Full Compilation
Episode 1: Rebirth
Light: Huh, someone dropped their book.
Light: "The human whose name is written in this note shall die."
Light: ...It really says a lot about my character that my first thought is "let's find someone to test this on."
Ryuk: BOO!
Light: You are the least threatening shinigami I've ever see.
Ryuk: Hey so, I'm just sayin', eventually I'll have to kill you.
Light: I have no reason to believe that's foreshadowing!
Episode 2: Confrontation
Lind: My name is Lind L Taylor and I will capture Kira!
Light: DIE.
Lind: Urk. *dies*
L: You've triggered my trap!
Light: Oh HELL no.
Episode 3: Dealings
Ryuk: Someone's following you.
Light: Yeah, I'll kill him eventually.
Ryuk: Or you could make the eye deal and kill him right now!
Light: Sure, but then the second half of the series wouldn't happen.
Light: ...
Light: Actually, that sounds good, let's do that.
Ryuk: You're not supposed to say that! Stop trying to screw up the plot!
Episode 4: Pursuit
Light: L DID YOU KNOW GODS OF DEATH LOVE APPLES
L: Ominous!
Criminal: This is a stick-up! Nobody move!
Raye Penber: We're on a bus. This is highly illogical!
Light: I have a plan.
Raye: No, I have a plan. I'm an FBI agent, see?
Light: (Just as planned.)
Episode 5: Tactics
Light: Guess what, Raye Penber. I'm Kira.
Raye: Well, shit.
Light: Instead of using FBI judo to kick my ass, follow my orders. Write the names of every FBI agent on this piece of paper.
Raye: I don't see the harm in that!
FBI: *dies*
Raye: Well, shit. AGAIN!
Light: Thanks. But sadly, you have outlived your usefulness.
Raye: (It was Light Yagami!)
Raye: (Too bad I'm not smarter or I'd yell that really loudly!)
Raye: *dies*
Episode 6: Unraveling
Light: Man, I really hope I can get over my need to reveal myself at the last second before episode 36!
L: It's time for the investigation team to meet me in person.
Matsuda: Cool.
Aizawa: Wait, you're L? Aren't you a little young?
L: Due to the competence zone, I actually have a much higher chance of catching Kira than any of you.
Matsuda: Wow, he really is a genius!
Episode 7: Overcast
Light: I overlooked something. This woman is gonna get me caught! She must DIE!
Naomi: No.
Ryuk: Hahaha.
Light: ...Fuck. The deal, Ryuk?
Ryuk: No way.
Light: Then I'll have to improvise. Want a job working with L? I could arrange that. I just need your real name.
Naomi: Well, even though I already know that Kira needs a name to kill, I really do want that job.
Light: Cool, cool. Let me write that down so I don't forget.
Naomi: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Light: That? I guess that's because... I'M KIRA.
Light: ...Seriously, I need to stop doing that. Bad Light. No gloating!
Episode 8: Glare
Light: My room is bugged. I know this because I set up an elaborate trap of pencil leads and pieces of paper.
Light: Also, the door handle should have been slightly ajar, but it was not.
Ryuk: You are the lamest genius serial killer ever.
Light: Now to throw off L. First, I'll need an ordinary bag of potato chips with a TV and a piece of the Death Note inside.
Light: Then I'll take this chip... AND EAT IT!
Ryuk: Have you considered majoring in drama when you go to college?
Episode 9: Encounter
L: Hi.
Light: Hi.
L: I'm L.
Light: Cool. I'm Kir-I mean, Light. Light is what I meant.
Episode 10: Doubt
L: Up for a game of tennis?
Light: Sure.
Light [thinking]: Should I win? If I win, he'll think I'm Kira, because Kira likes to win. But if I lose, maybe he'll know that I know that he knows Kira likes to win and he'll realize I'm losing on purpose. So I should win. But what if he knows I know he knows I know that, so he'll think I'm winning just to throw him off by incriminating myself? Crap! Is my shirt on inside out? Only a twisted person would wear their shirt inside out. A twisted person like Kira! No, no, I remember, I put my shirt on correctly. But maybe he knows I know that only a twisted person would wear their shirt inside out...
L: Light? Game's over.
Light: ...
