The Kenri Column: I wrote this instead of doing schoolwork!
Hello everyone. After a long break, TFN is back, and with it are my weekly(?!) columns. My two readers must be thrilled. For any first time readers, this is where I rant about all the stupid crap I see on the internet or in the bright, scary place known as real life. In past columns I've covered such wonderful topics as Star Wars politics, George Forman grills, and why .hack//SIGN sucks. So without further Apu [sic], I give you: the special return edition of Kenri's Column!
Anime with the annie and the may and the thing that comes out of the thing...
Just some stuff I feel the need to get off my chest:
-EVA is not a freaking action show. It's a drama about Shinji's life and mind, and the effects he has on other people, with a giant robot subplot. Awww, the stuff about the angels wasn't resolved? TOO DAMN BAD, IT DOESN'T MATTER, YOU'RE JUST STUPID.
-Naruto, and all of its characters, are awful. You're ninja, not goddamn Super Saiyans. Go on some damn espionage missions already.
-The Pokemon anime used to be cool, in a cheesy kind of way. ....What the @*#$ happened?
-I don't care about all of the symbolism and 'deep, psychological aspects'. Fullmetal Alchemist lacks a decent plot, decent characters, decent action, decent drama, and decent comedy. ....Why the @*#$ is Archer a robot?! It makes no sense! GAHHH!
-Yes, Luffy can beat Naruto. Yes, Zoro can beat Sasuke. Yes, Nami can beat Sakura. Yes, Mihawk can demolish the entire cast of Naruto with a toothpick. STOP ASKING.
-...Where did the stupid Chairman Kiel = the Wandering Jew theory come from? That's like saying Robo-Archer is the Termin-WHERE IS IZUMI CONNER?!
-What the hell is up with Eureka 7? Do giant robot shows have a hard-on for young blue-haired girls piloting Unit 00s or something? It makes no sense!
-[adult swim] skipped Jupiter Jazz Part 2 of Cowboy Bebop. Those bastards.
-Witch Hunter Robin is an incredibly underrated series. Also, Robin could own the hell out of Roy Mustang. So could Portgas D. Ace. STOP ASKING.
-Recently I've seen an influx of people who say that they'd like Trigun a lot more if Vash's character were more serious and 'badass'. Way to miss the point of the whole goddamn series.
-Story arcs, in general, are stupid. If a series goes on long enough that it needs story arcs, it's time to end the damn series. More on this later. Maybe.
-Anime in general seems to lack car chases.
Procrastinate, you'll thank me later
It occurs to me now that I'm officially behind on my school work. I have two projects to do, both with no assigned due date. See, this is how my school works. We're just supposed to know when stuff is due, and if we don't, it's our fault. Well, these assignments aren't very long, and they were assigned over a month ago. For those who don't see where I'm going with this, I'm essentially playing the lottery every day. Except winning is just breaking even, and I've actually been winning a damn lot. Someday I'm going to go to school and they're actually going to expect work from me, and I have no idea what I'll do.
And yet I feel no need to actually do this work. The problem, of course, actually comes from me setting goals for my future. People always ask, "What do you want to do when you're out of school?", and they expect you to answer "scientist" or "doctor" so they can tell you you need to stay in school, get good grades, get into a good college, and finally, when you're 26, get a job interning. Then after 4 years, you'll finally get paid. Due to my exceedingly high intelligence, people expected me to do this.
No.
It amuses me to no end when assorted people will say, "You need to get good grades. You need to stay in school. I guarantee that. What job do you want?"
I quickly reply, "I want to be a writer."
They change the subject.
See, some of the most successful writers were not very educated or very old. That kid who wrote "Eragon"? What was he, like 12? I mean, I couldn't read more than a page of his stuff, but I guarantee he has more money than most doctors.
I figure that if I'm going to be a writer, I don't need college. I don't need to bother with trivial assignments about subjects I don't care about. I know I'm probably wrong, but I've yet to be convinced otherwise. And frankly, these assignments are so mind-numbing that I doubt I could be convinced to give 100% on them.
And these aren't even the normal assignments. My incredible, blinding intelligence (tm), coupled with my preposterous, crippling lack of interest (tm), which only serves to accent my phenomenal, awe-inspiring test scores (tm), makes me a very strange case. My teachers realize this. For some reason I'll never understand, they also seem to like me. Which leads to me getting real assignments while everyone else gets photo copied work sheets.
These assignments are still mind-numbing. It doesn't help that apparently I was right about the school I went to last year - they never actually taught me anything. At all. Several times this year I've had to "make-up" work I should have done last year. This week's installment? Read Shakespeare's "Othello", watch the movie, then write a comparison piece. Wonderful. Fabulous. Except this story is stupid as hell.
During one of my nightly questionings conducted by my parents ("How is your work coming?"), I dropped a remark akin to "It would be going better if all of Othello's characters weren't retarded." This absolutely set off my dad, who is an English teacher. Shakespeare is supposed to be some holier-than-thou artist who's stories are completely excused from any criticism, apparently. I don't care. If your plot twists are utterly predictable and your characters lacking, I'm going to call you on it. And seeing as how this is a play, it, of course, has no description, character development, setting, or action. It's two to five people standing somewhere, talking. This in and of itself is a flaw - and although my English teacher is starting to get annoyed that all my reviews of plays tend to go down the road of "this sucks because it's a play, because all plays suck, because they're plays", I don't intend to stop any time soon.
Iago, it seems, is a brilliant mastermind and one of the greatest villains of all time. No. When your character is introduced as "Iago, the Villain", they are immediately disqualified as being the greatest ANYTHING of all time. My good friend subtlety agrees with me.
There is, of course, the utterly predictable ending. People die in Shakespeare's tragedies. I get it. Again, I don't care if it's believed to be one of the best stories of all time. If it makes childish flaws that even I can avoid when writing, I'm going to call them. That's how I work - I calls them likes I sees them.
I'll read a story I hate any day of the week if it's well written. But forgive me if I find "Tush! Never tell me? I take it much unkindly That thou, Iago, who hast had my purse As if the strings were thine, shouldst know of this." to be some slightly retarded dialogue. That is not a good way to grip a reader's interest and make them want to read more. That's a good way to make a reader put a bullet in his head.
I'd think that if Othello were as wonderful and loved as everyone claims, someone would take the damn time to do the following:
1. A real translation. One that drops all this "thou" and "hast" crap. I don't consider this making it less authentic, I consider it making it less stupid.
2. Description. It's only, I don't know, A REQUIREMENT FOR STORIES.
3. Drop the GODDAMN script format. It's called a QUOTATION MARK. USE IT. In fact, take some of mine, I have extra: """""""""""""""""""
4. For the love of god, quit adding "forewards" and "critical looks at Shakespeare's brilliance" into the book. I don't care what YOU thought of the story, especially when you try to pass off a simple tragic love story as something far deeper. You want deep? Go to the damn ocean. (And yes, I realize the irony of me complaining about others finding things much deeper than they really are. Shut up.)
Anyway, I'm starting to get angry. And with anger comes angst, so I think I'll wrap up the column here.
Until next time, remember: I don't think I'm better than everyone else. It's just that so far, statistically, I am.
~Kenri
Kenri of the Yuri is just this guy who writes silly things, sometimes. He is profoundly embarrassed about a good 60-70% of the stuff he's written. You might know him better as your friendly neighborhood Level 43: Editor. View his or her author page or author profile.
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