter 14, click to show][heavily edited to remove irrelevant comments; it has just been suggested that we let Roy solo a group of level 15-17 Mercs]
Kenri: Roy is only level 14
xp1337: HE'S NOT GOING TO BE LEVEL 14 FOREVER KENRI
xp1337: god, all the other level 14s are out going to parties, and getting promoted, and here you are trying to ground him for not being ****ing matthew
Mr_Epyon: If I were Roy's dad, well
Mr_Epyon: that'd make me eliwood
Mr_Epyon: and that's terrible
Kenri: Well, I did play as Eliwood in FE7
Kenri: I guess I really am Roy's father >_>
Mr_Epyon: oh god
Mr_Epyon: this explains everything
Kenri: I was also playing Lyn, though, which is troubling
Kenri: Who did we support Lyn with? Hector?
[CG7 says we supported Lyn with Florina]
Kenri: YES
Kenri: BEST EVER
xp1337: Breaking News from the Pherae Times! Roy possibly not the legitimate son of Marquess-ess Ninian? Lyn suspected in death of Ninian? Not naturual causes as believed?
Mr_Epyon: XD
Mr_Epyon: "Page 2 story: Rebecca fails miserably in CoD! What a loser!"
xp1337: GOD ROY, WHY AREN'T YOU OUT STUDYING LIKE ALL THE OTHER LORDS?
Chapter 14
Ugh. Sand, in a video game!
We get Sophia and Cecilia as the chapter begins. Sophia's a level 1 Shaman and the Est archetype of this game (see also: Nino); Cecilia is still a level 1 Valkyrie. There's also a scene of some tan blonde girl trying to get a little girl named Fa to escape.
So let's go over why this chapter sucks:
1. It's a desert chapter. This means hugely reduced movement for normal, non-mage characters, and double plus hugely reduced movement for anyone on a horse. We're talking two squares for unpromoted units and three for promoted ones. It's awful. So awful that I didn't deploy Geese even though he needed the EXP.
2. It's also a fog of war map. Which ALWAYS suck.
3. There are 7 items hidden in this chapter, which can only be uncovered 100% of the time with a Thief, or 9% of the time with other units.
4. There's an 8th item that can only be found by Sophia.
5. You're forced to bring a level 1 Shaman into a level that can eat her alive. She must survive if you want to go to the Gaiden chapter.
6. To go to the Gaiden chapter, you must finish within 25 turns.
7. There are six bosses. There's the normal chapter boss. There are two berserkers who appear as reinforcements and then move, making a beeline for your troops; IIRC, they're armed with a Killer Axe and a Devil Axe. (Note: In CG7's game they had a Devil Axe and a Halberd, so I dunno wtf.) And then there are three mamkutes throughout the chapter; mamkutes can, if you recall, only be harmed with magic or special weapons such as Wyrmslayers. Mamkutes only have two movement in this chapter and won't attack unless you get in range, but they're beasts and can one-shot a lot of your units at this point in the game. I just ignored one; it wasn't worth my time to kill it for such measly EXP (~30 points - or ~100 for Sophia but I'm not putting her anywhere NEAR a mamkute).
8. The berserkers bring with them a group of 10-15 brigands, who will move throughout the map, seek out your troops, and have a much higher movement rate than you'd think.
9. The level is full of wyverns, including several Wyvern Lords, and mages, both of which aren't impeded by the desert conditions.
10. There is at least one Priest wielding a Sleep Staff.
11. You're forced to bring Roy and Cecilia, both of whom only have two movement in the desert.
UGH.
Let's just get this over with.
Miledy levels. HP, Skl, Luk, Def.
Lalum levels. HP, Luk, Def.
Miledy levels. HP, Str, Skl, Spd, Luk, Def. AMAZING.
Lilina levels. ......................NOTHING. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Lilina's stats at level 20:
HP 24 (average 24.55)
Magic 20 (MAX) (average 19.25)
Skl 11 (average 8.8)
Spd 10 (average 10.65)
Luk 14 (average 13.5)
Def 4 (average 3.9)
Res 14 (average 13.65)
So basically, the real main character is this girl. I think we all need to accept that and move on with our lives.
Clarine levels. Skl, Luk.
Miledy levels. Str.
Sophia levels. Skl. URGH. Even the characters with awesome growths are getting terrible levels!
Lilina promotes. HP +3, Magic +3, Skl +3, Spd +3, Def +1, Res +2, Con +1.
..............huh. Enemies can find the hidden items on this map. A mage just dropped the Silver Blade. o____O
Lalum levels. HP, Spd, Luk, Res.
Sophia levels. HP, Skl, Res.
Roy levels. HP, Str, Skl, Def.
Sophia levels. HP, Res.
Miledy levels. HP, Str, Skl, Spd.
Sophia levels. HP, Def, Res. Ugh.
Chad levels. HP, Str, Spd, Luk. Amazing.
Sophia levels. HP, Magic, Skl, Luk, Def, Res. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS FINALLY
Rutger levels. HP. Terrible. Fuckin' Rutger thinks he's too good for stats now that he's a Swordmaster.
Dieck levels. HP, Skl, Luk.
Chad levels. HP, Spd, Def. Chad has now maxed Spd.
Sophia levels. HP, Magic, Skl, Luk, Def, Res. Amazing. Needs Spd, but I am so not complaining.
Forgot to do this earlier: Miledy's stats at level 20:
HP 38 (average 37.5)
Str 19 (average 17)
Skl 15 (average 16)
Spd 15 (average 14.5)
Luk 9 (average 7.25)
Def 16 (average 15)
Res 3 (average 3.5)
Or, in other words, FUCK YEAH MILEDY
Miledy promotes. +5 HP, +2 Str, +2 Skl, +2 Spd, +2 Def, +2 Res, +1 Con.
So because we finished the chapter in under 25 turns, we can go to the gaiden chapter. [/spoiler]
[Spoiler for Fire Emblem 6, chapter 14 Gaiden, click to show]Chapter 14 Gaiden
oh god no
it's ****ing Night of Farewells
THE BOSS EVEN HAS BOLTING
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
...
anyway
Sophia levels. Spd, Luk, Res.
Lalum levels. Str, Spd.
Thany levels. HP, Str, Skl, Spd. Niiice.
Sophia levels. Magic, Skl.
Sophia levels. HP, Skl, Spd.
Sophia levels. ......HP. damn you sophia
Sophia levels. Def, Res.
Lalum levels. HP, Spd, Luk.
Geese levels. HP, Spd. Urgh. Geese, you SUCK.
Wolt levels. Skl, Luk, Res. Weird level.
Sophia levels. HP, Skl, Spd, Def. Niiiiiiiice.
Roy levels. HP, Str, Spd, Res.
Thany levels. Skl, Luk.
Clarine levels. HP, Skl. Yuck.
Lalum levels. Spd, Luk.
Lilina levels. Magic, Spd, Res. Nice.
Miledy levels. HP, Skl, Luk, Def. Miledy has quickly become one of my strongest units.
Spellcasters as bosses.
Thany levels. HP, Skl, Spd, Luk. Thany is the Queen Bitch of criticaling on a 6% chance to deprive other units of EXP. This time she even took out the boss that way.
We receive the Infernal Element, Forblaze, the Divine Weapon used by Athos (not to be confused with the Inertial Element, the Divine Weapon used by Jason Fleming). Athos is, FYI, the founder of Arcadia. Roy talks to the Elder of Arcadia, who thanks them for stopping Bern's invasion. He can't believe that Bern has Dragons. Normally, Dragons can sense the "pulse" emitted by other Dragons, but he's too old and Sophia is only half-Dragon, so she can only sense a "twisted Force". Yeah I don't get it either. This sure beats "YOU SMELL LIKE THE DARK, EVEN LIGHT CAN'T HIDE THAT" though. Igrene, Guardian of Arcadia (the tan blonde chick from earlier) says she's going with us. Fa, who is, FYI, the only real Dragon left in Arcadia, says she's going with us too, but everyone shuts her down for being too young. ...But she decides to follow us anyway. lulz [/spoiler]
[Spoiler for Fire Emblem 6, chapter 15, click to show]Chapter 15
All right, let's do this. Roy learns that Fa is following them, and it will be trouble if she falls into Bern's hands. She then immediately gets kidnapped by Raeth, a guy who is working for Etruria/Bern. Yep. So now we need to go take Raeth out. Fine with me, one less idiot we'll have to fight later.
Percival appears on turn one as an enemy, but Douglas, the third Etrurian General, is here as well. He basically tells Percival that Etruria WILL fall in this war, and that while he must remain loyal to the king, Percival should go and guarantee the future of Etruria. Douglas then leaves.
Sophia levels. HP, Spd, Def.
I recruit Percival with Lalum. Apparently Lalum has a letter from Prince Mildain, and this means that Mildain is alive and within the Lycia Alliance Army, so Percival defects. Err... what? Did I miss when this was revealed or... wtf, seriously.
On turn 3, a berserker named Garret appears from the north with two brigands, going to loot a nearby village. He is recruitable, by Lilina, but my characters are nowhere NEAR him or the town. I end up having to rush Alan to the village just in time and just pray that Garret doesn't crit him, or get killed in retaliation.
Garret attacks Alan from range. Whew.
...And crits. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-
OH MY GOD ALAN SURVIVED ALAN YOU ARE AMAZING GREATEST OF ALL TIME
Lilina to Garret. Lilina wants to know why he loots villages. He says he does it because nobles keep starting wars and making it so he has to do this to survive. Lilina says the Lycia Alliance Army isn't like that; Garret says he's heard it before and that nobles are all talk. He then tells her to get out of the way.
Lilina: I won't move. If you want to kill me, then you may do as you wish.
Garret: What...
Lilina: If I let you pass, I would just be another one of those people who you say are all talk and no action.
Damn.
That was an Elincia tier gambit. But yeah, Garret joins our band of wandering death.
The bad news is that Clarine killed like 8 guys because I had to rush her as well to kill a sniper, and got almost no EXP for it, but right now the EXP gains are so small for my units (generally ~10 EXP) that I don't really care enough to reset over it.
Lalum levels. HP, Spd.
Sophia levels. HP, Skl, Res. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Lilina levels. Magic. Double ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Geese levels. HP, Skl.
Geese's stats at level 20:
42 HP (average 41.5)
15 Str (average 15)
13 Skl (average 12)
13 Spd (average 13)
10 Luk (average 13)
8 Def (average 10)
0 Res (average 1) /laugh
...So, amazingly, against all odds, Geese is apparently SUPPOSED to suck this much. I got kinda dicked over in Luck, Def, and Res, but the only one I really care about is the two points I missed in Def. Ehhhh.
Lalum levels. HP, Spd.
Rutger levels. HP, Skl, Spd, Res.