Light: Did I win?
L: By the way, your father had a heart attack.
Episode 11: Assault
Kira: THIS IS KIRA.
Kira: KIRA IS LEGION.
Kira: KIRA DOES NOT FORGIVE.
Kira: KIRA DOES NOT FORGET.
Kira: WE HAVE THEREFORE DECIDED, THAT CRIMINALS MUST BE KILLED. FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY, FOR THE GOOD OF THE WORLD, AND FOR OUR OWN AMUSEMENT.
Aizawa: Somebody stop this broadcast!
Ukita: I'm on it!
Ukita: *dies*
L: ...Huh. Let's NOT DO THAT AGAIN, okay?
Soichiro: No, let's. With a truck.
*crash*
Soichiro: Stop this broadcast before I shoot you. To death. ...With a gun.
L: Compelling television.
Episode 12: Love
L: Light, I want you to help on my investigation team.
Light: If I am Kira, wouldn't that be a spectacularly bad idea?
L: No. If you feed me bad information, you'll look even more suspicious.
Light: ...Oh. Right.
L: So, what do you think about this?
Light: I think there's a second, more idiotic, Kira. I'd never be stupid enough to do something this dumb.
Light: ...
Light: I mean, hypothetically.
Light: ...
Light: I'm not Kira.
Episode 13: Confession
Light: Time to find the second Kira. Luckily I have MANY MANY FRIENDS so it won't look like Ryuk is following me.
Misa: That's Kira! I can't see his lifespan, so I know it's him!
Light: Well, shit. Time for some damage control.
Light: I LOVE YOU MISA, LET'S BE A COUPLE
Misa: YAAAAAAY
Rem: If you hurt her, I'll kill you.
Light: What if I kill her painlessly?
Rem: ...
Light: Just hypothetically.
Rem: ...
Light: Because it wouldn't technically hurt-
Rem: You should stop talking.
Episode 14: Friend
Light: Rem, would you kill L for us?
Rem: No.
Misa: Pleeeeease?
Rem: ...Okay, fine. Right now?
Light: Hold on.
L: Soichiro, you should know that if I die in the next few days, Light is Kira.
Light: ...No, not right now.
L: LIIIIIIIGHT! YOU ARE MY NAKAMAAAAAAAA!
Audience: Awww... there's no way Light could kill him now!
Light: I WILL KILL HIM SO HARD
Audience: ...Dammit Light!
Episode 15: Wager
Light: Hey L, this is my girlfriend, Misa.
L: *grope grope*
L: Err... I will not rest until I catch the evil... groping hand... guy!
Light: That wasn't out of character or suspicious at all! Now Misa, run along.
Light: ...Time to call her and have her kill L.
*ring, ring*
L: Hello? Light? Just FYI - we've arrested Misa for being the second Kira.
Light: ...
L: This is what you get for trying to kill me.
Episode 16: Decision
Light: I can save Misa. But I need your help, Ryuk, Rem.
Rem: ...
Light: Misa's already renounced ownership. So when I say "get rid of it", no matter what the context, assume I'm renouncing ownership of the Death Note too.
Ryuk: k
Light: L, I'm turning myself in. I might be Kira.
L: ...You don't know?
Light: It's like Schrodinger's Kira. I wasn't looking when I was killing people, so I don't know.
Light: Anyway, put me in solitary confinement. If criminals stop dying, I'm Kira.
L: So how's the cell, Light?
Light: Cramped. I look stupid, huh? With all this useless pride... I guess I should just GET RID OF IT.
Light: ...
Light: L, HELP! I'M NOT KIRA, LET ME OUT!
L: ...Intriguing.
Episode 17: Execution
Matsuda: 15 days worth of criminals just died all at once!
L: ...Don't tell Light about this.
Soichiro: Youse gon' die.
Light: This is madness!
L: THIS! IS! ...all an act, actually. Now let's find the real Kira from my COOL SECRET HEADQUARTERS!
Episode 18: Ally
L: Can the world's greatest serial killer, his girlfriend/accomplice, and the world's best detective share an apartment without driving each other crazy?
*POW*
Light: L, I have asked you SEVERAL TIMES to stop repeating that GODDAMN JOKE.
