Editor
Xbox 360: ON!
Brain: OFF!
Let the retcons begin!
(The main menu shows Sephiroth during the Nibelheim fire scene and plays Sephiroth's latin song I can't remember the name of, in case you weren't yet convinced this would be total fanservice.)
The actual movie starts with Japanese text and no subtitles. Wonderful. Then the 500 years later ending to FFVII with Red XIII. Yay. More Japanese text and "498" so I guess we're going back in time to two years after FFVII now. Reno is flying a helicopter into the Northern Crater(?) but there are gunshots and he calls out for Elena, then another(?) helicopter (possibly Reno's?) leaves the Crater. I have no idea. And it only gets worse from here.
The FFVII plot gets recapped for me in a very piss-poor manner, luckily I beat the game like... last week so I don't need it. Marlene explains to the audience that there's some disease called Geostigma? that's killing people because the Planet is PISSED. Oh look, it's Lightning. I mean Denzel. I think Marlene said Denzel, at least. He/she/it is... Tifa and Cloud's kid? I dunno. Why is Marlene living with Tifa anyway? Tifa answers the phone, "Strife Delivery Service". WHAT?!
Cloud's in a desert outside of Midgar. He listens to a message from Tifa saying Reno has work for him. Cloud's arm is bothering him. Also, Cloud's Buster Sword is stuck in the ground very symbolically, but then it gets toppled over by some hermaphrodites. They're named Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz. Or something like that. Two of them look exactly the same, like female Sephiroths, and the other looks slightly more manly. There's terrible banter where they tell each other to not cry and that "big brother has hidden mother". Faaantastic. Then they motorcycle away after Cloud. Who is ALSO on a motorcycle.
Yazoo and Loz fire wolves from their motorcycles at Cloud. YEP. Cloud wields a shiny new Buster Sword but the wolves seem to be made of bad purple. Also Cloud is getting shot at, but his sunglasses protect him. Then suddenly Kadaj calls Shinra (presumably) and tells them to put the President on. And then the fight is over and Yazoo and Loz retreat. That was quite possibly I've ever seen in any movie that involved swordfighting against wolves while on a motorcycle.
"What up, foo', it's Barret!" Oh, god. And we're only like 5 minutes in. I guess Barret is drilling for oil now? CHARACTER DERAILMENT.
WHY IS ALL THE VOICE ACTING SO BAD
Oh, I guess Cloud's going to see Reno. He opens the door to some building, Reno sneak attacks him, Cloud dodges and locks him outside. Wow. That was pretty cool, even if it degraded Reno to comic relief. Next Cloud easily defeats Rude. A wheelchair guy approaches! Oh god. It's Rufus Shinra. ADVENT CHILDREN HAS NINTH LEVEL SPELLS FROM THE RETCONJURATION SCHOOL. Cloud and Rufus go back and forth interrupting each other in one of the most awkward scenes of all time. Rufus says he owes the Planet a tremendous debt because his company hurt it so badly. This is the guy who wanted to rule the world through terror. CHARACTER DERAILMENT. Rufus makes Cloud an offer he can't refuse but then Cloud refuses it. Rufus says they investigated the Northern Crater but found nothing. Uh, yeah, Sephiroth did kinda-sorta return to the Lifestream. Welcome to FFVII. First time here?
Rufus says they need some muscle to deal with Kadaj's gang, but Cloud says the equivalent of "no thanks, BRO". He's a delivery boy now, and that obviously means he's done saving the world. Right? Right? CHARACTER DEVELOPMEMT. Or DERAILMENT. I'm not sure. Rufus almost convinces Cloud but then Reno says together they could rebuild Shinra. Derp. Cloud storms off.
Marlene and Tifa are in Aerith's church. They're looking for Cloud. Oh my god, every scene is the worst scene ever. Tifa and Marlene deduce that Cloud must have the geostigma too. Oh god.
Kadaj is in Rufus' building. He smacks Reno and Rude to the floor and tells Rufus to give him the MacGuffin. Rufus says they lost it. Kadaj then implies that he has Elena and someone else... Reeve? Hostage. Or dead. Neither way causes the scene to make sense. Blah blah blah Jenova. The Reunion is coming. Rufus has the geostigma too. It's Jenova's doing. Kadaj starts doing the creepy Sephiroth clone thing. God dammit.
Back to Cloud. Oh, I guess he set up the Buster Sword as a gravestone for Zack. Then he flashbacks and starts freaking out.
Back to Tifa and Marlene. Loz is hassling Tifa and Marlene. He asks for mother; Tifa says there's no one here. Loz starts showing up his electric rocket fist gadget (I have no idea), but then Tifa beats the crap out of him. It's amazing. And then - I shit you not - the victory music plays. DUNDUNDUNDUN DUN DUN DUN-DA-DUN. So yeah, that's pretty much the best thing ever.