Sophia levels. Magic, Skl.
Alan levels. HP, Skl, Spd, Luk, Def. GOAT.
Miledy levels. Luk. WOAT.
Lalum levels. HP, Luk, Def.
Raeth: There must be some reason you attack this castle!
Roy: Um, yes. It's called "we're at war you goddamn moron". Also? Free EXP.
I decide to feed the boss to Sophia. AND MY FAITH REWARDS ME WITH THIS:
Sophia levels. Magic, Skl, Spd, Res.
Clarine levels. Magic, Luk, Res. Clarine now has 16 Magic at level 20/13. IIRC, this is her average magic at level 20/20. Holy crap, Clarine, you are a goddess.
Fa joins the party. Roy's reasoning is that the enemy already knows about her, and that it'll be easier to guarantee her safety if she's with them. However, I suspect that his real motive is the fact that Fa has been locked in her room since she was born and never allowed to see the outside world (what the fuck, Arcadia?)
Because all of Percival's NPC friends survived, I get a much needed Knight Crest. THE DYNAMIC DUO OF ALAN AND LANCE IS BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY. THEIR BUSINESS? GIVING BERN THE BUSINESS. AND LET ME TELL YOU, BUSINESS IS BOOMING!! [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
Shion: It's so beautiful even though Gnosis are destroying everything.
Kevin: Yes. Humans thought we were alone in the universe, but then Gnosis started to appear.
Shion: I thought Gnosis had always been around, it's just their numbers increased recently?
Kevin: no that was a lie
Shion: "oh"
Kevin: My home planet was destroyed by Gnosis. I was the only one who survived.
Shion: ...are you superman
Kevin: ......yes
Shion: Is that why you built KOS-MOS?
Kevin: I dunno, probably.
[KEVIN gives SHION the pendant.]
Shion: This is... the pendant your mother gave you?
Kevin: I'm not sure what kind of path I'm walking down, but will you walk it with me?
Shion: Sure! Unless you die in a terrible accident.
Kevin: That probably won't happen!
[Cut to the U-DO WAVES place.]
U-DO: Shion, are you feeling joy?
Shion: No, that's a wallet in my pocket. ...Wait, what?
U-DO: Does this memory bring you... joy?
Shion: yes
Shion: i have so little
Shion: I want to keep reliving that memory over and over, but...
U-DO: But?
Shion: But I've got shit to do.
[SHION wakes up, alone, in a forest.]
Shion: ...First thing's first, gotta find the others because I need meatshields.
[SHION looks around.]
Jr.: Don't move!
Shion: But-
[JUNIOR drops from a tree and lands on SHION, pointing a handgun in her face.]
Jr.: You thought you could sneak up on us?!
[MOMO and chaos drop from a tree.]
MOMO: Jr., wait!
chaos: that's not an enemy!
Jr.: Yes it is! It's Shion!
MOMO: ...That is a compelling argument.
chaos: we need her help right now.
Jr.: All right, but I'm only letting her go on the condition that I can kill her later.
Shion: You can get off me anytime now.
[ZIGGY and JIN drop from a tree.]
Shion: ...Why the fuck were you all hiding in trees?
MOMO: We decided to start a new life... up in the trees!
MOMO: Up in the trees! Up in the trees!
MOMO: It's such a relief, to be up in the leaves, take it from me!
MOMO: Down on the ground they work all day!
MOMO: Walking on dirt they slave away!
MOMO: While we spend our time on
MOMO: Whole days of climbin'
MOMO: Up in the trees!
Shion: Oh god, she's singing again.
Ziggy: Yeah that's the other thing, please tell me you have a juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers.
Shion: I told you we should have brought her bag!
Ziggy: I know, I know!
Shion: You're lucky I just happened to grab one of each before we left.
MOMO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[MOMO sips her juice box happily while the adults converse.]
Shion: In any case, I'm glad everyone is safe.
Jr.: You mean aside from KOS-MOS who was almost definitely destroyed back there?
Jin: Jr.! At least TRY not to be a dick.
Jr.: No, it's cool, KOS-MOS can't really be dead because if she was she'd have appeared as a guest fighter instead of a regular one. Like Miyuki.
Shion: Miyuki isn't dead.
Jr.: Note to self: kill Miyuki.
chaos: we also can't find the elsa's crew.
Shion: So?
chaos: ...
chaos: so we should probably look for them.
Shion: List several reasons why.
chaos: our e.s.s still aren't responding, so if we want to leave, we're gonna need a ship?
Shion: ...
Shion: that's only one reason.
chaos: i think it is sufficient for your warped worldview.
[They move on and see LABYRINTHOS off in the distance.]
Shion: Jin, look! It's Labyrinthos!
Jin: o rly?
Shion: ya rly!
Jin: NO WAI
Jr.: Guys, we're just in the past or the Encephalon or whatever again, it's not a big deal, stop freaking out.
[They move on and find a waterfall.]
Shion: Check behind the waterfall for goodies.
MOMO: Isn't that dangero-
Shion: SO HELP ME IF WE DON'T CHECK BEHIND THE WATERFALL FOR GOODIES
[There are goodies behind the waterfall. They collect them and move on to find a FEDERATION SOLDIER being attacked by COMBAT REALIANS.]
Shion: That looks like... Virgil?!
Ziggy: He'll be killed if we don't intervene. Should we help him?
Shion: Let's do it. He'll hate it.
[They defeat the REALIANS.]
Virgil: Who are you people?! How do you know my name?!
Jr.: If I were you I'd be more worried about those life-threatening injuries.
Virgil: ...daugh
[VIRGIL keels over.]
Jr.: What do we do?
Shion: We help him, of course.
Jr.: He's a Testament.
Shion: Oh, okay, we'll just kill him and change the future.
Jr.: Excellent.
Shion: And then the Testaments might never show up to destroy the Proto Omega.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: ......
Jr.: I'm weighing those options carefully.
Shion: We're not killing him! Well, yet. We'll kill him in the future, when he's an actual challenge for us.
[They pick up VIRGIL and carry him with them, looking for a place to treat him. Eventually they see FEBRONIA.]
Shion: Okay, if this is Miltia 15 years ago, and that's Febronia, and that was Labyrinthos, and I'm Shion, and this is Xenosaga Episode III, then there's probably a church over this-a-way. Follow me!
[They find the CHURCH that they were at once before, while in KOS-MOS' SUBCONSCIOUS DOMAIN. They enter the church and call for help. YOUNG SHION, YOUNG MAN (this is presumably his actual name), and FEBRONIA appear.]
Shion: Oh dear, this is going to get confusing real fast.
Febronia: Can I help you, person who looks suspiciously like the young girl beside me?
Jin: We need a place to treat this man.
Shion: His wounds are serious and we can't move him, so we came here.
Febronia: ...
Febronia: ......
Febronia: .........
Shion: Okay, now what I just said might SOUND like a huge contradiction, but the bigger issue is that he's going to die!
Febronia: Fine, take him to the back room then.
Young man: Febronia. Conference.
[YOUNG MAN and FEBRONIA convene.]
Young man: Did you forget that he's an ENEMY soldier? I am going to get in so much trouble for this as your U-TIC supervisor!
Febronia: But we have to help him!
Young man: ...why.
Febronia: Because I said so.
Young man: But-
Febronia: Nope, sorry, ignoring you now.
[FEBRONIA escorts the party + VIRGIL to the back room. JIN and MOMO get to work.]
Jin: It's no good. He's too badly wounded.
Jr.: Welp, we tried our best.
Shion: Such a shame.
Febronia: WAIT
Febronia: I WILL DONATE MY ORGANS TO HIM
Jin: but then you won't have any organs. that's usually an issue for people who want to live.
Jin: also, you're a realian.
Febronia: I'm a special Realian that's more like a human.
Febronia: And I can regenerate IF I get back to Labyrinthos within a few hours.
Jin: ...
Jin: As a doctor, I need to stress that you are making a very, very dumb decision right now.
Shion: So don't fucking operate on her.
Jin: I have to operate on anyone who asks, no matter what or why. That's what being a doctor is all about.
Shion: No it isn't! You are, in fact, entirely incorrect.
Jin: ...
Shion: ...
Jin: I AM A DOCTOR
Shion: I AM A SCIENTIST
Jr.: why is this my life now
Jr.: i used to travel around in my giant spaceship/city, doing good deeds while running a successful company/country
MOMO: Cheer up, Jr.!
Jr.: why should i
MOMO: ...
MOMO: ......
MOMO: uh...
Jr.: you get back to me on that
[VIRGIL is treated successfully. SHION talks to YOUNG SHION.]
Shion: So... your name is Shion?
Young!Shion: That's right! Did you people come in that pretty green ship?
Shion: I don't know, maybe, where was it?
Young!Shion: It landed by the east cave.
Shion: chaos! Find the others, we are outta here.
[YOUNG MAN enters.]
Young man: Okay, out out out out out out the Organization is coming and if you guys stay here you'll make this problem even worse. Xemnas is gonna be so mad.
Shion: We're already in the process of leaving.
Young man: .........
Young man: Good. Let's keep it that way.
[They approach the DABRYE MINE and find an old man outside.]
Old man: go back to bed, u-tic
Jr.: We're not U-TIC. We don't look ANYTHING like U-TIC.
Old man: That one man over there does.
Jin: Eh-heh... heh... you must be mistaken.
Shion: We need to go through your mine to help our friends.
Old man: My granddaughter went in there with her robot buddy Leupold to kick U-TIC's asses. If you see her, tell her to quit being dumb, okay?
Shion: Can do. By the way, what's your name?
Old man: My name?
Old man: It's Aizen Magus.
Jin: !
[In an instant, AIZEN is next to JIN.]
Aizen: Be glad you're not in U-TIC anymore, Jin.
Jin: Aizen?! But you're supposed to be-
Aizen: Are you really so dense, Jin?
Aizen: Concepts like "death" and "defeat", for beings like me, who have transcended mortality... and just that. Concepts. And nothing more.
[AIZEN is now back in his original position. The rest of the party has not reacted.]
Jin: ...We should go. Right now.
Shion: But-
Jin: GO GO GO NO TIME TO LOOK BACK HURRY HURRY
[AIZEN waves to them as they leave.]
Aizen: Y'all come back now!
[They enter the mines.]
Shion: Have you guys noticed that we've been doing a lot less slogging through gray featureless corridors and a lot more walking briskly through interesting environments lately?
Ziggy: Well, now that you mention it...
Shion: Let's try to keep that up.
[They come upon defeated U-TIC grunts.]
U-TIC grunt: urgh... that girl and her machine... too powerful...
Shion: glad we didn't have to fight these guys
Jr.: We could kick 'em a little. You know. While they're down.
Shion: Isn't U-TIC supposed to be basically good at this point in time?
