"Are You There God? It's Me, Burgess"
Sometimes…
…you can cry until there is nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen. And, still, it makes NO difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did relent…
…it would not be because it cared.
-- from "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac"
...
Im sorry Katie.
…
There's a great deal of material that I could cover here; numerous things that have been swarming through what's left of my mind. Ill just go through some of the big things that I think about though. If I were to cover everything, well, then I would be writing something that would almost amount to a thesis paper. I have neither the time nor the tolerance to do such a thing at such a time. Plus, if I were to expound on and analyze every little thing, then I would have to know every minute detail, and if I could do that, then I wouldn't have any question, now would I?
In the Name of the Father…
The concept of religion is something that has been around far, far longer than people can recall. There have also been many different plays on it, almost too many to count. The Greeks had an entire pantheon of gods that were worshipped, covering everything from agriculture to war, wine to death. The Romans also had a similar system, as did the ancient Egyptians. Wars have been waged and countless lives have been lost all in the name of a persons beliefs. Almost the entire Jewish population of Europe was eradicated during the 1930s to 1940s just because of their religion.
What does any of this have to do with what I'm talking about? Very little actually. I don't worship the Greek, Roman, or Egyptian gods. Im not Jewish. I'm actually Catholic…kind of. I'm not a practicing Catholic; I'm more of a trying Catholic. I try to be a good Catholic, but not very well. I try to believe in it, but again, not very well. God and I haven't been on speaking terms for a few years, probably longer than that. Things just happened.
It's Called Background for a Reason
When I was a little young Burgess, I used to go to the church classes. I would sit every Wednesday night and learn everything that I was supposed to learn. I believed in everything that I was told. This was long before I became what I am now. My family never did go to church every Sunday. We covered the two main holidays of Easter and Christmas, and maybe the odd day we would go if we had the time. Granted, it was not the best way to do things, but not the complete worst either. Things were fine and went about like this for years.
I stopped going to the classes sometime around my seventh grade year I believe. I just started doing sports then, and didn't have the time to go anymore. I didn't think too much of it because I still believed. As long as I kept doing that, I figured that it was better than not believing at all. However, a couple of years after this, something happened. Those that know me might know what I'm talking about, and of course those that don't have no idea what I'm saying. To those that dont: too bad, there are some things I prefer to keep inside. At any rate, something happened that changed my whole outlook. I tried to find the answer, perhaps some reason as to why things played out the way that they did, but found none. I looked for religious solace, but also found nothing there either. I kept trying and trying until finally I just stopped. In my brash youth, I just gave up. I quit believing in anything religiously.
Because
In my quest for the answer to the question "Why?", the main thing that I was told was that all things happen for a reason, and I would just have to trust in that. I wasn't buying it. What was the reason someone I cared greatly about had to suffer the way they did? What was the reason that they had to die like that? To me, there was no reason that would do. I felt that they were either betrayed or ignored by whatever greater power was out there. There was no lesson that I could see in it. No moral to the story.
Of course, just about anyone that knows anything about religion knows that to question God is blasphemy. To wonder about anything is to show doubt, and that is not to be done. You just have to go with whatevers thrown at you, accept it, deal with it, and move on. That's something that I have a very hard time doing. I am the type that has to question everything, and search for the meaning to everything. Sometimes I can find the answer, and sometimes I can't. Of course, a great deal of life itself is searching for a reason for it. Countless others have been searching for the reasons to everything long before I was even a half-hearted idea of something that would exist, and the search will continue long after I become a faded memory of existence. After all, if everyone knew everything from the start, what would be the point of life?
You Would've Read This Anyway
One of the biggest conundrums that comes to me is the concept of fate. One of the oddest things that I see are people who are religious and believe in free will. The way I see it, in order to be religious, you have to believe in fate, and denounce free will completely. The reasoning for that is this: God is omniscient and omnipotent. Sees all, knows all, and can do all. With fate, your whole life has been decided. Everything from when you would be born, to how many times you go to the bathroom, what you would say at any given moment, to when you would die. Every little detail perfectly orchestrated. This has to be the standard. If there was free will, God would not know all, because he would not know what you would do. If God is not omniscient, then God is not God. You can't be half way on this; its all or nothing. Everything is going to happen, and theres nothing anyone can do about it. I was going to type this at some point. You were going to read it. The people who dont read it were never meant to read it.
Admittedly, I would like to think that I alone was master of all my choices. However, sometimes things happen that make me take a step back; things that seemed to work out too perfectly, for better or for worse. No doubt that everyone has experienced this in some way. Of course, if everything is predetermined, then why would God make it so that I would question his existence and renounce him almost completely? That seems to go against the grain of the whole idea. The case could be made that this goes back to everything happening for a reason, and people would see the folly of my ways and try not to end up like me. In order to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs I guess. I just wish that I wasnt one of the ones that was getting cracked.
Bottom Line
There are no easy answers for something like this; thats kind of the point. Like I said earlier, if the answers were easy to find, then there would be no point in living. What it comes down to in my eyes is that the answer ends up being different things for different people. Some eventually find some solutions, but only after a lifetime of trying. Some, like me, get too frustrated and give up.
I can say now that after doing a great deal of searching, I have found some things. Not a great deal, but enough for this time in my life. While God and I aren't on speaking terms, the rift is being patched up somewhat. Maybe someday Ill be able to accept things like I used to, but at this point its still touch and go. I hope to get back there one day, because everyone needs to believe in something, to have something that drives them on. I'm still driving, but I don't know where and why.
No matter what the choice is for you, that's up to you. Your life should be lived however you feel it should be lived.
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