Oh, it's Loz's ringtone. He's fine! Everybody is fine after being crushed by a stone pillar, right guys? He tells the person calling him that he's NOT crying (oh dear god why) and that he'll bring the girl. Then he easily kicks Tifa's ass. I see. That previous fight was a boss battle, now we're in a cutscene. Explains the victory music, and why the villains are suddenly a threat to Tifa. Loz is about to kill Tifa when Marlene nails him in the head with a Materia she got from a box. Lolz. Materia make excellent projectiles! Marlene calls for Cloud, and we swap to... Denzel? I guess. Some girl says "they're going to fix us" referring to people with the stigma and drags him away. Oh, it's Yazoo. Obviously. Rounding up kids for the Reunion mkII.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE CHURCH... Cloud shows up and finds Tifa unconscious. "You're late." You need to mosey HARDER, Cloud. Marlene's gone. Suddenly, Cloud's hand starts dissolving and then there's a scene of Cloud and Tifa lying in flowers. Fuck this movie. Oh my god. Cloud wakes up in bed with Tifa, Reno and Rude are there. Both of Cloud's kids are gone, they say. Whoops. Moral of the story: JRPG HEROES DO NOT MAKE GOOD PARENTS.
Oh, I guess Cloud left those Materia in the church. And Kadaj has them now. And they can put Materia directly into their bodies! That's not fair! We had to wear ****ing armbands!
Cloud and Tifa are talking. Cloud says Reno and Rude are out looking. Tifa chooses now to confront Cloud about his geostigma. There's no cure, but Tifa says he should still fight it together with her, even if they're not a real family. Cloud says he's not fit to help anyone.
Tifa: Dilly-dally shilly-shally.
Cloud: *stare*
Tifa: Dilly-dally shilly-shally!
Cloud: THAT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING BECAUSE THOSE ARE NOT WORDS
Okay that last part didn't happen. Reno and Rude pulled a Batman and entered the room without anyone noticing. They say Kadaj took the kids to the Forgotten City. Cloud suddenly decides that now he's fit to help people and motorcycles away.
Kadaj is talking to the kids. Lots of words, no meaning. He tells the kids to do as he does and then drinks the water. OH GOD NO. NOT THE WATER. All the kids do the same thing. WHY. Why would they listen to this clearly insane hermaphrodite! HE HAD BLUE EXPLOSIONS COMING OUT OF HIS BODY OH MY GOD WHAT PART OF THIS MAKES YOU THINK HE'S TRUSTWORTHY
Cloud dream sequence! Aerith says "You came!" Definitely a dream sequence. Oh wait, I guess he came to... a dream world. He says he wants to be forgiven, Aerith asks "By who?"
Cloud suddenly remembers that he's driving and swerves out of the way of incoming bullets. YESSSSS SWORDFIGHTING ON MOTORCYCLES. Kadaj is controling the kids, obviously. Cloud swerves out of the way and falls off his motorcycle. SWORDFIGHTING TIME.
I can't decide whether this movie has really awesome fight scenes or really terrible ones. Cloud used a Limit Break - Blade Beam - to stop an attack, his sword can break into two swords, lots of bullet deflecting and bouncing around as Cloud gets double teamed. Eventually he breaks off and attacks Kadaj, and is summarily owned by a triple threat. BUT SUDDENLY. A red cloak appears and protects him. It can deflect bullets too! EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE CAN DEFLECT BULLETS! It whisks Cloud away, leaving Kadaj to smirk like a moron.
It's Vincent. Cloud apparently called him during the fight, while getting owned. I'm not even kidding. Vincent says that the geostigma is the body's internal Lifestream trying to reject Jenova's memetic legacy. THIS MOVIE. Vincent also says that Tseng and Elena were brought here half-dead, but that Vincent did what he could to save them. Didn't Tseng die in FFVII? RECONJURATION. They got their hands on Jenova's head, so Kadaj went after them. If Kadaj got ahold of Jenova's dead, he could RECREATE SEPHIROTH. THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD, but it is only the fourth dumbest thing in this movie.
Marlene shows up. She somehow managed to escape, I guess. She wants to talk to Tifa, but Cloud's cellphone got knocked into the water during the fight.
Marlene [to Vincent]: May I?
Vincent: *cloak whisk*
Marlene: YOU DON'T HAVE A PHONE?!
Vincent: I can whisk my cloak dramatically. That's like a phone.
Cloud asks Vincent to take Marlene to Tifa while he goes to get some answers from Shinra. Marlene chooses now to bitch about Cloud not spending any time with her. OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS RIGHT NOW. Then Marlene hides in Vincent's cloak for some reason. Goddamn this movie.
Cloud is talking to Tifa and Reno and Rude now. He says he needs to talk to Rufus. Tifa says Cloud wants to be with people but pushes them away because they might hurt him. ...Oh my god, Advent Children...
...
So welcome back, this is Neon Genesis Evangelion: Advent Children, and I think Shinji's finally ready to pilot the Eva and stop Tabris from merging with Adam...
Dreamworld. Cloud says he let Aerith die. Aerith says dilly-dally shilly-shally and tells him to forgive himself.
Now Cloud is back with Vincent. Huh? I guess that was a flashback. Cloud tells Marlene it's time to go. VERY SYMBOLIC SCENE OF CLOUD'S PHONE FALLING INTO THE LAKE IN THE FORGOTTEN CITY. Aerith says she never blamed Cloud.
Loz/Yazoo are holding a thing at Midgar. People yell "give us back our children", etc. But nobody does anything. What. Oh, then motorcycle wolves start showing up. Fantastic. Despite the confusion, Tifa manages to find Denzel. Yeah don't help anybody or anything. Stupid.
