"Hello, my name's Mike, and I'm a computer addict."
Bonjour, mon ami!
…
If you didn’t know that was French, your life should end right now to prevent you from reproducing and creating more idiots like yourself.
Tonight’s article is about my articles in general. First of all, I’d like to say that writing articles is the only pleasure in my life besides hentai. And, since writing is something that I enjoy, my parents feel the need to remove that one last bit of bliss from my life. You see, I am unable to fall asleep at night until about 4 or 5 AM. My parents, along with my psychiatrist, have determined that the problem clearly isn’t medical. It is, instead, an “addiction,” as they put it, that is keeping me awake at night. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Microsoft has begun adding nicotine to their word processors and web browsers. Either that or my parents are once again full of shit. I, for one, choose the latter. Though the former would be pretty cool…
Anyway, my parents say that my addiction to writing articles and surfing the web is preventing me from getting off of the computer and going to bed. For one thing, the last time I tried getting off the computer and going to bed (which happened to be last night, or actually this morning, since it was about 5 AM) I tried to fall asleep for at least an hour, but to no avail. I ended up staying up until around 10:30 AM, then I was finally tired enough to fall asleep. I am NOT wasting another hour of my life lying in my bed doing absolutely nothing. And they say it’s an “addiction” that prevents me from getting off the computer. Bullshit! I could get off any time I felt like it. But why the hell would I want to? It’s much more fun that wasting ten hours of my life sleeping, and a million times more fun than trying to fall asleep for a whole damn hour.
Since I’ve been staying up into the morning for the past few weeks, my body has adjusted to that. It’s like when my dad, a police officer, works the midnight shift. And the toughest thing you can do at this point is try to fall asleep at around 11 PM, which is what my parents want me to do. In fact, they EXPECT me to do it. How the hell can you expect a person to go from falling asleep at 11 AM to falling asleep at 11 PM, especially an insomniac like me who has difficulty falling asleep in the first place? And in one night, too! It’s 4 AM, and I was supposed to be in bed HOURS ago! The thing is, I’m not even the least bit tired. And I have no reason to be. Like I said, my body has adjusted to being awake at night and sleeping in the daytime. 4 AM to me is what 4 PM would most likely be to you.
The toughest thing is going to be adjusting back to a normal pattern when school starts. As I’m typing this, I’m also thinking up plans on how to get back to sleeping at night. The best plan I can think of is staying up like I am tonight, but not going to sleep until the next night. It would take a great toll on my body, but like I said, it’s the best plan I can think of.
But back to what I was saying before about my parents taking writing from me. A lot of people can write during the day, but I’m not one of them. For some reason, I cannot begin writing until around 1 AM, and I prefer for it to be even later than that. I find that the later it is, the better I can focus, and the more depressed I get, which translates into gloomy but good writing. Sure, I can write during the day, but the quality of my writing sucks and it’s far too happy and positive for my liking. Plus, I just can’t seem to get the words to flow out during the daytime like I can at night. Therefore, by forcing me to go to bed around 11 PM, my parents are therefore completely eradicating my entire ability to write.
Even during the daytime, my parents are dead-set on limiting my amount of time spent on the computer. Apparently, the computer is not only addictive, but it can also give you lung cancer, and can result in birth defects when used by pregnant women. Or, they’re spewing MORE bullshit from their ears, eyes, noses, and mouths. Again, I’d have to go with the latter. Honestly, what is the point in limiting my time on the computer? For one thing, it doesn’t hurt me. In fact, the internet is full of knowledge, and can actually enlighten you and teach you all sorts of things. And computer games, especially strategic ones, force you to use your brain to solve puzzles and such.
My parents claim that I don’t get enough exercise. That’s totally untrue. For one thing, I play tennis fairly often, and towards the beginning of the summer, played it literally every day of the week. On top of that, I lift weights every single day. And to tell you the truth, even if I weren’t on the computer, chances are I would be avoiding exercise for the most part anyway. I have many other ways of being lazy.
Also, my parents say that I don’t get out of the house enough, and do things with my friends. For one thing, I don’t have many friends, and my parents are aware of that, so they really don’t use this argument very often. But even if I did have more than a couple of friends, I hate and fear social interaction. So, again, even if I weren’t on the computer, I most likely would not be getting out of the house much anyway.
In the end, I’m right and my parents are wrong. I do not have an addiction, and there is no good reason why I shouldn’t be on the computer as much as I want to be. Lately, my parents just don’t seem to be right about anything. People jokingly say that as kids get to be teenagers, their parents become dumber. When I say it, I’m not joking.
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