Let's Read Reviews! Piccolo48's Final Fantasy review (S1R6)
Hello, readers! We're going to try something a little different today. Next week will probably be back to normal, but for now, enjoy the show. Today we have GameFAQs user Piccolo48's Final Fantasy review.
Title: This game needs more bad reviews
Choose Your Own Adventure time.
You are an intrepid Let's Reader, and you are in the midst of exploring the Temple of Piccolo48's Review. Suddenly, you hear footsteps behind you! A tagline is approaching quickly! Do you:
A) Insult Piccolo48's integrity for writing a review just to satisfy an imaginary quota for negative reviews.
B) Compliment Piccolo48 for at least being self-aware enough to realize his review sucks.
C) Quip about how GameFAQs really, really doesn't need any more bad reviews.
Ok, I am typing this for the following reasons:
The tagline lies defeated, but the scent of blood as drawn out of hiding a far larger foe. It is a writhing mass of tangled words and bad grammar known only as... The Bulk. It extends a noodly appendage towards you. You only have time to make a single quip! Choose wisely:
A) "Because you lack a social life and make up for it by writing bad reviews for GameFAQs."
B) "If you're trying to get prize money by winning Review of the Month, you should realize that they generally only pick reviews that are, you know, good."
A. VARIATION-needs freedom of speech
It retracts its wordy tentacle quickly from your blow, but retaliates with a short list! If you don't put up a defense immediately, you're a goner! Do you:
A) Point out that variation and freedom of speech really have nothing to do with each other.
B) Point out that freedom of speech doesn't exist on GameFAQs.
C) Assume that the best defense is a good offense, and quip "Wow, expressing negative opinions about the Final Fantasy series? Talk about being a free thinker! Nobody's ever said anything like that before."
B. ESTABLISH FAITH IN GAMEFAQS-this game has received far too many positive reviews and I need to make a critical analysis to regain the faith of people who share my opinion
The blow glances off your armor! You defended just in time! However, it wastes no time in launching a second strike! You manage to block, but you can see that you won't get anywhere unless you can go on the offensive. But how? It's time for a plan:
A) Attack the idea of a "critical analysis" in a review of less than 800 words.
B) Attack the idea of a "critical analysis" that begins with a preconceived dislike for the game.
C) Attack the idea of having any amount of "faith in GameFAQs" after looking at some of the game boards.
This game is highly outdated, and it's concepts have been infinitely improved upon as role-playing has progressed.
You have a plan, now you just need to put it into action. Meanwhile, The Bulk seems to be contemplating its next move... as best it can, being an animated blob of words with no brain. Do you:
A) Point out the idiocy of reviewing a retro game only to say "it's outdated".
B) Point out the Final Fantasy actually does a lot differently from more modern JRPGs, and is in fact very different from every other Final Fantasy title.
There is no reason to give this game such high ratings over more modern RPG's, especially the newer installments in the final fantasy series.
It doesn't seem affected by your attack. You can:
A) Insist that Final Fantasy is almost a different genre from later games in the same series, much less a different game.
B) Insult your foe's intelligence.
Allow me to state that I am not a fan of NES RPG's;
You have it on the defensive! Now, just one more blow to finish it off for good! Do you:
A) Point out that this statement nearly invalidates any attempt at a "critical analysis" by default.
B) Ask why someone that doesn't like NES RPGs would even play an NES RPG long enough to review it.
nevertheless, I do think there are better RPG's on the NES than Final Fantasy one (such as Earthbound, Ultima, or Dragon Quest),
The Bulk manages to survive your strike, but it's clearly near death. Fear of death seems to be driving it to make mistakes. Put it out of its misery once and for all! Do you:
A) Point out that Earthbound is a SNES game.
B) Point out that he's listing both JRPGs and WRPGs.
C) Point out that "RPG's" is both incorrect and very, very stupid.
and that all these series have, at the very least, been improved upon derivatively or innovatively in the past 20 years.
As your blow strikes The Bulk, it simply falls apart, covering the ground in a gooey mess of chunks of words. Your shoes have been slimed, but you stand triumphant. Time for some major quippage. Do you say:
A) "It's a shame your review hasn't been improved upon derivatively or innovatively in the past 20 years."
B) "Next time you level up, put a few more ranks into Craft: Sentence-That-Actually-Makes-Sense."
Thus, I think this game is essentially obsolete.