Reno and Rude show up to hassle Yazoo and Loz. The bad dudes say that Shinra built this monument so Jenova's head must be inside it. What. Then we get an "Oh yeah?" "YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" scene that makes it all worthwhile. Yazoo says that peons just aren't trustworthy, I guess implying that Reno wasn't told that Shinra hid the head here? And Reno pretty much freaks out and charges them. Yeah. Reno's so comic relief, bad guys can draw aggro from him with the worst taunts in the world.
Oh. It's Rufus. He's talking with Yazoo. They talk SO MUCH but say absolutely nothing. Kadaj has mommy problems. Rufus has become a better hero than all the other characters in the span of 2 years. He says no matter what happens, people like Kadaj will always be stopped by the Planet's protectors. And basically taunts him by saying that even if he brings back both Sephiroth and Jenova, they won't be able to do shit.
...Rufus. I like you. I believe I will nominate you for the next Character Battle. >_>
Kadaj uses his absorbed Materia and summons Bahamut. For giggles, or something, I dunno. Tifa nearly gets attacked by a motorcycle wolf, but then Bahamut stomps it. Oh. That's... much worse. Poor Tifa.
Reno and Rude charge in, but then Reno accidentally KOs Rude. Wow. Reno's character has been completely derailed, he's comic relief that fails at being funny, and yet he's still easily the second best character in this movie so far. What happened to "Blah blah blah stop being such an indecisive coward, Elena, you're a Turks!"? Reno and Rude flee from Bahamut, but at least Reno stops to grab a kid. That's something. Bahamut starts tearing apart the monument.
Reno: Is it after us?
Rude: I'm not lookin'!
Heh.
Bahamut lasers the statue, knocking everyone away. Yazoo stands over Reno.
Yazoo: Are we having fun yet?
[Reno jumps up and draws his weapon. AWESOME MUSIC starts playing]
Reno: The time of my life!
KICK HIS ASS RENO
...
Okay so they get owned, but they at least faired somewhat respectably. Before Rude got owned by a randomly falling bilboard, then had Reno drop on top of him. They get back up and dust themselves off though, and Reno calls Jenova an old hag. Causing Loz to refer to them as meanies.
Rude: Our apologies.
Reno: Your mom's cool...
[beat]
Reno: What the HELL am I sayin'?! *charges*
Wow, they actually owned both Loz and Yazoo... before Loz floored them both with a single punch. Whoops.
Back to Tifa and Denzel. Denzel is back to normal and sees that Tifa has been hurt. He thus decides that the most logical course of action is to charge Bahamut and make it pay. Faaaantastic. And he nearly gets killed, but then Bahamut is shot a bunch. yessssssssssss Barret! And then Bahamut gets tackled by Cait Sith riding Red XIII! And then when Barret's arm malfunctions, Yuffie parachutes in and saves him with her jumbo-shuriken!
Yuffie: All right. Who's been touching my Materia?
Tifa: The bad guys. Naturally.
Yuffie: Ooooooooooh! *charges*
XD
Tifa is attacked by four motorcycle wolves, but Cid shows up and smacks them around. He points up to the Highwind, saying that Shera's piloting it or something. Then Vincent shows up.
"Where can I buy a phone?"
oh god >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>XD THAT MAKES THIS WHOLE MOVIE WORTHWHILE
Cloud motorcycles in and says he feels lighter. "Maybe I lost some weight. From all that dilly-dallying." Goddamn you Cloud. He also finally decides to do some parenting... by letting Denzel run off alone back towards their home (where he deposited Marlene earlier, also a great idea). Tifa saddles up and they give chase to Bahamut.
AWESOME FIGHT SCENE. Barret is being comic relief (as in Cait Sith) but the others are being fucking awesome. Cid especially. He pole-vaulted onto Bahamut, stuck his spear in its head, and steered it into a building. Yeah. And then later, he showed up when it was chargin' its laser and did THE SAME THING, this time aiming it away from the others (and towards Barret, lol). Barret gets saved by Cloud. CLOUD IS MOSEYING AS HARD AS HE HAS EVER MOSEYED BEFORE.
Cloud: Hm. A dragon diety capable of one-shotting city blocks. You might actually be a fair fight!
AND THEN HE SOLOS BAHAMUT INTO THE GROUND OH MY GOD
Oh go away Kadaj no one likes you. Kadaj says he's having fun, at which point Rufus stands up revealing that he's not a cripple afterall. He's holding a box.
Kadaj: MOTHER!
Rufus: A good son would have known. *tosses the box out the window*
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS RUFUS
Bahamut tries to fly away but Cloud is like "fuck THAT, inability to fly isn't going to stop me!" and he jumps after it. And every single party member shows up at just the right time to help throw him higher/faster (I'm not even sure if physics work that way but whatever) until he's going so faster through the sky that he's flaming blue. Bahamut shoots its laser at him but Cloud charges right through. IT'S NO GOOD. He starts to fall! Until...
Aerith: Ready?
AND SHE LAUNCHES HIM THROUGH THE BLAST. WHAT. NO. THAT DOESN'T. YOU CAN'T.
AND THEN HE CUTS BAHAMUT IN HALF.
Cut back to Rufus/Kadaj. Kadaj shoots Rufus off the building, but Rufus calmly draws his gun and shoots the oil tanks behind Kadaj, causing the building to explode. Kadaj leaps after the box. Down on the ground, Reno and Rude see Rufus falling and rush to help while Cloud gets back on his motorcycle and charges in as well. Rufus keeps shooting and shoots through the box!