Ziggy: No, I think U-TIC and the Federation are both evil right now.
Shion: Fuck, I can't keep track of the retcons. We'd better kick them while they're down just to be on the safe side.
Jr.: Agreed.
U-TIC grunt: whyyyyyy
[They take a crazy zipline across a chasm, and while they ride it they see a dangerous looking mech fly by.]
Shion: So... that's Leupold, right?
chaos: presumably.
Shion: And... we're gonna fight that thing, right? I don't know how or why, but we are gonna fight it at some point.
Ziggy: Oh yeah.
Jr.: Definitely.
[They exit the caves to the outside and find MAI MAGUS.]
Mai: STOP RIGHT THERE, U-TIC SCUM
Jr.: We're not U-TIC!
Jin: ...Anymore!
Shion: Plus, your grandfather sent us to tell you to go home.
Mai: If that was true, it would mean you're not U-TIC.
Mai: Therefore, you must be lying.
MOMO: That's how logic works!
Jr.: Oh for god's sake. Do we look ANYTHING like the U-TIC grunts around here?
Mai: LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, U-TIC
Shion: ...okay, i'm ready to beat her up now.
Jr.: we did all we could.
Mai: If history is to change, I will ignore that change. If the world is to be destroyed, I will tune out anyone who tries to tell me how to prevent that. If my fate is to die, I MUST SIMPLY BE STUBBORN AS HELL.
Mai: I AM MAI MAGUS
Mai: COME AT ME BRO
BOSS FIGHT:
MAI & LEUPOLD
Jr.: So we're targetting Mai first, right?
Ziggy: Well, she is the squishiest looking of the two. Tactically, it's probably the best-
Jr.: No, I just want her to shut the fuck up.
Shion: Agreed.
[The party beats up a little girl.]
Mai: ugh... leupold, it's up to you now.
Shion: Yeah, about that, the only thing that was even making this sporting was the fact that there were two enemies instead of one. Now we can just spam Heat and Break moves until we win.
[They do so.]
Mai: You evil... bad... U-TIC... meanies! I hate you! You're gonna kill me, right? Go ahead and do it.
Jr.: If we wanted to kill you, we'd have done it already!
Shion: In fairness, we did try.
Jr.: Yes, but she has a lot of HP!
Jr.: So we were not successful!
chaos: ...what part of this is proving we're not u-tic, again?
Shion: Do we even WANT to prove that anymore? The way I see it, U-TIC has been fighting Mai, thus they're our allies.
Mai: I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS. I DEMAND THAT YOU KILL ME RIGHT NOW!
[AIZEN MAGUS appears.]
Aizen: Mai.
Aizen: Shut up.
Mai: Grandfather! I thought these U-TIC soldiers had already gotten to you.
Shion: When did you get here, anyway?
Aizen: Since when were you under the impression I wasn't here before you?
Mai: LET ME AT 'EM
Mai: THEY'RE U-TIC
Mai: OR POSSIBLY COMMUNISTS
Mai: THEY'RE ALSO THE SECOND SHOOTER AND THEY'RE HIDING OBAMA'S KENYAN BIRTH CERTIFICATE
Ziggy: I think our business is concluded, here.
Party: Agreed.
[They walk away.]
Mai: WAIT
Mai: STOP
Mai: GET BACK HERE AND KILL ME
Jr.: Shion, I owe you an apology.
Shion: Why?
Jr.: For all those times I said you were the worst x in the universe. It was before I had met Mai.
Shion: Apology accepted.
Jr.: ...
Shion: ...
Jr.: i still hate you a lot, though
Shion: i understand
[They find the ELSA in the next cave, and board it. EVERYONE ELSE is on board, safe and sound.]
Shion: so where's kos-mos
Allen: Chief... you'd better come take a look at this.
[They go to the maintenance room.]
Allen: We recovered KOS-MOS after the battle, but...
Allen: Her core was destroyed. The only one who could repair that is Kevin.
Allen: KOS-MOS will never move again.
Shion: ...
Shion: for the second time
Shion: i must end this chapter by saying
Shion: that this is BULLSHIIIIIT
END OF CHAPTER 4 [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
chapter 6 is coming soon
i know i said i wouldn't do this again, but in fairness, what i did before was post writeups for basically the entire game in one long batch, so technically this is different
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode III, click to show][We now join the DURANDAL crew.]
Shelley: So we still haven't located the Elsa?
100-Series: Correct.
Shelley: ...we are not very good at this.
100-Series: no.
[JULI MIZRAHI contacts them.]
Mary: Little Mastah?!
Juli Mizrahi: ...no, not exactly. but it's good to know you haven't made any progress in finding the party, either.
Shelley: I assume this isn't a social call?
Juli: Yuriev is mobilizing the entire Federation fleet to attack Ormus on Michtam. We need to fight them.
Shelley: ...why, exactly.
Juli: ...
Shelley: ...
Juli: Because... because Ormus is our enemy.
Shelley: That's why we DON'T need to fight them.
Juli: Oh right. Well, the Federation is our enemy also.
Shelley: Are you proposing we fight them AFTER Ormus weakens them for us?
Juli: ........Maybe?
Shelley: ...
Juli: ...
Shelley: ...
Juli: Actually, wait, I had a good reason for why we should intercept them. They're looking for an object. The Eternal Circle - Zarathustra.
Shelley: ...that sounds like something you just made up.
Juli: look just focus on finding the elsa right now, okay?
[Cut to SHION, who is dreaming.]
Young man: We've done all we can.
Febronia: WAIT
Febronia: I WILL DONATE MY ORGANS
Young man: That's stupid, you're stupid, no way.
Febronia: Please?
Young man: Okay fine.
[SHION wakes up.]
Shion: oh right, i guess it wasn't jin and the rest of us after all LOL WHOOPS FORGOT MY OWN BACKSTORY
MOMO: Shion? Are you awake?
Shion: No, I'm talking in my sleep.
MOMO: Oh. I was just wondering why you aren't in the big, important, plot-relevant meeting that's happening downstairs.
Shion: ...
Shion: i wasn't told about any meeting.
MOMO: We sent you a memo.
Shion: I never got-
MOMO: You replied saying you'd be there.
Shion: ...dammit
[SHION rushes to the meeting.]
Shion: Sorry I'm late!
Jr.: ...Who invited her?
Allen: I did.
Jr.: You're fired.
Allen: You can't fire me, I quit!
Jr.: Good, because I'm not your employer, so I can't fire you.
Allen: ...
Jr.: get out.
[ALLEN leaves.]
Jr.: Now then. What do you mean, the Vessels of Anima are gone?
The Professor: They're gone! Kapoof! Vanished! Never to be seen again. ...Probably.
Allen (shouting from outside the room): MAYBE IT'S A NEGATIVE SIDE-EFFECT CAUSED BY OUR TIME TRAVEL
Shion: Time travel having side-effects? Get out.
Allen: why does everyone keep telling me to do that
The Professor: Fortunately, I have good news! The contradiction caused by our time travel is slowly but surely building up latent heat energy! If we let it keep going, it'll certainly destroy the entire universe!
Party: ...
The Professor: Wait, that's not good news at all!
Shion: Contradictions cause heat energy to build up?
The Professor: Yes.
Shion: The next sentence I say is true.
Shion: The last sentence I said is false.
Jr.: Shion, stop trying to destroy the universe during our meeting!
Shion: But-
Jr.: NO BUTS! You'll have plenty of time to do it after we're finished here.
Jin: Is there anything we can do?
The Professor: We may be able to return to our original world if we contain this latent heat energy with a field and interface with the space-time continuum!
Jr.: Then let's get started.
The Professor: ...Get started with wha?
Jr.: Containing the latent heat energy and interfacing with space-time.
The Professor: That's ridiculous science-fiction mumbo-jumbo! Where did you ever hear such dreck?
Jr.: You just told us!
The Professor: ...I did?
The Professor: I mean of course I did!
Jr.: Then let's-
The Professor: Let me finish! We don't have anything capable of doing that. There's nothing we can do.
[Later, SHION is standing by KOS-MOS. ALLEN enters.]
Allen: Cheer up, Shion! Once we get back to our own time, I'm sure we'll be able to repair KOS-MOS!
Shion: ...really, allen? that's the best you've got? "her core was damaged and NO ONE CAN REPAIR THAT EVER, but now that i've seen how sad you are about this, sure, we can repair it"? How do you think I'm going to feel when we can't actually do that?
Allen: ...I'm not very good with women.
Shion: You're lucky I find that attractive in a man. Anyway, do you think this is really Miltia 15 years ago?
Allen: That seems incredibly unlikely, and given we have virtual reality and a lot of enemies who like screwing with us, I'm much more inclined to believe it's that.
Shion: BUT IT SEEMS SO REAL
Allen: More real than any of the other times we've "traveled back in time" via the Encephalon?
Shion: Not really.
Allen: QED.
Shion: If it is the past, it occurs to me that we can change the future.
Allen: We can't do that! Who knows what sort of misfortune we might accidentally cause?
Shion: That may be the logical way of thinking - in fact, I'm almost positive that it is - but I'm still going to try to argue against it.
Allen: That is your modus operandi.
Shion: You remember the third Space Vampire vs. WereGnosis movie?
Allen: Yeah?
Shion: You remember how they intentionally summoned Ziggurat Dragon, because at that point, it couldn't possibly fuck things up any worse than they already were?
Allen: Y-yeah...
Shion: MILTIA IS GOING TO BE DESTROYED IN A FEW DAYS
Allen: ...Oh, right.
Shion: QED MOTHERFUCKER, LET'S GO.
[SHION and ALLEN exit the ELSA.]
Mai: I KNEW IT! U-TIC ALWAYS RETURNS TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME!
Shion: Oh god it's Mai. QUICK ALLEN, JUMP OFF THE MOUNTAIN
[SHION grabs ALLEN's arm and jumps off the cliff.]
Mai: GRAVITY, I DEMAND YOU REVERSE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW SO THEY GET BACK HERE
Mai: ...
Mai: so u-tic got to you too, eh gravity?
[SHION and ALLEN arrive at a road via their "shortcut".]
Allen: you know, there was a path down the mountain's side we could have taken
Shion: not. fast. enough.
[They come upon a downed U-TIC ATC. They hide as SUOU UZUKI appears to inspect the scene.]
Suou: We must be really short on help if an important scientist is doing grunt work like this. Grab the vital data and let's go, I'll call in a janitor to deal with the rest of this once we return to Labyrinthos.
[They exit.]
Shion: Okay, here's the plan. We're gonna steal some uniforms and I'll use their IDs to make us some mock-ups. Then we'll sneak into Labyrinthos.
Allen: ...for what purpose?
Shion: I don't understand the question.
Allen: What do you hope to gain from doing this?
Shion: Well, my plan is to spy on my dad.
