"Caution"
Sigh noise.
People are <b>SO</b> stupid.
Look around you, the evidence is everywhere. I’m not talking about war, smoking, guns, “reality” television or any of that crap. The evidence is even clearer than that. You want to know what I’m talking about, just look at the lid of a cup of coffee. What’s it say: Caution: HOT. How could someone not understand that coffee is hot? There are way more examples of this that are seen every day, and for the show, hell, let’s go through an average day of being me and see how many other examples of idiocy can be seen.
<b><u>The Dead Rise</b></u>
I get up out of bed in the early morning since I was lucky enough to actually sleep. I wander down to my bathroom and look at the sorry bastard in the mirror. Then I tell him to get out so I can use the bathroom, and look at myself, who looks worse than him. I grab my toothbrush and the toothpaste. There’s some writing on the tube, and being the curious sort that I am, I read it. <i>Warning: Do not ingest</i>. Naturally, I start laughing my ass off at this. They have to put a warning on toothpaste telling people not to just squeeze out a bunch and eat it. Who the fuck would be that stupid to do something like that? I mean, sure, I like mints as much as the next guy, but c’mon.
After my giggle fit, I finally brushed my teeth and went to wash my mouth out with some, well, mouthwash, (OFMG I aim teh grate rightor~!) I look at it, and “bah gawd” there’s : <i>Warning: Do not swallow</i>. I start laughing again. It was first because I have an incredibly dirty mind, and second because the oral care industry must be scared out of their goddamn minds that something will happen and they will be held responsible, and it will cost them dearly. Again, like I said earlier, I like things that have mint flavor as much as the next guy, but not enough to start swigging Listerine.
After taking one last look in the mirror to make sure I was still me (and sadly I still was…) I got the rest of my day started.
<b><u>¡Se quema, se quema!</b></u>
It’s one of my rare days where I don’t have to do anything. I sit down and watch SportCenter two or three times and smoke two or three cigarettes. I glance at my pack and of course, there’s a warning right on the side: <i>Surgeon General’s Warning: Smoking by pregnant women may result in fetal injury, premature birth, and low birth rate.</i> Okay, that one doesn’t phase my very much because I’m not pregnant at the moment. I went over smoking before, so I don’t think I need to go over it much more, but I will somewhat. Yes, smoking is retarded, and there should be warnings on the packs for that, but in the same respect, why would there need to be warnings on something that is fucking obviously so bad? Who could <b>not</b> get the idea in their head that inhaling smoke is a bad thing? (Of course, that’s why I’m quitting, but that’s another story for another time.) Probably the same people who eat toothpaste by the tube and drink mouthwash by the gallon.
After making some calls and doing “things”, I remember that my truck needed gas, so I wandered into town to fill it up. I drive in rather casually, listening to the new Slipknot CD (or if you prefer to call it, the new, slightly harder Stone Sour CD) and get to the station. I pull up the pump, turn the truck off, and hop out. After bemoaning how much gas costs, I reach for the pump and start filling. This was going to take a while, so I started looking around. Behold! there was a frigging warning label on the gas pump: <i>Turn off engine before fueling. Extinguish cigarettes before fueling.</i> I cocked my head like a confused dog while reading this. The engine one I could see putting up there, but the one for cigarettes? To me, that kind of goes without saying. You are pumping gas, so having anything that is producing a significant amount of heat near the gas itself is something that you would not want to do. You would think that people would be smart enough to not do that, but there the warning is. It’s up there because someone was stupid enough to keep smoking and filling up. Someone decided to have a lit flame near an explosive. Actually, it was probably more than just one person, because if it was one person, they would have gotten killed, and then the world would have moved on while the newest winner of the Darwin Award would have been an afterthought. If it was just that one person, then that’s that. However, there must be many others who kept doing it and kept becoming a crappy impersonation of The Human Torch, enough to warrant the need to put up the warning. Luckily, my IQ is larger than my boot size (and I wear big boots), so I was not smoking at the time because I liked my eyebrows and didn’t feel like having them flash-fried off of my face.