WHAT. Elena and Tseng show up and fire net guns that catch Rufus. Kadaj grabs the box and lands... and sees Cloud motorcycling straight towards him! He jumps on his motorcycle and flees, and his two lackeys follow.
FIGHTING ON MOTORCYCLES
OH MY GOD
Loz rode his motorcycle onto the ceiling, jumped off, landed on Cloud's motorcycle, dueled for a bit, jumped BACK to his original motorcycle, pulled out in front, punched the ground, swung around, and TOSSES HIS MOTORCYCLE AT CLOUD AS A PROJECTILE WEAPON.
AND CLOUD JUMPED INTO THE AIR, CUT THE MOTORCYCLE IN HALF, DUELED LOZ FOR A BIT IN THE AIR, THREW HIM BACK INTO HIS CUT APART MOTORCYCLE (WHICH EXPLODED), DUELED YAZOO IN THE AIR, DUELED THEM BOTH IN THE AIR, SPLIT HIS SWORD INTO TWO, CUT APART BOTH YAZOO'S AND LOZ'S WEAPONS, KNOCKED THEM AWAY, AND LANDED BACK ON HIS MOTORCYCLE.
IT'S LIKE THEY TOOK THE MOST RIDICULOUS PART OF FINAL FANTASY VII AND SAID "No... it's not QUITE stupid enough."
Cut to Reno and Rude. They've got bombs and are waiting. Cloud passes them. Yazoo and Loz pursue Cloud (now both on one motorcycle), see the bombs, and... boom. Fucking owned. Reno is cool again!
ONE ON ONE MOTORCYCLE DUELS! Kadaj manages to get away. He gets into the church and examines the box. Seeing that it's been shot up, he starts crying. "MOTHERRRRRRRRRRR!" It would be sorta sad if Kadaj wasn't the worst villain in the world. Cloud finally shows up. MORE ONE ON ONE MOTORCYCLE DUELS.
Kadaj blasts the ground where Aerith's flowers were growing, destroying Cloud's motorcycle. THANK GOD. Oh, but this also activates the Lifestream, which shoots out of the ground and cures Cloud's geostigma and also drives Kadaj away.
Oh god dammit, Cloud's motorcycle wasn't killed after all. Aerith says, "Let's go, Cloud."
Kadaj says he's finally joined with mother.
Kadaj: So what if I'm a puppet? Once upon a time... YOUWERETOO!
SWORDFIGHTING NOT ON MOTORCYCLES. Finally! But then the Highwind shows up. Yuffie says she brought Materia for Cloud but blah blah blah Kadaj is a Remnant of Sephiroth so it's Cloud's fight. Yuffie says she still doesn't understand.
Cid: This is man talk.
Yuffie: Sexist! SEXIST!
oh god
Tifa says that they've all been deleveled since the final battle two years ago but that Cloud level-grinded back up to his old level. Or something like that. Barret says he's got ten minutes before they step in. Yuffie says he's a pain in the ass. Tifa just says that Cloud is Cloud. D'awwww. >_>
Cloud quickly gains an upperhand against Kadaj, knocking his weapon away and leaving Kadaj hanging from a building. Kadaj throws the box at Cloud who instinctively cuts it in half. Kadaj leaps and grabs the box, merging with its contents. Cloud jumps and attacks, but Kadaj grows a Masamune and blocks.
Sephiroth: Glad to see you... Cloud.
Damn you Advent Children.
Sephiroth: What I want, Cloud. Is to sail the darkness of the cosmos with this planet as my vessel. Just as my mother did, long ago.
...
http://img.imgcake.com/motivespngbe.png
Sephiroth creates a giant storm and Marlene says she senses Aerith(?). Cloud and Sephiroth duel to a draw.
Sephiroth: Oh... Where did you find this strength?
Cloud: What the hell? Where did YOU find this strength?! I killed you in one hit last time we fought!
Seriously, it's dumb. >_>
Sephiroth: I've thought of a wonderful present for you. Shall I give you despair?
Mmm, mmm. This pear is DELICIOUS.
Anyway Sephiroth quickly gains an advantage. Cloud starts tiring, Sephiroth doesn't. Sephiroth stabs Cloud and asks him what he cherishes most so that he can take it away. Cloud says he pities Sephiroth, pulls the blade out of his shoulder, sticks it in the wall, and attacks.
"There's not a thing I DON'T cherish!"
Cloud splits his sword into SEVEN INDIVIDUAL SWORDS and uses the creepy clone thing to attack Sephiroth seven times simultaneously!
Cloud: Stay where you belong... in my memories.
Sephiroth: I will....... NEVER be a memory.
Kadaj charges Cloud but collapses. He hears Aerith's voice (which he believes to be Jenova) telling him he doesn't have to hang on anymore. Then he fades away into the Lifestream. The Lifestream begins to rain onto the Planet, curing the geostigma. (Of note, we see Elena, Tseng, Rude, and Reno watch as Rufus' disappears.) Everyone on the Highwind starts celebrating and Cloud looks up to the heavens, letting the rain wash over his face.
The end.
Then Cloud gets shot from behind. It's Loz and Yazoo, already fading into the Lifestream. GODDAMMIT. NO ONE EVER DIES. Cloud charges them and they fire their Materia at him. There's an explosion. Everyone on the Highwind freaks out.