*KICK*
L: My hands are chained up and I'm a master of kicks. I'm Regal goddamn Bryant right now, DO NOT mess with me.
Misa: Boys, boys...
Light: Enough sitcom wackiness. Yotsuba is benefitting from Kira's killings! Kira must be one of them!
Yotsuba Group: We're motherfuckin' SEELE meets Microsoft, we ain't afraid of nobody!
Soichiro: The police have given up. We either need to cut ties with L or turn in our badges.
Aizawa: Crap, I have a family to support. But I'm irreplaceable to this investigation.
L: Hey guys, meet Aiber and Wedy! They're here to replace anyone who might leave.
Aizawa: ...oh.
Episode 19: Matsuda
L: As long as no one does anything insanely stupid, my plan will succeed.
Matsuda: I'm so goddamn cool. I'm like Solid Snake meets Batman, only better looking.
Hatori: What are you doing here?
Matsuba: Err. Door to door MisaMisa salesman?
Hatori: ...Go on.
L: Goddammit, Matsuda!
Light: We can save him. We have the technology.
L: Or we could let him die and it would confirm that Yotsuba is Kira.
Light: ...
L: I'm just sayin'...
L: Anyway, Matsuda, I have a plan.
Misa: Let's go back to my apartment and have a party!
Yotsuba: ...Cool.
Matsuda: HEY GUYS I'M DRUNK TIME TO INFORM THE INTERNET
Matsuda: IS THE INTERNET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS NARROW LEDGE
Matsuda: OH GOD I FELL
Soichiro: *catch*
Yotsuba: Well, he's dead forever. Who needs Kira when our enemies are idiots?
L: That is a very good question.
Episode 20: Makeshift
L: Light, if I die, will you become the new L?
Light: No, because this is a trick.
L: Actually, I just watched ahead and realized that the other three guys in line to be L are total failures.
Light: They really, really are.
L: Dammit, why did you kill Naomi? Near and Mello _combined_ aren't HALF the L she was.
Light: You still think I'm Kira?
L: No, I do not think you're Kira.
Soichiro: So can we arrest Yotsuba or what?
L: Do what you want, I won't take part in this. C'mon Light, let's go to Misa's room.
Misa: YAAAAY! Super happy friendship club!
Light: Yes. Yes, we are all friends here.
L: Totally.
Episode 21: Performance
Aiber: Are you Kira?
Misa: Do you ask that during all interviews?
Rem: I love you, Misa. Here, have some very important plot info.
Misa: Higuchi is Kira! Time for a cunning plan!
Higuchi: We are on a date and definitely not Kira.
Misa: Totally.
Misa: BTW I actually am Kira.
Higuchi: Me too! Let's get married!
Misa: Prove it! Stop killing people!
Higuchi: kk
Misa: (Just as planned.)
Episode 22: Guidance
Light: Well, Misa's an idiot.
L: My god! And I thought I was the world's best detective! Light, you must take the name of L. Clearly your genius exceeds even my own. You were able to determine Misa's level of intelligence, a fact that has eluded even me, just by analyzing her intensely stupid actions! Why, with this new knowledge-
Light: I get. The point.
L: Really? I have more.
Light: But I have a plan to fix this and catch Higuchi.
L: Make it so.
Namikawa: We are totally good guys now.
Matsuda: im in ur tv, revealin ur kira
Higuchi: I killed that guy! And people die if they are killed! No, nothing about this adds up at all!
Light: It's almost scary how well our plan is working.
L: Our plan depended on Higuchi being stupid and Matsuda being clumsy. How could it fail?
Episode 23: Frenzy
Higuchi: Dammit, I'll just go to Sakura TV and look at his face. The deal, Rem!
Rem: Yes, that's a good idea. Is there anyone in this series that the deal doesn't screw over?
Higuchi: MANNEQUINS?!
Soichiro: Freeze! Police!
Higuchi: You're not a policeman! ...And YOU'RE a criminal!
Wedy: But I have a gun.
Higuchi: Really? You too?
*bang*
Soichiro: Dammit, why is it always me who gets shot?!
Light: Higuchi is escaping.
Aizawa: No.
Higuchi: Yes.
Watari: No.