Allen: a fantastic plan with only one detail overlooked
Shion: What's that?
Allen: HE IS YOUR DAD
Allen: HE WILL REALIZE THAT HIS DAUGHTER AGED ABOUT 15 YEARS AND IS SPYING ON HIM
Shion: we'll be fine.
Allen: this is, by far, the worst idea you've ever had. and i don't say that lightly.
[They move on, into the city.]
Girl: Help me get my balloon back!
[SHION vaporizes the balloon.]
Shion: I feel like I did a good deed today.
[SHION and ALLEN head into the hospital at the base of LABYRINTHOS.]
Security Guard: Need to see your ID.
Shion: Be cool, let me do the talking.
Allen: But-
Shion: Ignore my associate. Here's my ID.
Security Guard: ...This says you're part of the squad that was wiped out.
Shion: THE PLAN HAS FAILED! EVERYBODY RUN!
Allen: She got hit on the head and passed out. I mean, I did also, but she's the only one who suffered brain damage from it. Anyway, that's why we're alive.
Security Guard: Oh, that makes perfect sense. What happened to the cargo?
Shion: What cargo, I didn't hear about any cargo?
Security Guard: ...the realians.
Shion: ...what's a Realian? I've never heard that word before! You can't prove I have! I deny everything!
Allen: The Realians were destroyed, unfortunately.
Security Guard: Hmm, hope that doesn't delay the project. Anyway, I'd tell you to head straight to the medical bay, but Professor Mizrahi needs you ASAP. Head to the fourth floor.
[ALLEN and SHION head inside.]
Shion: That went pretty okay.
Allen: I'd be lying if I said it didn't go better than I expected.
[They walk a little further.]
Allen: ...This is the hospital we saw in KOS-MOS' Encephalon, right? What's with all the armed guards?
Shion: They're guarding the retcons. This isn't a hospital. I just thought it was a hospital when I was a little kid. It's actually a holding ward for their test subjects.
Allen: ...That seems like the kind of thing you should find immediately distressing.
Shion: Nah, I'm gonna wait until we're in front of some important villain, then freak out about it and blow our cover.
Allen: ...I'd have more of a problem with that statement except that I honestly don't think our cover will even last that long.
[They head up to the fourth floor and find JOACHIM MIZRAHI's room.]
Joachim: You two! What are you standing around for?! Hurry up and get to work!
Shion: Joachim Mizrahi!
Allen: ...who did you expect to find?
Joachim: HURRY, DAMMIT!
Shion: Yessir!
[SHION hurries over to the terminal.]
Shion: Now reconfoobling the energy-mo-tron. Interfacing with timey-wimey ball... Okay! Dummy plug online.
Joachim: ...Are you new here?
Shion: Yessir, sir! Just transferred in this morning, sir!
Joachim: I see. I'd heard I was getting new assistants. They really ought to have prepped you better though, we stopped using the time-wimey ball interface last month.
Shion: Speaking of not being prepped, what are these test subjects?
Joachim: They're the ones capable of linking with Vessels of Anima. We're going to control their fear and perform a Zohar connection experiment.
Shion: Oh.
Shion: ...
Shion: That sounds like bullshit, even for this game.
Joachim: You think it's bad? Try getting it funded.
[SHION and ALLEN discuss the VESSELS OF ANIMA loudly in secret, before SHION notices something interesting.]
Shion: GASP! Mom's name!
Allen: ...well, you did warn me you'd do this, so I can't even bring myself to get mad.
Joachim: You two! Stop muttering and fetch my assistant, Kevin Winnicott!
Shion: OH WHAT THE
Allen: YESSIR WE'LL GO RIGHT AWAY
Shion: BUT-
Allen: C'MON GIRL WHOSE NAME I DON'T KNOW
[ALLEN drags SHION outside.]
Allen: We really need fake names.
Shion: No, I need a fake name. You are largely irrelevant.
Allen: Look, either way, we've gotta figure this out.
Shion: No, now I'm interested, we'll just improvise something.
Allen: But-
Shion: It'll be fine.
[They barge into KEVIN's room. He is the YOUNG MAN from earlier (surprise).]
Kevin: How dare you barge into my room without knoc-oh hell, it's you again.
Shion: What are you talking about, we've never met before, Kevin.
Kevin: ...how do you know my name
Shion: Um
Shion: Um
Shion: We're Professor Mizrahi's new assistants?
Kevin: ...What're your names?
Shion: ...Uh
Shion: Uh
Shion: Uh
Shion: Uh
Shion: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh
Shion: I am Noish Kuzui!
Allen: ...
Allen: And I am Gottam Itschion.
Allen: Because Gottam Itschion.
Kevin: Well, what do you want?
Shion: Oh, right. Professor Mizrahi needs you.
Kevin: Fiiine.
[KEVIN exits.]
Shion: Is it really him?
Allen: Well, he looks and sounds identical, and he has the same name, but his personality is different, so I'll say... maybe?
Shion: I know, it's hard to tell with a game like this.
Allen: I'm more surprised that you didn't recognize him instantly back at the church. Weren't you romantically involved with him for a number of years?
Shion: ...
Allen: Well, I guess "surprised" is the wrong word.
Shion: Disappointed?
Allen: That's the one.
[SHION notices something interesting on the computer.]
Shion: These are KOS-MOS' schematics! I was hoping we'd stumble onto these!
Allen: What? No you weren't. Don't even pretend you planned this.
Shion: Can we just say I did, so this segment makes a little more sense?
Allen: ...Actually, yeah, okay, let's just roll with it.
Shion: Stall him for me while I download a copy.
Allen: Stall him? He left. He's working with Professor Mizrahi right now.
Shion: No, he just went into the broom closet to get things ready.
Allen: Oh. ...Then we'll just lock him out.
Shion: I LIKE the way you think!
[They lock KEVIN out and download KOS-MOS' schematics. They then let KEVIN back in.]
Kevin: What the HELL is wrong with you people?
Shion: Nothing!
Allen: Everything.
Shion: And now we're leaving.
[They exit.]
Shion: ...That went surprisingly well.
Allen: I am, sadly, forced to concur.
[They return to JOACHIM.]
Joachim: ...i don't suppose you actually did what i asked.
Shion: He's on his way. I honestly don't know what's taking him so long.
Joachim: Well, he does like to dick around.
Shion: I wouldn't know anything about that.
Joachim: Anyway. Make yourselves useful and take this data to the subject management wing on the fifth floor.
Shion: Yessir, sir!
[They leave.]
Shion: So... We determined that Joachim is actually a good guy, right?
Allen: Right.
Shion: But we're not going to warn him or anything.
Allen: No.
Shion: Because that would be wrong.
Allen: Yes.
Shion: Saving all those lives would be so very, very wrong, because it could have vague, implied consequences at some point, maybe.
Allen: Glad we're clear on that.
[They head up to the fifth floor and try to go to the subject management wing. However, they can't get past a security checkpoint.]
PA system: This is a security announcement. The current security threat level is orange. Please be on the look out for suspicious individuals, including teenage boys carrying large weapons. Do not leave secret evil documents unattended. If you have left a secret evil document unattended...
Shion: I really don't think this extra security does anything.
Allen: It's a good system, it's just inconvenient.
Shion: No, watch. Hey Mr. Security Guard! Why can't we pass through here?
Security Guard 1: You need clearance.
Shion: Professor Mizrahi sent us.
Security Guard 1: ID, please.
[SHION hands him her ID.]
Security Guard: You're cleared. Hurry on through.
Shion: You see? He didn't even check your ID. Or notice that I mocked this one up in PhotoShop in 45 seconds.
Security Guard 1: You know, you should really wait until you're out of my hearing range to discuss stuff like that.
Shion: I get the feeling you don't care too much, considering all your security feeds are plainly visible to anyone walking by, including that one over there, that really seems like it should be on lock down.
Allen: Is that a Vessel of Anima? They're storing those here?
Security Guard 2: Yeah, in the underground research wing. Why?
Security Guard 1: Fred, I swear to god...
Security Guard 2: What? It's RIGHT THERE. If they didn't want people to see it, they'd have built the monitors into our desks or something.
Security Guard 1: They're clearly spies. They were just talking about having forged their IDs.
Security Guard 2: Okay, then go ahead and apprehend them.
Security Guard 1: I will.
Security Guard 2: And, assuming you survive, you will be rewarded by being allowed to continue working at this same post, for the same pay as if you hadn't done anything.
Security Guard 1: ...
Shion: So... can we go?
Security Guard 1: ...
Security Guard 1: Get the fuck outta here.
[SHION and ALLEN continue through the security checkpoint. In one room, they find interesting info on a computer terminal.]
Shion: Test subject Tethlla Magus? I can't believe this. What should I tell Mai? And importantly, is there a way to tell her that will completely crush her, psychologically?
Allen: This is low, even for you.
[They move on to SUOU UZUKI's room.]
Allen: ...and we were doing so well.
Shion: It'll be fine. We brought the data, Dad!
Allen: . . .
Shion: I mean, uh... We brought the data, sir.
Suou: What? I can't hear you. If you brought the data, set it down over there. ...Do I know you?
Shion: No, I am merely a stranger who looks exactly like your daughter... who I have also never met.
Allen: Sounds believable. I believe it.
Suou: We're pressed for time. How's Febronia?
U-TIC researcher: Stressed out.
Suou: Good. Let's continue.
[SHION approaches the research subject in the bed.]
Shion: Mom!
Allen: goddammit, shion
Suou: You there, forward the analysis data log. I want to confirm the error in sequence 306.
Shion: What is this? Mom is being used in an experiment?
Allen: YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT.
Suou: Ignoring that sentence that makes no sense and thus must have been a result of your Tourettes or something, I dunno, hurry up and do that thing I said!
Shion: Isn't she a member of your family?!
Allen: stop it stop it right now oh my god stop before you kill us both
Suou: Huh?
Shion: What kind of experiment is this? How can you use a member of your family as a test subject?
Allen: if we made it this long, i didn't think i'd be mad about it, but i really, really am
Suou: I don't know what you're talking about.
Allen: ...
Allen: You know, I just remembered that Suou Uzuki is an Uzuki.
Allen: Clearly we have nothing to fear.
Shion: Never overestimate an Uzuki, Allen.
Shion: Anyway, dad, I'm talking about the atrocity of using a member of your own family as a test subject! I mean, it's impossible to remain impartial. Plus, I don't think you have a control group, and this study definitely isn't double blind. It's just bad science all around.
Suou: It's necessary.
Shion: It's necessary to be incompetent?
Suou: Yes.
Shion: Oh.
Shion: ...I guess that is consistent with what I know about U-TIC.
Shion: Okay, new argument: have you even looked at this personal data? It's clear your test subjects are suffering. Were they fully informed about the risks when they consented to this?