Cloud is in the Lifestream. He hears Aerith's voice and calls her mother. DAMMIT. Aerith asks why everyone keeps calling her that lately. Zack and Aerith agree that there's no place for Cloud here.
Cloud wakes up in the Lifestream pool in Aerith's church. He's totally fine. I guess the Lifestream cures geostigmas AND getting shot in the neck. Who knew. Red XIII says there are still kids who haven't been cured yet. Cloud helps Denzel into the pool and baptizes him, curing the geostigma. GODDAMMIT. THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS A RELIGIOUS ALLEGORY. THAT'S HORRIBLE. Tifa, seeing how great a parent Cloud is now or something, gives him a "come hither" look. Cloud looks towards the church's exit and sees Aerith and Zack leaving. He decides that everything's all right because he has friends. D'awwwwwwwwww. That's what FFVII is about, right guys? Having friends? It's not about accepting who you are, or protecting the planet/eschewing technology that hurts the planet, or confronting your problems instead of escaping from them. No. It's totally about having friends.
Yep.
That's why Barret is an oil tycoon now. Seriously, WORST CHARACTER DERAILMENT EVER.
Overall, that was a huge mess of character derailment, ridiculous fight scenes, bad voice acting, a largely incomprehensible plot that ranged from "what" to "well then", retcons, nobody EVER dying, and Aerith appearing more than most living characters. THAT SAID... it had some pretty awesome moments. The entire Bahamut fight was crazy, Reno was great even if he was comic relief, Rufus became the biggest badass on the planet, and even the intensely stupid motorcycle fight was just so over-the-top that you can't help but find it entertaining. So, my advice is: skip everything before Bahamut is summoned. You really don't miss much.
</spoiler>
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
http://lparchive.org/LetsPlay/Dirge%20of%20Cerberus/
The game's plot, though. Dear god. I'm not sure which is worse between it and Advent Children.
Actually, I am. Advent Children was a lot better. The problem is that Advent Children felt like an extra long filler episode that took place after the main plot. Dirge of Cerberus' plot, for all its retardation (and there was a lot of that), actually served some purpose.
More importantly, someone needs to send me a PSP so I can play Crisis Core. <_<
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
Game playership notes: Having beaten Pokemon SoulSilver, Mass Effect, and Final Fantasy VII, I'm at a rare juncture where my now playing list is unredonkulous enough to justify adding a new game to it. WACKY, I KNOW. So it is time to decide what that game will be!
Kingdom Hearts - Current front-runner. Notable cons include the strong possibility I'll play it instead of doing school work. Still in the lead due to the fact that I have been in a perpetual state of needing to play this game RIGHT NOW for the past eight years.
Resident Evil 4 - I'm in an actiony sort of mood but I'm such a coward that I'm still sort of avoiding this, despite the whole "RE4 isn't scary at all" thing everyone says. <_< Which brings us to...
Half-Life 2 - I started this like 37 years ago and I'm still on the second level or some ****.
And then there's...
Sonic 2/Sonic 3&K - I said I was going to play these, didn't I? >____>
Or even!
Panzer Dragoon Orta - I've heard this game is like 5-6 hours long and it's a shooter, which sounds pretty good right now.
Asteroids (PS1) - This is a complete remake/reimagining of Asteroids that is pretty awesome. I wanted to play this in commemoration of Asteroids' 162927382-year-old world record being broken a bit back, but I'm not confident at all that I can make any progress in the game. It's fairly hard.
AND FINALLY...
Final Fantasy 1 (via FF Origins) - I've got a plan for this one, but I haven't thought it out completely so... we'll see.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
...Maybe S3&K first if you don't think that'd take very long.
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
I think I game overed on Hill Top Zone and Chemical Plant Zone the last two times I played Sonic 2, for example. <_<
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Message last edited by Kenri of the Yuri on 4/27/2010 at 10:52:56 PM
Editor
[Spoiler for Panzer Dragoon Orta, click to show]In the first ten minutes of the game, I had escaped imprisonment on the back of a legendary Empire-killing dragon, eluded and/or destroyed the legions of aircraft, tanks, and dragonriders sent after me, escaped into some underground ruins to further throw off would-be assailants, then, upon leaving the underground ruins, systematically tore apart a giant armored flying battleship, piece by piece, until it fell from the sky, while shooting down dozens of missiles.
The second level involved chasing a giant armored snake through a river into its underground lair, killing both it and a second one, massacring hordes of butterflies, and finally attacking a giant, flying turtle's weakpoint for massive damage.
The game is pretty cool, I'll just leave it at that.
</spoiler>
What this means for us is... possibly S3&K, I dunno, I haven't decided yet. >_>
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
I've had it for a while. Pretty hard to find game.
It's probably one of the rarest in my collection.
<->
"What the fuck is Alice doing in Wonderland anyway? Who the fuck told her she could leave the god damn kitchen in the first place?" -Random guy on Xbox Live
Liberal Arts Major
...The end boss is a MASSIVE GIGANTIC DICK. >_>
I never once beat Orta :/
<->
"What the fuck is Alice doing in Wonderland anyway? Who the fuck told her she could leave the god damn kitchen in the first place?" -Random guy on Xbox Live
Editor
<_<
Make of that what you will.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
[Spoiler for Sonic 3 & Knuckles, click to show]-Angel Island Zone is cake, except the boss managed to kill me when I attacked it and got catapulted through the floor and into death. Glitches? In a Sonic game? Craziness.
