Love still sucks.
The last time I wrote an article, I just started typing and words simply flowed onto the computer screen. It was something I had never done before. Usually, when I write about myself, everything is just so…forced. It’s like trying to get your dog to go into its cage. It doesn’t want to go in, so you really have to push hard to force it inside. And when you do, you feel bad about it and are unhappy with the end result. That’s how my journal entries always were. Even when I would have something to write about, I still couldn’t do it. Part of it might have been that I knew that my teacher was going to read it, since it was required to do the journal entries. Another part was that I just plain hated writing.
But here I am at 2 o’clock in the morning, typing away on my keyboard. I don’t understand why I am just suddenly able to write. Maybe part of it was seeing Burgess’s articles. You might say that they were the inspiration for my writing. I’ve had a lot of the same experiences as him, and agree with a lot of his views, such as his view on gay marriage for example. I’m not gay, but one of my best friends is, and after hanging out with him for a while, I went from being a total homophobic republican to a democrat who respects the rights of homosexual individuals, and gets pissed off when conservative Christian radicals like my mom say that we should oppress the rights of gay people because the Bible says so. She might as well be saying let’s enslave African-Americans again because it’s the right thing to do. However, she can be quite racist towards Blacks at times, which pisses me off as well. It’s tough growing up an in environment where your views differ so much from those of your parents. Oh, and I live in Missouri, where a gay marriage ban passed with 70% of the votes. And you can guess where my parents’ votes fall.
Anyway, like Burgess, I also met a girl on the internet. Her name was Deirdre. Weird name, I know. I actually first encountered her by “yelling” at her on AIM for telling my friend that his relationship with his girlfriend (her best friend) was over. We actually some how became good friends instead of bitter enemies. And as we continued to talk to each other on AIM our relationship went from friends to something a little more along the lines of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Though it wasn’t really that, because we still hadn’t met.
So then one day, I finally had the opportunity to meet her. This was shortly after Amy broke up with me, so I was still very inexperienced in love. On top of that, I was with my conservative Christian mom, who insisted on coming along because she hadn’t met the girl before. Normally, you bring a girl home to your parents when you’ve been going out for a while and it’s serious. But in this case, my mom was bringing herself to the girl before we were even going out. It SUCKED. On top of my mom being there, my shyness overcame me and I hardly said a single thing to her. Plus, this was before I shed my glasses in exchange for contacts, so I looked like a geek.
Therefore, I wasn’t surprised at all when she told me later on AIM that she didn’t feel like we clicked and that we should just be friends. Let me translate that from girlspeak to English: “You’re such a geek. First of all, you look like a geek. Second of all, you act like a geek. Third of all, you did the geekiest thing possible by bringing your mom along with you. In fact, you’ll probably grow up to be a thirty-something-year-old ubergeek IT guy who lives in his parents’ basement. You’ll never have sex with anyone, and certainly not with me. I wouldn’t have sex with you we were the last two people on Earth and the survival of the human race depended upon me having sex with you simply to save humans from extinction. I spit on you, geek.”
Well, after that, I vowed to never have another internet relationship again. But I’m really ****ing desperate. So I started talking to another girl who goes to the same school as Deirdre. It will probably end in misery, as all my relationships have. Fortunately, I haven’t met her in person yet. I’m glad about that, because it means that I can still get out whenever I want. But her offer is really tempting…she’s asked me whether I think it’s ok to make out on a first date, and said that she thinks it’s ok, without me even asking her what she thinks about it. Tempting, but I doubt that I will walk down the path of internet relationships again. The problem is, I haven’t been able to find a girl who’ll go out with me in real life since my relationship with Amy.
Last year was my freshman year of high school, and it sucked. All the guys made fun of me, and the only girls that talked to me did so out of sympathy (they think they we don’t know when it’s out of sympathy, but we do). I didn’t ask a single girl from my school out the entire year. I knew that they would either say no, or go out with me out of sympathy for me, which, unless it ends with sex, is worse than them saying no. If someone’s going to go out with me, I want it to be because they like me and for no other reason than that. That’s part of the reason why I’m switching schools next year. I need a fresh start.
The school that I’m going to next year is a school for children with “atypical learning styles,” which, in layman’s terms, means kids that struggled in a regular school. Don’t get me wrong, I have a very high I.Q. and got all A’s and B’s last year, but it was a <i>constant</i> struggle. I’m really excited about going there, partially because there’s very little homework, and the classes are supposedly very engaging, which should be very helpful to me since I have ADHD and struggle with paying attention for long periods of time. But the thing that I’m looking forward to the most is that there are going to be other kids there who also have ADHD and some of the other problems that I have. I really think that I might be able to finally get another girlfriend. A girl who also has problems, a girl to whom I can tell anything, a girl who actually loves me.
But until then, I’m alone, with hardly anyone to talk to except for my friends at TFN. In fact, the internet really is the only place where I can express myself freely, without getting made fun of by anyone. I often wonder, if I were to go to school with the same people that I talk to every day on The Flux, the one group of people who never make fun of me, would they make fun of me as much as the guys at my old school? Thankfully, I’ll never have to know.
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