The Bulk is dead, but the Temple's fiendish overlord now knows of your presence. He sends another creature after you. You're sure it will be the most powerful monster in his employ. Do you:
A) Taunt him by saying, "No it fucking isn't! Later Final Fantasy games have yet to replicate the 'choose your own party' dynamic that makes FF1 so unique!"
B) Say "Yeah, okay, I'm done with you." and walk away. (Go to: your browser's back button.)
ON TO THE REVIEW
The sinister review appears before you! It is made up of four different sections, meshed together using sectioned-review-o-mancy into a horrible construct. It is 270 words of pure terror, and just attempting to read it is enough to drive most men insane. Do you:
A) Take a drink because he said "on to the review".
B) Take a drink because it's a sectioned review.
C) Take ten drinks because this review is probably far more tolerable drunk.
STORY 5/10-Run off the mill RPG. You get a prologue that tells you to rescue a princess, and then once you do that your off on your journey of just going through a bunch of dungeons.
It swings a massive, bladed arm at you. You have mere seconds to react. Do you:
A) Point out that the plot is a little bit more complex than that if you play past the first five minutes of it.
B) Point out that nobody was playing Final Fantasy for its plot.
C) Point out that very few console games on the market at that time even attempted a real storyline at all.
MUSIC- 5 out of 10
The battle theme was obnoxious. Nothing else was particularly great, so there is no need to over-rate the music. The victory theme was more memorable than anything else.
With a quick dodge and counterattack, the review's left arm comes crashing to the ground. It shrieks in pain, a shriek that nearly bowls you over. Regardless, you have a chance to go on the offensive. Do you:
A) Assume he's glossing over nearly all the music in the game because he hasn't actually played it.
B) Attack his inconsistent formatting.
GAMEPLAY-6 out of 10-The gameplay set a lot of good precedents, but simply does not hold up to today's standards. Gameplay of the sequels for this game were improved upon just on the Nintendo, and as far as today is concerned this game has been plainly outclassed.
You managed a clean hit, but the creature lives still! It opens its mouth, and sings a song the dread lyrics of which nearly boil your blood. Do you:
A) Point out that JRPGs "hold up to today's standards" better than practically any other genre.
B) Point out that he should be judging the game on its own merits rather than saying "it's not as good as other games", or should at least explain why it's not as good as other games.
I will give credit to it's sophistication. Although I found Dragon Quest to be more fun, I do concede that Final Fantasy's gameplay is more innovative and sophisticated by the standards of NES RPGs. Just not that fun, and a bit too challenging.
The review seems surprised and infuriated by your continued survival. You have a chance now! Do you:
A) Point out that FF1 isn't challenging, it's just tedious.
B) Flail about helplessly because of his complete refusal to explain why the game isn't fun/is too challenging/etc.
GRAPHICS 5 out of 10-I think they're even worse than Dragon Quest's. This is not par graphics, even for the NES. The battle mode graphics are crap, with the black background, and I did not like the monster designs to the same extent I did in Dragon Quest 1, and even older game.
The dungeon's fiendish overlord, Piccolo48, appears, quite annoyed that his review has failed to vanquish you. Things are quickly taking a turn for the worst. Do you:
A) Say, "If the graphics are good enough for 8-Bit Theatre, they're good enough for you."
B) Point out that "this is not par graphics" ranks up there with "all your base are belong to us".
C) Say, "On the other hand, the out of battle graphics are better than DQ's, so let's call it a draw."
OVERALL-5, this game set a lot of good precedents, but it is simply not a great game, even by NES RPG standards. It was improved upon in it's sequels, and in my opinion is just not as fun as it's dragon quest equivalent.
Your attack is ineffective. The dungeon dread master points a finger at you, and a bolt of black energy erupts from its tip. Do you:
A) Say, "Stop using the phrase 'NES RPG standards'! That doesn't even mean anything!"
B) Berate him for using "it's" instead of "its".
It seems all the reviewers are not willing to see this game for what it is; innovative but highly outdated, even in it's own time.
You have died.
Overall, do you:
A) Give this review a 5/10 for being bad, even by GameFAQs review standards.
B) Give this review a 9/10 because it needs more positive reviews.
C) Give this review a 1/10 because it led to your untimely death.
Piccolo48's unaltered review can be found on GameFAQs:
http://www.gamefaqs.com/console/nes/review/R127361.html
Kenri of the Yuri is just this guy who writes silly things, sometimes. He is profoundly embarrassed about a good 60-70% of the stuff he's written. You might know him better as your friendly neighborhood Level 43: Editor. View his or her author page or author profile.
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