"Love is a Battlefield"
She was something I'll never forget,
I dont really miss her though.
Now she's gone and never coming back.
"She Was" by Dark Lotus
I am sitting here, typing into my keyboard the words that I have written in my tattered notebook, searching for something brilliant to come up with about what I am writing for. About her, about Jen.
At first, when I started talking to her, I didn't really know what to think. I just figured that she would just be another person to talk to over the computer, no biggie. "Hey, how was your day?Whatd ya do?", you know, **** like that. I remember that one of the first things we talked about was what kind of music we listened to.
I guess that I became drawn father into this because I saw some qualities that I see in myself in her. She was depressed sometimes, that's usual. Then she would start cutting down herself, which is something that I did and still do frequently. She was quite honest on whatever we talked about, which is one thing I respect in anyone, no matter who they are. Again though, she was just another person on the computer. Just a name. I believe it was Duddette at the time; I cannot remember for sure since she often changed it. She was just a name, just as I was and still am just Road Dogg, JackKnife, Burgess, *******, and other names to many people. She would talk of her friends, of Nate, the guy that she liked but was too shy to do anything about, and of Mike, her other friend. I didn't think that anything would happen, partially because a part inside of me wouldnt let anything happen.
Ostrich Syndrome Emotional Style
A while before I met Jen...about two years prior, I began to have feelings for someone on the computer. If she did for me, I did not know and still do not know. In the end, I got ****ed up bad. Lesson learned, and history hopefully would not be forgotten so it would not be repeated.
Unfortunately, I do not have much of a long term memory for some things. That happened to be one of them. I did begin to develop feelings for her. I tried not to, and sometimes I came off as ****ing brutal. She began having feelings for me, or at least I believed that she did. She was the first person other than someone in my immediate family to say that she loved me...that blew my mind. And my response to that? Nothing; not a goddamn thing. If anything, I tried to push her away from me. Even though I felt the same, I backed away.
Ive never been good with my emotions. I like to say that I wasn't born, I was built. Most emotions were left out of assembly. The only emotions that I seemed capable of were pissed, depressed, or apathetic. I always tried not to use any other. I also was never very good at expressing my emotions. I generally had a breakdown about once every month or two. For those not hip with the lingo, a breakdown for me is when everything that has happened to me and that I have been feeling builds up until I snap...not very pretty, but there's nothing I could do about it. Luckily I haven't done anything like this in at least two years, but back then when this was going on, yeah, I was a little bit messed up. Thankfully I managed to get my head out of my ass.
Anyway, back from my mind trip. Where was I? Ah yes, how I began to like Jen but was denying it. It was true, I liked her. I began to think that I loved her. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but a problem developed. A 275 pound bird (my friend Joe) told me that she couldnt date anyone until she was 16. In my eyes, that was a problem. She would be bound to forget about me by then and find someone much better than myself, wouldnt she? I placed my money on yes.
It was a few days before New Years I did something that I truly regret. It started out innocently enough. I began talking to one of Jens friends named Corissa. This would be the first and I believe only time that I talked to her, something which still bothers me, but I dont know why. Maybe it is because of the bad terms of it. Anyway, she asked me if I liked Jen, to which I said I would rather not say. She kept pushing the issue...
I should say first that I am not a very good person when it comes to confrontation. I constantly feel like I am being backed into a corner, even when I am not. This was one of those times when I felt like I was being backed in. The thing is though, usually, whenever I get backed into a corner, I come out swinging...guess what happened this time. Yep, I brought it like a sledgehammer.
Jen once again said how she felt, and I remained unresponsive despite how I really felt. Then Corissa got on me, or maybe not. She was earlier at any rate. Then Joe got on me. I brought Joe into this by giving Jen his username, and hers to him. Dumb mistake. Joe at times represents the better part of my judgment. He kept telling me just to admit it, but I could not. Something was holding me back I guess. I was scared. I was scared to tell her how I really felt. Why? I just dont know. Maybe it was because I was afraid that she really didnt feel that way for me. Instead of being a man and facing up, I disconnected and walked away from the computer for a couple of days. When I did come online, I was invisible or DND in hopes that she wouldn't talk to me.
Joe, I believe, wasnt too happy with how I handled the situation, but said nothing. He respects the fact that this is my life. Besides, I wasn't worried about what Joe though. I was worried about what Jen thought. I wouldn't be surprised if she deleted me and placed me on the ignore list, but she surprised me by not doing that. Yes, she was a little pissed at me about it, but she had every right. What I did was very low and I even still feel the need to constantly apologize to her about it.