Suou: They're not suffering, that data is nothing more than peripheral nerve reflexes. You're distorting the truth to see what you want to see.
Shion: I REJECT YOUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN!
Suou: SINCE WHEN DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE RANK TO QUESTION THIS PROJECT?
Shion: SINCE I TRAVELED BACK IN TIME AND DECIDED TO SNEAK IN HERE AND ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT IT.
Suou: ...
Suou: Damn.
Suou: According to U-TIC's Code of Conduct, you actually outrank me, then.
[YOUNG SHION appears.]
Young!Shion: Daddy?
Suou: Shion! How many times do I have to tell you, you need permission to come here?
Shion: What? But you just said I outra- wait, shit, never mind, I get it.
Young!Shion: But I'm worried about Mom!
Suou: Today isn't a visitation day. You know that. Now, hurry home.
Young!Shion: But-
Shion: I'll escort her out.
Young!Shion: Oh... you're the lady from earlier who looks exactly like me.
Suou: You? I'm not sure about that. For one thing, I'm pretty sure you're a spy.
Shion: I'm sorry for how I acted. I'm fatigued and a little emotional right now.
Allen: Our main character, ladies and gentlemen.
Shion: I AM JUST SUCH A GIRL AND I DO GIRLY THINGS AND I SHOULD NOT QUESTION MEN
Suou: Sounds plausible. This IS the 1950s United States, right?
Shion: yeah sure.
Suou: well then, take good care of my daughter. Make sure she gets home safely.
[ALLEN and the SHIONs (also a good name for a band) exit SUOU's room.]
Shion: That went pretty well.
Allen: Yes.
Young!Shion: I don't want to go home yet. I want to take some flowers to the wounded soldier!
[YOUNG SHION picks some flowers from the hospital garden. YOUNG KEVIN approaches.]
Kevin: Are you slacking, you slacker?
Shion: You know, you'd really like this other guy I know. Name's Vanderkam. I should introduce you two.
Kevin: You realize this is a WARZONE, right?
Shion: oh so i'll just let mr. uzuki's daughter run off on her own then
Shion: and tell him that you told me it was a good idea
Kevin: ...
Shion: ...
Kevin: please don't?
Shion: Is your name REALLY Kevin Winnicot?
Kevin: Is it that unusual?
Shion: yes.
Shion: ...
Shion: Better than Roth Mantel, though.
Kevin: What?
Shion: Never mind, let's go Allen.
[They return to the church and find JIN treating VIRGIL.]
Shion: ...So Allen, all that stuff about how we had to stay on the Elsa?
Allen: I don't think it's a coincidence that the only people who left were both Uzukis.
Shion: Touche.
Jin: Shion?
Shion: ...
Shion: HAHAHA
Shion: YES
Shion: I HAVE BROUGHT SHION HERE
Jin: Oh shit, right. Uh... what brings you here, Shion?
[YOUNG SHION gives the flowers to VIRGIL.]
Virgil: What? Flowers? NO THANKS, BRO
Shion: Virgil just take the damn flowers.
Virgil: ...Fine.
[VIRGIL takes them.]
Shion: Now what do you say?
Virgil: ...ugh
Virgil: thank you for the flowers
Young!Shion: You're welcome!
Virgil: goddammit
[FEBRONIA enters.]
Febronia: Seems like you're all having fun.
Virgil: STAY BACK, U-TIC REALIAN!
Shion: Stop that, Virgil.
Virgil: Do you know how many of my comrades have died because of them?!
Shion: She saved your life.
Virgil: I didn't ask for that! It makes me sick, thinking I've got a piece of you in me! If I could move now, I'd kill myself!
Shion: wow, what a fantastic soldier
Shion: "the enemy saved my life, but killed lots of my frieds. the best thing to do in this situation is KILL MYSELF"
Virgil: ...
Shion: ...
Virgil: ...
Shion: ...
Virgil: If anyone needs me, I'll be asleep.
Shion: I don't think sleep works that way.
Virgil: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW ASLEEP I AM
[Everyone exits. FEBRONIA and YOUNG SHION kneel in the main room of the church to pray.]
Febronia: What are you going to pray for?
Young!Shion: For my mom to get better. Oh, and for the soldier to get better, too.
Febronia: That's a good idea. Let's pray together.
[SHION and JIN watch them.]
Shion: Shion prayed, but the prayer was absorbed by the darkness!
Jin: Stop that. C'mon, let's go.
[We now join SELLERS and MARGULIS (yes this is still in the past, you can tell because MARGULIS doesn't have a scar).]
Sellers: blah blah blah kevin working with us blah blah wants to turn mizrahi into a scapegoat
Margulis: descent operation?
Sellers: y-data!
Margulis: zohar activation.
Sellers: So what's the plan?
Margulis: ...We have plans? I thought we just sorta phoned it in.
END OF CHAPTER 5 [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode III, click to show][FEBRONIA is taking care of VIRGIL.]
Virgil: Can I ask you something? Why did you save me?
Febronia: Because I wanted to.
Virgil: That isn't an answer. You could be executed for helping an enemy combatant.
Febronia: I really, really wanted to.
Virgil: THAT ISN'T AN ANSWER.
Febronia: You should try to get some sleep.
Virgil: Don't tell me what to do!
[VIRGIL lies down in bed.]
Virgil: ...I'm just tired, that's all. I-I'm not doing because I l-like you and appreciate y-your advice or anything!
Febronia: Right.
[YOUNG SHION is planting flowers in front of the hospital. YOUNG KEVIN shows up to antagonize her.]
Kevin: planting flowers is stupid. you are stupid.
Young!Shion: it's not stupid! you're stupid.
Kevin: Listen, humans fight, and conquer, and eat other organisms. That's the most basic functions of human life.
Young!Shion: ...No the most basic functions of human life are "eat, drink, find shelter, and reproduce". Fighting doesn't really factor in.
Kevin: Whenever two people both desire something they cannot both possess, they are in the state that is known as war, and will-
Young!Shion: Oh don't paraphrase Hobbes at me. I wrote the book on Hobbes.
Kevin: Flowers are dumb. Besides, you should have planted them in the actual flower garden.
Young!Shion: ...so flowers aren't dumb in a general sense, only in this specific instance.
Kevin: What? No. I mean uh... Dammit, I lost track of how I was trying to troll you.
Young!Shion: If you're just going to sit there, make yourself useful and water those flowers.
[YOUNG SHION tries to force a watering can on KEVIN, but he resists. She ends up getting him wet and lying on top of him.]
The player: This is REALLY creepy.
The player: Like, not even Albedo creepy, where it was intentional.
The player: This is just ill-advised. On every level.
[KEVIN tries to water some flowers but fucks it up.]
Young!Shion: No, not like that. You have to treat them delicately. Like a woman.
Young!Shion: ...incidentally, i'm a really cheap date
[SUOU UZUKI appears from inside the hospital.]
Suou: Shion!
Young!Shion: I'm coming!
The player: Oh thank god. Suou Uzuki officially best character in the series for ending that scene.
[We now join the ELSA.]
Shion: So can you fix KOS-MOS?
Professor: Beats me. We can restore her body, but there are too many parts we still don't understand. She still might not be able to reboot.
Scott: She's completely different from the Erde Kaiser, the field in which we specialize.
Allen: The Erde Kaiser is a field now?
Shion: The Erde Kaiser is whatever it wants to be, because it's the fucking Erde Kaiser.
Professor: KOS-MOS doesn't even transform, much less combine!
Allen: What the?! That's not the problem!
Shion: It is a problem, though.
Professor: We'll do our best. After all, we don't get many chances to play around with this baby! Uwahahahahahaha!
Scott: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Allen: are you sure about this, shion. they might make it even worse.
Shion: The professor is like a mix of Professor Farnsworth and Master Roshi. I have full confidence in his abilities.
Scott: While we work, you should check out the new game in the lounge.
Shion: Minigames? In an RPG? I don't fucking think so, no thank you.
[They head to the lounge.]
Shion: I get the feeling I'm not going to be allowed to progress unless I play this.
Shion: Luckily, I also get the feeling the game is too dumb to tell whether I actually played it, or just logged in and then exitted immediately.
Jr.: Wow, that was actually pretty fun.
Shion: Abusing game mechanics is half the fun of playing games.
Jr.: Speaking of which, I wish we still had Erde Kaiser.
Shion: yes. Anyway, I'm sorry for worrying you all.
Jr.: Worrying us? We've got a pool going on when you keel over for good.
Ziggy: Jr.! You can't just tell her, it'll rig the odds.
Shion: hate you guys
[SHION goes to rest in her room. Meanwhile...]
Professor: It's not working. KOS-MOS won't reboot.
Scott: It could be a lack of love and courage!
Professor: Well, they are the magic that turns dreams into reality. You there, go fetch your lady friend. I want the opinion of an expert.
Allen: I'm an expert!
Professor: I want the opinion of a REAL expert.
Allen: ...then why ask shion.
Allen: she thinks "logical drive" is what you put your car in when you need to go up a steep incline.
Professor: JUST DO IT
Allen: FINE
[ALLEN exits.]
Scott: ...it could also be all the spare parts you left out
Professor: No, it's probably nothing. Just whack her a few times.
Scott: .......that doesn't seem like a good idea.
[As ALLEN leaves the scene, BLACK TESTAMENT warps in. We now join SHION, who is... in the shower... god fucking dammit.]
Shion: Very soon... So many lives will be extinguished... And I alone could prevent that. But is that "logical"? Is that what I "should" do? KOS-MOS... what would you do if you were here?
KOS-MOS: I would kill everyone so that they won't die during the catastrophe in a few days.
Shion: ...
Shion: Never mind. KOS-MOS' viewpoint is fucking worthless in situations like this.
[ALLEN pages SHION. She appears, NAKED, on the videophone.]
Allen: Shion, the Professor wants to-asdfghjkl
Shion: Allen?
Allen: i'm okay i just fell i'm still here
Shion: What about the Professor?
Allen: KOS-MOS won't reboot. He wants your opinion.
Shion: Okay. I'll be right th-
[Suddenly, an explosion!]
Allen: Chief! Are you okay?!
[ALLEN busts down the door and finds SHION, fully dressed.]
Allen: ...how
Shion: you sound disappointed
Allen: i thought this game made more sense than this. this is some romantic comedy bullshit right here.
[They hurry down to the basement, where BLACK TESTAMENT is already fighting the ELSA crew. He's also trying to steal KOS-MOS, and looks like a cheap DARTH VADER. JUNIOR and TONY shoot at him, but it doesn't work.]
Jr.: Damn you!
Tony: Good contribution, Little Master.
[MATTHEWS and chaos carry SCOTT and THE PROFESSOR away as ZIGGY arrives.]
Ziggy: Jr., let me handle this.
