Violator
...I don't know, it just made me laugh.
Kids, we...I fucked up.
There are two things that I do not like to have broken: my word and my balls. Those two things were indeed broken this past weekend. the results of both...
...well, it could have gone better.
We all have personal rules that we set up for ourselves. A code of conduct if you will. Mine is often times counterproductive and contradictional at best, but what I have in place I try to stick by. Like I said, a few of them were not just broken, but they were basically shattered.
"You basically said that with your words."
Heh...let's take a walk and go over what went wrong.
First off, I got pissed off and let other people see it. Now, I don't mean just standard "Oh no I'm grumpy" kind of pissed. I mean "I have an arm length longer than what I should for my body size and it's best you stay out of range" kind of pissed. The reason for it is that my schedule at work got changed, and they never bothered to ask me before they changed it.
I know that happens at jobs all of the time. You don't have to tell me that. However, at my little rinky dink roody poo retail job, there's no reason for it. Not to mention that I had plans for my day off that involved me going home. I needed to come home now. I've been getting burnt out on all the people shopping at the store and...other situations there, so I needed to drop back before the holidays to reassess some things. The fact that they changed it without asking is something that hit me rather hard.
Would I have sacrificed myself yet again if they just would have asked? I can answer yes to this. There's people there that I have walked through hell in that place for. This happened to be another case with one of them. I've done harder things (see also: The 12), and this would have been another on the list of things that I am owed for that I would never collect on because that's how I operate: no quarter asked, and everything given.
I let myself get pushed a lot more than I should. Don't get me wrong, I assert myself sometimes. Every now and then though, there's this little shred of me that just goes "No." I can't assign a name to it like I do with The Burgess or even Jack. It's just my defense mechanisms on overdrive. Most of the time, I can stop it from happening around people, and especially at work. Not this time though. Takes a lot out of me when I do it too. Physically I'm still tired as crap, and it happened on Saturday and carried over to Sunday. Emotionally and mentally, I'm basically still shot right now, both because of what it took out of me, and the way I feel because I did it.
Needless to say I'm fairly subdued and mopey right now.
Following up on that, another rule got broke. I've been at The Mountain for almost a year and a half, and I have never once requested a schedule switch for my own benefit. All but a handful of times I have ever been asked to switch with someone, I have done it, many times at my own expense (whether through loss of work hours, loss of time I wanted off, or loss of smegging mind). In order to save any semblance of myself right now, I had to do it. I had to ask someone to help me out with a switch.
Was I owed? According to other people, oh hell yes. To me, well, you know the answer by now.
Does that make me feel any better about having to do it? Oh hell no.
Just because I throw myself on the grenade all the time does not mean that I expect everyone else to do the same. If anything, I will stop them from doing it and do it myself if I can.
Third rule: I talked about Fight Club.
...wait a minute...wha?
Fourth Rule: I yelled.
Sounds innocent enough, and confusing enough at the same time. Yes, if you've read this before, you know that I tell people they're idiots when they are. I call people stupid fucks with little provocation. There's some people though that I have said I will never yell at. Be upset or angry with, that's going to happen. As much as I try to deny it, I'm human. I don't show it though, and can often bury it to the point where even I forget about it. Just flat out yelling at someone when they don't deserve it ever, well that's incredibly different.
I was stressed. I was down. I was close to breakdown due to the nonstop flood of asstards in the store.
Still doesn't give me an actual excuse. I can be told countless times that it was okay. I know it wasn't because that's what I tell people when I know it's not.
At least I kept myself from saying a few other things. Potentially stupid, or maybe not.
Dunno.
All about percentages.
I also smoked. That's one for me to feel ashamed about. Oh sure, I was stressed so much I couldn't stand it, still kind of am but for differing reasons, but I still broke a pact with myself. The fact that others look down on me for it only compounds the effect, but I'm not looking for forgiveness for it. I know I screwed up.
So tomorrow I walk in the store for work. Last time I was there I wanted to break something. Right now I just want to pick a fight that I can't win because 1) I could use it which leads to 2) I feel like I want to get destroyed and 3) I know I deserve it.
Sorry. For a lot of things.
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