Things recovered, but for me it was fairly slow. Like I said, I felt horrible about it. Eventually, things got settled and I finally admitted that I did care for her. Granted, even though it was over the net to someone that I had yet to see, it still felt amazing to do it. For one instant, I was able to shed the armor that I wore to protect myself from everything outside of me. The fact that there was someone else saying it back to me only made my euphoria that much better. It was one of the best times of my young life, but like all good things, they eventually have to end. This was no different.
Peek-a-boo!
The time came when I decided if I wanted to see her, I should take the shot. Our schools girls softball team was playing against hers, and she played. So, Joe and I made our trek. I couldn't quite do it on my own, so I needed my wingman. I wasnt sure if I wanted to do this or not because this would put a face on the person I had been talking to, which would make denying things even harder to do. Honestly, it didn't matter a great deal about what she looked like. I loved the person that was in her mind and in her heart, not the wrapper that it came in. I walked to the field almost with the nervousness of a seven year old walking in front of a crowd at the Super Bowl. The game wasnt bad, of course we got destroyed, but what I wanted happened. I actually got to see her. And I must say that whatever image I had in my head absolutely paled in comparison to her. After the game, we both went out separate quick "Hi" exchanged between us. I would have said far more, but her parents were there, and well, if she wasnt supposed to be seeing anyone, they wouldn't be too pleased about her talking to someone from a different town.
There was a game next week, but I was not the same for this game as I was like the last. I had an excuse for the last game to go watch our team play hers. Now I was going to see her. Reality for some part was beginning to creep into my head. What was the point of going to the game to only be able to look at her from afar and not be able to even talk to her after the goddamn game? Joe and I discussed this some. During the game, I even looked at Joe and said "This is probably the last game Im coming to." He simply looked at me and said nothing. He was probably thinking what I was. I searched though my head for an excuse to give her, but none came up. It turned out that the next time when I talked to her I wouldnt need one.
Seven - Ten Split
I talked to her the next day because I couldnt that night. She seemed a little distant, almost trying to avoid saying anything to me. In the back of my mind I was thinking of what she was going to drop, and I wasn't very far off. She said that "Nate wants to get to know me better. So lets be friends ok? Go like someone else." This was like getting a bowling ball suddenly dropped onto my nuts from a twenty story building. I was angry, saddened, and a great many other things...but then I started to think. Was this what she felt back before New Years? My God, I felt even worse than before about it.
You see, I had been trying to brace myself for this for some time already. I had known that she liked him. I had known that eventually something like this would happen. If not with him, then with Mike. Every time that she would talk about them and how much she liked them it got to me. Petty I know, but I just couldnt help it. I pride myself on being smarter than what I let on, and in this case this was just that. However, no amount of planning on my part lessened the blow. It was like getting ready for a nuclear blast by hiding in a closet. It hurt. It hurt bad. The thing is though, even though she had just thrown it out in such a manner, it did not change my feelings for her. She didnt know what to do. She had never done anything like this. Joe was absolutely irate at this, that I was taken in and thrown out. Like I said, Joe is sometimes my better judgment, but in this case he was my undying rage. He blasted away at her, and the whole time that he did I was telling him to stop. She did not deserve it. I actually apologized to her about the whole thing. I think that I amazed and possibly confused her for the fact that I did not show my anger. I refused to yell at her, even when she said it would make her feel better. Finally Joe did give up. I could venture to say that he was disgusted in me for the fact that I was the way I was.
I still talked to her. A few days later, we talked about it. She was very sorry, and I reluctantly accepted her apology. We talked some more, and she said that Nate didnt even like her like that. This perked up my spirits some. I told her that while he may not care about her, I still loved her. To this she responded that I could love her, but I would be doing it even though "she doesn't feel the same way."...forty-five stories into my nuts this time.
Once again she apologized very deeply for it, and once again I said that it wasnt her fault, and I took all of the blame on my own sagging shoulders. She kept saying that it wasnt but goddamn, it was. Look at it this way: She first said that she did have feelings for me, and I pushed her away because I did not want that because I wasn't sure what I wanted. The fact was that yes, I did also have feelings for her, but like I usually do, I shut them away from myself. When I could not take it any more, I told her that I did, and she fairly well did the same thing to me I did to her. Did that shock me a lot; not really. Not as bad as what it should have anyway.
