Let's Read Reviews! Pyrojoker07's Zelda: Twilight Princess review (S1R4)
When I go fishing for reviews, sometimes I find reviews that are really bad. Sometimes, I find reviews that are actually good. Sometimes I find reviews that are bad, but not hilariously bad. And then, sometimes, I luck out and find a review where the reviewer forgets which game he's reviewing. It's moments like that that make me love doing this. This week's Let's Read is of GameFAQs user Pyrojoker07's The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (GCN) review... but I don't think he knows that.
Title: Good Game, with many flaws though.
Well, you've got my attention.
(Remember when I said I'd start picking reviews with good titles? I lied.)
Okay, I'll try to keep my review brief.
Oh thank god. We wouldn't want to go in depth in a review, then I might actually gain some actual insight into whether I should buy the game or not!
Story- 7/10
Oh, sectioned review. We've been seeing a lot of each other lately, haven't we?
This time around the story is much more in depth. While the past the story has always been very simplified where Link would go out and stop some random evil that appeared from no where and in the process save Zelda.
Now he has to go out and stop two random evils that appeared from somewhere and in the process save Midna!
While this allows the adventure to progress reasonably well, in truth it was growing quite dull to all the people who, like myself, have played all the Zelda games.
Stealth bragging review.
Also, I'm pretty sure that plot only occurs in like half the Zelda games. But I'm sure you already knew that, after all, you've played all the Zelda games.
The introduction of this story actually gives Link a little more personality then the last one.....well sorta.
Last one was... Four Swords Adventures, I think? I mean, I haven't played that, so I'll have to take your word for it.
(Secretly, I believe he is referring to The Wind Waker here.)
One problem I've always had with these games is how little of a character Link has,
Oh boy, another "Link has no character" argument that completely ignores how you can have character without speaking. What are the odds of that?
I mean he never says anything,
Thank you and goodnight.
he has no real choices,
It's a video game. They're usually pretty linear. Zelda is actually less so than many.
no back story, and no family.
Isn't the fact that he has no family often integrated into his backstory, though? Like... there was some recent Zelda game that did this... What was it called...?
Dusk Empress!
...Wait, no, that's wrong. Help me out here, Mr. I've-Played-Every-Zelda.
The character of Link is this seemingly random creature that exist for the sole reason to save the world.
About half the games in the series have outright told you such, yes. And several others imply it.
Just how many Zelda games have you played, anyway, Pyrojoker07?
Now, with wind waker he did have a family, but honestly....his character was still far to undefined and lacking.
Please tell me you're going to spend at least this long talking about the gameplay.
I wish I could say that had changed for this game, but Link still has little personality and in truth he could be subbed out for hundreds of others of heroic characters.
I have to think that these complaints must be really offensive to people who are actually mute. "Sure, you saved the world, but you can't speak - anyone could have taken your place."
Game play- 8/10
Finally. All right, Pyrojoker07, what've you got for me?
The controls are sorta difficult to get used to at first, but it only takes a few minutes for you to be slashing and hacking like a pro and shooting arrows into the heads of all your would be dispatchers.
You... you do know you're reviewing the GCN version of the game, right?
All the controls are easy to understand and flow well, without the issue of having a annoying tutorial in the game.
I'd better watch out. Pyrojoker07 knows about timed hits.
Nintendo has always been pretty good at making games with easy game play though, so no shocker here.
...And that's it. You officially spent more time talking about Link being mute than talking about the gameplay.
Sound- 6/10 Voice acting...holy crap that is probably my most hated thing about this game.
Man, if your biggest complaint about a game is the lack of voice acting, you'd better be prepared to give the game a 9/10 or better.
This game was used to launch a 5th gen console for Nintendo...
It was a port of a GCN game. Which is the version you are reviewing.
yet somehow they think that they can continue without voice acting?
They seem to be doing pretty well so far, so... yes?
That's just nuts.
Oh, okay. I'm convinced.
Go out, find someone who speaks in a way you'd expect Link to...oh wait I forgot....Link doesn't talk.
Pyrojoker07 doesn't care about mute people.
And really, doesn't this strike you as like saying, "Go out, find something that meows in a way you'd expect a dog to. Oh wait I forgot, dogs don't meow"? It makes less than no sense. The surrounding sentences actually make less sense just by being near this one.
Seriously, is Link mute?
He doesn't talk, so...
Did I miss a memo or something?
You've played every Zelda game. Were you not tipped off by the fact that he's never canonically said anything?
WHY DOES HE SAY NOTHING?!
Because he's mute. We've been over this. Focus, Pyrojoker07, focus!