Higuchi: wtf aimbot HAX
Episode 24: Revival
Soichiro: GAH! A MONSTER!
Mogi: You're imagining thin-GAH! A MONSTER!
L: Notebook GET!
L: (...WTF NOTEBOOK SHINIGAMI AOYAMA LIGHT MISA LOVE HATE CLOUDS)
Light: I wanna see!
Light: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
L: Are... are you okay?
Light: Yes. My memories totally did not just return or anything. I'm gonna check the notebook for names. Could you look away for like... a minute?
L: ...Kay...
Light: (Longest. 40 seconds. Ever.)
Higuchi: *dies*
Light: (All according to keikaku.)
Light: (Keikaku means plan.)
Episode 25: Silence
L: Can you hear them? The bells?
Light: This is rather foreboding.
L: Sorry, I get like this sometimes. Want a footrub? It's totally not symbolic.
Light: .........
Misa: The deal, Ryuk. Again!
Matsuda: Criminals are being punished! Again!
L: Let's verify the Death Note.
Rem: (This is all part of Light's plan! He can even kill shinigami now!)
Watari: *dies*
L: Everyone, the shinigami has-
L: (My only regret... is that I have... Raye Penber syndrome... and don't just yell "it's Light!")
L: *dies*
Rem: *dies*
Light: A winner is me!
Audience: WTF NO NOT THE COOL LETTER GUY ANYBODY BUT THE COOL LETTER GUY
Episode 26: Renewal
Audience: A recap episode? We can skip this, right?
Near: No, because it has me in it, and I am far too important to skip.
Light: I AM THE GOD OF THE NEW WORLD. Cue the Latin chorus; it's time to kill off half the cast!
Aiber: *dies*
Wedy: *dies*
Yotsuba: *dies*
Roger: Near, Mello... L is dead.
Near: Cool.
Episode 27: Abduction
Mello: I hate you, Near.
Near: Really? Join the club, it's called "EVERYONE", and they meet on the internet.
Roger: You should work together.
Mello: No thanks.
Soichiro: The director has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are we bad enough dudes to rescue the director?
Light: No.
Director: *dies*
Light: No, we are not.
Mello: That was rather careless of Kira, wasn't it?
Light: Well, yes, it's post timeskip, so I'm an idiot now.
Mello: We've got Sayu.
Light: ...Crap.
Episode 28: Impatience
Light: Let's do this.
Mello: Surprise! Despite all appearances, I'm NOT an idiot.
Light: Near, little help?
Near: Sure thing.
*Near doesn't do anything because he's an asshole*
Mello: Notebook GET
SPK: *dies*
Mello: Clearly the way to become the best detective ever is to kill off innocent policemen for no reason.
Near: Haha, sucks to be you, Light! See what happens when you're not as brilliant as me? People die!
Light: Goddamn, compared to you two I'm the most Lawful Good hero ever.
Episode 29: Father
Kira: I will help you catch Mello.
Light: kthx
Soichiro: I CAN SEE YOUR NAME, MIHAEL KEEHL.
Light: Yessss... Let your HATE consume you...
*BULLETS!*
Soichiro: ...Why do I always get shot? Why ME? Why not Light?
Light: Don't worry, it's coming.
Soichiro: Light, I can see your lifespan, so you're not Kira.
Light: KILL HIM! KILL HIM WITH THE NOTEBOOK!
Soichiro: Yes, definitely not Kira... *dies*
Shidoh: In case you guys forgot, I want my notebook, yo.
Light: Mello got away. Good thing there's no way he will completely screw me over later!
Episode 30: Justice
Mello: Surprise! I'm screwing Light over. *grab*
Lidner: Wow, I look really incompetent here. It's a shame they cut that whole "collaborating with Mello" thing from the manga. With that, this scene would actually make sense!
Near: Sup Mello. I hate criminals more than anything, but apparently I don't care that you killed innocent SPK members for no reason.
Mello: Sorry about that. Here's a tip to make up for it: one of the rules is fake.
Light: CRAP. I need to get rid of Near! I'll have to BLACKMAIL THE PRESIDENT!
Light: ...
Light: I swear, this made SO much more sense in the manga.
Near: I love justice, but I HATE angry mob justice.
Light: LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, NEAR!