This is the part of my little twisted Disney movie where I started to regret things. After time, things got about as normal between us as they could. We made up, and that was that for the past. We rarely talked about it, and usually I told her that it didn't matter. Anyway, fast forward a while through time and we come up to some more recent things...
The Big **** You
I can't remember exactly when this started, but I know that I was still in school at the time, and that did not help matters any more. Jen's attitude was slowly but noticeably taking a swerve towards me. Not a good swerve either, mind you. Anything that I said to her was ignored and unnoticed. Now, this may make me sound like a whiny ***** (and in my eyes it does). She didnt give a **** if I told her that I loved her or if I told her to go **** herself. Once again, I sensed that something was amiss with my spidey senses (?). I figured that there was someone else that she was beginning to like or someone else who told her that they liked her, and I was right. She came out and told me that she had a date for homecoming in...March I think. Now that was a ways off, and I really didnt care because well...I ****ing hate high school dances anyway. Theyre just giant cluster****s. But thats a rant for a different time. The kids name was Josh, and he was a freshman from a different school. I just brushed it off and really paid no attention, while the whole time the back of my mind was screaming and going to Defcon 2.
Better start another paragraph, that ones a little long. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the Ice Girl cometh. She was getting to be more of a pain in the ass to me, and finally I had enough of it. Time to enact a rare maneuver that has always lead to a completely lowered defense while at the same time creating one of the most emotionally destructive weapons; The Big **** You. It starts with a slow burn, with the person doing it taking everything thrown at them and storing the anger, and by the time youre done you've got an emotional nuclear weapon that after used you cant talk for at least a day and you feel sick for a couple of days if done right, and the person that it gets done to will most likely never want to talk to you again. It happened on a weekend as I recall; what one I do not know. School was done at this time, and pretty much the only person that I was talking for now was Katie, one of my other friends. I talked with her about this for a great deal of time, and it was the general consensus that I would have to make a decision on this on my own, which I had betted on earlier. The time was now.
The conversation started out like it usually did then. She would ask how I was, what I was doing, and not give a **** what I said. She only talked to me like it was obligatory at this point, like I was a puppy that she was getting tired of taking care of. I finally decided to play the game that she was. I asked her if she cared about me, friend-wise or other. She said that she did not. I asked if she ever did, even when she said that she loved me. She said she wasn't sure. That was what pissed me off. The right cards kept falling towards me in this hand. I pulled out a trump. I asked her if she got off on ****ing with me like this, leading me on and then crushing my spirit. She said yeah, "I guess so." That almost knocked me off the table, but I am a master at this game. I said that's it, and I was walking away from her. I had put in a lot of time, and now I was pulling out of the war zone. Before I did that though, I decided to turn the launch key and let loose on her with The Big **** You. She did not want me to leave; she said that she still wanted to talk to me. (Well yeah, who would want to lose their plaything that they had enjoyed so?) I said that I didn't care. She was becoming all distraught, and I just sat there taking what potshots I could at her. I was throwing out some pretty bad stuff (and she was too), but it had to be done. At the end of it, I was actually feeling physically ill. I told her right before I left that if she actually did need to talk to me about something to send me something. I can't just completely abandon people, no matter how much I detest them. I said this all the while she was saying that she didn't want me to go and at the same time calling me an asshole.
Well, with that done, I removed her from my ICQ list, put her on the ignore list, deleted ICQ from my computer, turned it off, and went into the bathroom to puke. I was ****ed up in multiple ways for a couple of days (I know...that rhymed, leave me alone.) That was a long time ago and thats pretty much where things stand. I do see her from time to time if fate allows it, and we say hi to each other and thats about it. It's like were both too scared to say more.
Bottom Line
Do I regret anything from it? Probably. I mean, I would be hard pressed to say that I didn't. After all, thats what half of life is.
Would I do it again the same way? Y'know, at first when someone asked me this, I said that I wouldn't. However, the more I thought about it, I don't think I would have been able to even if I wanted to. I guess the one thing that I would have done differently is that I would never have started talking to her. All I would have needed to do was press ignore one time and none of this would have happened. Seems odd when you think about it though; all she did was press random chat, and out of the endless number of people that could have been picked, her simple shot in the dark got me...heh. Almost makes you think some things happen for a reason.
Should I have been uber pissed that she was just ****ing with me? At first I was, that's a given. After a while though, I just stopped giving a ****. In some ways the whole incident was a bad thing of course, but in the same, I learned quite a bit from it anyway. In the end, it doesn't matter what I thought about it, because after all, "alls fair in love and war."
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