Explain this Nintendo, how is it that a hero who saves the world, constantly, has nothing to say...about anything.
Seriously, if I was mute, I'd be just offended as hell by this guy. Maybe it's just me.
I mean come on, HIS HORSE TALKS MORE THEN HE DOES!
For the uninformed, while this sounds stupid, it is technically true. You can talk to Epona while in Link's wolf form.
Moving on though, the music in this...is lacking to say the least.
No, really, let's talk about Link's speech habits some more.
HOW DOES HE IS NOT SPEAKING THE ENGLISH?!
I mean where are the amazing tracks Nintendo is famous for?
Midna's Lament, Hyrule Field (Orchestral), Sacred Grove...
I mean it looks like they took an OoT soundtrack and used that to make the new ones...
...But. OoT's soundtrack has many of the amazing tracks Nintendo is famous for! This completely contradicts your previous sentence!
it's just annoying.
Yes! Yes it is!
Oh and don't even get me started on the sound effects.
Wow, it's a good thing I'm a telepath, otherwise I'd have no idea what he finds so objectionable!
Graphics- 4/10
...Seriously?
5th Gen release title....5th Gen...
No it fucking isn't! You're reviewing the GCN version!
how is it that Dreamcast's graphics are better then this?
I... I don't know?
http://image.com.com/gamespot/images/2006/346/920769_20061213_screen055.jpg
http://image.com.com/gamespot/images/screenshots/dc/skiesofarcadia/skiesofarcadia_b2_screen006.jpg
I mean, they don't look better to me, but maybe Pyrojoker07 lives in an alternate reality where the GCN is a fifth gen console, TP was a launch title for it, and the Dreamcast's graphics are cutting edge.
It makes no sense that consoles released more then 3 years ago could match this...
Oh. There goes that theory!
sure, he doesn't look horrid, but for a NEXT GEN RELEASE!
"He"?
Are we talking about Link a-fucking-gain?
This is completely ridiculous!
This review has gone so far beyond ridiculous, it's into redonkulous territory.
You could cut a rock on some of the edges in the game.
There are only two known substances that can cut diamond: diamond, and TP's graphics.
Challenge- 6/10
I have to assume the Ball & Chain Knight pretty much just doubled this score by itself.
The puzzles could be tricky for a little bit, and they came up with some interesting uses for some of the equipment in the game.
No, really. This is where you're going to compliment the game. On good uses for its items. The place that everyone seems to agree it's really lackluster. Really. Okay then!
I liked how things made more sense in this game on how the cause-effect situations would work.
...What in the hell are you talking about?
Did you actually mean to write that, or did that sequence of words just sort of fall into place randomly?
A.I was pathetic, I mean the fighting was cake and the bosses went down far to easily.
While true, I have a hard time faulting Zelda for this when so many current games have seemed to devolve into "PRESS X TO KILL THE BOSS" Quick Time Events.
I was expecting good fights when all it took was the same cycle...over and over again.
It's Zelda.
Wait for opening, use Dungeon's MacGuffin, sword it in the face/glowy spot, repeat twice. Did you really expect something different? I think you need to play every Zelda game three more times, since it didn't seem to get hammered into you the first time through.
In truth it was rather boring and....with like no playback value.
To be fair, at least most of the bosses looked cool.
Overall- 7/10
Your biggest complaint was lack of voice acting and you give it a 7/10?
...I swear to god, if you ever write a retro game review, I'm going to find a way to stab people over the internet.
Honestly, they'll make tons just because of the name.
Captain Obvious, you've returned! I didn't recognize you in your civilian disguise.
How goes your ongoing struggle against the sinister forces of Dr. Vague?
However, the game is lacking in many of the basics that should be included.
Seriously, I will stab you.
Over and over and over.
With a piece of Link's face, since I hear it can cut rock.
It's like they cut corners just because it's a Zelda game...
Yeah, being one of the most respected, influential, critically acclaimed, and best-selling series of all time just screams "we can afford to dick around with this".
it's almost like Square-Enix with it's FF7 spin-offs.
...
In fairness, he did just counter my last point rather effectively, but I'm willing to chalk that up to coincidence.
Overall, I give this review a 7/10 because my biggest complaint is that it lacks voice acting.
Pyrojoker07's unaltered review can be found on GameFAQs:
http://www.gamefaqs.com/console/gamecube/review/R108965.html
Kenri of the Yuri is just this guy who writes silly things, sometimes. He is profoundly embarrassed about a good 60-70% of the stuff he's written. You might know him better as your friendly neighborhood Level 43: Editor. View his or her author page or author profile.
Article not rated.