-Special Stages are really hard for me with the input lag. Either that or I suck at them, but I'm going with input lag. Which means if I ever want to get the gemeralds, I'll either have to learn to compensate for it or hook up my Genesis.
-Hydrocity Zone is so pleasant with a water shield.
-Electric shields, however, are the greatest of all time. In both S3&K and Sonic Advance. >_>
-Seriously, putting the different shields in Sonic 2 would instantly make it like 10% better.
-Marble Garden Zone is way bigger than it needs to be. I also hate the boss. I do enjoy getting like 400 extra lives, though.
-Carnival Night Zone aka Not-Nearly-As-Good-As-Casino-Night-Zone Zone tiiime
-oh god a barrel what do i do i think i will jump up and down on it for 10 minutes
-Carnival Night Zone Act 2 is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too goddamn long. I got to the boss with 50 seconds left and won with 7 seconds left. (If you use the insta-shield, you can just barely reach Eggman without him needing to come down, though it's fairly dangerous. I didn't really have a choice, though.)
-I don't get why people have such a fanatical devotion to Ice Cap Zone's music. It's good, yes, possibly even the best track in the game, but it's not THAT good.
-Launch Base Zone Act 1 is fun. Act 2 is not. Why? Because Act 2 has a huge area where everything looks the same and I get disoriented. >_>
-I also glitched into a wall somehow and couldn't get out and had to reset. Glitches? In a Sonic ga-oh i already said this didn't i
-I'm so glad you don't have to fight Eggman's crushermobile at the end of Launch Base if you're playing S3&K instead of just Sonic 3. <_<
-Mushroom Hill Zone. NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD
-This may be an intro level forcibly jammed into the middle of the game, but it has some ****ing annoying enemies.
-I also nearly got killed by the hatchet miniboss. I have no idea. Don't even ask. (I'm awful at Sonic games, if that wasn't apparent.)
</spoiler>
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
Orta bosses are ASSHOLES. I died like 3 times on the first boss as well.
That was the... Aircraft carrier, right?
<->
"What the fuck is Alice doing in Wonderland anyway? Who the fuck told her she could leave the god damn kitchen in the first place?" -Random guy on Xbox Live
Editor
Awesome boss, even if it did kill me. <_<
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
-Ugh, Sandopolis Zone.
-...I got crushed by a crusher that was moving up. As in, it crushes downwards, and I got killed by it retracting. Glitches?! In a SONIC GAME?!
-I beat Sandopolis Zone Act 2 with 29 seconds to spare. I had to do another suicide strike at the boss, luckily pretty much all Sonic bosses can be beaten this way unless the stage has bottomless pits or you don't have any rings. <_< I would have had plenty of time, but I missed an easy jump like 6 times and had to repeat the same segment over and over with the stupid little marshmallow ghosties after me. Not that they ever actually inconvenienced me in any way, because c'mon, they're ****ing marshmallows, but still. Sandopolis Zone in general is about twice as long as it needs to be. <_<
-oh god Lava Reef Zone. This... this is gonna end badly for me.
-Luckily Fire Shields make it so much more tolerable. Normally Fire Shields are just like... "okay, I will take you, but the SECOND I see any other kind of shield, you are out of here". In Lava Reef Zone it's more like, "Electric Shield? No thanks. DEAR GOD DO NOT TOUCH IT TAILS I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL END YOU"
-Lava Reef Zone Act 2 had me in a perpetual state of terror. Sorta like Scrap Brain Zone in that regard. Except not as fun. Speaking of which, I am so glad I had a Fire Shield for that boss fight. >_>
-oh god hidden palace zone aka the hardest zone in the game how will i ever survive
-The Knuckles fight is such an anticlimax. This is a guy who dropped a boulder on you, sucker punched you out of Super form and stole your gemeralds, and just generally was a total prick up till now. And then you fight him and he's one of the easiest bosses in the game, even counting minibosses. Sonic Advance 1 had a similar boss fight (Metal Knuckles), except it was the complete opposite. No build up at all (you'd think something like METAL KNUCKLES would have some hype, right?), and yet it's awesome. <_<
-Sky Sanctuary Zone is a fun level, but I hate the first boss fight (the ball & chain mobile). I know it's like the easiest boss in the world but it just murders me for some reason.
-On the other hand, the former destroyer of worlds that is the rotating balls mobile is a joke with the insta-shield. >_>
-Oh man. I decided to go maverick on Metal Sonic with the insta-shield instead of waiting for legitimate openings, and got like 6 hits on him in 3 seconds, but lost all my rings and almost died trying to get the last two hits. That was intense.
-Death Egg Zone. TERRIFYING. So terrifying that I'm not going to play it right now!
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
...
Guys?
-Okay, this isn't as excellently terrifying as Scrap Brain Zone, but it's not as bad as Metropolis Zone either.
-I lost the platform I needed to get past a field of electricity but luckily I was able to take damage to save time!
-Oh god this miniboss. This miniboss. I died 5 times against this miniboss. This is why I shouldn't be playing this right now. Ugh.
