"Inconvenience: Shirts Versus Skins"
…
Summer is closing in on us quickly. Where I am right now, the temperature is already too goddamn hot by my standards. Spring is on the way out; all of the birds have had sex with bees, so the great cycle will continue. With all the humping done, there is a great battle that looms on the horizon. Feelings will be hurt, minds will be blown, and lives may be lost. It’s me against the world on this one, but just the half nude part of the world.
It’s me against the shirtless.
Every year it seems to happen around here. The temperature starts to rise, and people feel the need to strip. I have no idea why it happens, there’s no logical way to explain it. Well, other than because it’s hot, but that’s pretty much a cop out and not much thought goes into it. I’m not a fan of the obvious reason. The thing about it is that the people who should never have their shirts off are the only ones that do it. No, it’s never the hot girl, but instead it’s always the old, saggy (<b><i>TO THE EXTREME~!</b></i>) man. Just once you think that karma would throw me something nice, but nope.
According to the Health Department, no one is allowed in the store without a shirt or shoes. That’s because of all the food that we sell, and it’s not a good thing to find some random hair floating around and landing on the stuff that we sell. I don’t give a damn that there’s wrappers on everything; if there’s hair on it that isn’t mine, there’s no fucking way I’m touching it. I would hope that most other people feel the same way. I’m somewhat lenient on this when it comes to little kids. They’re just kids after all. It does fit my nature to just berate some child because I can, but I don’t feel like doing that. Life is bad enough, so they’ll end up traumatized by someone or something other than me anyway. That, and most of the time during the summer kids don’t have a lot on, which is creepy anyway, but whatever. Other than that, I follow the rules completely. I just don’t want to see that. Ever. Never ever.
The main thing about all the shirtless people that completely blows my mind is that 99% of them are driving cars with air conditioning. If you are that hot, then why not, I don’t know, turn the AC the fuck on? Or perhaps rolling the window down? Or duct taping a pocket fan to their dashboard? Or putting ice down their pants? Or quit being a candy-ass? These thoughts must not run through their heads. I must be different somehow since I can think of rational things to do.
Most of the other people that do this who aren’t geriatric are younger people. I don’t fully get it. Maybe they think that if any girl sees them without their shirt on, they will instantly be attracted to them, and “teh sexors” will be had later. That’s all well and good to have such a stupid thought, but I don’t want to see that. No one is impressed. If someone is, then they’re fairly stupid. God knows no one inside my store is impressed when I work since I’m the only one there, so there’s no need for the shit.
Granted, not all of them are that bad. A good majority have no problem when they try to come in and I tell them that they need a shirt. It’s understandable, and they accept that. However, there are still those that would argue about it for some reason. This is where I earn my meager paycheck. A prime example would be a conversation that I had to have with someone recently.
<i>Saggy, shirtless hairy man walks in two steps, and I’m already on him</i>
-“You need a shirt on.”
<i>He keeps walking around the store.</i>
-“Scuse me, sir, you need a shirt on.”
<i>He keeps going, seemingly oblivious that I’m talking to him. I get agitated.</i>
-“<b>HEY~!</b> You need a shirt on.”
--“What?”
-“You need a shirt on to be in here.”
--“Well I don’t have one with me.”
-“Then you don’t buy anything in here.”
--“I won’t be in long.”
-“You’ll be out quicker than you figured, because you need to get out now.”
--“Man, that’s bullshit.”
<i>Uh oh…</i>
-“No, what’s bullshit is that you think my mind and/or the rules are going to suddenly change just for you. Neither is going to happen, so leave.”
<i>Keep in mind that there are other people in the store while I’m doing this.</i>
--“You don’t even have any signs up.”
<I>He does have something with this. It’s relatively early yet, so we haven’t put any signs up yet. That doesn’t matter though.</i>
-“That doesn’t matter. It should be a little obvious that you need to wear a shirt. Do you need a shirt to go into other stores? Yes, you do. Care to explain why you think that this place would be different?”
<i>I then pull out whatever spare change I have in my pocket and set it on the counter.</i>
-“Here, you might need this, so that next time you come in here you’ll have some damn sense.”
--“I’m going to talk to your manager when she’s in here next time.”
<i>I go and pick up the phone.</i>
-“If you want me to, I’ll call her right now. Bottom line is that you’re wrong, and I’m right, so just get the fuck out.”
--“This is crap. What would you do if someone else came in without a shirt, like her?”
<i>He points to someone that was just wanting to buy a pop and not watch this crapfest.</i>
-“I would attempt to put a dollar in her shorts, but that’s not going to happen.”
<i>I get a nasty look from the guy again, and a little smile from the girl, which I return with one of my own.</i>
--“I don’t need this man, I’m leaving.”
-“Gee, that’s only what I’ve been telling you to do this entire goddamn time! So be a good boy and follow through with it.”
<i>He finally walks out and flips me off, and I do the same to him with a smile on my face, and continue on with my day.</i>
During the summer, I have to do something similar to this at least twice a week. Hell, I just had to deal with one while typing this. It might be weird to say, but dealing with people like that is probably one of the few things that keep me where I am. It just breaks up the monotony. Plus, I might as well put one of my strengths (or weaknesses depending) to good use.
For the most part, I just wish that people would remember that there’s a lot to be said about modesty. Of course, there’s a lot that will be said by me if someone has a good deal of immodesty.
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