Near: Seriously, there are times when it's a good idea to gloat. Now? Now is not one of those times.
Episode 31: Transfer
Light: What?! You're actually escaping?! That's not fair! That's... that's against the rules!
Near: SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE MONEY!
Aizawa: Since Matsuda is useless and Aizawa and Ide have no personality, it falls on me to take Soichiro's job and become the "somewhat useful but without overshadowing the main characters" guy.
Aizawa: Which, naturally, leads to me betraying Light and joining Near!
Light: It is so hard to find good help nowadays.
Aizawa: I'm gonna investigate Misa now. Because God knows it's been so helpful to do in the past.
Light: Investigate her all you want, I passed off the notebook to Teru Mikami. I knew to pick him, because he looks exactly like Taro Kagami, the main character of the pilot.
Light: Only while Taro Kagami seemed good-natured but was actually incredibly sneaky and deceptive, Teru Mikami seems awesome but is actually BATSHIT CRAZY and an idiot.
Light: Clearly choosing him was the right idea!
Demegawa: We shall construct a monument to Kira, ONE BILLION FEET TALL, so that he-
*DELETE'd*
Aizawa: We're in trouble. Demegawa's death means that we're pretty much the only minor characters left.
Episode 32: Selection
Mikami: Look how young and cute I am! I stand up to bullies and protect my classmates! You'll all love me, right?
Audience: Awww... Of course we love you, Mikami!
Mikami: My mom and all those other bad people died in an accident... THIS IS AWESOME! GOD IS ANSWERING MY PRAYERS AND KILLING EVIL PEOPLE!
Audience: Fuck.
Mikami: I'll make Kiyomi Takada the new Kira spokesperson.
Light: Luckily, like all women in this series, Takada is weak, stupid, easily deceived, and in love with a psychopath. It'll be easy to manipulate her!
NPA: ...
Light: ...Err. Manipulate her... to lead us... to Kira. Obviously. What did you think I meant?
Aizawa: Well-
Matsuda: I thought you meant sex.
Aizawa: *facepalm*
Light: ...Goddammit Matsuda.
Takada: So why did you want to meet me?
Light: I love you. Let's have sex.
Takada: I am charmed by your charmingness.
Mikami: Are you there, God? It's me, Mikami.
Light: ...Creepy. Could you hold on? I'll remove the wiretaps and cameras.
Matsuda: That's not suspicious! That's not suspicious at all!
Light: JUST AS PLANNED! ...Sorry, I haven't been able to say that in a while, Captain Non-Fro and the Albino Jackass won't let me have any fun.
Takada: So can we have sex now?
Light: No, I'm actually gay.
Episode 33: Scorn
Near: Light Yagami is L. L is Kira. L-Kira cannot communicate with X-Kira, but he CAN meet with Takada. Therefore, X-Kira must be someone who has had contact with Takada!
*Near glances at a nearby television*
Near: Aha! Mikami is speaking to Takada right now! Thereby scientifically proving that he is X-Kira!
Rester: That seems a little-
Near: Gevanni, go gather incriminating evidence on Mikami!
Rester: Why? You don't need evidence, you just need a television!
Misa: I love Light.
Takada: I love Light.
Misa: No, I love Light!
Light: I love myself.
Near: I love being psychic.
Mikami: I love screwing up.
Audience: We hate this episode.
Episode 34: Vigilance
Light: Nothing happens in this episode.
Near: My team and I did some stuff.
Light: ...Nothing GOOD happens in this episode.
Near: Touche.
Episode 35: Malice
Near: So Light, wanna go out on a date? I have a romantic warehouse picked out for us.
Light: Okay, but you should know I still haven't gotten over my weird obsession with L.
Mello: Takada GET
Matt: I'm definitely not a throwaway character who gets 3 seconds of screentime and then dies. *rolls for bluff*
*BULLETS!*
Matt: Goddamn natural 1. *dies*
Mello: I will now "pet the dog" by grieving over my friend's death. This is no doubt the author's attempt to make me seem more sympathetic so viewers ignore the whole "killed innocent people for no reason" thing and feel sad when I die.
*NOTEBOOK!*
Mello: *dies*
Audience: IT DIDN'T WORK.