-There's a checkpoint in front of one of those elevators where you're pulled to the sides and there are spikes and bullets shooting at you. Sounds good, right? Except if you die there, you respawn at the checkpoint with no rings and no way to get any rings before the elevator. Which happened to me. I have no idea how I beat it on my first try with no rings, I was really sort of expecting to waste like 10 lives there. Did I mention that gravity is also inverted for that segment? Yep.
-After how terrifying the miniboss was, the real boss is just a piece of crap. Boring, too. Just go up and down in an elevator until he dies. What an awful semi-final boss.
-Eggman time. Did you know that, on your first attempt at this boss, coming here from Death Egg Zone, you get to keep your rings, but if you die even once, you respawn with 0 and can never get any more? Yeah that would have been a nice thing for me to take advantage of. Unfortunately I fell into a pit and that was the end of that!
-His hand crushers phase is worthless. Just exists to waste 50 seconds of your time every time you die.
-It took me, literally, 7 lives to get the Robo Robotnik's pattern/timing down, and another 3 or so to actually beat it. That includes the time I died stupidly to the hand crushers because Tails hit what I was going after causing it to kill me because sometimes you can't double-tap enemies without them killing you (fuck you Tails) and the time I died even more stupidly because I wasn't paying attention and forgot that when the fight starts, you have to move to the right or you'll be dropped into a bottomless pit. Yes, this means I game over'd once. Luckily, I had 8 continues, but still.
-(Incidentally, the rage from game overing is what caused the stupid pit death. At that point I went, "...okay, let's get serious." And won on the next attempt.)
-My basic strategy was to jump over the flame attack, tap Eggman's nose, let Tails hit the gemerald and fall to his death, jump over flames, tap Eggman's nose, etc. I was far too much of a nervous bitch to actually hit him myself.
-I beat the Cowardmobile mkIII on my first attempt as well, which means game beaten.
-Overall, awesome game. So much better than Sonic 2. I might do a... writeup thing on why I think that later, I dunno. We'll see.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
I beat the Cowardmobile mkIII on my first attempt as well, which means game beaten.
Wrong.
Did I see a Doomsday Zone write-up in there? No, I did not. Way to BAD END S3&K, tbqh.
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
</spoiler>
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
</spoiler>
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
Counting Tales of Vesperia as beaten if you don't collect the Devil Arms and take down Duke 3?
Yes. But this isn't the same scenario. Even remotely.
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
Again, not comparable. In fact, that comparison attempt was even worse than the other!
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
Counting Pikmin as beaten if you don't beat the Emperor Bulblax/collect the Secret Safe?
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Liberal Arts Major
That and, how many zones are there? 14 total? So taking away 1 is a little over 7% of the game? Yeah, yeah, you can argue about acts and such to make that less, but really this is total damage control. >_>
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xp1337: Don't you wish there was a spell-checker that told you when you a word out?
Editor
<_<
But regardless, to non-xp people who are reading this, the problem is solved because I just collected every single Chaos Emerald then converted them all into Super Emeralds.
[Spoiler for Sonic 3 & Knuckles, click to show]-So like I was saying in the chat, Hyper Sonic is pretty ****ing cool, but if you've played Sonic Rush Adventure, you've already played as Hyper Sonic without needing 7 Super Emeralds and 50 rings. It's called Blaze. She has a super jump that allows you to just jump over like half the level. It's fantastic. And let's be honest, none of the enemies in Sonic Rush Adventure are ever a threat, so she might as well be invincible except to crushers/bottomless pits. So, yeah. Some people like to bitch about how SRA doesn't have playable super forms (except for the final boss which doesn't count), but really, how could they possibly make Burning Blaze any more awesome than regular Blaze? >_> They'd have to make her super jump just... teleport you to the end of the level or something.
-The Doomsday Zone. Stupid. I don't like it. I mean... it was okay, but I'll be honest, I could really sort of take or leave all 5 of the true final "main character goes Super and there's a genre change" bosses that I've played. Perfect Chaos was pretty cool I guess; Finalhazard was a stupid fight though all the cutscenes and cinematics and atmosphere and such were great; The Moon Zone from Sonic Advance 1 was inoffensive but short and... sorta boring; the Egg Wizard from Sonic Rush Adventure was okay, but it was a shmup and only Burning Blaze had a projectile attack, so there was no reason to use Super Sonic, which was lame; and The Doomsday Zone is just... well, the boss' second form is okay, it's just the first one that really drags it down.
-Starting a Knuckles playthrough now. As a kid, Knux was my favorite character to play as in Sonic & Knuckles, but right now I really can't remember why. Knuckles is so slow and can't jump very high and worst of all, he can't use shield special abilities. No thank you. Luckily, there is a solution to all of that...
-...and that solution is called "Super Knuckles". xp will be happy to know that I got all 7 Chaos Emeralds before Marble Garden Zone Act 2. I still honestly think I'd take regular Sonic over Super Knuckles though, because he gets the insta-shield and the Electric Shield double jump. <_<
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
-I consider Carnival Night to be a wash, because although it's infested with crushers and spikes, it's also about a third as long. And there's no boss for some reason. o_o
-Ice Cap, though. Oh my god. That was terrifying. It basically gives you no rings and forces you to do platforming over bottomless pits and below ice blowers for the first half of... Act 2, I think. I didn't enjoy that AT ALL. Awful. But eventually I got 20 rings, got into a Bonus Stage, got 50 rings, and went Super Knuckles on it, and that made it so much more tolerable.