Jr.: Old man!
Ziggy: It's okay. I'm perfectly calm this time.
Jr.: I'm more worried about how useless you always are.
Ziggy: It'll be fine. Watch. VOYAGER! What is your objective? Why are you here?
[BLACK TESTAMENT blasts ZIGGY, but JIN cuts down the energy blast. ZIGGY then leaps at BLACK TESTAMENT, but gets owned.]
Jr.: sigh
[SHION and ALLEN appear.]
Jr.: Shion, stay back! Clearly our approach of "shoot him with guns that do nothing" is working!
[SHION sees that BLACK TESTAMENT is trying to steal KOS-MOS.]
Shion: ...
Shion: You break into my ship, and try to steal my robot? I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong. WE MUST KUNG-FU FIGHT!
[SHION tries a flying lunge at BLACK TESTAMENT (this actually happens), but he blocks her and starts to FORCE CHOKE her (this also actually happens).]
Professor: I knew it.
Scott: Yeah. It's "that"!
Allen: What are you talking about?!
Professor & Scott: LOVE AND COURAGE!
[KOS-MOS punches out of her stasis chamber and grabs BLACK TESTAMENT's hand. She then chucks him across the room as she fully emerges from the chamber.]
Shion: KOS-MOS!
[BLACK TESTAMENT tries to FORCE PUSH various objects at KOS-MOS, but she grabs them out of midair and throws them back or uses them as melee weapons.]
Jr.: She's way more powerful than she was before!
Shion: Why do you say that?
Jr.: Before, she used guns and lasers and shit. Now she's fighting enemies the CORRECT way... through the most inefficient means possible!
KOS-MOS: Shion, I will require your assistance to defeat this foe.
Shion: Count on it.
Jr.: What? What the fuck can Shion do? I take back everything good I just said about you, KOS-MOS.
BOSS FIGHT:
BLACK TESTAMENT
Shion: Let's get some Analysis all up ins.
[BLACK TESTAMENT is smiling at KOS-MOS!]
Shion: Yeah, smile while you can, you smug son of a bitch.
Shion: Quick!
Shion: Slow!
Shion: Steal!
Shion: Okay guys, unload on him with Fire attacks and break moves.
[BLACK TESTAMENT stopped smiling.]
Jin: This is like watching a cat play with a mouse.
[BLACK TESTAMENT stole HP from SHION!]
Jin: Look. They're letting him do that so he can survive more attacks so they can increase the boost meter and finish him with a special attack.
MOMO: Geez.
Jr.: I guess it makes sense that Ziggy's nemesis is also terrible at everything.
Jin: I was trying to avoid saying something like that, but yes.
[After the battle, BLACK TESTAMENT is, surprise surprise, completely unharmed.]
Ziggy: How long do you plan to keep doing this? Where will your mad quest for power end... Erich?!
Black Testament: ...
Ziggy: ...You don't think you've won, do you?
[KOS-MOS appears behind BLACK TESTAMENT.]
KOS-MOS: Your member address, please.
[KOS-MOS stabs BLACK TESTAMENT through the chest, but he crashes through the ELSA's walls to get her off of him.]
Red Testament: You've wasted too much time playing around. If she's awakened, we need to plan our next move.
Black Testament: ...A pity. Looks like your time is up. Goodbye.
[BLACK TESTAMENT leaves.]
Jr.: What an awful antagonist. Ziggy, I'm disappointed with you slightly more than usual.
MOMO: Are we safe now?
Jin: Yes. We're safe for now, MOMO. But it wouldn't have ended well for us if we had kept on fighting.
Ziggy: What? But he couldn't even damage us. By the end we were just toying with him. We could have continued that fight indefinitely.
Jin: Wouldn't. Have ended. Well for us.
[SHION hugs KOS-MOS.]
Shion: KOS-MOS... Thank goodness. I was so worried.
KOS-MOS: Shion, it appears that I have caused you undue emotional stress. I must apologize.
Shion: Damn right you should apologize! Just what were you thinking, young lady?!
KOS-MOS: I wasn't-
Shion: And don't say "I wasn't thinking"! I was... really... worried about...
[SHION passes out.]
KOS-MOS: Shion?
Jin: Shion?
Allen: Chief?!
Jr.: I win the pool!
[SHION appears at the monochrome beach.]
Shion: Oh right, this.
Shion: ...
Shion: It's been a long time coming, beach.
[She sees JOACHIM MIZRAHI.]
Joachim: The relationships between people are like waves. They always ebb and flow.
Shion: The relationships between people are like a pineapple. They're pretty okay, but they're a hassle compared to like a banana, and they cost more too.
Joachim: Did you come here just to mock me?
Shion: No, but while I'm here I figured I might as well.
Joachim: Young lady, do you love your father?
Shion: I dunno. He's kind of a jerk. Also probably evil.
Joachim: Parents and children, too, could be said to be like waves.
Shion: ...
Joachim: ...
Shion: ...
Joachim: Go ahead. Make a pineapple comparison.
Shion: No, it's quite all right. That simile was kind of fruity.
Joachim: ...
Joachim: i hate you
Shion: What was your relationship to my father?
Joachim: What good will knowing that do?
Shion: It might allow me to make an incredibly important decision in the very near future more easily.
Joachim: Oh.
Joachim: ...
Joachim: Well I'm still not gonna tell you.
Shion: "oh"
Joachim: Words can completely change their meaning depending on the listener. They can change into good ones or into bad.
Shion: Power Word: Kill.
Joachim: Some words cannot be conveyed.
Shion: 'nakama'
Joachim: What one thinks is good will not always lead to good results.
Shion: Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Joachim: ...did I turn on Prinny Commentary or something? What are you doing?
Shion: trying to stay awake.
Joachim: Well, you're a scientist too, I suppose you know all this already.
Shion: Know all of what already?
Joachim: ...
Shion: ...
Joachim: ...
Shion: i am a scientist
Joachim: That man's words are merely shackles.
Shion: That man? Do you mean my dad, or... fuck, there's no way you mean my dad. You mean like Kevin or some shit, right? That's the plot twist here.
Joachim: He is a man possessed by his own narrow-minded ego. He brings suffering to all those he comes into contact with.
Shion: .........You're not talking about me, right?
Joachim: Right.
Shion: Okay, just checking.
Joachim: I promised Sakura. I would make a world in which all wills that have yet to be born can live in happiness. I want you to live in a world like that, too. That is my wish.
Shion: Okay, this isn't Xenosaga 1 anymore. You don't have to shoehorn in "will" anymore. Now we're all about Zarathustra.
Joachim: Don't do anything you don't want to. Be true to your feelings.
Shion: That is a really, really bad lesson to trust me with. You're basically handing me a get out of jail free card.
Joachim: If you do that, she will answer your call.
[SHION and JOACHIM turn around, mimicking the scene that shows on the game's title screen. They see a familiar looking woman standing in a field.]
Shion: KOS-MOS?
Shion: ...
Shion: Do you mean-
Joachim: NOT talking about a booty call.
Shion: DAMMIT
[SHION wakes up in her room. JIN is watching over her.]
Shion: Jin?
Jin: You fainted from exhaustion. You really should rest more. Or do you refuse to hear advice from a quack?
Shion: I refuse to hear advice from someone who doesn't realize that there is a serious, underlying issue here, beyond mere exhaustion.
Jin: Oh. I see.
Shion: Jin, I met dad.
Jin: Did you now?
Shion: He's sort of a dick.
Jin: Yup.
Shion: ...You're not going to ask what we talked about?
Jin: Like you said, he's a dick, and you're you. You can't even stay composed long enough to have conversations with normal people.
Shion: YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH
Shion: ...
Shion: Ah.
Jin: You are enlightened.
[ALLEN enters the room to bring some food to SHION, but upon seeing that she's awake and having an interesting conversation, decides to eavesdrop. What a great friend.]
Shion: If we can stop the Organization's Zohar experiment, we may be able to prevent Miltia's space-time anomaly...
Jin: ...and we might be able to save Mother and the others.
Shion: And using the Vessels of Anima, we might be able to return to our own time. AND we might find out what Professor Mizrahi was really trying to do.
Jin: Didn't we determine that he was basically a pawn who decided at the last minute, "screw THIS noise" and tried to damage control?
Shion: Eh.
Jin: The risk is too great.
Shion: Yeah. A planet gets destroyed and also part of the universe might implode vs. question marks. SO RISKY.
Jin: I question your methodology.
Shion: Don't try to stop me. This is my backstory. It'll go the way I want it to... or I'll end it here!
[SHION storms out, completely missing ALLEN.]
Jin: Shion... you need your past to be who you are now.
Jin: ...............
Jin: Make sure you change it thoroughly.
[Later, the party is meeting in the gunroom to strategize.]
Professor: ...In theory this plan could work.
chaos: we won't be able to infiltrate labyrinthos easily.
Shion: You mean, aside from the IDs I've forged, the fact we've all been there at least once before, and our complete disregard for the lives of people who oppose us?
chaos: yes.
chaos: aside from that.
Professor: At any rate, our presence here is causing an expanding distortion that could destroy the ENTIIIIIRE universe. We must move quickly.
Ziggy: But won't that change history?
Professor: SCREW history! Let's get the hell out of here!
Jr.: I like this plan. Let's move. We've only got a few days... but that's more than enough to ram a ship into anything that moves.
[The entire party, plus PROFESSOR and SCOTT, leave the ELSA.]
Mai: STOP RIGHT THERE
Jr.: Oh crap. EVERYONE SCATTER.
KOS-MOS: Wait, what?
[They later regroup outside the hospital.]
KOS-MOS: I can't help but notice you all abandoned me back there.
Shion: I tried to go back but Jr. said it wasn't worth it.
Jr.: Because I figured KOS-MOS' first move would be to shoot her and I thought you'd just muck it up.
KOS-MOS: About that. She has a lot of HP. I actually ran out of bullets and was forced to flee.
[They enter the hospital.]
Shion: We can enter Labyrinthos through that door.
Ziggy: There are guards.
Jr.: THESE IDs WILL TAKE US AS FAR AS WE NEED TO GO
Allen: Actually, they're no good past this point.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: Shion, you are the worst infiltrator.
Shion: I got us in the front door, didn't I? I saved us from having to fight, like, maybe one extra encounter. And you're not even thankful.
Ziggy: Anyway, we'll just brute force our way in.
Jr.: Yeah, we'll have to fight eventually. Might as well get it out of the way now.
Shion: That makes sense. If we fight these guards now, we'll never have to fight any more guards later.
MOMO: That's how logic works!
[They defeat the guards and enter LABYRINTHOS. They make their way to a room with an elevator and a regular exit.]
Shion: This elevator leads to Mom's room... There's no reason to go this way right now.
Jin: You know, we could split up.
