Advice for People Who Try To Write Stuff and Fail Miserably
Good job moron. You clicked a link advertising advice. That means you know that you're a foghorn'D up mess who knows that he needs help. So I'm here to help you. Today's lesson: how to not write a really foghorning stupid story/work of fiction. I'm not going to use the "word" fic, because fic isn't a word, and thus I won't use it. Actually, it might be a word, but it's a not a word in English. Which brings us to our first lesson.
Don't use words like "baka" in your story. Or "kawaii", or "gomen nasai", or "minna", or whatever the hell other words idiots like to throw into their stories. Read the following bit of idiocy-, I mean dialogue, and tell me if it makes ANY sense.
"Bonjour les gens ! Si gentil de vous voir tout. Je suis un idiot de cliché qui parle dans d'autres langues pour aucune raison apparente !" she shouted gleefully.
Can you read that? If you can, congrats, you know really foghorn'D up French that I got out of an instant translator, because I'm too damn stupid to learn another language. But anyone who can't read French won't know what the hell the person just said. Same with using Japanese, it's just that using French will make you look intelligent whereas using Japanese will make you look like a fan girl with less IQ than a bottle of Bleach. I don't know why this is, but it is probably derived from the fact I needed a convincing argument to go out on.
You can, however, use other languages when it's one of that character's quirks. But I don't feel like delving into that, because, well, I'm lazy. And honorifics are worse, but I don't feel like delving into that either, because it would cause Mega Sonic to hit me with a rubber banjo.
Actually, I will delve into it. Because the prospect of Mega Sonic threatening me is laughable. Insert maniacal laughter here. As an added bonus, while I was writing this, Mega Sonic instant messaged me saying "Kenri-san?". I promptly stuck a free AOL demo disc up his nose, parried his rubber banjo attack, and then…ninjas. Thousands of them. He told me to write something different from what I just wrote, but then Admiral Ackbar reminded me, and I quote, "IT'S A TRAP!".
But I'm getting off topic. That was actually the intention, because I'm lazy and didn't want to explain why honorifics are stupid. Honorific isn't even a WORD. It's like some parody word for something that's good. Like "honortastic" or "honortacular". But I feel I should get back on topic before ns savagely pummels me with a bobble-head Chihuahua. Now what was this article about again? …Oh, of course, the fact that you suck and need to read an article written by a 14 year old to learn how to improve yourself.
Back to the writing of the fiction. Don't use clichés. The dark bad ass with a troubled past has been done to death. So has the beautiful orphan. Even worse is when both of these characters simultaneously exist in the same story and fall in love. Be original, damn it.
Also on the topic of clichés, don't use giant energy blasts as attacks. And if you do, don't have your character shout "OMEGA VIOLENT HURRICANE OF DESTRUCTO MEANIES!" Seriously, what kind of idiot would announce his attack? Unless maybe it's a spell that requires an incantation. But then it would still be stupid, because it's "OMEGA VIOLENT HURRICANE OF DESTRUCTO MEANIES!".
If your character is some weirdo who wants to shout idiotic sayings while attacking, have him say something original. Like "I am seriously going to wrap you in bacon and throw you on the grill!" That sounds cool. Trust me, it does.
Now then, since I plan on milking this advice thing for all it's worth, I'm going to stop here (both my readers must be thrilled) and maybe give you some more honortastic advice next Friday. If I feel like it. Chances are I won't, but I'm sure you don't care.
Kenri of the Yuri is just this guy who writes silly things, sometimes. He is profoundly embarrassed about a good 60-70% of the stuff he's written. You might know him better as your friendly neighborhood Level 43: Editor. View his or her author page or author profile.
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