-I spent like 2 minutes getting a few lives at Launch Base Zone. Yeah, I'm a little bitch, we've realized that by now. Launch Base Zone is fun as Sonic and, amazingly, about equally fun as Knuckles. Though I did go Super pretty early on in... both acts, I think, so that might have something to do with it.
-Of note, about Knux's Launch Base Zone. It removes one of my favorite bosses, the bowling ball shooter, and lets you go straight to that stupid worthless laser cylinder boss that nobody has ever died to because it's so worthless. But after that, instead of a horrible anticlimax, you get another boss: Eggman's crusher mobile, which is extremely dangerous and hard. (This is also the final boss of Sonic 3 if you're playing just that.) Now, I was super for this boss, so it wasn't too bad, but I made the mistake of going super during the awful laser boss instead of waiting (I had a Bubble Shield, so I should have waited until I lost that, then went super - Knux can go super with a shield even though Sonic can't, for some reason). This meant that I ran out of rings about halfway through the crusher mobile boss, and lost my shield shortly after that. So I had to get the last 3 or so hits with no rings. Terrifying. Luckily, he just spammed his move that makes him vulnerable instead of his moves that he's basically invincible during, so I won on my first try somehow.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
*Egg Robo, not Eggman
WOULDN'T WANT TO USE THE WRONG TERMINOLOGY FOR S3&K's DEEP AND MEANINGFUL STORYLINE
though I guess it's technically still Eggman's machine and Egg Robo just stole it or some ****, but whatever, shut up
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
-Hyper Knuckles doesn't have a double jump OR the flash of death? why did i bother doing that.
-lol, I turned Hyper in Flying Battery Zone and IMMEDIATELY got crushed to death. Dammit, I'm Hyper, I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want. >_>
-It's... vaguely interesting to note that the boss of Flying Battery Zone is Eggman, not the Egg Robo. In case you didn't follow S3&K's deep and meaningful plot, here's how to goes down: after Sonic has retrieved the Master Emerald and returns it to Angel Island, Egg Robo, independent of Eggman, shows up and starts doing all the same shit again, so Knux goes off to stop him. This is why Egg Robo replaces Eggman for all the boss fights... except this one, in Flying Battery Zone. Why is Eggman here only? What does this mean for the game's plot?
...
Well, it means that Eggman had a slightly different sprite for this boss, and they were too lazy to create a slightly different sprite for the Egg Robo to swap it out. Yep. =/
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic
Editor
-Act 2, though. Ugh. I got a time over trying to figure out a stupid puzzle where you have to push a block to hold a switch open longer... yeah it should have been immediately obvious, but in my defense, you never have to do anything like that anywhere else in the game, and I could almost make it through the door with a spindash. The boss wasn't a problem, at least.
-Knux's Lava Reef Zone is pretty fun. I got to go Hyper in both Acts, IIRC, and just tear **** up. Then I ran into that same glitch where I got crushed between a wall on the left and a crusher that was moving to the right. I don't understand how this keeps happening, but it's infuriating.
-Luckily Knux doesn't have to fight the dumb Lava Reef Zone boss. This is where K-T-E's mode starts seeming really lazy. No boss in Lava Reef Zone, Hidden Palace Zone is even shorter than Sonic's version (and again, no boss), and Sky Sanctuary Zone is JUST a boss with no actual level.
-In fairness, the boss is really cool. Egg Robo shows up and grabs you with a crane attached to his Egg-o-matic, and carries you away... to his master, Metal Sonic. Metal Sonic tries to attack the incapacitated Knux, but Knux breaks free and glides away, leaving Metal Sonic to destroy Egg Robo.
Now there's a face off between Metal Sonic and Knux, and Knux easily wins because it's the same fight as in Sonic's Sky Sanctuary Zone.
-Metal Sonic, realizing that he's still malfunctioning from his fight with Sonic (and his recent thrashing by Knux), rushes over to the Master Emerald... and uses it to go Super.
KNUCKLES' FINAL BOSS:
SUPER METAL SONIC
I think this is REALLY cool. They could have just rehashed the normal Metal Sonic fight and called it a day, but they threw this in. This is a far better bonus boss than The Doomsday Zone's bosses, tbqh. Not only is it more fun and less obnoxious, but Doomsday Zone was just kinda tacked on. This feels like real closure. For once, one of your enemies goes Super. I'm not sure if that ever happens again.
So, he's Super, which means you can't ****ing hurt him, but I guess either because he's using the Master Emerald instead of the Chaos/Super/Sol Emeralds or because he's malfunctioning, he's unable to maintain his Super form for more than a few seconds. Dodge his attacks, wait for him to become normal, and you have about a one second window to hit him before he gets back to the Master Emerald and goes Super again.
Overall, fun final boss, and whatever was left of Sky Sanctuary Zone after Sonic came through it is destroyed when Metal Sonic explodes, leaving Knux and Master Emerald to fall... and be destroyed by Sonic, flying the Tornado. Yaaaay. Good end.
And that means only Tails mode is left! Which is apparently, as usual, easy mode, especially if you get the Chaos Emeralds.
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"There's a pony in the shop, but don't buy it. It might do something unfortunate to you." ~from the first Summoner's Seal topic