A Tale of Two Times.
Can you hear the angst alarms going off? I hope so, although they might be dulled by the sound of Charles Dickens rolling over in his grave by my title choice. In case that was all a bit too subtle, prepare for an angsty story. Those of you with weak... er... angst tolerance... may wish to leave the article and head back to where you came from.
Hello, faithful readers... and Kenri... and Ogor... and Scorp... and Burg... and- ah to hell with it, moving on.
In the Beginning
Once upon a time, xp had an even more clichè personality type than he does now, shocking I know, but it's true. I used to be, or at least thought (We do have italics right? I'm hoping so.), that I was too "cool" for social interactions. Except for the cool part, it was more "Well, since I can't socialize for my life, I can just carry on without all that stuff. No problem." Well, it was working for quite a bit, of all the things weighing down my mind, my social life wasn't one of them.
Enter Autumn 2006
o wate i messed up. Yeah, having finally have severed myself from my - quite honestly - sickening dependency to the internet. (I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're just going to have to trust me on this one.) I all of a sudden realized something... my social life sucks. Backtrack a bit. I do have friends (Yes, this is the time to gasp.), a few, actually. Though I mainly talk with and see one or two outside school. However, due to all the zany events that have occurred in the last... 4, maybe 5, years of my life - I had been essentially removed from the social stage. (Possible lead in to a future story? Even I don't know!) Part of it - probably the vast majority of it - is my fault, but some bits of it were probably a bit out of my control, I'd be lying if I pinned it all somewhere else though. Anyway, back to the relevance of this, when I finally did "return" to the "social scene" I realized something else too. Social Stratification. Or, more bluntly, most everyone had formed their own groups in the past years, and the doors were closed on them by now, seeing as how long these groups were together already.
xp is so screwed
Oh, it just wouldn't be an angsty rant without this section, no sir. Continuing from before, no longer apathetic as to the state of my social life, I wanted (still want, actually, I'm writing past tense, but only because that's the cool way to right, this is an ongoing saga... LIVE FROM NEW YORK (Ok, who expected an SNL joke there?) social connections. Only, that stratification problem... yeah... that is a problem. Although, arguably the bigger problem is on my side. While I would just love to blame all my problems on my social anxiety disorder (and while I'm sure this would be a wonderful place to call me out on, I'm not bluffing. Clinically Diagnosed, yo) again, that'd likely be lying.
So, here's a summary of the last bit for you: xp desperately wants social connections, but through a multitude of reasons, including himself, this is nigh-impossible. The worse part is the effects this has in mood swings. Here's an example (A story within a story? I'm innovating literature!): xp is a hopeless idealistic fool who wants to be in a relationship. Only, through a combination of him being a total wimp, horrible in social situations, and just general confusion of social situations, this ends in mission failure. Which makes xp feel bad. Until a bit later when his mind wanders off, but it always comes back this way on one point, either on its own, or in school when I'm in the situation itself, so I can't not think of it. (Double Negatives are the new... ...whatever is cool in writing today).
...That's about it, for now at least. Maybe I'll have some other wonderful story to share later. Maybe. I don't know.
So... in the end... why the hell did I write this? Probably because in my limited accidental experiences, I've felt better, at least temporarily after having a tirade like this. Of course, now that I'm consciously aware of that and trying to use it to my advantage, watch it backfire!
Here's the cool part now for me, I'm going to go through a cycle of regretting submitting this article greatly, and then just not really caring, and so on... forever. Ok, not really, but for a bit at least.
-xp
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