Light: Takada, did you do the thing I wanted you to do?
Takada: Yes Light, I did the thing you told me to do.
Matsuda: How unsuspicious!
Light: Look on the bright side! Being kidnapped is bad, but it isn't as bad as the burning!
Takada: What burning?
*NOTEBOOK!*
Takada: Oh, that burning. *dies*
Matsuda: That's even more unsuspicious!
Episode 36: 1.28
Light: From here, the plot won't stop until I'm dead.
Mikami: Or I am.
Misa: Or Misa is!
Near: Or all of you!
Light: Let's rock.
---
Light: You're wearing an L mask?
Near: My bad, I thought you'd be into roleplaying.
Mikami: Urge to kill... RISING...
Light: (...Goddamn, this is the longest 40 seconds ever. I've been monologuing for like 7 minutes real time. Is this the Yellow Box Warehouse or friggin' Namek?)
Matsuda: Crap, we're gonna die!
Light: (Must resist urge to gloat... If something goes wrong and I don't gloat, they got nuthin' on me. I should play it safe.)
Mikami: 39 seconds.
Light: WELL NEAR, LOOKS LIKE I WIN!
Light: ...
Light: *#$%ing old habits!
Episode 37: New World
Near: No, I win.
Light: What.
Near: We also replaced the REAL notebook!
Light: ...GODDAMMIT, did EVERYONE here take stupid pills, or was it just the plot?!
Mikami: *bleeds profusely*
Light: Screw it. You can't kill me! I am the god of the new world!
Near: No, you're just a murderer.
Light: No, I've got a notebook. Technically that makes me a shinigami, ergo a god.
Near: ...okay granted, but this is not the "new world".
Light: If there can be "new technology", there can be a "new world".
Near: No. I'm very nearly omniscient, and that explanation still makes no sense.
Light: .........
Light [writing]: NATE RIVE-
*BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG*
Light: Shot by the comic relief. That's a bad way to die.
Matsuda: Good, bad - I'm the guy with the gun.
Light: *twitch*
Light: THAT did it. I'm outta here.
Near: It's unlikely he has any more pieces of the notebook.
Audience: HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW STUFF LIKE THAT?
Near: Technically he has that piece in his wallet, but he conveniently forgot about it.
Audience: We hate you so much.
Ryuk: Light Yagami. Dies after a nearby albino detective is punched in the face.
*POW*
Near: WTF was that for?!
Ryuk: Your omniscience ruined my fun.
Ryuk: And your shirt is ugly.
Light: I will die the way I lived... Fantasizing about L.
Light: *dies*
Misa: *suicide*
Audience: ...
Audience: Holy CRAP this is a fucking DARK ending.
Matsuda: All according to plan.
BONUS! Manga ending:
Matsuda: Did we do good?
Ide: Yes.
Matsuda: Think Near notebook'd Mikami?
Ide: That WOULD make him substantially cooler...
Cult of Kira: We still love you Kira!
Kiragami: kthx
BONUS! Manga special chapter:
Rester: Near, old people are being killed via Death Note.
Near: Don't care. Look at my incredibly large and elaborate tarot card fortress that I can hide in!
Rester: But it's Kira!
Near: This guy is an insult to Kira. Call him C-Kira. The C stands for Crappy.
Rester: Regardless...
Near: Look, I'm... I'm frickin' Nate River. I'm frickin' Near. I'm like... a guy named Nate who is Near a River... You have to do what I say, or I push you in and your clothes get wet.
Rester: ...
Near: ...
Rester: This isn't any fun when only one of us is high.
Near: Fine, look, I'll get rid of C-Kira. Get me on TV.
L: Greetings world, this is L.
L: Yes, there is a new Kira, and no, he is not the old Kira.
L: He also sucks and I'm not getting involved.
L: Seriously the police can handle this idiot.
L: But that isn't a good enough reason to hijack the airwaves, so here's a message for C-Kira.
L: YOU ARE AN ABOMINABLE MONSTER
C-Kira: *suicide*
Near: There, he's gone, are you goddamn happy now?
Rester: ...
Near: That's two Kiras I've driven to suicide, by the way. If I had a nickel for every Kira I've driven to suicide... I would have a dime.