I go inside to pay for it and get my cup of coffee that is free with the fill-up. It takes me a while to get my coffee just right because of all the stuff that I put in it; lots of milk, lots of sugar. It basically becomes liquid Frosted Flakes by the time I’m done, and would be enough to make anyone get such a rush that they can see through time for ten minutes. I figured that since I’m such a klutz anyway, I had better put a lid on it. Of course, when I look at the lid, there it is staring me back in the face: <i>CAUTION: Contents extremely HOT</i>. Oh wow…who would have ever thought that coffee would be hot? And what’s this? The world has been round since when? There have been similar warnings on lids like this ever since years ago when some woman got coffee somewhere and placed it in between her legs while she was driving. The lid came off and she was burned. She sued the fast food place (I think it was McDonald’s if I can remember it right), and they got burned for a shitload of money. That to me is the equivalent of shoving a bottle rocket up my ass and not expecting something wrong to happen, and then suing the company that made the bottle rocket because I need a machine to poop. The odd thing is that there are people who actually pay for that sort of thing to happen to them.
<b><u>Sausage, Pepperoni, Precautions</b></u>
After doing some more driving and more “things”, I head back home. It’s Monday, and Monday means watching wrestling and eating pizza. I dig through the freezer and select the pizza I’m looking for and turn on the oven to preheat it. I take the wrapper off the pizza and look at the nutritional value area of it, and son of a bitch, there’s: <i>CAUTION: COOK PIZZA BEFORE EATING.</i> You have got to be fucking kidding me. Even on my pizza I cannot escape from the moronic. So Mr. Tombstone, you’re telling me that someone was dumb enough to eat a frozen pizza while it was <b>still frozen</b>? Wouldn’t they realize that they might be doing something wrong? The thought “Hey, this’d probably be better if we heated it up” never ran through their head? One thing that I enjoy is cold pizza out of the fridge, but only <b>after</b> it was cooked before, but a completely frozen pizza? Goddamn.
And people wonder why I’m so fucking mean…heh.
After enjoying some of the pizza after heating it with artificial fire, I got comfortable to watch some wrestling. Nothing else could go wrong with the day. I would see nothing else that would make me shake my head and realize that mankind is completely screwed up (well, other than the actual wrestling). Oh simple minded Burgess. You were so wrong. A public service announcement comes up on my television. <i>Don’t Try This at Home</i> I’m told, as I get shown images of people being thrown off of cages and being struck in the face with steel chairs by large muscled men. At first, I thought that they meant that I shouldn’t use steroids so I wouldn’t get the pimples on my back and have my genitals shrink like some of these guys. Makes sense to me, okay I won’t shoot up. Good idea. Then the actual functioning part of my brain kicks in and realizes that they meant not to do any of the stunts that I am seeing. Well, okay. I think that I’ll probably take their advice and not jump off of a ladder onto someone who is lying on a table. Granted, that opportunity does come up for me quite often, but from now on I’ll avoid it. I can’t say that I always have with this one. I admit it; I was one of the people that this was directed towards. I did some backyard wrestling, and did some incredibly stupid things (prime example, two words: flaming chair). However, I was probably one of the few people that did it that realizes, yes, I was going to get hurt. I was going to be in some pain. I got out of it for that reason. I was tired of almost getting severely injured far too many times among other things and had enough of it. Ah, the promos though, those were truly inspired; once again, another story for another time.
<b><u>Bottom Line</b></u>
How messed up is everyone today when there has to be a warning label on everything from toothpaste to pizza? Is it just that people are actually that stupid, or that everyone is just trying to cover their backs in this sue-happy time? Sure, the latter does seem like the best option, but the more and more I look at things, I am starting to think that the former is where the true motive lies. Perhaps it becomes an area where one thing explains the other. People are so fucking dumb these days that they will do something like eat a pizza before cooking it or smoke near gas, and then when something happens to them, they feel that they should be reimbursed, thus creating the high number of moronic lawsuits that are out there today; people suing cigarette companies because they are getting cancer when they should know that smoking will fuck you up no matter what, people suing fast food chains because the slop that they shovel down their gullets day after day after day is making them fat, people suing companies after they lose grip on their Folgers with their balls and then end up getting their teabag dipped in scalding water. The list goes on and on, and is probably expanding into the even more insipid as this is being written and as this is being read.
What ever happened to “survival of the fittest”? If someone dies because they were doing something stupid, the world mourns (probably giggles too), and then moves on without the dead weight. Why must we protect these people who apparently can’t even function in society? Frankly, I think they’re just using up my oxygen and drinking my extra beer (probably way too much of it too), so screw them.
The saying goes “live and let live.” It should go “live and let retards do whatever, even if it kills them, because the world would be better off if they didn’t breed.”
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