Shion: That is true. We have multiple tasks to accomplish and there are seven of us.
chaos: plus, we did it in xenosaga 1.
Shion: Yeah, but let's not.
Party: Agreed.
[They move on through the door.]
KOS-MOS: This elevator will take us down to where they are storing the Vessels of Anima. There are no other paths that will lead us there.
Shion: Okay, then let's try every other path first.
KOS-MOS: ...why
Shion: Because this is a JRPG and there might be goodies.
[They head down the other path and find a huge, sprawling area.]
Jr.: This is not a side path. You sure we're supposed to be here already?
Shion: I think we were supposed to try the elevator, learn that it doesn't want us, and seek an alternate path.
KOS-MOS: No alternate paths exist.
chaos: shion's theory sounds about right. let's look around for another way down.
Party: Yeah!
KOS-MOS: ........................i hate everything [/spoiler]
---
"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
i think my writeups contain more text than the actual games do. admittedly, like 99% of that in my case is ellipses.
[Spoiler for Xenosaga Episode III, click to show][The group moves on and sees JOACHIM and SELLERS up ahead.]
Sellers: Stop being a chicken, you chicken. BWAK BWAK BWAAAAAAK
Joachim: You don't need me for this. You and Winnicot came up with the plan.
Sellers: In that case, I'm going to take over management myself! How do you like that?!
Joachim: ..........It's exactly what I wanted, so I like it a lot, I guess.
Sellers: ...
Sellers: oh.
[SELLERS exits and JOACHIM returns to his room.]
MOMO: Daddy!
[MOMO runs off, into JOACHIM's room.]
Party: ...
chaos: ...should we have maybe stopped her?
Shion: Eh.
Jr.: What's the worst that could happen?
KOS-MOS: Our entire plan could go to hell as a direct result of this, and thus lead to the destruction of the universe.
Shion: Meh.
chaos: you guys realize she's momo right? every time we leave her alone for five seconds, we're lucky if she just gets kidnapped instead of getting kidnapped while being set on fire.
Jr.: She'll be fine.
chaos: she's never fine! she only has two modes: "kidnapped" and "about to be kidnapped"!
[MOMO eventually returns.]
MOMO: I talked with Daddy. He called me his second daughter. He said he's going to protect the world for us...
Jr.: Yeah well he did a bang-up job with that.
MOMO: ...
Jr.: I mean uh... I'm happy for you, MOMO.
[JUNIOR and MOMO hug.]
Shion: d'awwwwwwwww
Jr.: you realize I'm like thirty, right?
Shion: You clearly did not see the cutscene with me and Kevin at the start of this chapter.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: and now i really don't want to
[They move on and see YOUNG KEVIN and SUOU UZUKI leaving a room. They enter said room.]
chaos: looks like kevin's private room.
Shion: Yes, you can tell from all the personal items strewn about. Oh wait.
chaos: i have a sixth sense for these things.
Shion: More than somebody who was literally dating him?
Jr.: Is that what you kids are calling it these days?
Shion: I said literally dating just to try to prevent a comment like that, you know.
Jr.: And it didn't work. Yet another thing you're terrible at.
MOMO: Shion! You need to see this name on the list of test subjects!
Shion: Quiet MOMO, the adults are talking.
MOMO: ...
MOMO: It says "Shion Uzuki".
Shion: That's impossible. I'm the only one named Shion Uzuki.
MOMO: ........
MOMO: Welp. I tried.
Jin: We should leave this room. Quickly. Before something incriminating is found.
Shion: ...jin. what did you do.
Jin: Ah...
Shion: WHAT DID YOU DO JIN
[Meanwhile, SCOTT is dicking around with the computer terminal. He opens shutters, revealing grotesque creatures in stasis capsules in the adjacent room.]
Shion: ...oh fucking wonderful, this is exactly what i needed right now
Professor: Are those combat Realians?
Jr.: They may not look like it, but yes! They're the Realian prototypes used by U-TIC during the Miltian Conflict.
Shion: Those are the Realians that killed Mom! Why are they here?
Jr.: I thought your mom was killed by Gnosis.
Shion: No it was definitely combat Realians.
Jr.: Then how come they all merged together into a giant Gnosis when we revisited that part of your backstory?
Shion: ...that never happened.
Jr.: THEY BECAME FUCKING TIAMAT HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT REMEMBER
Shion: Didn't happen. Moving on. Why are they here?
Professor: I'd imagine they were developed here.
Shion: No, it can't be! Kevin killed Mom?! There's no way that can be true!
Jr.: What? No. We just established that combat Realians killed your mom.
Shion: No we didn't.
Jr.: what the fu-YES WE DID
Shion: no i'm pretty sure it was gnosis
Jr.: ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL
[SHION's group notices a shiny thing.]
Shion: This keycard will let us activate that elevator.
KOS-MOS: Assuming it wasn't operational already.
Shion: THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW
[The party takes the main elevator down and find another elevator.]
Jin: It will be difficult to go through the main route. We should use the elevator to enter from the back. Don't worry... I've actually used it before.
Shion: It's a fucking elevator. No one was worried and we don't need expertise. You are such a blowhard.
[SHION goes to press the elevator button.]
Elevator: Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Shion: is it
Shion: is it growling at me
Jin: Easssssy, girl! Oh, you've really pissed her off now.
Shion: what
chaos: this is why you're supposed to leave this to experts, shion.
Jin: chaos, could you hand me my elevator net?
chaos: here you go.
Jin: Okay. We're gonna do this reallll slow.
Shion: WHAT IS GOING ON
[They take the elevator down and cross a large, metal railing, directly above the main route (which is heavily populated).]
SFX: CLANK CLANK CLANK
Jr.: Could somebody please tape some oven mitts to Ziggy's feet?
SFX: CLANK CLANK CLANK
Jr.: ...And KOS-MOS' feet?
Shion: CLANK CLANK CLANK
Jr.: And maybe shove one in Shion's mouth?
[They proceed across the railing into the next room, which is a hangar. PROTO OMEGA is visible, and three figures are on the scene: SUOU UZUKI, MARGULIS, and YOUNG KEVIN.]
Jr.: Can anyone hear what they're saying?
Party: Nope.
chaos: i think we can safely assume they're discussing generic, evil plans...
KOS-MOS: Which probably involve the Zohar and the test subjects...
Jin: As well as the U-TIC Organization's objective...
Shion: ...And probably something about Vector's help.
MOMO: Or they're talking about the weather.
[The group moves on and takes yet another elevator to a room with VESSELS OF ANIMA.]
KOS-MOS: There are 11 cages containing Vessels of Anima. Simeon, Dinah, Zebulun, Reuben, Levi, Issachar, Gad, Joseph, Dan, Naphtali, and Judah.
Shion: ...Dan? From accounting?
KOS-MOS: The very same. Also, Asher's cage is empty.
Jr.: What does that imply?
KOS-MOS: Meh.
Shion: Wait, weren't the E.S.s developed at Vector? Are we dealing with a retcon here or...
Ziggy: Not really a retcon if they didn't even establish what an E.S. was until the second game.
Shion: ...Touche, Ziggurat.
Jin: I imagine there was some kind of backdoor weapons deal going on.
Jr.: Yeah, these are so valuable, they're even more important than profit concerns!
Professor: ..............
[THE PROFESSOR hits JUNIOR in the back of the head with a wrench.]
Jr.: AUGH
Professor: Quit saying immeasurably stupid things and get to work!
[The VESSELS OF ANIMA are stolen and returned to the E.S.s.]
Jr.: What about Asher? Don't tell me we can't use it!
chaos: it's not even your mech!
Jr.: I stole it, that makes it mine.
chaos: "oh"
Jr.: QED MOTHERFUCKER
Professor: I thought we'd use a different Vessel of Anima, but it seems that won't work.
Jr.: Gee, did the fact that they're coded by name not tip you off?
Professor: ...So instead we're going to use a reactor built for the Erde Kaiser.
Jr.: Makes perfect sense.
Jr.: Clearly that will be compatible when other Vessels of Anima failed.
Professor: It's already working, so yes.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: fucking hate this setting.
Jr.: chaos, say something!
chaos: this plan sounds reasonable and sure to succeed.
Jr.: ...say something else.
chaos: i wish there was an erde kaiser reactor in every e.s.?
Jr.: ............
Jr.: Something else.
[Suddenly, an alarm!]
Jr.: WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED!
Professor: Well, we did use their mainframe to do all the work on the E.S.s.
Shion: We also broke in and killed like 200 guards, leaving a trail of mutilated bodies that led directly here.
KOS-MOS: Not to mention we stole a keycard and thus changed the security level, which would tell them exactly where we were headed.
Jr.: ...
Jr.: ...so why did it take them so long?
Shion: i don't know if you've noticed this, but
Shion: they. are. not. competent.
Jr.: chaos, back me up here.
chaos: she's right, they're not competent.
Jr.: NOT ABOUT THAT
chaos: oh
chaos: about what, then?
Jr.: goddammit chaos
chaos: ...so can we leave or what?
Jr.: i hate you so much right now
[They begin escaping in their AMWSs. However, all of a sudden the E.S.s start glowing again.]
Jr.: ...are they going to shut down again?
Jr.: FUCK THIS GAME
chaos: no, the vessels of anima are just resonating with our will to power.
Jr.: you sure zarathustra isn't involved instead? maybe he can pied piper them over to a place beyond good and evil. ...freaks.
Jin: Our consciousnesses and the Vessels of Anima have begun to synchronize! Synch ratio 90%! 100%! 110%! Still rising! AT THIS RATE OUR SOUL/BODY BARRIERS WILL DISSOLVE.
Shion: shut up, jin.
Jin: i played ryoji kaji you know.
Shion: shut up, jin.
Jr.: Is this what Virgil meant when he said all that stupid crap before?
Ziggy: I don't know, but I have a feeling his words did mean something.
Shion: Wanna bet?
Ziggy: .........no.
[The E.S.s stop resonating.]
chaos: controlling them is even harder than before. be careful and don't lose control.
Jin: Unless you need to go Berserker to win a fight.
chaos: stop it jin.
[The party moves on.]
chaos: wilhelm, what are you trying to use this power for?
Shion: chaos, stop hiding plot details from the party.
chaos: what? i'm not.
Jr.: Seriously man, it's kind of a dick move. We're trying to save the universe here.
chaos: i don't know what you're talking about. i'm not hiding anything relevant.
Shion: What was that?
chaos: nothing.
[Meanwhile, PELLEGRI is doing what she's good at - being completely useless.]
Pellegri: It's 14 years ago, but I look exactly the same age, and my competence is at around the same level too. How could the intruders have completed the E.S.s before we did?!
U-TIC soldier: What are your orders?
Pellegri: Prepare the interstellar strategic integrated weapon system!
