I know what you're doing, Mike, and I'm not happy.
Well, it’s that time again. And by that time, I mean late at night, which is when I do all of my writing. I tried to write something this morning, but it turned out all happy and mushy and had a positive outlook to it. Yuck. It was a piece of crap. I hate writing about happy things. I don’t know why. Maybe I hate feeling happy. I have no idea.
Whatever it is, it is the reason why I do all my writing at night. The sunlight seems to have a feel-good hippy effect on me. It was awful. I went for a jog and sat down at a gazebo by a pond and watched the sun rise. Looking back on it, I realize that I was acting like a stupid hippy idiot. If I had had a girl with me, it would have been slightly less pitiful, considering it would have been kind of romantic. But as you surely know by now, I have no girl in my life. So I was there by myself. I’m surprised that as the sun was rising, I didn’t start singing that “Aquarius” song. I’m certainly glad that it’s now nighttime, and I have returned to my normal depressed state. I think what I should probably do is board up every window in my house so that not a single evil ray of happiness shines upon me in the morning.
The truth is, I really do prefer nighttime to daytime. For some reason, I always seem to be able to transfer my thoughts onto the computer screen at night. I seem to be able to think more clearly at night. Perhaps part of that is because I don’t have my parents constantly looking over my shoulder to see what I am doing. Every time they come into the room I either close every window I have open or close my laptop, depending on which computer I’m on. I do it so much that they probably think that I do nothing but constantly look at porn and go to websites that teach you how to make pipe bombs. In reality, it’s simply a privacy issue. It’s not that I’m doing anything wrong (I only look at hentai when they’re asleep or not home) it’s merely a privacy issue. It would be like having my parents with me while I was on a date. It’s not that I’m engaging in any activities that they wouldn’t approve of (unless it ended better than expected, if you know what I mean), I just don’t want them seeing everything that I’m doing. If you are unlucky enough to have parents, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
While I’m on the subject of my parents, I’ll go ahead and tell you a little more about them. My mom is a special-ed teacher. Which is of little consequence to what I’m saying. Just bear in mind that she’s a very conservative homophobic Christian radical from Tennessee. My dad is from here in Missouri, and he is also quite conservative. And, on top of that, he’s a police officer. The combination of my mom’s conservativeness and strong Christian beliefs and my dad being a police officer has caused me a great deal of discomfort over the years. My parents demand to literally constantly know where I am, and they will never let me go anywhere with someone that they haven’t met. (See “Love still sucks.” article). Because of this, until I get my driver’s license, which will be at the end of the next schoolyear, I won’t be able to go anywhere without them knowing exactly who will be there and what will be going on. They’re like any of the parents from the “ask: who? what? where? who the hell gives a crap?” commercials where the parents badger their kids about where they are going, sucking every little detail out of their kids.
I truly wish, for the sake of all teenagers everywhere, that parents would just stop asking. In fact, they should let their kids do whatever they want, which would probably result in them getting in less trouble anyway. Look at it this way: do you think that Adam and Eve would have eaten the forbidden fruit if God hadn’t told them not to? You’re probably thinking to yourself, “But Epsilon, they probably would have anyway, you handsome devil you.” True, since food is food, but permitting someone to do something takes the fun out of it, so they would have been much less quick to do it. So if you let kids smoke or drink or whatever, it takes the fun out of it and makes them less likely to do it; prohibiting them from doing it just makes it all the more fun.
The worst thing of all is, my dad is a total genius when it comes to mechanics and technology. He has told me on several occasions that he will install a GPS thingy on my car (a homing beacon, essentially) so that he can see where I am anytime he wants. In fact, he’ll probably figure out a way to install a hidden camera in my forehead so that he can see exactly what I’m doing all the time. I was kidding about the latter part, but I’m dead serious about the former. This basically means that throughout my entire time in high school, I won’t be able to have sex, even if I DO finally get a girlfriend, because he’ll see that my car is at her house, or at the Motel 6 behind that gas station over yonder. The bottom line: because of my parents, I’m going to die a virgin. Life sucks.
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