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Fooled you! This is merely another one of my pathetic articles. No porn for j00~!
Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. And don’t play dumb with me; you know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless you’re an ignorant fool, in which case, I’ll be nice to you and explain to you. As a side note, don’t expect me to be nice to you ever again.
This is the time of year when school is about to start. When I was a wee little boy, I used to cry and scream and want to hang myself when this time of year came around. In fact, even when I wasn’t a wee little boy, I still cried and screamed and wanted to hang myself. This year, however, is different. This year is a fresh start for me. This year I’m going to a new school. This year, we will hopefully see John Kerry become president so that for the first time in years, we poor folks might actually not get screwed over so that the rich can enjoy an extra teaspoon of caviar each year.
You knew this was coming, didn’t you? As soon as I just slightly mentioned politics, my ADD kicked in and made me continue down that path. So here’s what I think of Bush.
First of all, Bush is a stupid fool who can’t talk because years of heavy drug use have slurred his speech, in addition to him just being a retard. And he looks like a monkey. But you knew all of that already, so I’ll move on to something that you may not have realized.
In Bush’s latest ad, he actually refrains from attacking John Kerry. Instead, he tries to touch our hearts. With his wife by his side, Bush pretends to be a normal American sitting on a normal couch in a normal house. He starts off by stumbling through a difficult sentence “I’m George W. Bush and I approve this message.” If you pay attention, you’ll notice how much he slurs the word “message.” But anyway, here’s the whole speech for you:
My most solemn duty is to lead our nation to protect ourselves. I can't imagine the great agony of a mom or a dad having to make the decision about which child to pick up first on September the 11th. We cannot hesitate, we cannot yield, we must do everything in our power to bring an enemy to justice before they hurt us again.
Aww, isn’t that sweet? I almost started to feel better about Bush when I first saw this commercial, but then my left-leaning brain kicked in. As I replayed the commercial in my head, I suddenly realized that Bush was actually using September 11th for his own personal gain. I can usually tolerate political ads, even attack ads, but this was much worse than any attack ad that I had ever seen. Bush was taking advantage of 2,948 people. If you’d like to see the names of these people, go to
http://www.september11victims.com/september11Victims/victims_list.htm
I’m not trying to influence your vote, as most of you who are reading this probably can’t vote anyway. I’m just trying to make sure that you’re fully informed. Actually I am trying to influence your vote. I’ll run through the halls of my school naked if it will stop Bush from being reelected. Anyway, now back to going back to school.
One of the things that really piss me off is the “back to school” ads that begin months before people are even thinking about school. I can just picture the K-Mart boardroom meeting.
“Hey, it’s April. Let’s start the back to school ads, despite the fact that kids are still in school, and it’s months before the next schoolyear starts.”
“Great idea! That way, we can remind kids all summer long that their few months of peace are going to be over before they know it!”
“Oh, and we can have a “back to school” sign hanging from every ceiling panel in the store!”
“But then the kids can just look down and not be reminded of the misery to come!”
“Then we’ll put back to school stickers on the floor! That way, they’ll have no choice but to look at the signs! Mwahahahaha!”
I’m almost positive that’s how it happens. Oh, and by the way, I seriously have seen back to school stickers on the floors of stores. It’s appalling. And another thing, I went into Wal-Mart the other day and could not move without bumping into someone, all because of the hundreds of people flocking to the stores to buy their precious school supplies. I bought a couple packs of pens, and two cans of Axe bodyspray, and left the store satisfied. (Luckily, school supplies are provided to students at my school, since it is a private school and does not rely on the government for funds. (Private school pwns j00!).)
By the way, for those of you who are worried about me not sleeping and all, I’m finally starting to get back to a “normal” routine. It’s actually only 11:30 now, and somehow I’m managing to write. The thing is, I’m in the process of catching up on the sleep that I missed out on while going on my weeklong writing craze. However, my parents can’t let me sleep in, so they’ve been waking me up in very cruel ways lately. When my dad has been off from work, he’s woken me up by bursting into my room and opening the blinds, sending light flooding into my room. Very painful. But the past few days, he hasn’t been home to wake me up. So what does he do? He hooks up a phone in my room one night and calls me on it at 11:00 the next morning. And this isn’t one of those wimpy electronic rings, mind you. This is my beautiful old rotary phone with a real bell that’s fucking loud. That was bad enough, but what he was too stupid to realize was that he’s not the only one that called our house that morning. Some bitch called at 8:30 and woke me up, followed by several other phone calls. It wasn’t until my dad called me at 11:00 that I was awake enough to pick up the phone and slam it back down, then unplug it from the phone jack. Just as I was beginning to fall back asleep, he proceeds with his backup plan, and calls me on my cell phone, which he had turned on and placed on my nightstand while I was sleeping innocently that night. Again, I hung up on him and proceeded to turn off my cell phone. I then fell back asleep and slept until 1 something, which kicked major ass. I’m thinking about booby-trapping my phone to prevent him from plugging it back in.
Well anyway, I can’t think of a creative way to wrap up this article like I normally do, so I’ll use an interjection that’s totally awesome.
RIGHTEOUS~!
Word up, my brother from another mother, word up.
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