U-TIC soldier: It's not balanced yet!
Pellegri: Release it anyway! We'll make a super interstellar strategic integrated weapon system later and sell it for full price! Capture those AMWSs at any cost!
U-TIC soldier: Yes, ma'am!
[Meanwhile, the party has fully equipped their E.S.s and are tearing shit up with LEVEL 2 ANIMA AWAKENINGS.]
Shion: at long last, i have realized my dream of being the main character of a golden sun game, and spamming summons at the start of every encounter.
[Just as they're about to escape, they pick up an enemy transmission.]
Transmission: ...Zohar test... subject... provide... curity... fix... shoddy transmission... Aoi Uzuki... prepped... in hospit... ward...
Shion: Mom!
[SHION hops out of the E.S.]
KOS-MOS: Shion! Stop being enigmatic right now! You get back here right this instant, young lady!
Shion: HOW'S THIS FOR SOME ROLE REVERSAL KOS-MOS
KOS-MOS: Horrible. You are not as competent as I am. You're seriously going to die.
Jr.: Shion?! Where do you think you're going?! Dammit, we have to get her!
chaos: jr., i didn't think you cared.
Jr.: I said I'd kill her later and I meant that. If she disappears into the enemy base I might miss my chance.
chaos: sigh
[The E.S.s are attacked from off-screen.]
chaos: we'll deal with shion later!
Jin: This enemy mobile craft... it looks... familiar...
BOSS FIGHT:
OMEGA UNIVERSITAS
Universitas: HADOKEN
Universitas: HADOKEN
Universitas: HADOKEN
Universitas: SHORYUKEN
Universitas: HADOKEN
Jin: Ah, I remember. It's usually known by its nickname, Hadoken, because it's downright fierce.
Jr.: Damn! U-TIC must have made some backdoor weapons deals with Capcom, as well!
KOS-MOS: In that case, we must win quickly, before another ten rehashes of this enemy unit are released.
[They fight, but the OMEGA UNIVERSITAS' kung-fu is stronger than theirs.]
chaos: did it just combo me down to 175 hp from full?!
Jr.: Rare footage of chaos actually angry... The Universitas' turtle sty-
chaos: stop trying to recreate evo moment #37 and help me!
Jr.: aww
[They manage to knock off most of the OMEGA UNIVERSITAS' HP.]
Jin: It's no good! There's only one way to kill a Capcom franchise!
MOMO: What's that?
Jin: Cut its budget!
Jin: And my name is Jin. Jin Uzuki. The sword that smites evil! There's nothing my Colossal Blade cannot cut!
[JIN finishes the UNIVERSITAS with his BFS.]
Jr.: ...how the hell is it still moving?
Jin: Damn! They must be trying to reboot the entire series!
[The UNIVERSITAS activates glowy wings, but then immediately falls apart.]
MOMO: What happened?
Jin: Series reboots almost never work. KOS-MOS, where's Shion?
KOS-MOS: What am I, her keeper?
Jin: ...
Jin: yes.
KOS-MOS: ...
KOS-MOS: 13th Administration Wing.
Jin: Okay! We have to go save her!
Jr.: Yes! Let's "save" her right away!
[Enemies pour out of the base.]
Jin: Never mind. It's too dangerous. Let's retreat.
Jr.: What about Shion? They might finish her off before we get our chance.
Jin: It's all right. She's not a child... she just acts like one and is around the same level of intelligence. But she's a main character. She has a way of getting out of shit like this.
MOMO: By "way" you mean "plot fiat", right?
Jin: Is there any other way?
MOMO: Actual competence?
Jin: Actual what now?
[SHION is searching for her mom, but suddenly RED TESTAMENT bars her way.]
Red Testament: Shion.
Shion: Get outta my way, Testament. I don't have time for a boss fight right now.
Red Testament: What's the matter? Have you forgotten me?
[RED TESTAMENT takes off his mask, to reveal that he is KEVIN WINNICOT.]
Shion: ...
Red Testament: ...you don't look surprised.
Shion: Everyone already figured this out.
Red Testament: They al- wait, what?
Shion: I mean, to be fair, I just thought you were actually Roth Mantel. But then it turned out that Roth Mantel was Red Testament, so...
Red Testament: How did you know I was Roth Mantel?
Shion: HALT, MENTOR!
Red Testament: ...I don't follow.
Shion: Never mind.
Red Testament: Anyway, I've come back for you, Shion.
Red Testament: That said, I'm not gonna do anything when like fifty soldiers tackle you... nnnnnow.
[Like fifty soldiers tackle SHION.]
Shion: ...
Shion: eh, still more help than i'd have gotten from the actual party.
END OF CHAPTER 6 [/spoiler]
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
Allen: That seems incredibly unlikely, and given we have virtual reality and a lot of enemies who like screwing with us, I'm much more inclined to believe it's that.
Shion: BUT IT SEEMS SO REAL
Allen: More real than any of the other times we've "traveled back in time" via the Encephalon?
Shion: Not really.
Allen: QED.
Silly Allen, what does he know?
Allen: ...
Allen: You know, I just remembered that Suou Uzuki is an Uzuki.
Allen: Clearly we have nothing to fear.
Shion: Never overestimate an Uzuki, Allen.
wise words
Virgil: If anyone needs me, I'll be asleep.
Shion: I don't think sleep works that way.
Virgil: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW ASLEEP I AM
Virgil the best.
[SHION passes out.]
KOS-MOS: Shion?
Jin: Shion?
Allen: Chief?!
Jr.: I win the pool!
yessssssssssssssss [/spoiler]
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
So let's see what happens with that.
I booted up the game and was dropped into a world with no items, no sense of direction, and no tutorial. I walked around and punched sheep and trees for a while until I realized I had no idea wtf I was even supposed to be doing. After checking the Newbie FAQ on GameFAQs, I determined that my priorities were:
0) Set difficulty to "peaceful" until I figure out how the game works.
1) Punch trees for wood.
2) Craft a crafting table.
3) Craft a wooden axe.
4) Chop down trees for wood.
5) Craft the rest of the wooden items.
6) Build a home base.
After doing 1-5 and finding a suitable location for my base - I found a small mountain that I could build the base into the side of - I got to work on clearing out a decent sized living quarters. In my new home I dropped my Crafting Table, and proceeded to craft up a Furnace and Chest, as well as a slew of Stone tools, which were a huge upgrade from wood.
My next order of business was to start mining, and I had scarcely gone 5 blocks down, in a stairway-like pattern, before I happened upon a chamber, naturally formed, just below my base. I was investigating it when I fell down. WAY down. And could not figure out where the fuck I was or how to get back to my base. Not the last time I'd be having this particular thought, by the way.
I picked a direction and began mining my way upwards, still in a stairway-like pattern, first with my pickaxes, then with my hands once all my pickaxes broke. It was really slow going for a long time. Then I remembered that I had some extra wood blocks with me. I proceeded to craft a Crafting Table, plop it down, and craft some Stone Pickaxes. From there it was much, much easier, though still time consuming, to make it back to the surface.
...Of course, I had no idea where the fuck I was or how to get back to my base at this point, but it's not like I had left a bunch of amazing items behind. After a bit of wandering I just decided to build a new base, in the side of a massive mountain. I made a much bigger room and filled it with a Crafting Table, a Furnace, and several Large Chests. I also combined several Pumpkins that I found during my wanderings with Torches to create Jack-O-Lanterns; these made excellent light sources. I crafted a bunch of Stone Pickaxes and began mining downwards again.
It wasn't long before I found some Iron Ore, and combined with the Iron Ore I had picked up while wandering, and my new Furnace, I made some Iron Tools, which were a big improvement over Stone. This made my mining adventures much easier. I continued pushing downward and soon came to another natural cavern, off to the left of my downward path. I explored it and found several things of interest: one, an underground waterfall; two, an underground lava flow; and three, some Redstone Ore. Carefully navigating around the lava, I mined the Redstone Ore for Redstone Dust, then returned to my mining operation... but on my way back I found a few blocks of Gold Ore, which I can presumably use for something at some point.
I continued downward in my mining operations and found a stream, which took me a few minutes to "deal with", and my "deal with" I mean "remove completely because it was in my way". I then continued further downward and ran into... the same natural cavern I had just left. Dammit. I could see the same lava flow beneath me, and after resolving not to fall into it, I promptly fell into it. But jumping into the nearby stream fixed that problem. I decided to continue mining from this natural cavern, but while trying to figure out a way to manipulate the water so as to remove all the lava, I managed to fall into the exact block where water and lava meet. I began taking damage from being burned, while taking damage from being crushed to death as the water and lava met and formed stone directly around me. I barely managed to escape, but died before I could douse myself.
I respawned and was overcome with the feeling that I had no idea where the fuck I was or how to get back to my base. It was a familiar feeling.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
EVERYONE dies to lava their first time. >_>
Hell, I STILL die to lava >_>
Oh, tip. NEVER DIG STRAIGHT DOWN BELOW YOU, you might break into lava, or fall a great height and die.
If you DO want to dig straight down, dig in a 3x1 or a 2x2 pattern, slightly descending.
Edit: http://www.minecraftwiki.net/wiki/Minecraft_Wiki
Use that to find recipes and stuff.
<->
"What the fuck is Alice doing in Wonderland anyway? Who the fuck told her she could leave the god damn kitchen in the first place?" -Random guy on Xbox Live
http://www.backloggery.com/kodan882
Liberal Arts Major
No matter what armor you make, they all provide the same defense; the only thing is the durability. Gold is the weakest, leather (Cows) is only barely stronger, Iron is probably the best armor because it's plentiful, and Diamond has the most, but Diamond is best spent on Picks, and Swords.
As a tool... Gold has less then half the durability of Wood, BUT. It has an increased speed to mining and such.
You can make a Clock with Gold, which is handy since it shows you the time of day.
Like this:
E G E
G R G
E G E
E = Empty, G = Gold, R = Redstone dust.
<->
"What the fuck is Alice doing in Wonderland anyway? Who the fuck told her she could leave the god damn kitchen in the first place?" -Random guy on Xbox Live
http://www.backloggery.com/kodan882
Editor
If I can ever find my base again, I'm definitely going to craft a clock, since it doesn't seem like Gold is good for much else.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
ALSO. Powered Rails. >_>
G E G
G S G
G R G
G= Gold, S = Stick, R = Redstone, E = Empty
When it's turned on by a power source (Lever, redstone torch) it will push any minecart up to speed (IIRC you need 3-4 to fully power a minecart), so you can make a quick travel method between places. I have like 3 KM of rails total on my main world >_>
<->
"What the fuck is Alice doing in Wonderland anyway? Who the fuck told her she could leave the god damn kitchen in the first place?" -Random guy on Xbox Live
http://www.backloggery.com/kodan882